Rainbow Dash woke up to a pleasant smell coming from downstairs. She walked downstairs to see Spitfire cooking some muffins with her friend Derpy.
“Hi, Rainbow,” Spitfire said, turning from the pan of muffins she was just finishing up on. “I met your friend. She's pretty cool.”
Derpy turned and smiled, saying “I never knew you were friends with Spitfire! It made my day meeting her!”
Rainbow smiled as well, glad to see that both of her friends were getting along well. She was even happier that Derpy had regained her normal demeanor since she had talked last.
Thinking back, she realized she hadn't spent time with much of anyone over the past week, and she suddenly had an idea.
“Hey, Spitfire- after we get through breakfast, how 'bout we go meet some more of my friends? I haven't seen much of them lately,” Rainbow looked at Spitfire, waiting for a response.
“Sure, sounds like a plan.”
Derpy was glad to see that Rainbow and Spitfire seemed to be getting along well, and that Spitfire seemed genuinely happy to go meet Rainbow's friends and get out of the rut she had been digging.
The muffins had finished, and all of them sat down for breakfast. There was fairly little conversation, so just before it started feeling awkward they decided to wrap up and bid farewell to Derpy.
“She's a really nice mare, Rainbow. You might have some competition.”
“As if! She already has a daughter!” Rainbow scoffed, smiling at the playful mare.
Suddenly, there was a voice coming from their left saying “Hi Dashie! Who is.... wow, is that SPITFIRE? Oh my gosh, I've never met you before! I should TOTALLY throw you a party- and all our friends will be there and... OH I'd better get started RIGHT AWAY!” before they even had a chance to turn around, she had already sped off to prepare the party.
Dash was glad that they had found Pinkie. “I guess we won't need to go around meeting everypony right now, so... Do you want to just go back to my house?”
Rainbow had already known that Pinkie would throw a party for them, and she also wanted to make an announcement there. However, making an announcement like this usually required consent by BOTH parties involved, and Dashie hadn't asked Spitfire yet.
Spitfire, noting the urgency in Rainbow's voice, decided to accept.
Back at the cloud house, Rainbow sat down next to Spitfire nervously and pulled her into an awkward, one hoofed embrace.
“Umm... Spitfire, I've been meaning to ask you a question, and since we kinda got to know each other better, I was wondering if... maybeyou'dwanttobemymarefriend!” She rushed the last part out, sending Spitfire's head spinning.
“Uh... Well, I'm kinda surprised you waited THIS long. I mean, we DID already say we loved each other, and we DID go on a date together. I figured it was already a thing. If you're looking for confirmation, maybe this will help.”
With that, she leaned up and kissed Rainbow on the lips, pulling her into a deep embrace. Rainbow immediately relaxed, laying down all doubts she had beforehand. Rainbow was in heaven, the mare's warm lips against her own and spitfire's embrace covering her like a blanket. A living, breathing blanket.
Spitfire decided to press further, slightly opening her mouth and pressing her tongue against her love's lips, silently begging for admission.
Rainbow allowed Spitfire's tongue in. It was warm, but also spicy from the liquid rainbow she was always drinking. Thinking about this more, she smirked mentally- now she was getting a different type of “Liquid Rainbow.” She allowed Spitfire's tongue to explore her mouth, while she slid her own into Spitfire's mouth, feeling the same warmness and tasting the same spiciness she had on her tongue.
the next few minutes, they were completely engrossed in their kiss, nearly missing the knock on the door. It wasn't all that loud, so it could only be one pony.
Rainbow opened the door, and saw no one.
“Fluttershy, come out- I know you're out there.” She heard a small squeak, cluing her in to the truth. A light yellow mare flew up through the clouds, saying
“Oh.. you heard me. I wanted to come give you this...” -she handed Rainbow a piece of paper- “and tell you that Pinkie is going to have the party at 7:30 tonight.” With that, Fluttershy sped off, leaving the paper with Dashie, who turned to Spitfire and said
“looks like I was just in time.”
Spitfire walked up behind her with a seductive look in her eyes. “We've still got a bit of time before the party. Now, where were we?” She asked, before closing the gap and kissing Dashie deeply.
Dash didn't quite know how far they would go, but still led her to her room, still locked in the kiss. When they walked in, Spitfire laid down on the bed. Dash walked over and followed suit, and continued cuddling the mare.
Suddenly, a thought came to her mind- “Spitfire, you told me that you had relationships before, but that you had no real feelings for any of them... Are you sure this will be any different?”
Spitfire regarded this with concern, and eventually answered Rainbow by saying “I've never been happy with anyone as much as I've been with you over the past few days, Rainbow. This is real. I'm sure of it.”
This silenced Rainbow, who let out a soft moan as Spitfire continued kissing her. Spitfire's hand moved down to her belly. It was only 5:30, so they still had time. Probably. Rainbow allowed this. It was going to be a good two hours.
***
They were almost late to the party. Dash's mane was messed up again, a product of her earlier activities with Spitfire.
