THE FALLEN PRINCESS
PROLOGUE: DREAM OF DREAD
Darkness, even though it was high noon in Equestria, it might as well have been the dead of night. Celestia’s sun had dropped from the sky suddenly catching everypony in a panic.
As Fleur De Lis frantically ran to Celestia’s throne room she has to fight her way through panicking nobles and even guards. As the high class mare finally got to the throne room she wasn’t prepared for what she saw.
Celestia lay on the ground her eyes open in a final look of fear. Not wanting to believe what her eyes told her fleur ran to Celestia’s side. There she noticed a hole in the mare’s chest. There was no heartbeat coming from the mare, no breath.
Celestia was dead.
Sobbing, Fleur didn’t even hear the echoing laughter around her. When she looked up all she saw was a demonic grin and a blood soaked horn plunging down at her!
XXXXX
Fleur De Lis woke with a start, she looked around her bedroom, she was alone. She remember she had an evening out with Fancy Pants, but a headache forced her to call it an early night. Fancy Pants, knowing Fleur since colthood, allowed his lover to be alone.
Fleur took a soothing bath then went to bed, when she had that terrible dream. When a pony like Fleur has a dream that bad she learns to listen to them. She heard a knock on her door that almost made her jump out of her skin.
She answered the door and saw Princess Luna, a sight she was not unaccustomed too being she lived in Canterlot, yet the Lunar Ruler at her door was an uncommon sight.
“Art thou well?” Luna asked the concern obvious in her voice.
“Oui.” Fleur lied. The doubting look she was given told her, that her lie didn’t fly with the princess. “I simply had a bad dream.”
“I know,” Luna responded Fleur flinched at those words; she knew that Luna watched over dreams. It only made sense that Luna would take notice in hers. “I suggest that thou talks to my sister come morning.”
“Zat I shall,” Fleur vowed. “I am so sorry to have zese horrid dreams.”
“No apologies needed,” Luna said. “Sleep well.”
Fleur nodded and shut her door, she went back and lay down in her bed but she didn’t sleep.
Since she was a filly she’s had these strange dreams or visions. Most came to pass, she dreamed that Nightmare Moon would return and she did. She dreamed Discord would free himself and he did. The Changelings, King Sombra, even Twilight’s ascension into an Alicorn which happened a month ago. She’s seen them all, yet fear of ridicule forced her to stay silent.
Now however it was different, she saw death, Celestia’s death. She had to tell Celestia what she saw and just prayed the Princess would believe her. She felt her eyes start to close.
She didn’t resist the urge to fall back into sleep.
XXXXX
A half hour before dawn, Celestia was up and being groomed for her day by her head maid Clean Sweep. The
earth pony was careful in grooming Celestia’s coat and mane. Celestia chuckled at her attentiveness.
“You spoil me Clean Sweep.” Celestia giggled.
The Earth Pony blushed but said nothing, as Celestia used her magic to levitate her royal vestments and place them upon herself.
“Princess Celestia,” a guard announced as he walked in. “You have a Fleur De Lis here to see you.”
“I see,” Celestia mused. “Please send her in. Clean Sweep thank you, but that will be all.”
Clean Sweep bowed and left and shortly after Fleur walked in and dipped into a bow seeing Celestia.
“Good Morning Fleur,” Celestia greeted with a warm smile. “What brings you here so early? I thought you had an appointment in Ponyville?”
“Eet eez not until later,” Fleur said. “Princess, I need to tell you something. You see I have visions zat come to me as I sleep. I had one earlier. Eet was far from pleasant.”
“I see,” Celestia said her face turning concerned. “What would you have me do?”
“Pardon?” Fleur asked.
“Not to be rude my dear Fleur,” Celestia said. “You told me my life is in danger, and I asked for your advice on what to do?”
“I…I’m sorry.” Fleur stammered as she backed away. “Eet was silly to bring this up to you.”
Celestia shook her head as she approached the mare and wrapped her wings around her. “No Fleur, Luna has told me of your visions. She did it out of concern for you. I do appreciate that you are worried, but trust me, I am prepared.”
“I see,” Fleur murmured. “May I ask something?”
“Of course.” Celestia allowed.
“I see a name in my dreams, I fear zis pony will be your doom, but ze name. I cannot find it anywhere in History. Who eez Princess Morningdew?” Fleur inquired.
Celestia froze at the mention of her name and looked at Fleur, this time her expression betrayed anger, even fear. “I’m sorry.” Celestia said. “I cannot answer that, not to those who aren’t royalty.”
“But you will tell Twilight Sparkle!” Fleur De Lis screamed. “I am not royalty, but I am a mare with special talents and skills. I come to you out of concern and zis eez what I get? Perhaps what will happen eez for ze good! Now excuse me, I must prepare for my trip!” Fleur turned on her hooves and walked out, she passed Fancy Pants on her way out but gave him no notice.
“Your highness?” Fancy Pants asked noticing Celestia’s facial expression. “I will talk to her, you see her visions..”
“Enough!” Celestia snapped causing the stallion to take a step back. She softened. “I’m sorry, this took me by surprise. Fleur has a right to be angry with me, she deserves to know. In time she will.”
“I see.” Fancy Pants said as he backed out. “I’ll leave you to it then.”
