Fading Sanity

by MorganaTheNotCat

𝕃 𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕒𝕓𝕪𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕙

Author's Note:

For this chapter, I suggest you read with non-justified formatting.

"STOP!" I screamed as I woke up in a cold sweat, hanging onto my bedsheet. My eyes darted across the room, I was in my bedroom.^{𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕚𝕥 𝕒𝕟𝕪𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖} I didn't want to get up, I wanted to stay on my bed but I knew I had to do something. I can't leave this be. I can't.

That feeling, that same feeling when I was trapped down there. That feeling of helplessness, loneliness... It kept coming back to me, coming back with a memory. One specific memory which I've been trying to keep away from my mind. It was unfortunately familiar to what I had felt before.

I lied. Perhaps I lied more to myself than anything. I'm a realist, and that part is true, but despite finding solace in my books I still don't feel whole. Deep down, I feel an emptiness devouring my soul every single day, but that facade is covered up by my "Love" for books. I don't care about that anymore. My own birthday party years ago had left me scarred, this hatred of genuine friendships and connections with others prevented me from making new friends. I didn't want to get hurt again. But now, here I am... I just wish I had someone to tell me everything will be okay. Books don't do that. I can't give up though, not yet at least. There are still things to solve.

I want to go down there again, and I'll go prepared this time_{𝕐𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖}. I'll figure it out from there. A source of magical power must be creating all of this, all this shape shifting, teleporting, impossible geometry kind of deal. I reached for my glasses on the drawer, but realized they were once again on the right side of the bed. I got up and walked around, putting them on only to find that the cracked lens were no more. It was now pristine and clean. I'm getting used to this sort of thing by this point.

Candles, some rope, a storm lantern, a few pieces of parchment for sketching, a compass, some food, a sleeping bag and a hiking bag. I didn't know what awaited me, perhaps a pony-eating manticore or something of the sort. But I'll deal with it. I'll... Find some way. I'm sure I had all these items with me, I just need to prepare to venture into the unknown.

---

I stood before the entrance. My legs were already trembling, I knew that I shouldn't go down there. Everything compelled me to do the contrary. My mind was telling me to go back, if I could just wait for Twilight to get here, I'd be able to use her help. I'd find out everything that was happening, and maybe I'd even go out for a cup of tea with her. But for one, I'd have to endure this for days on end until she finally got here. 𝕀 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕜 𝕀'𝕕 𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕘. And there was also something else about that basement entrance. It called to me, the whispers I heard before, that's what they were saying. They told me to go deeper, they were calling my name. It was impossible to ignore.

My legs were already shaking before I even took a step, flashbacks of that terrible scene from yesterday filled my mind with terror and anxiety. I took one deep breath before finally stepping forward, using my magic to pull on the handle and open the double trapdoor. Once again, that darkness. It filled me with dread. But I had to push on. I stared into the dark abyss, every step took me further

𝔻𝕠𝕨𝕟...

		𝔻𝕠𝕨𝕟...

			 𝔻𝕠𝕨𝕟...

				𝔻𝕠𝕨𝕟...

					𝔻𝕠𝕨𝕟...

						𝔻𝕠𝕨𝕟...

I reached the end of the stairs. Or as much of an end as there could be. Behind me, the entrance had already shut. The darkness around me crept in, as if it was stalking or enveloping me. I used my horn light for a second, I knew it'd be futile but whatever faint light it gave me was enough to put me at slight ease, ℂ𝕖𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕒 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨𝕤 𝕀'𝕝𝕝 𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕕 𝕚𝕥. I'll need a clear mind if I want to get through this.

The map. Right. I should start at the bottom. I got the piece of paper out of my bag I floated it before me using my magic and my horn to light it up. A circle at the bottom, that represented my entrance and where I came from. Before I get going, I want to check something. Out of another pocket, I floated a metal compass close to my eyes, I had to shift my glasses a bit before I could see through the dirty glass. The magnetic needle spun aimlessly inside the compass housing, at one point, magnetic north was right in front of me, then to my left, then behind me even though I was standing completely still.

