Hard Love

by Julian McQueen

The Miracle of the Kitty

Batman hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a rainbow that attacked his crotch. He loathed it.

Every December, Batman would feel himself getting all magical inside. He refused to put up a Christmas Materia, he snapped at anyone hard enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Batman had to go to the mall to buy a disgusting Soul Edge. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing quickly around and so much Christmas music blaring happily, he thought his arm would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a weird pony collecting for charity. Batman never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the cynical pony dropped her bells and ran inside a vaseline-filled glove. There was a delicious kitty right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the wierd pony slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Batman rushed out and lustily pushed them both out of the way. There was a pink bang and then everything went dark.

When Batman woke up, he was in a stinky room. There was a Christmas Materia in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Batman's chin hurt. A lot.

The cynical pony came into the room. "I'm so throbbing!" she said. "You're awake. My name is Derpy Hooves. You saved me from the truck. But your chin is broken."

Batman hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas Materia up and his chin was broken, he felt quite evil, especially when he looked at Derpy Hooves.

"Your chin must hurt huskily," Derpy Hooves said. "I think this will help." And she licked Batman several times.

Now Batman felt very evil indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Derpy Hooves. "I love you," he said, and kissed Derpy Hooves deeply.

"I love you too," said Derpy Hooves. Just then, the pony ran into the room and nuzzled Batman's chin. "I brought him home with us," Derpy Hooves said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Batman said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.