The Federation shuttle was currently on an intercept course with a populated "hive" world: a place where many of the galaxy's space faring races congregated in gigantic metropolises. These grand cities sprawled outwards for tens of miles, ripe with jobs and opportunities for those they may concern. Like most things, the good came with the bad; unity was not uniform in the wake of the Hoof-Talon threat. While alliances and extended republics were forming across the stars, others with more personal motives saw an opportunity to reap the niche left by the legionaries.
Some hive worlds were taken under the charge of the assembled forces responsible for the extermination of the Hoof-Talons when they liberated the star systems claimed by the hybrids; others became bastions of lawlessness. The Hoof-Talons were a threat to all, and now that they were gone a power vacuum was created -it was only a matter of time before something else grew strong enough to plunge the galaxy back into turmoil on the scale of the Hoof-Talon menace if left unabated.
But from now on, there would be heavy contest for anything of the sort. Whereas the lawless worlds were a constant forge of the hardened, the ones under the protection of the Harmony were stellar sanctums. The Harmony was a stretch of territory spanning many galactic sectors and this space was heavily patrolled and enforced strict neutrality. Any ships found antagonizing any region within the territory were justly dealt with by those which had become paragons of justice...or machines.
While the Hoof-Talons gained their vast superiority in technology through atrocious crimes of science and nature, it did not change the fact that their advanced knowledge had great potential for use for more benign purposes than mindless war and bloodshed. One such development to arise from hybrid technology was completely automated spacecrafts. These law enforcing drones were the key in safe guarding the many territories held by the Harmony. It was rumored that the guild of do-gooders was instituted by a Seapony of notable mechanical inclination, giving rise to its defining asset.
While it was unlikely that he would ever cross paths with the Shu'badi again, Phineas was glad to have picked up some possible news about what his short time companion was up to in these changing times. It was better than assuming he and Uolix never got far beyond their escape pod -better than assuming they had died a long time ago and were not around to see revolution in action.
***
The black and white craft came down through clear, noon skies in a gentle descent, swooping across a hilly savannah with yellow grass blowing in a gentle breeze. In the distance on the plains was the titanic city that put the Equestrian launch hubs to shame. A huge wall stood at the city's outskirts and from above, the roads meandering out into the untamed wilds of the alien world were visible. Monolithic structures rose thousands of feet into the air, with several levels of the city branching out from them, suspended in the air in some magnificent and stomach churning way. The city of Cloudsdale was an example of a floating settlement, but it was completely made of clouds and only the winged races of Earth could have set hoof/claw/paw onto it.
This place was a place of heavy industrialization. Metal and smoke defined the skyline for miles upon miles. This was a place where all races could go anywhere. The ship-city of Gallopso wasn't anything like this!
Phineas brought the shuttle to one of many spaceports, one more oriented for civilian use. It wasn't a gigantic bay where freighters and other similarly sized ships were being tended to. It was morel like a hangar for jets and shuttles, fittingly enough. With the exception of a few space ships -one of which was Phineas'- the hangar was filled mostly with strictly air transports: small speeders which constantly zipped through the skylines on routes designated by beams of bright blue light and holographic signs.
"Wahey! Welcome to Xan'tu!" a voice greeted Phineas after he had started to climb from the shuttle's ladder to the platform it docked with. The sound was like that of a squeaker... passed through a grater.
The armor clad stallion dropped the rest of the way onto the platform the last few rungs of the ladder and looked to the speaker. It was an especially small alien, pinkish flesh with large black eyes. Its head was small in comparison to the rest of its chubby body and its arms were constantly arranging collections of flesh. It was in a white suit which accentuated the alien's round form with blocky compartments and pockets.
"Thank you," Phineas replied, inwardly preparing himself. Xan'tu was one of the hive worlds that suffered from a bad reputation. A reputation that was not unwarranted, however, and caution was always advised. This little unseemly alien could full well be a psychopath!
"What is your business here?" said the little thing with a wide grin on its face.
