A Matter of Rules of War

by dramatic_spoon

Come Together

“GET BACK HERE!”

Twilight flung a bone saw toward an overturned table. As it clanged off harmlessly, Time Turner poked his head out.

“And let somepony fondle my liver and spleen? I think not.” He ducked under the table again as another bone saw sailed past him. The stallion stuck his head back out, a taunting grin on his face.
“You have terrible bedside manner, you know that?”

The smile dropped from his face, as the unicorn’s telekinetic aura tossed the table to the side. Time Turner stepped back, dragging the remains of the leather straps with him.

“And now that that little distraction is over wi-”

The necromancer was interrupted at the sound of shattering glass and falling rock. Both ponies turned their attention toward the area of the sound.

“What on Equestria was that?” the unicorn turned her attention back to Time Turner, “Wait…what did your friends do?”

“Honestly, even if they let me in on it, I still wouldn’t tell you.” The stallion shrugged.

“….Subject Seventy three.”

An undead pony stitched together from several ponies and a griffon shambled forward. Its faded rainbow mane flopped around listlessly, as its back talons chipped across the floor.

“Stay here and guard the prisoner.” Twilight Sparkle instructed the undead pony. She shifted her attention to Time Turner, “Do not try to escape. I have more guards.”

The unicorn trotted off to investigate, leaving the undead pony with Time Turner.

“Well that was an astonishing display of genre blindness. Leaving me locked in a room filled with sharp things and only one guard.” Time Turner frowned, “Unless it’s meant for me to assume that it was a display of genre blindness, only for me to fall for an even more insidious trap.
Or is it a subversion?”

The stallion sat down, pondering his predicament.

THE LIBRARY

“Ah ha! Found it.”

Spike looked up from his book. Rarity scanned the pages, mumbling to herself.

“….this is actually a much easier spell than I thought it would be.” Rarity looked up, “I just need something to practice o-”

Her train of thought was cut off by the sound of heavy, lumbering footsteps drawing closer.

“…Spike what’s the largest undead that Twilight has?”

“…Probably the Alicorn she made.” Spike scratched his head. “It’s like six or seven ponies stitched together and it can fly. Somehow.”

“Does it sound like that when it walks?”

“No, it makes clopping noise, why?”

“…Because I think we’re about to meet somepon-”

The door of the room exploded inward as Big Macintosh entered the room. He spun around, slamming the door shut before slumping to the ground.

“Macintosh, what happened?” Rarity trotted over to the stallion. Her eyes widen slightly when she noticed the bleeding nicks and slashes covering his flank.

“Those ain’t as bad as it looks.” The stallion panted, “lil’ love taps. Bleeds more than they should.”

“That still doesn’t tell me what happened.”

“Found Braeburn’s body. Got into a little scrap with some undead guard, and next thing I know, a giant bear started to attack me.”

“A bear?” Spike’s eyes widened in realization, “What did you do?”

Big Macintosh’s gaze flickered to Rarity.

“It’s alright.” Rarity nodded, “He’s helping us.”

“Really?” Big Macintosh glanced back at Spike, “Ain’t he her assistant?”

“She’s a very poor master, as it turns out. Beside, I don’t think he’s trying to trick us.”

“…I’ll take your word for it, Miss Rarity.” The stallion turned his attention back to Spike, “You know what that thing is?”

“Ah…three days ago the science-pirate Heartstrings showed up with an…item.” Spike paused, “See, Twilight needs bodies. The last battle between their forces ended badly, sense Trixie got the jump on her with some undead cattle and buffalo.”

“There’s buffalo out here?” Big Macintosh interrupted.

“No, no, we think that she paid off one of the air-pirates to kidnap some from the west. Anyway, Twilight wanted something…bigger. She wanted an Ursa Major.”

“That’s an Ursa Major?” Big Macintosh’s eyes widened in terror.

“No, it’s an Ursa Minor” Spike corrected him. “We couldn’t get one.”

“That thing’s a baby?” Big Macintosh stared at the dragon in absolute disbelief.

“….how did you get it into the castle?” Rarity pondered.