I wouldn't be able to find my bearings with this, but it's so... Frustrating... I've came all this way prepared only to find out that everything I tried was useless. I wasn't even getting closer to an answer. I just knew something was happening, but I didn't know anything about it. I hated this feeling of being powerless, not knowing what to do, or where to go... Usually my books would give me all the knowledge I need, but there is no book that can prepare me for something like this. In a fit of rage, I threw the compass against one of the walls, grunting as I watched the glass hit the wall and break. Enough of that already.

I floated the storm lantern out of my bag, I was glad I wouldn't have to rely on the faint light of my horn, but I would have to refill the lantern every so often. I had prepared the lantern beforehand, all I needed to do was spark the fire. And so I did. It was quite simple really, a spell I had learned a while ago helped me do the job effortlessly. The orange light soon invaded the hallway, casting itself on the jet black walls that surrounded me. Time to press forward. ^{𝕀'𝕞 𝕤𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕖𝕕}

---

Each twist and turn of this dark maze feels like I'm slipping further into a dark abyss which I can't escape out of. I don't know how long I've been down here already, looks like despite my preparing, I didn't bring a damn watch. Everything looks the same, everything feels the same. The same dark, cold and empty corridors that I saw 30 minutes ago are the ones I'm seeing now. Or was it 10 minutes ago? I can't tell.

What a dumb idea it was to bring a map. The walls shift. They become larger or smaller, they close in on themselves, they change shapes. Sometimes, the corridors are diagonal, sometimes, there are stairs that go up into a second floor before going back down in the same room, only for everything to be different again_{ℕ𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕝𝕒𝕓𝕪𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕙}. I spent my time mapping out this place, but it was useless. I had left my map behind long ago.

The feeling of being alone in such an ominous place fills me with dread. Every hoof step made me that much closer to delirium. Despite knowing I was alone, I would still look behind me and check my back every so often. I heard whispers. They were calling my name. I'm sure of it. ^{𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕠𝕦𝕥}. I hope my letter reaches Twilight. 𝕀 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕗𝕖𝕖𝕝 𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕖.

I couldn't take it anymore. Reaching a small square room, I sat down in the cold unforgiving floor with a sigh. My muscles were tired and my limbs felt heavy, I was starting to feel light-headed and yet, no real progress had been made. The light on my lantern was the only thing that gave me company and guided my way. I leaned back against one of the walls on the room and looked up at the 'Ceiling'. It was just darkness that stretched endlessly.

I shouldn't have come down here. I shouldn't have come to this house. I shouldn't have come to Canterlot at all. I don't know why or how I thought it was a good idea. Was this an effect that this place was having on me? Am I being compelled down here? Is there something I need to discover? Those questions lingered in my mind but honestly... I didn't care for an answer. After what I've been through, 𝕀 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕖𝕟𝕕. 𝔹𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕞𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕒𝕟 𝕖𝕟𝕕. The answer is that it was probably some kind of powerful amulet or dark magic or whatever that for some reason chose my house as its resting place or something. But who cares about the answer.

My mind, once filled with determination and curiosity, was now blank. Devoid of any semblance of life, or will to continue. I stared at the wall before me, its lifeless surface reflected my state of mind in that moment, devoid of any kind of thought or will or anything. There was no frustration, no sadness, no guilt or anger. Just nothing.

There was no escape, not only from the maze but from my head.

And I just sat there.

𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘.

But... Then...

A light glimmer in the dark...

What's that? Coming from around the corner?

I gathered the courage to lift myself from the ground, floating my lantern beside me. I left my bag by the room, knowing I probably wouldn't ever see it again. My eyes were already wide in excitement, the bleakness that shrouded me just seconds ago was now completely gone. The fact that I found ANYTHING that isn't another dark corridor was enough to get me on my four hooves.

The light was coming from around the corner, I peeked through and saw a door. A white wooden door, white as snow. It felt familiar to me for some reason, I just couldn't quite be sure why. My heart was pumping fast as I reached for the handle, when a sudden memory came back to me. That dreadful day. My birthday. It made me hesitate. Maybe I shouldn't be curious... From what I've seen so far, this place can't have something good in it.