She was going to make the announcement at the party- Spitfire had already agreed to go public with their relationship, seeing as they've really been “seeing each other” for a few weeks now. Spitfire's mane was also back to it's regular messiness, and they both walked to the party, thinking it would be more appropriate at this point. They walked through the town square, which seemed vacant compared to the usual traffic at this time- people rushing to get home, jostling their way through a faceless crowd.
When they arrived at Sugarcube Corner, the building was decorated with streamers and banners as any other party. As they walked through the doors, the muffled bass from the music became louder. They were met by Pinkie Pie, who bounced near the couple saying “Welcome to the party! We've been waiting for you!”
Rainbow and Spitfire were surprised- the clock read 7:25, but there were already about thirty guests standing around, waiting for the two of them to show up.
“Um.. Pinkie Pie, I wanted to make an announcement tonight... Whenever you're ready, we'll go ahead and introduce ourselves, and then one of us will tell everypony. I'm not sure who it will be yet.”
“Okie Dokie Lokie! I'll introduce you right now! HEY EVERYPONY, LOOK WHO'S HERE? It's Rainbow Dash and Spitfire, and this party is all just for them! Also, they have a super duper announcement to make!”
The crowd shifted their attention to the couple, and silence fell immediately. Rainbow decided to speak up, saying “Hi everypony! I'd like to do this quickly, so I'm just going to get right to it. Me and Spitfire have been friends for a few weeks now, but now we're going to be more than friends. Basically, we're an item now.”
Some people looked shocked, others looked amused. Still others looked happy- especially one pony hanging out in the back. He had blue hair, and was silently smiling. It was Soarin. He knew this was coming, Spitfire had been talking about Rainbow Dash almost nonstop. What he hadn't expected, however, was that they would make the announcement in such a public venue- surely, it would have been a better idea to have done it more gradually. But that wasn't the kind of pony that either of them were.
Pinkie Pie was smiling widely, clearly happy that her best friend had found someone for her. “THAT'S AMAZING! Are you excited? Cause I'm excited I've never been so excited well except for the time I found out you were friends but really, what could top THAT? Anyway, LET'S BOOGIE!”
DJ-P0n-3 had made an appearance for this, considering how high profile one of the guests were. Hearing this, she decided to go all out and do a live techno remix of one of Octavia's songs. Rainbow and Spitfire raved into the night, before getting tired and calling it quits around midnight. Their dancing was interrupted by various well-wishers and drink breaks, which usually resulted in them making out. When that happened, everypony usually left them to it- they knew not to get in the way of the two of them.
Twilight Sparkle was there, but she seemed rather awkward whenever she was approached. She stayed next to Soarin most of the night. She blushed whenever she was asked why, and then walked away to get something to drink.
After the party died down, Spitfire and Rainbow Dash retreated to Spitfire's Cloudsdale house this time, deciding that they might change things a little. Spitfire had skipped practice today, and Soarin decided to give the team the day off. They didn't have any performances for the next few weeks anyway. However, Spitfire had been late to, or missed, far to many practices lately. She had to show up tomorrow, and Rainbow knew this. They would stay in the same bed that night, feeling more comfortable now that they were openly in a romantic relationship with each other and were weeks behind what they wanted to be.
Once at Spitfire's home, they were surprised by a knock at the door. Spitfire, being used to this sort of thing, looked out the peephole in the door and sighed, opening the door.
Almost immediately, she put on her confident, brash smile for the fans standing outside. “Hello everypony! How can I help you tonight?”
The crowd responded overwhelmingly, with everyone shouting questions and only one pony having the decency to raise a hoof. Spitfire put a hoof up, silencing the crowd instantly before calling on them.
“Is it true that you are into mares, and that you found a marefriend today?”
People waited for the response- seemingly everyone was going to ask this. Spitfire, on the other hand, was amazed that people had heard about it so quickly, and was about to answer before Rainbow Dash interrupted.
“Yes, it's all true!” she said, surprising everyone in the crowd before closing the door and leaving several with mouths agape.
Once inside, Spitfire looked at Dashie, rather annoyed. They both broke into laughter. “Did you see the looks on their faces?” Dash asked, still laughing hard.
“I feel bad for them, most of them obsessing over me with no other life, and nearly no abilities. I wouldn't say this in front of them, of course, because I still need to be a role model for them, but it is kinda pathetic.”
Dash looked hurt, but quickly recovered because Spitfire herself had told her that she was already being considered as the next member of the team. Even if she did say that, it wouldn't matter. Rainbow wouldn't let a slip of the tongue ruin this. She WAS the element of loyalty, after all.
They moved to the couch, laying there and kissing, to quell any further doubt in the fans - who were still outside- that Spitfire truly had a marefriend now. After the last of them left the window, they started towards the kitchen to get some coffee the way they both liked it. Rainbow decided to try a little of the liquid rainbow - asking Spitfire first, of course- to try and build up an immunity to it.
They chatted over coffee, and when they were finished both went to bed. Dash was surprised by the amount of books Spitfire had. When she asked about them, Spitfire simply said “I'm a bit of an egghead when it comes to math- I use a lot of trig and geometry to plan out the flight plan perfectly. Everyone on the team knows the conversion tables on the vectors depending on the wind speed.”