“It wasn’t easy, we had to chop off a few more of its limbs and-”

A massive paw smashed through the wall, causing rocks to shower onto the occupants of the room. Rarity and Big Macintosh spun around as the Ursa Minor continued to struggle, trying to grab the ponies.

“Spike is there another way out of here?” Rarity backed towards the dragon.

“There’s a secret door that leads to the lab.” Spike ran over to the bookshelf and yanked out one of the books. The wall opened up, revealing a dark, dank corridor. The ponies and dragon rushed down the passage, as the Ursa Minor drove another paw through the wall.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S OPERATING ROOM

Time Turner rolled onto his back, rubbing his chin in thought.

“Alright, so this is most likely an attempt to trick me into thinking that she let her guard down, so that I would be tricked into keeping my guard up, even though she had let her guard down, because she anticipated that I would not think that she dropped her guard, so that I would be forced to stay on guard in a situation that doesn’t really need me to be one guard and…Oh no, I’ve gone cross-eyed.”

The stallion sat back up, shaking his head in a vain attempt to clear his thoughts. He turned his attention to the staring pony-griffon.

“So tell me, are there more of you ominously waiting to ambush me if I try to do anything? He jokingly asked. The undead pony-griffon continued to blankly stare at him.
“….I take that as a yes.”

The groaning of stone sliding on stone filled the room. The undead pony turned to look for the source of the sound, only for Big Macintosh’s metallic leg smash its head against the wall.

“That’s th’ only one, right?” Big Macintosh inquired.

“To tell you the truth, I’m not sure.” The two stallions stood in awkward silence, listening for movement or the smell of rot and the bite of preservatives.

“Alright, I think that was the only one.” Time Turner chuckled, “That means I could have escaped earlier.”

“I don’t think that would have been a good idea.” Rarity and Spike trotted out of the secret passage.

“Alright, now can I know the big secret plan?” Time Turner pleaded.

The elements of honesty and generosity exchanged a quick glance and sighed. “I reckon so.”

“Well at this point all of those plans are ruined sense we didn’t see that thing coming.” Rarity agreed.

“Miss Rarity, no pony could have accounted for that.” Big Macintosh countered. He turned his attention to Time Turner and continued, “Well, simply put, I was suppose ta sabotage the machinery that she’d need to do her work, while Miss Rarity would look around for somethin’ that would help us take care o’ the undead that are currently wanderin’ around.”

“Well that sounded simple enough.” Time Turner nodded, “So what happened?”

“She had an Ursa Minor.”

“…wait, what? Time Turner blinked in confusion, “We didn’t see anything like that when we were coming here.”

“It was in some kinda pool o’ preservatives or somethin’. I somehow let it out.” Big Macintosh blushed.

“….You WHAT?!?!” Time Turner’s expression changed to disbelief.

“…well I didn’t know it was there.”

ELSEWHERE IN THE CASTLE

Twilight continued down a hallway, flanked by several undead ponies, griffons and one minotaur. An undead filly, stitched together from several foals, and possessing two pairs of adult pony wings landed in front of Twilight.

“Subject 83, what is your report?”

“Storage facility destroyed.” The filly gurgled. “Subject 823 escape.”

“The Ursa Minor?” Twilight blinked in confusion, “How did it get out?”

“Not know.” The filly shrugged, “too much damage in facility.”

“Damn, there went all my spare parts.” Twilight scratched her head before continuing, “Subject 83, you are to take the other scouts and search for Subject 823. If you find it, do not engage and return to find me.”

“Yes master.”

The filly took off. Twilight turned to the undead Minotaur.

“Subject 662, Gather a unit, and prepare for take down.”

“As you command, master.”

The minotaur lumbered off, as an undead alicorn gracefully strided over towards Twilight’s side. The body of the Alicorn was a mess of patchwork, with abrupt shifts and changes in fur color; the unicorn head possessed white fur, magenta eyes and an electric blue mane, the body was mostly that of a yellow Pegasus mare, with crudely attached replacement hunks of body, giving it a mess of yellow, orange, grey and blue body parts, and a green tail, and finally the legs were that of an Pink earth pony.

