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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A possible bad ending retconned.
Our protagonist just really wants to help others. At least "angry man" turned out to be not a threat to her.
What does the "horse person" know about the Ponies? What will the job be? Is our protagonist going to learn more magic from them, or while doing said job?
We'll have to wait until November 6 to fall back into this story.
That possible bad-ending came out of nowhere. I don't really think there were any hints that could've warned for that.
Maybe Mr. Knife-to-meet-you was a warning but there was no reason to trust him or interact with him at all.
I'm just not a fan of that first section. I think it'd've worked better if there was some kind of decision point or chapter before that where our character spent some time looking at places online to go interview at.
It just feels entirely out of place, like a DM trying to railroad the players.
Don't get me wrong, the rest of the chapter is good, I'm just put off by the initial surprise of "Oh you died! but not really!"
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This is the World of Darkness. "You" are a naive and hopeful soul that wants to make it a better place.
There are worse fates, but this was a reminder of the sort of world we exist in. In character, it never happened, just an almost that listening to our hunch let us avoid. But yeah, the decision was to go get a job while still having only half a clue to our name.
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I always get nervous when I voice a criticism or something that isn't 100% positive praise so this might be a little rambly but I'm gonna try to list all the reasons I'm not a fan of how that chapter begins in a way that isn't too meandering.
So like, I get it's a dark and dangerous world where you always have to watch your step considering the story begins with a vampire hitsquad trying to kill our cast of characters. I even think that whatever dark route was retconned away mid-chapter could've worked if it wasn't suddenly just poofed away.
I think the thing that gets me so upset is the retcon itself and not the potential fate worse than death that maybe our character would've needed to be rescued from by Knife-to-meet-you or Nick.
The thing you retconned it to also would've worked really well: a sudden feeling of badness that our character cautiously listens to and gets the warning just in the nick of time from our chimera friend and Knife-to-meet-you fits just as much as the dark path at the beginning.
But getting the reader invested and worried for our character "Oh no, oh no oh no, she's being kidnapped or worse oh jeeze what's going to happen is she alright? Will someone save her or will we need to find a way out? Can Sundown go call for help or will we have to find a way with what little magic training we have?" and then slapping the reader with "Oh none of that mattered and all your worry was for nothing, here's the real chapter" doesn't sit right. It makes both routes unsatisfying because you're left with the unresolved feelings of worry from that first half that then linger through the rest of the reading.
As for the retcon serving as a reminder, I think the reminder is served better by the real chapter. Having our character listen to her gut and then get the warning from Sundown, as well as the angry lecture from Knife-to-meet-you, is a better reminder all around because it doesn't need to break the flow of the story and you can keep reading like "Oh, wow. Glad we avoided whatever was in there." So having that reminder already served by the real chapter robs that first section and retcon of their purpose and makes it even more frustrating to have read because you worried for the character when the worry was pointless.