"A bit over excited, aren't you?" Phineas replied, circumventing the question. The alien's behavior made him uncomfortable and a quick glance over to his HUD displays showed that he was all alone in the parking hangar. Alone except for this tiny alien.
"That's a nice ship!" said the alien with a glimmer in its eye. "Runs like a dream, rare too! That armor you have on looks pretty unique too!"
"I see where this is going," Phineas thought, feeling a surge of anger. All he wanted was to get something to eat and go through the information he stored on his PDA, all the holographic data and images he had collected over the course of his trip across the stars!
"Yeah, and my ship and armor are my property. You'd best fuck off before you start something you will regret," snarled the stallion.
"But why so rude!?" the alien exclaimed playfully, tauntingly at that. "I'm not the one who will give you trouble!" it added, flailing its gelatin arms.
"You're not the-" Phineas muttered, only to have the alien fish out what looked like a communicator out from a compartment from its suit.
"Flood in and kick his shit!" the alien roared into the device, their voice deepening in tone by many multitudes.
"You son of a bitch!" Phineas snarled.
"I'm a woman!" the alien replied, causing Phineas to cock his head in confusion for a short moment. As the pink being reached for something else their pockets, the stallion sprung into action.
His jets deployed and he was back on the ladder in a heart beat, the canopy raising up to allow him access back into the shuttle. If he could avoid unnecessary violence, he would. He strapped in with well practiced speed and method and was seconds away from launching out of the hangar when he heard the muffled thudding against the windshield. Turning his head, Phineas saw that the small alien had grabbed onto the ladder just before it had retracted and was now... hitting the screen.
"... Really?" thought the silver stallion. It would have been comical if it wasn't so bizarre. He didn't get to laugh though, as he saw several doors sliding up on the far wall of the hangar, the light beyond them letting distorted shadows creep into the chamber. Many of them, at that.
"Federation protocol strictly states that operators of a vehicle have to be inside and strapped in at all times, damn it! What happens to you is your own damn fault!"
Phineas powered up the shuttle and shot out of the exit, the alien thrown prone by the sudden acceleration and their flesh-arms flopping about in the wind, desperately trying to keep a grip on the sleek shuttle. At first it was doing a good job, its arms spreading and acting like some kind of glue which kept the alien attached to the windshield, but over the course of the high speed flight several hundred meters in the air, the alien's hold failed. Its fleshy arms peeled from the glass and took to the wind, the alien then shooting off from the shuttle to plummet the long distance to the ground.
"You crazy fucker!" Phineas snarled. How could anyone die for such stupid and trivial reasons?
***
Before long, the shuttle had integrated with the lines of aerial speeders that tore through the skies in between the giant buildings, following the defined paths laid out by the ghostly lights winding above the expansive city. Its pilot wondered about that small alien which had undoubtedly become a smear on the ground. Would the occurrence have scarred anyone? Would it have taken someone by surprise and cause some chain reaction of devastating proportions? Or would it be like Gallopso, where no one paid the body any thought, didn't spare a passing glance?
The Hoof-Talons might be gone but their defeat definitely did not fix every problem. In fact, it might have created a few more problems in the long run, but those things were irrelevant given the nature of the hybrid threat. Recovering though the galaxy may be, in the space between stars, scenes of hostility and brutality were still playing out and they it was unlikely that they would ever end. It was a harsh and undesirable truth, but it only strengthened the resolve the pony had to live by his pledge.
So the Hoof-Talons might be gone, but that didn't mean there weren't others willing to fill the void left by their fall. If one sought evil, they would surely find it. That was especially true of Xan'tu and the other hive worlds like it. While he knew he would never be able to rid the galaxy off its undesirable aspects and he would never be able to save everyone, Phineas did promise to take a stand when he was able to.
So in the age that he helped usher in, Phineas would continue to live decently and lend aid to those who need it. Things were getting better, and there will be a few breaks in between... but in the end, the fight will never be over until his eyes closed for good...
