2023)

December 11, 2020

Hayburger

“I’m glad you invited me out today, Dash,” Jack mumbled as he chewed his burger.” “It’s been a while since we hung out.”

“You can say that again,” Rainbow Dash chuckled.

“So, where too next?” Jack asked having swallowed his food.

“I was thinking we see which of us is a better fighter,” Rainbow Dash challenged. “Unless you’re too chicken!”

“Oh, you’re on,” Jack agreed. “Name the place!”

“The park in 3 hours!” Rainbow Dash declared. “I want the whole town to see me win!”

“Cocky,” Jack noted. “We’ll see how long that lasts.

“Excuse me!”

Jack and Rainbow Dash turned around to see Applejack staring at them.

“Ah couldn’t help but overhear the two of ya,” Applejack said. “Ah knows ya want tuh compete an’ all, but perhaps I could offer a different arena?”

“We’re listening,” Jack said.

Sweet Apple Acres: Barn

“With taxes down so much Big Mac an’ Ah thought It’d be a good time tuh make sum upgrades around the farm,” Applejack explained. “At first we were gonna have the barn professionally redone, but Big Mac thought it’d be more cost-effective tuh tare the whole thing down. That’s where the two of ya come in.”

“You want us to do your chores for you?” Rainbow Dash asked, unimpressed.

“Well, yes, but Ah thought ya could make a game out of it,” Applejack admitted.

“Can we use any method we want?” Jack asked.

“So long as the Barn’s torn down at the end of it, yes,” Applejack answered.

“Perfect,” Jack agreed.

Jack and Rainbow Dash hadn’t taken long to set up a competition. In only an hour Applejack, Jack, and Big Macintosh had dug a trench a hundred or so yards from the barn. The Apples were to use the trench to act as judges. In that time Rainbow Dash had painted a yellow line dividing the barn in half.

“The rules are simple!” Apple Bloom announced. “Each competitor will wreck one-half of the barn. A panel of four judges will grade the destruction on a scale of one to ten for speed, efficiency, and style. Please understand that any destruction to yer opponent’s side of the barn will mean ten points off yer final score. We will decide who goes first via coin toss!”

Applejack tossed a 1-bit coin in the air. “Heads Jack and tails Rainbow Dash!” She tossed the gold coin in the air, and it landed on the ground after a few flips. “Looks like heads!”

“Oh, that sucks for you, Dash!” Jack taunted, cracking his knuckles. “I won’t make this an easy act to follow!”

“Oh yeah?!” Rainbow Dash challenged. “Why don’t you put your bits where your mouth is?!”

“Heh,” Jack chuckled snapping on his safety goggles. “As you wish!” He held his palm open facing the barn, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. His half of the barn glowed emerald. Slowly and neatly each board was plucked from the barn before floating into a pile by the road. “There’s no need for a mess,” Jack smugly chided. “A professional keeps recycling in mind.”

“And now the judges will give us their scores!” Applejack announced.

The Apple Family held up their scorecards. Apple Bloom 10, Granny Smith 5, Big Macintosh 8, Applejack 9.

“Rookie Numbers!” Rainbow Dash taunted. “You didn’t even need those goggles!”

“A professional always keeps safety in mind,” Jack countered. “Let’s see you do better!”

“Be careful what you wish for!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed taking to the sky.

Jack smirked as he watched Rainbow Dash flying around the barn using pure momentum to kick the walls and support beams down bit by bit. “I win.”

“Rainbow Dash stop!”

Jack looked on bemusedly as Twilight Sparkle stopped Rainbow in her tracks with a telekinetic hold on her tail.

“Listen, Rainbow,” Twilight began her lecture. “I know you're upset with Applejack, but don't worry. Whatever it is that has come between you two, I'm sure that I, as a good friend, can help you resolve your problems.”

“Uh, what are you talking about?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Oh, Rainbow Dash, you don't have to hide your feelings from me!” Twilight said smugly. “I can tell you two must've had a terrible fight.”

Jack and Applejack exchanged confused glances as Twilight sat Rainbow Dash on a bench and pulled out a notepad.

