Cloud 9
"Everyday was the worst, painful, and horrific days of my life" - Lionheart Steelwing
Today is my last day to see my family before I am shipped to an operation.In the waiting room I am talking to my brother."Where are you gonna go" said my brother
"I Dont know, they never told us" I said. "Well... kick their ass" my bro said while chuckling. I had no expression on my face, as i knew i was going to die
later on. "Wheres mom?" I asked. "She said, I am to scared to see you". "well tell her i said good bye". The bell rang... its time to go. "I'm going to miss you bro" I said while haveing the urge to cry.
As im walking through the long drafty hallway to enter the plane im starting to cry beacuse i have a feeling I might not have a chance to see my family agian. As i felt burning heat going from my head to paw, I started to vomit, as i was too scared to enter the plane
I decided to push myself into the plane. when I enter inside im sitting with 6 fellow troops. I asked them "so whats the name of the operation." a man named pvt. lemon said "We dont know yet. We just have to wait."
Fifteen hours of trying to stay awake I passed out on the floor. Dreaming about home... the cool breeze in the hot day. But then something happend. There was 6 other ponies.
None like my troops i only remember one of them. one of them was pink. that is all I can say, all i can remember. Then I woke up to the sounds of screaming in the forest. they were all gone.
I looked around. No blood. No signs of resistance. I yelled at the top of my lungs "HELLO, IS ANYBODY HERE !" I went into the airplane, grabbed all supplies i need.
Then i came across a box. I figured out that this is Operation Cloud 9. So i left the airplain, with nothing but a flare. i said to myself to keep my sanity "good thing i have my claws
and my braces" I try to fly my way up but then i yell out the most horrific scream ever. I looked at my wing it was nearly torn in half. And my paw is bleeding for some reason.
I coulndt feel anything beacuse i was in shock. I still have my med kit, but im low on supplies. as im healing myself, i hear something in the bushes. I think it was one of my teammates.
I was wrong... I dont know what it was but it jumped out of the bushes trying to pounce on me. I punched it reapdetly it the face until it was unconsious.
I dont know what it was but it had sharp teeth, holes in the feet, had wings and a horn and green eyes. I had to watched my back. so i decided to enter the forest to
look for my teammates it was a very long journey, but i think i can handle it. I mean... were all alive aren't we?
END OF PART ONE
I will do two things; I will first read this chapter and analyse it for errors, then I will proceed to give my actual criticism of the story itself.
Few things wrong here: you forgot the punctuation after, "go," and you forgot the punctuation after, "brother."
"Said," wouldn't be the proper term used in this situation. The word, said, is used when the subject is determining a statement. In this case, it's a question. The proper word would be, asked.
You put random capitalizations, and missed a few as well as missing a few here and there; this seems to be continuous in this section of the dialogue.
You've also missed many punctuations.
Keep in mind; always separate the people talking in this situation- pony or not, I'm using people since it wasn't specified yet. Before I continue with the specified corrections in text, I'll show you a more visual version using your paragraph.
I'll now put the corrected version of this dialogue:
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"I don't know, they never told us." I said.
"Well, kick their ass!" My bro said while chuckling. I had no expression on my face, as I knew I was going to die.
---
What have you noticed that was changed? Now obviously, it is highlighted, but if I had left it the same color as everything else, would you have noticed it?
If not, this is what I have changed with a reason.
The word, don't:
I changed the, "d" in, "don't," to lowercase, because it is not a proper noun.
Proper nouns - A name, something important.
I also added a apostrophe before the letter, "t."
All of the punctuations:
Aside from the word, don't, you've missed a period or comma (your choice) after the word, "us."
The ellipse that you put after the word, "well," is not needed, provided that you're not pausing for a long period of time. Ellipses are used when you're in deep thought/pondering, and is usually used before a description of the subject.
---
Example:
"I put the other muffin in the refrigerator, I think..." Derpy paused, her googly eyes pointed downwards, but looked back up with her conclusion, "yup, they're definitely in the refrigerator!"
---
The word, "I," needs to be capitalized, and you forgot the period after, "die."
---THE MISTAKES I LISTED ABOVE SEEM TO BE CONSTANT, SO I WON'T LIST ANY OF THOSE TYPES OF MISTAKES AGAIN---
In this sentence, there is a random space before the exclamation point.
The exclamation point should also be a question mark, as the person is clearly asking a question.
"I went into the airplane, grabbed all the supplies i need."
There should be a conjunction word (and, but, etc.) before the word, "grabbed." Otherwise, you should've put a semicolon and changed the word, "need," to, "needed."
A scream can't be measured by quantity, but it can be measured by volume.
---
Corrected:
I try to fly my way up, but then I yell out the loudest scream ever.
---
Airplain should be spelled as, "airplane."
I'll make this my last correction as the rest seem to be more constant errors from the listed erors above.
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So I left the airplane with nothing but a flare. I said to myself to keep my sanity, "good thing I have my claws and braces."
---
Now onto the actual review of this story.
I like the plot, it isn't something you see everyday, and is, from what I could tell, a war story.
There are many errors in this story all the way from spelling and punctuation to random spaces and new paragraphs.
The first chapter seems to have been written in five minutes while drunk, or three minutes while sober. The plot moves along too fast with the lack of description, and I barely got the feel of location as well as what really happened when our main character entered the plane with his troops.
We all know that he was sad that he was leaving his brother, but what did he really feel? He could have been crying because he was happy, or crying because he was leaving his brother and was saddened by that situation. Then, it seems that he randomly falls asleep while thinking of home, and awakes in a random area with intensive heat, and the soldiers are missing.
Descriptions are important. It provides structure to the story, and gives the reader a reason to come back to the story, because it gives them interest. It can also give readers emotion to the story, and when there is a loss to a character who partook in a large part of the story, thus having a large importance to the main character with a connection to the audience- the readers, they'll actually feel emotion.
Connection; connect to your readers to help them become more interested in the story. Make them attached.
All in all, this needs more descriptions, proof reading/editing, and more character build up.
Chapters seem really short, so work on that too.
- Thunder Seethe