I have returned · 11:57pm Nov 5th, 2022

So, I have returned to writing after a two-year hiatus. The main reason for this was that towards the end of 2019 I was in a bad place in my head, I was working 60+hours a week, ten days a row, earning big £££, and drinking every day. Stress was high, as was my living disappointment. I discovered I had underlying health conditions preventing me from military service (my childhood aspiration) my relationship with my ex had fallen apart and then covid struck. My ex and I had started moving out of our flat when she moved back to Lithuania under the guise of a holiday. I rescinded my tenancy notice and remained in my flat, living out of boxes. I had one set of cutlery, one bowl, one plate, etc. And everything else was kind of just stuffed into corners and alcoves. I only recently (over the last year) unpacked properly and tidied up my space. I considered suicide, and even googled painless ways to end things, went on Reddit, watched some suicide compilations, and read failed suicide reports so I knew what to correct. In the UK guns arent readily accessible (fortunately) as I probably would have done myself already.

I wont go into too much detail, but I didn't have the balls for any of the options, so I phoned the self-help line, registered my state of symptoms and mental state, and desire for death etc. Took 3 months for a response. As I live on the south coast of England, I get a decent amount of sun in summer, so I spent my days unemployed, sunbathing and drinking, playing games, watching movies and playing with my noodle to bide my time. I also tried to reconcile with my ex, I tried learning Lithuanian for her, and she came back, but eventually, she went back for another extended holiday and met "the love of her life." I realised my worth and was better mentally by this point when I got a call from the suicide prevention line, after a 40 min assessment they said I didn't qualify for help, and to apply again and, unofficially, they told me to exaggerate my symptoms. It made me laugh and actually put me off of killing myself.

Anyway, I'm well now, I make good money doing fewer hours, happily chase women and don't take stress too harshly. Writing is one of my hobbies so I wanted to get back into it, It's just my Off The Grid story took a lot out of me. My advice to anyone thinking what I thought, there's light at the end, there are ways to dig yourself out and help yourself, even when it seems pointless. Msg me if you're having thoughts like I was xxx

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