“Perhaps she needs some time,” Celestia offered, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about Summer Sun in a month.”
Fancy Pants nodded, he wanted to get this clear but he knew Fleur and he knew she needed time when she got angry
XXXXX
The sun was just climbing into the sky, but Fleur didn’t seem to notice. She packed her saddle bag and was on her way to the train station, when she noticed somepony, make those two someponies.
“You certainly know how to get ponies to talk.” Upper Crust said with a smirk
“I agree,” her husband Jet set put in. “Bad show in front of the Princess.”
Fleur narrowed her eyes as the haughty couple. She hated the two of them, she was happy when Fancy Pants banned them from social events for their treatment of Rarity and her Ponyville friends. Still they knew the right buttons to push.
“Oh look.” Upper Crust laughed. “She looks like she’s going to have another tantrum.”
“Bad form.” Jet Set added.
Before Fleur could act she saw Fancy Pants come running up, she was happy but then she saw who was behind him and her heart dropped. It was Celestia.
“I should have known the two of you would do this.” Fancy Pants accused.
“We have royal connections.” Jet Set said going muzzle to muzzle with Fancy Pants. “We have an inside line.”
“Blueblood is hardly an inside line,” Celestia said. “I recommend the two of you, remove yourselves from this, and not speak of this to anypony, or there will be consequences.”
Terrified the two ran off, leaving a very nervous Fleur there.
“Princess..” Fleur started.
“No,” Celestia said. “You did have a point and I’m sorry to say, that right now I can’t give you any information, not now.”
“When?” Fleur asked.
“Soon.” Celestia said. “Now you have a trip to make, when you return, I promise I’ll tell you. Now I’m sorry, but I have Day Court to attend.” She spread her wings and flew away.
“You think she will?” Fleur asked.
“The word of a Princess is still just words.” Fancy Pants said. “I do hope she will though.”
“I have to go to Ponyville,” Fleur said. “To see Rarity, I will see you when I return.”
“Give Miss Rarity my best.” Fancy requested.
Fleur didn’t even hear the request as she walked away. Her mind was full, and quickly filling with dread. One question bugged her.
Who was Princess Morningdew and why did Celestia fear her?
This interview brought to you from Authors Helping Authors.
Title: Fallen Princess
Grammar Score(Out of Ten): 4(I'm afraid that there is quite a few errors thrown in here, most of them found in the very beginning and the very end. If you would like, I could point them all out to you later, but I'm afraid I simply don't have the time at the moment. Just comment back to me if you would like me to scan it over at some other time.)
Pros: The storyline, while obviously not being too far in, seems promising. You've set the stage very well, throwing in some foreshadowing and describing a dark scene/theme while not making it gorey and unattractive. The characters seemed pretty much like themselves, but sort of slipped a bit at some points. Be very careful with that. I also really like the attitude you've given Fleur. Other than those mistakes I've mentioned before, this is pretty good.
Cons: While your pacing is decent, your story could still be fleshed out a lot more, adding room for more details. Like I said before, there's a couple of tiny slip-ups with the characterization too, and those mistakes stick out quite a bit. Other than that, this is actually pretty nice.
Notes: There's not much else I could really say, but I will tell you that with a bit of polishing, this could actually be something I could really enjoy and follow(Always loved the Dark/Adventure tags.). Just keep going with it.
If you're satisfied with this review, I would appreciate it if you could review my story:The City of Gold
2122847
First off thanks for the review I will read and review your story either tonight or tomorrow, but hopefully tonight
I know my grammar sucks, I try to fix it but I still miss the small stuff.
I'm glad you like my Fleur, I tried to make her go against the grain. The whole dream vision thing sets her apart from the others.
You said I slipped a bit at some points. Might I ask who the character was and what the slip was. I'll bemore than happy to either fix or explain the slip.
Thanks for the review now I'm off to read yours!
2123615 Well, I guess it's not really a "slip" per say... I really could have worded it a bit better(I was rushed!). It's mainly that point close to the end, when Fleur is explaining her dream to Celestia. Fleur suddenly goes from a concerned mare to an angry snootle.(If you get that reference, you are officially God.) Celestia also suddenly shouted at FancyPants. I can understand why they did these things, but given their attitudes, I feel it would have sounded better if you had made them show their anger a little less verbally, like Celestia heaving a sigh, clearing her throat, or raising a hoof while her face turned red or something. Celestia isn't one to show flaws unless she has to and prefers to stay calm and collected, so while verbal anger needs to be used in certain situations, so does body language. As for Fleur, it's less strict due to her characterization, though I think her transition from concerned to really angry could be a tiny bit more defined. This is usually really hard, so I would suggest thinking about it a lot before even taking this advice.
Wow, that's... a lot longer than I suspected... anyway, I hope you liked your review, and my offer still stands if you'd like me to point some of the mistakes out for you. Whenever you can review is fine by me; there's no rush, so you don't have to worry.
Oh, and, um... keep writing? Yeah, keep writing!
~OfTheIronwilled
2123819
While Celestia is a Princess, she's still a pony. Keep in mind she was just basically told off by Fleur and Fancy tried to deffend her actions. As for Fleur she got mad because she went to Celestia with her worries and was basically told, she's not important enough to be told what's going on.
I hope you keep with it, becuase Chapter One is about halfway done. So keep tuning in