This is a story about a sheep. A little sheep, locked deep in prison, put there by ponies. He doesn't want to be there, but then he's had to do a lot of things he doesn't want to. It's a shame he deserves to be in there.
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You are doing an excellent job of making me hate Valour.
Question: Will Prey try to convert one of the Elements of Harmony to his side?
9087693
It might be quite a while (story wise) before/if Prey meet's any of the elements of harmony.
I do have a vague plan-ish that he will eventually, but that not yet. Will just have to see what happens
That is a very good drawing
10206349
I'm assuming you're reffering to the one done by GreatSpaceBeaver ๐ He's done a few more and they're linked in and dotted around the story in the Author Notes to the chapter they apply to. They're all really good too.
What Sunshine actually thought prey was a girl?........ok how much of his 'softness' was because he was under this belief?
10329060
Six of this, half a dozen of the other. Meaning about; "so so".
9088533
I could see him try to read Pinkie's mind only to be driven insane because she's a pony-shaped cosmic horror.
jaja xd of course , i love him.
nice drawing <3
10979795
Thank you for saying so. There are a fair number scattered through the story, quite a few done by the user TheGreatSPaceBeaver, which are a fair bit better. If you were interested in seeing their art, it's in the Author's notes, sometime from about chapter 13 onwards or close. ๐
โThereโs always a bigger fishโ
A different group of people read through this chapter, including a drunk Swedish man. And he voiced Prey as Finnish, which is extremely entertaining. Edits in bold.
Let > left.
I think the so is extra, Prey doesn't give me strong valley girl vibes.
Extra t there.
I think we need an and there.
Capitalization error.
To, not and.
11174866
Yikes. Reading back over those mistakes makes me cringe. Sorry for everyone who had to read them. ๐
Snake knows how to make a first impression.
"There is always a worse monster out there." Snake echoed.
Yes, quite ironic in hindsight. And it really does seem that way throughout the story.
If the newest is before that era, then none of them could have been built *in* that era.
If you're' not counting Valour, right?
where on his person did Sunshine store that cupcake?
No previous mention of him actually taking a bite. It's a bit weird.
11175272
Aww, don't be sorry, we correct you because we love the story.
got this right, sounds better than "got this correctly"
to hoof...? I'm unsure where this comes from. To boot? I think ponies have boots.
But "Boot here is an archaic noun meaning โadvantage,โ and in the idiom has been broadened to include anything additional, good or bad. [c. a.d. 1000]"
So idiomatically "hoof" doesn't make sense.
mansion's
are written down. But it's colloquial, so... if Sunshine just talks like that...
paper-strewn
came to, lying
remove "he"
lowercase, surely, they're his guards, not his Guards (to command)
listening to? remove o?
remove first comma
halfway
Two instances in this chapter
rather "his two guards", or "Solar guards" or even "Solar Guard guards"
one word
camp's
into
remove comma
subconsciousness
leftover
and the memories are not from his dreams, the dreams are from leftover bad memories, unless I've misunderstood
leftover
"guards", in their capacity as "guards"
Prey did remember the guard changing
see
victims'
There's some extra space between these paragraphs.
And there's no space between these paragraphs.
someponies', or maybe somepony's, or ponies'
one word
maybe add an exclamation mark if he's that loud.
clear inmate, 452
stop them from taking, unless you're going for colloquialism
permission
Guards'
victims'
self-enlightenment
hark back to
lookout
Captains'
Also, do you want ranks and titles in uppercase or lowercase?
one word
lowercase pegasus
Guards'
It's all without the usual space between paragraphs, but it kinda works.
Unless that is the name of the mansion it should be "Cedar Field's". But who names a mansion after themselves rather than their family name? I guess maybe this pony.
one word
Guards'
The rest of my notes are out of order.
unicorn's
I'm guessing you want this lowercase
How do you want capitalization of the hunt? The Hunt? the Hunt?
off the straight and narrow
is: what
remove last comma
You usually have a period instead of the comma here.
11390167
Yeah, yikes. My first few chapters when I was starting out seem to be rife with these dumb mistakes. ๐ As I said, first story, and I like to think I learned better English and grammar while writing! But again, a very big thank you for all the time it took. I take it you're reading through the story slowly again? ๐
In answer to your spelling/preference queries:
-I thing I'll go for "the Hunt".
-Yes, "zebra" should've been lower case.
-I've tried to make guard ranks capitalized, eg. "Captain"
-Cedar Fields with the "s" is the owener's name, the Solar Guard is just invoking his name to show what he's talking about, not the mansion's actual name.
-๐ฐ Actually added a line with Prey taking a bite first now, instead of him just absorbing the cupcake through touch or something!