My extensive review over chapters 1-3:
I walked into this story expecting some wonky, broken sci-fi fiction. I will state right here that I was pleasantly surprised and will definitely finish this story at a later date, as well as finish a longer and more organized review for this when I have time to permit doing so. However, for the time being, here is my personal review of chapter 1-3 of Forlorn Ascension. Please note that all of my opinions and notes here are completely personal and that anyone has the right to disagree either partly or fully to what I have found.
Right from the get-go, I was pleased with the grammar and general writing style. However, while the writing has a healthy taste of description and is plenty romantic, it lacks the fluidity I would expect of this style of writing. It feels a little clunky and strained at times, however these times are rare and far between enough that this did not break the story in the least.
Now, as for the character. I want to like this character, I really do. You gave us plenty effort to try and get us to empathize with Phineas, but his character itself is what shakes me from him. He seems to be trying to fill multiple character roles, notably both the brash egotistic leader-type while also trying to be the understanding student willing to learn. These are two character types that, while possible to co-exist, are difficult to mend together, which you reasonably have trouble doing. However, his underlying morals and virtues are pure enough to give me the impression of greater character growth, which gives me hope.
From there, however, there is slight contradictions between the story and the character himself. You write that he refrains from boasting about his superiority to his other fellow cadets, but then go on to state that he lacks personal discipline. This is slightly contradictory. You attempt to clean this up by having Phineas accept this, which is done well and shifts decently enough, however as I earlier stated, it reads clunky and feels too loose, almost as if you wanted to write more but are trying too hard to stretch out the character development. This is by no means a bad thing, however it does create a small difficulty in understanding the character.
Given these points, you do a good job at keeping the story interesting; you did a good job at hooking me in and wanting to see what happens.
One part that made me raise an eyebrow, however, is him suddenly shift from the egotistical challenge to being a flirt, which was out of the blue and almost went opposite what you'd displayed with Phineas. This was neither good nor bad in the sense of effecting the story, however it was definitely... unexpected.
At this point, it seems like you're having trouble pinning down what his character wants to be. What you seem to want your character to be seen as is visible, however you seem to have difficulty in nailing these aspects down. He goes from being brash and assertive to trying (in a somewhat unbelievable and insincere manner) to be empathetic and understanding. Again, the points are there, but they just didn't connect as well as I was expecting.
As well as the character are when you attempt character progression. This wasn't bad, persay, but the timing and location seem a little- okay, considerably strained, as if you weren't sure when or where you wanted this part to be. You seemed to have it planned out well enough, but actually pulling it off was a little rougher than I would have preferred. It was a sudden and decisive hack in Phineas's aforementioned character, and kind of tried (again) to have him play all of the character roles he hadn't shown any concern. Following this, the attempts at comedy are present but muddled by the general down-playing of the over-all mood.
What I liked: 1The hook in this is, contrary to what others might say, your strongest point. I loved it. I wanted to read more, I wanted to learn more about what was going on. 2The grammar and spelling was up to par, and you have a nice growth in plot and story. 3I liked how diverse you presented the potential character growth and the destination of the story.
What I felt could have been worked on: 1Really, the only thing I had difficulty with was your OC, namely his individual character. He seems to try and fill multiple character types that go against each other, and while you provide reasonable explanations for this (at least ones that can be reached after some thought), they have trouble fitting together. Also, the only thing that truly erks me is that you place him in a "Respectable Leadership Position", but he shows the exact opposite of what could be leadership traits, such as lack of discipline (which is possibly the most important leadership trait out there). This ties in with his character flaws; they aren't huge, but they argue with the story as a whole.
My final verdict on this story: I enjoyed the beginning to what looks to be a promising and quite epic tale. I hope to see what Phineas will become, and where he will go. I want to see more. To that, I say bravo. You have one more reader
Rating: 9.25/10
2105426
Thank you so very much for this review. While I am sure the drifting nature of Phineas' "character compass" so to speak is indeed an issue, some of his behaviors make a lot more sense when given context later in the story. Thank you very much once again and I hope the ending is up to snuff with what you're used to reading.
2105579
I'm sure it will be