A fair start.

Some minor issues with punctuation, but nothing a good proofreading couldn't overcome.

You may get flack for not properly making your paragraphs readable, as some of your paragraphs run into each other, thus confusing the reader. Here in FiMFiction, most of the readers here are often adamant regarding such things. My own stories have had such comments of such, as my paragraphs often run long.

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thanks so much for the comment.
Unfortunately I had also noticed the issue of paragraphs but for some reason during the formatting of the text this thing came up and it wouldn't go away.

I am intrigued