Dash was stunned, a lot of what Spitfire just said going right over her head. She giggled, saying “Ya know, on Twilight that nerdy stuff can get a bit annoying, but with you it's really cute. You make it sound cooler too- it actually is USEFUL the way you use it.”
Spitfire smiled, and laid down on the bed, shutting of one of the lamps. Rainbow followed, cuddling against her lover and marefriend. Overall, today went really well for the both of them. They slept, dreaming happy dreams, and thinking about the future.
(Author's note: I'll be taking a short break from writing- don't expect the next chapter until either Friday or Saturday.)
(Author's note P.S.; I have a habit of doing this stuff over the rest of my life, and knowing me, I'll probably still pump out a chapter tomorrow.)
It's been great so far, but I can tell it's starting to drag. Try not to keep up with the same thing for too long. Move on to the next point in the story.
This story has its moments, but all in all it could use a bit of work.
The mechanical:
You are inconsistent with the way you space paragraphs, constantly switching between enter and a tab, and 2 enters and a tab (that's a bad way to describe it, but hopefully you'll get my point). You have to watch out for un-pony phrases which aren't relevant in Equestria such as 'one handed embrace' in this chapter. There is some faulty wording and incorrectly worded phrases used, but the real issue is weak sentence flow and faulty logic, for example:
This surprised Rainbow, the tear she shed proving Spitfire spoke the truth.
Proving Spitfire spoke the truth implies she was/would have been doubtful of Spitfire's story about how her friend whose parents died, died because of her.
The plot:
The plot was introduced kind of weakly with Dash crying over somepony who has absolutely no characterization or real hold in the story. On top of that the reason she is crying over him is pretty frivolous, I mean crying because she threatened him not to hurt Derpy? If you decide to revise your first chapter (which I think you should at some point) changing her from full on bawling to simply being in a depressed rut would be a little more believable and less melodramatic. The pacing of your plot is suffering too, because of how the confess they love each other before a first date, or even before knowing each other more than a day. It's far too fast to make the rest of the relationship truly believable (more on pacing below).
The writing style:
While I have seen many fics with an over abundance of purple prose that makes me cringe, in your story there is a lack of interesting diction (trying to google some of the terms or words I use in here might be needed). Your pacing is somewhat suffering due to a bad relativity between time passing as you're reading your writing, and time passing in the story. You often glaze over parts such as here:
When they arrived, they were met by Pinkie Pie, who bounced near the couple saying “Welcome to the party! We've been waiting for you!” Prior to them arriving you have a full paragraph where the setting is never described, and then abruptly have the words 'When they arrived' this sort of effect makes the writer 'visible', and it is often said that the writer should be invisible so that the reader may be fully immersed in reading. This is why mechanical things and writing style are so important to make your story fun to read. The plot is the star of the show no doubt, but without proper writing to hold the plot up, the plot will come out weak and small.
The adversity:
This is unfortunately something you can not really go back and fix without changing your story massively. You have almost every confrontation resolved as soon as it shows up. You can alternatively not have adversity in your story, and rather have it be romantic, but to do that you need to come up with ideas of 'sweet' or 'cute' things that could happen that would keep the reader enthralled with the story. Even if you do that you will most likely have to have some adversity in your story.
Anyway, I'm just taking a break from my new chapter to review the first shipping story I saw in the 'new stories' section. Don't let any of these things be discouraging, you're improving greatly between chapters, and I just wanted to give input to help speed it along. I originally submitted my first fic, and it's still my only fic, but I had to revise it quite a bit, and I'm still waiting on some reviews to do even more changes to the early chapters (I feel my writing was really bad in them).
Finding a good story and emulating how that author writes is a good way to start. From there you can work on defining your own style of writing.
143229 Oh dear. I really do love an in depth review, but you are rather uninformed while doing so.
Your mechanical criticism is well founded, but your plot based is faulty. I wrote a 9,000 word fic describing the lead up to this, and characterizing Derpy quite well. It is by far the better fic- I did this story mainly for a fan. Since this isn't complete, I can fix many of these things in future chapters. However, I do want to wrap this up soon. I thank you for the review of my story, and I hope you rated, no matter how low that rating is. I don't wish to hide from criticism- it makes me glad to see people read my story and think about things, even if they have to be things that I am doing wrong.
Many of these chapters I write are just written in one draft, and posted after a quick run-through by myself. I will try to improve, but I am in school and this has become something of a time consuming monster. I have a good idea for something to write into a new chapter I will release today or tomorrow.
143566
ah, there was no mention of a pre-cursor story (whether it was mandetory or not) in the description, so I didn't know. I have a tendency to not rate incomplete fics (unless I'm willing to give it a 5 just based off what is done so far), so I'll wait and see what improvements you make before rating.
Writing the review got my thought process flowing (which is sort of what I would hope it would do). I don't know if you've read my fic (Flying High, Falling Hard), but there'll be a new chapter up soon!
(sorry if that's a bit presumptuous, but honestly I don't meet many people into shipping who haven't read it)
In the 16th paragraph, you said "bemygirlfriend" shouldn't it be along the lines of "bemymarefriend"?