“Now, why don't you tell me all about your issues with Applejack,” Twilight requested.

“I don't have any issues with Applejack,” Rainbow Dash explained.

“You don't?” Twilight asked confusedly. “Then why are you destroying her property?”

“Because she asked me to,” Rainbow Dash explained. “Right, Applejack?”

“Yes, ma'am,” Applejack confirmed. “Ah wanted tuh put up a new barn, but this ones gotta come down first. Hehe. Now get back to it, R.D.”

“You got it, boss!” Rainbow Dash explained, taking to the sky.

“I'd take cover if I were you,” Applejack cautioned.

Twilight yelped and did as instructed as Rainbow Dash dove full speed toward the remains of the barn pulverizing it in a rainbow-colored mushroom cloud.

“It’s like they decided to celebrate pride month at the Nevada Test Site,” Jack thought to himself.

Having recovered from the sudden shock, Twilight sighed in defeat as she walked away.

“What was that all about?” Jack asked.

“Tuh Tartarus if Ah, know,” Applejack chuckled.

“What’s my score?!” Rainbow Dash called.

“Ah give it a four,” Applejack answered. “What about Y’all?”

“Three!” Apple Bloom answered.

“Six,” Big Mac answered.

“Eight!” Granny Smith called.

“What?!” Rainbow Dash cried in dismay. “How did I lose with an explosion that big?!”

“Because ya made a huge mess we’re gonna have to clean up later,” Applejack scolded.

“That bein’ said yers was more stylish,” Granny Smith said.

“I demand a recount!” Rainbow Dash protested.

“No one likes a sore loser, Dash,” Jack chided. “Hey Bloom, wanna find Scoots and Sweets and go crusading?”

“Of course!” Apple Bloom beamed.

Ponyville Park

After a few hours of Crusading, the CMCs gave up and opted to look for something else to do.

“Too bad park management didn’t work out,” Scootaloo sighed.

“Speak for yourself,” Jack said. “I could see myself as a ranger. Honestly, I still don’t get why you ponies are so obsessed with these Cutie Marks. Humans don’t get them, and I’d say we’re better off for it.” Truthfully that was the career path he’d been aiming for before coming to Equestria, but he couldn’t exactly explain that to the Crusaders lest they catch on to the last bit of sensitive information about himself he’d managed to keep from them.

“You just don’t get it,” Sweetie Belle sighed.

“Well, what should we do now, guys?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Beach balls!” Shouted a pony. “Get your beach balls here. Nice sunny day out! Why not spend it passing a ball back and forth between your friends?!”

“Bit chilly for beach ball,” Jack muttered. “Eh what the heck,” he shrugged. “I’ll take one!”

Soon the Crusaders had a lively game of beach ball going.

“Heads up Scoots!” Jack exclaimed, leaping in the air and spiking it at the young filly. Secretly he’d been trying to make use of plant matter within the plastic to guide the ball where he wanted but he hadn’t had much success on that front.

“I got it!” Scootaloo shouted. Her attempt to headbutt the ball like a soccer goalie fell short and the ball only moved a few feet before settling in the grass.

Again, Jack attempted to manipulate the plastic with his magic. To his surprise the bull bursts in a violet explosion. For a split-second, Jack thought he’d tapped into the long-dead phytoplankton within the petroleum product, but to his horror where the beach ball once sat now stood a disheveled Twilight staring at them like an escaped mental patient.

“Hiiiiiii, guys!” Twilight said, twitching her eyes a few times.

“Oh, hi, Twilight,” Apple Bloom greeted. “How's it go…?”

“Gr-eat. Just great,” Twilight interrupted, a bead of sweat crawling down her face as her eyes twitched menacingly. “You three look like you're doing great too!” she exclaimed slowly approaching the Crusaders as they backed away from her. “Looks like four good friends who obviously don't need the help of another good friend,” she held up a raggedy doll and passed it over to them with her magic. “This is Smarty Pants. She was mine when I was your age, and now I want to give her to you!”

“Uhh... she's... great?” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah. Great,” Apple Bloom agreed halfheartedly.

“I really... like her... mane?” Sweetie Belle tried to compliment.