My hoof reaches for the door's handle.
𝔻𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕕𝕠 𝕚𝕥.
and while hesitant at first, I was curious as to what's inside.
𝔻𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕠𝕡𝕖𝕟 𝕚𝕥
The light coming from the bottom of the door made me excited.
𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕒𝕨𝕒𝕪
This was the only light in this maze of illusions.
𝕐𝕠𝕦'𝕣𝕖 𝕓𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕣𝕚𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕕
Maybe this door holds the answer to everything...
𝕐𝕠𝕦'𝕝𝕝 𝕣𝕖𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕥 𝕚𝕥
With one deep breath, I turned the knob and pushed the door open.

---

Bright sunlight flooded my view, I had to rub my eyes. Being in darkness for so long accustomed my vision to the faint light. The smell of fresh air reinvigorated my forces, the grass beneath my hooves made me feel free once again, the sound of birds chirping in the distance only added to that feeling. But once I could finally see, I regretted my decision.

It was that day again. My birthday. I could see the tables arranged, party foods were laid out in bowls, decorations right outside Canterlot castle, I was lucky the princess allowed me to do my party there. I was at the table, or better, a younger version of me. That smile... I never could smile like that again. I thought she was coming, that's why I was so excited. Minuette approached me, she had a gift on her back and a smile on her face. Lemon heart was on the other side, next to Twinkleshine.

I didn't want to see all this again. I didn't want to relive this. I turned around back to face the door, and it had disappeared. Of course it had. I turned back around at the scene again, my eyes wide, my breathing becoming shallower and quicker. I just froze, watching the worst day of my life unfold before my very eyes once again.

"Is Twilight coming?" The joy. I'd never felt anything like it ever since then. And the silence from my friends. It only confirmed my suspicions. "Oh... Okay..." It wasn't just a party. Twilight would never understand that. She thought that our friendship could be discarded like that, the only friends I ever had. I felt 𝕎𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕙𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕘𝕠𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕟, unwanted by those around me. I felt like a burden.

"Hey! We'll still have fun, right?" Minuette tried to cheer up the mood, but it didn't matter.

"Sure..." The memories came flooding back to me. Those same feelings, those same emotions. Minuette and her friends were nice and all, but they weren't like Twilight. She was special to me, and I cared a lot about her. It took the girls a long time to convince me that I was worth something, that I mattered and that I was important. 𝔹𝕦𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕖𝕟𝕕, 𝕀 𝕕𝕚𝕕𝕟'𝕥 𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕖𝕟𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕥𝕠 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟 𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕦𝕡.

The emptiness in my chest... I could feel it as I felt on that same day, the same day I was forgotten and left behind by a supposed friend. In the end, I didn't matter. I wasn't important anyway. I was never worth anything to begin with. I held back but... It was difficult. Tears swelled up my eyes, running down my cheeks the way they did in that same day.

To my despair, the scene repeated itself.

Again.

And again.

And again...

An endless loop of that day. I tried to look away, I tried to cover my ears, close my eyes, but no matter what I did, I could still feel it. 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕙𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤. 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕕. 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕠𝕨. 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕖𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤. Everything I had felt on that day, and the day after that, and the months after that, and the years. 𝕀 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕𝕟'𝕥 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕚𝕥 𝕒𝕟𝕪𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖. 𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕞𝕒𝕣𝕖. 𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕞𝕖𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕪.

I read my books to hide the pain, if I bury myself in study, I won't have time for friendship, I won't have a chance to be broken down like that again. But deep down, I knew it was a cover up. I lived a miserable life, and I will continue to live it for the rest of my life because 𝕀'𝕞 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕙𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤. 𝕀 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕖 𝕗𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕤, 𝕀 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕖 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖. 𝕀 𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕚𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕖, 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕘𝕠𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕟.

𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕔𝕖𝕟𝕖 𝕒𝕘𝕒𝕚𝕟 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕘𝕒𝕚𝕟, 𝕟𝕠 𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕝𝕠𝕦𝕕 𝕀 𝕤𝕔𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕕, 𝕟𝕠 𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕀 𝕥𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕚𝕘𝕟𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕚𝕥, 𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖. 𝕀 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕𝕟'𝕥 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕟𝕗𝕦𝕝 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝕨𝕒𝕤, 𝕀 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕨𝕚𝕤𝕙 𝕚𝕥 𝕨𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕡! 𝕀 𝕨𝕚𝕤𝕙 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕟 𝕨𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕘𝕠 𝕒𝕨𝕒𝕪! 𝕎𝕙𝕪 𝕞𝕖!? 𝕆𝕗 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕡𝕠𝕟𝕚𝕖𝕤!? 𝕎𝕙𝕪 𝕕𝕠 𝕀 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕠'𝕤 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕔𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕘𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤!? 𝕀 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕚𝕥 𝕒𝕟𝕪𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖, 𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕘𝕦𝕚𝕝𝕥, 𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕝𝕖 𝕞𝕪 𝕡𝕒𝕤𝕥, 𝕀 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕚𝕥 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕥𝕠 𝕖𝕟𝕕!

𝕀 𝕁𝕌𝕊𝕋 𝕎𝔸ℕ𝕋 𝕀𝕋 𝔸𝕃𝕃 𝕋𝕆 𝔼ℕ𝔻

𝕄𝔸𝕂𝔼              𝕀𝕋 𝕊          𝕋𝕆ℙ				
		                               	𝕀 ℂ𝔸ℕ'𝕋 𝕋𝔸𝕂𝔼 𝕄𝕌ℂℍ 𝕄𝕆ℝ𝔼 𝕆𝔽 𝕋ℍ𝕀𝕊
														                         		𝔼𝕄ℙ𝕋𝕐	
							𝔸           𝕃𝕆ℕ𝔼	
								
	              
			                          𝔸𝕃𝕆ℕ𝔼	𝕄𝔸𝕂𝔼 𝕀𝕋 𝕊𝕋𝕆ℙ							𝕀 ℂ𝔸ℕ'𝕋 𝕋𝔸𝕂𝔼 𝕄𝕌ℂℍ 𝕄𝕆ℝ𝔼 𝕆𝔽 𝕋ℍ𝕀𝕊
										

									𝔼𝕄ℙ𝕋𝕐	
			𝔸𝕃𝕆ℕ𝔼	
				                𝔸𝕃𝕆ℕ𝔼																			ℍ𝕆ℙ𝔼𝕃𝔼𝕊𝕊
                                                                                                                                 ℍ𝕆ℙ𝔼𝕃𝔼𝕊𝕊												𝔼𝕄ℙ𝕋𝕐		
		                                                                                 𝕀 ℂ𝔸ℕ'𝕋 𝕋𝔸𝕂𝔼 𝕄𝕌ℂℍ 𝕄𝕆RE
												𝕄𝔸𝕂𝔼 𝕀𝕋 					𝕊𝕋𝕆ℙ																			ℍ𝕆ℙ   𝔼𝕃𝔼𝕊𝕊
                                       ℍ𝕆ℙ𝔼𝕃𝔼𝕊𝕊												𝔼 𝕄ℙ𝕋    𝕐		𝕀 ℂ𝔸ℕ' 

	𝕋𝔸𝕂𝔼 𝕄𝕌ℂℍ 𝕄𝕆REℍ𝕆ℙ𝔼𝕃𝔼𝕊𝕊 
					𝕄𝔸𝕂𝔼 𝕀𝕋 𝕊𝕋𝕆ℙ	

					                                      	ℍ𝕆ℙ𝔸𝔹𝔸ℕ𝔻𝕆ℕ𝔼𝔻𝔼𝕃𝔼𝕊𝕊
                                                      𝔸𝔹𝔸	
							ℕ𝔻𝕆ℕ𝔼𝔻					𝔼ℕ𝔻 𝕋ℍ𝕀𝕊 𝔸𝔾𝕆ℕ𝕐
																			
		ℙ𝔸𝕀ℕ
						𝔽𝕌𝕃 𝕄𝔼𝕄𝕆ℝ𝕀𝔼𝕊
 

I lay on the grass, sobbing into my own sweater.

---

Comments

[redmar]

I think that labyrinth and the trapdoor are inside Moondancer's head. She is starting to succumb to the effects of her isolation which leads to these hallucinations.