“Master Twilight.”

“Subject 27.”

“I do not believe that this is the safest course of action to take. Your two other guests, and Subject 1 are missing.”

“The other two are nothing to be concerned about. My guards shall be more than enough to deal with them.” Twilight paused, “as for Spike, I have been considering breaking him down for spare parts. I need more…loyal servants, such as you, Subject 27.”

“Still, Master” the Alicorn paused, “It is best to be cautious.”

“I know that you pile of rejected pig slop.” Twilight snapped, “that is why I am calling everyone ba-”

Something smashed into the cobblestones in front of Twilight. The front half of an undead filly struggled to pull itself into a sitting position.

“It comes.” The filly wheezed before collapsing back to the ground. Twilight blinked.

“Where is Subject 662?” Twilight inquired.

“Subject 662 shall return shortly.” An undead pony responded. “In the meantime, Subjects 22, 92, 302, 444, and 291 have vanished.”

“Subject 321 reports that there is massive damage to the library and the secret passage has been opened.” another Undead pony chimed in.

“…Subject 27, I want you to gather Subjects 3, 88, 95 and 391, and prepare for combat.” Twilight ordered the alicorn. The Alicorn bowed.

“As you command.” The alicorn rose and trotted off. Twilight turned her attention back to the other undead ponies.
“Subjects 342, 222, and 839, go forward, and prepare to hold off the Ursa. Subject 249, come with me. The rest of you assist in delaying the Ursa.”

Twilight turned around and trotted off, followed by a six-legged Griffon-Unicorn.

“Well, this is certainly going poorly. I should have just captured them as soon as they got here, and then none of this would be happening.” Twilight blinked, “Unless… they’re only a distraction and Trixie has sent someone more competent and dangerous to actually perform the act of sabotage.”
Twilight blinked again, “Yes! That must be it. Those aren’t the real Elements of Harmony; those must be doubles, or fakes. I knew there was something suspicious about an earth pony being the Element of Magic.”
Twilight smugly puffed out her chest before continuing, “So now I believe that it is best to prepare for more competent individuals.
Unless….” Twilight’s eyes widened in realization, “Unless they’re purposely acting like that to throw me off, and fool me into thinking that they’re less competent, while they really are competent and preparing to finish their work as they make me worry about ponies who aren’t even here…..”

A roar shattered Twilight’s train of thought. Spinning around, Twilight watched in surprise as several undead ponies were torn apart by a massive claw.

“….well. That’s not a good thing.” Twilight turned to the griffon-unicorn, “Subject 249! Hold it off!”

Twilight turned around and fled, as the griffon-unicorn darted forward. The Ursa smashed the undead with a swing of its paw. Other undead ponies appear, in a vain attempt to battle the Ursa. While some of the dead manage to deal minor stab or slash wounds, the Ursa is able to shrug it all off, and destroy its assailants.

“At least its destructive power is very impressive.”

TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S OPERATING ROOM

“…and that’s how we should do it.” Time Turner concluded.

“…..Time Turner, that’s absolutely ridiculous.” Rarity shook her head.

“Do you have a better idea, Miss Rarity?” Big Macintosh countered, “I reckon it’s worth a try.”

“…If this backfires…” Rarity began, before Time Turner interrupted her.

“It won’t.” Time Turner smiled, “Trust me.”

“…let’s do it.” Rarity nodded.

Comments

[dramatic_spoon]

A Unicorn with an Electric Blue Mane, Magenta eyes, and white fur.

....erm, at least she died for science?

...if it's really her.

[Listie The Scribe Maid]

(Joke) Alt. Title: Dr. $awbones (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The AU War)

[dramatic_spoon]

2021685

I like it.
Sounds abit more like a comedy, though.

[Listie The Scribe Maid]

2021769
Well, Dr. Strangelove was a comedy. A black comedy, but one nonetheless.

[dramatic_spoon]

2021782

I was actually referring to the $awbones part.
If you're gonna spell it that way, it sure as hell sounds like a comedy.