“Twi, this is a piece of garbage,” Jack said reaching for his knife. “What the Hell is going on here?”

“SHE IS NOT!” Twilight cried. “She even comes with her own notebook and quill, for when you want to pretend she's doing her homework!”

“Twi, you’re scaring me,” Jack said raising his knife in a fighting stance.

Sweat poured down Twilight’s face as she stared at Jack like a cornered animal. “Ooh, you're going to like Smarty Pants. And you're going to like her more than anything!” her horn flashed violet.

Jack braced for an attack but was confused when nothing hit him. “What did you do?” he asked.

Scootaloo gasped. “I want it!”

“I need it!” Apple Bloom said.

“I really like her mane!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

“What the?!” Jack reeled around to see the doll had become immensely more attractive to him.

“Careful!” Emerald Jack cautioned. “I’m sensing strong chaos readings from that doll!”

Resisting the urge to pounce on the doll Jack reached into his pocket and lit a joint. Inhaling a lungful of Marry Jane gave him the clarity to see the doll for what it was.

Unfortunately, the girls were already fighting over the doll and had descended into a ball of violence.

“The 'want it, need it' spell. Works every time,” Twilight bragged.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!” Jack roared, planting his fist firmly into her muzzle.

“Ow!!!!!” Twilight cried snapping out of her insanity. “What was that for?”

“What the fuck was this for?!!!” Jack countered pointing to the girls fighting over the doll.

“I-I just needed something to report to Presid….”

“FIX IT!!!!!!!” Jack howled.

“O-ok,” Twilight whimpered her horn glowing lavender. “Uh, slight problem with that… I don’t know how.”

Jack looked like he was about to explode as he brought the joint back to his mouth and took a deep breath. “Then I guess we’ll have to take it from them.”

“Uh just one problem with that,” Twilight pointed behind Jack. “It looks like everypony in the park is after it now.”

Indeed, no less than twenty ponies were now fighting over the doll leaving Jack and Twilight with no option but to make chase. Soon they found themselves face-to-face with the rest of the Mane Six who were very much confused.

“Don't look at it!” Twilight cautioned diverting Rainbow Dashe’s eyes from the doll.

“Don’t look at what?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“My Smarty Pants doll!” Twilight answered. “I enchanted her and now everypony is fighting over her!”

“Why would you enchant your doll?” Fluttershy asked.

“Oh, I had to do something!” Twilight weaseled. “I had nothing to report to Princess Celestia! I thought if I couldn't find a problem, I'd make a problem! The day is almost over!”

“That’s what this was about!” Jack exclaimed his eyes flickering between blue and jade. “Are you fucking kidding me!” His eyes shot solid Jade and he shot a beam toward Twilight.

“EEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOUUUUGH!” howled Celestia who’d teleported between them and blocked the beam.

This snapped Jack out of it just long enough for him to light another joint and suppress Jade Jack back into the depths of his subconscious.

“Meet me in the library, Twilight,” Celestia ordered firmly. “Jack, stay right where you are. Luna will be here shortly.”

Jack had plenty of time to dwell on what had happened. No matter how bad what Twilight did was, he still had no good reason to attack like that. He’d be sent to the dungeon for sure and with Jade Jack rising to the surface again it might be for the best. After half an hour when it was good and dark, Luna finally arrived and ushered him into her chariot.

Author's Note:

Sorry this took so long. I've been pretty busy lately. A bunch of stuff I didn't take care of when I moved is coming back to bite me. I didn't update my vehicle registration until a few weeks ago and found out that in order to get my new license plate and vehicle tags I need to get a Georgia insurance policy. I finally changed my insurance but haven't had a chance to go and get my new plate and tags despite the fact my current tag expired in January. I didn't update my address with the post office or IRS either and now my previous employer sent my W2 to my old address and I can't get it forwarded. I'm in the process of struggling with my old employer to get a new copy sent to my current address and I will need to send a form into the IRS to make sure my return gets sent to the correct address. Adulting is a pain.
Next Time: As Jack learns what Luna has planned, the Elements of Chaos discuss plans for their next move.

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