IGOR

by mellon collie

PUPPET

Author's Note:

this chapter deals heavily with suicide. if you are uncomfortable with this topic, i would suggest not reading this chapter.

depression sucks.
this chapter is heavily based on things that i've been through, and the thoughts that went through my head before my attempt 2 years ago, as well as things that i think on a daily basis.
i was in a very bad headspace when i wrote the majority of this chapter. i'd like to think i'm better now, and definitely better than i was in the past.
sometimes things seem like they'll never get better, but you're just gonna have to wait. life isn't easy, but sometimes lifes a bitch and you keep on living, y'know?
there are good days and bad days, but the fact that there are days at all is a miracle.

"i can't maneuver without you next to me, it's so complex to me"

things will get better.

that's what everyone always says. things may be bad now, but things will get better. you're going through a rough spot, but things will get better. you may feel like you're on the brink of collapse from your emotional exhaustion, but things will get better.

it's all bullshit, really. something that people tell you so that you can bottle up your emotions even further and stop bothering them. people don't really care about your problems. they don't care about you. they just care about making themselves feel good, so they'll give you worthless advice and walk away feeling like they did something. all they did was make things worse.

therapy didn't work. no matter how many times fluttershy almost reached the brass ring, it was pulled away from her through another devastating event that brought her back to square one. the void that sat in her chest would begin to fill, but eventually it would become wider than ever. every single time. it was a never-ending cycle.

except there was a way to end it. she knew that.

it crossed her mind occasionally, sometimes solitary thoughts that were discarded as soon as they appeared, other times plans that had been formed and dates that had been selected. none of them ever came to fruition, though. she would always back out at the last minute. of course she would. she was never able to do anything for herself.

when you get to a certain point, every day starts to feel the exact same. you can't distinguish your emotions because you no longer feel any recognizable emotions. you grow too tired to do anything but lay in bed and agonize over the idea of having to go through another day.

the void in fluttershy's chest was always accompanied by a pit in her stomach, creating a black hole inside of her that sucked away all but her weaknesses. sometimes it felt like it had taken everything away from her, but then she'd feel a searing pain in her head, or the last remnants of her heart breaking into even tinier pieces, and she'd remember that she was still alive.

could she even be classified as alive? sure, she was constantly breathing, so she technically was, but she felt so disconnected from her body that sometimes she wouldn't even register what was happening around her. those moments, those breaks from the crushing reality that she lived in, were the only moments where fluttershy felt like she was truly living.

but she was just fine, wasn't she? the times where she actually felt comfortable in her own skin proved that, didn't they? obviously she was just spewing lies for attention, trying to get every ounce of pity she could out of the people she knew. that was what she did every single time, always playing herself up to be a stupid little foal that needed protection from the world. she was just using those around her for her own amusement.

that was what the voice in her head, the crackling, static-like voice that brought all of her darkest thoughts forward. the voice that told her she wasn't good enough, that her friends didn't care for her, that she was a worthless piece of shit who should have done it the first time she had the chance.

but she didn't. because she was scared. she was too scared of the finality of it all. if she went through with it, that would be the definitive end. but things would get better, right? like everyone always told her? at the time she was foolish enough to believe them.

there were so many things wrong with fluttershy that she didn't know where to start. the self-hatred was something she had come to accept as just another part of her life.

her life was aimless outside of the adventures she occasionally went on . sure, she took care of animals, but there were countless other ponies who did it miles better than her. she was just chosen because of proximity, because some animals couldn't risk traveling far to get an actually competent pony to treat them.

she was useless, only an active blight to those around her. she did nothing but hide away from everything and cry when things went wrong. she did nothing to help her friends when they needed her. all she was was dead weight.

she was a waste of air that didn't deserve to breathe. she didn't do anything but hurt the people who cared for her, the people who had to be burdened with her presence whenever she felt like getting out of the house. she could tell that her friends had grown to despise her. the looks they gave her when they didn't have their plastic smiles on told her that.

there were so many times where she had unintentionally hurt someone by saying the wrong thing, or doing something that only benefitted her, or otherwise something awful. every tear-stained face she was met with made her feel like her head was being smashed into the curb of a grimey sidewalk. someone doing that to her would be justified.

no matter how hard she tried, she would never be enough for anyone, or even herself. she was less than a pony, a horrible misrepresentation of what it meant to be good.

an overpowering feeling of anxiety, disguised as a dull throbbing in her head that never went away, filled her at every waking moments. at times it got so bad that she couldn't breathe, like a vice had wrapped around her throat and refused to let go until the life left her eyes. it wouldn't have to wait long, then.

the depression was worse. that sense of dread whenever she so much as breathed, the pit in her stomach falling deeper until she was immobile, the hollow feeling in her chest that made it impossible to feel comfortable. it was all so overwhelming, reducing her to a mess on the floor that was slowly withering away.

sometimes she would release the building emotions through something tranquil like meditating, letting her misery turn into a solitary leaf floating in the wind. other times it would come crashing out, a tidal wave that destroyed everything in it's path. there were days where she would wake up to find that she had unconsciously destroyed her house during an episode. at least cleaning the mess up gave her something to distract herself with.

one of the most frustrating parts was that there were points where she was truly getting better. it had started when her friend group had added a sixth member and they became as close as friends could be, and slowly but surely she was overcoming her depression.

good things don't last, especially not things that are good in the long run.

time and time again, fluttershy would fall back into the same pits that she had spent years crawling out of. it felt like a cosmic game was being played with her life, and the powers that be were taking great pleasure in her pain. she only moved backwards, it felt like.

her friends were always there to pick her up, though. they had been constantly supporting her, but were they really helping her? in short bursts, yes, but their solutions were always temporary at best. the pills had stopped working forever ago, and she only went to therapy for a year before giving up on it. they gave emotional support as well, but did she deserve it? did she deserve anything?

of course, she knew the answer to that.

as the days went on, becoming nothing more than disordered fragments in her mind, she began to lose hope in herself. everytime she would hurt someone she loved it would wear her down just a little bit more until there was nothing left. she was a husk of a pony, barely scraping by.

there was a constant buzzing in her ear, a constant knot tied around her lungs. it would become harder to breathe, but whenever that sweet release was just around the corner she would be filled with air once more. then it would repeat.

some days she felt nothing. not like she was trapped in a white void, floating in an empty space that went on infinitely, but a complete lack of feelings, physical or emotional. she was like a ghost, forever doomed to traverse this planet without ever truly being there.

it wasn't always bad, though. there were good things in fluttershy's life, definitely. she had the most amazing friends possible, even if she sometimes doubted how much they truly cared for her. it wasn't always smooth sailings, but her group of friends was better than her wildest dreams.

the best days of her life were the ones where she could just relax with her friends and relish in the fact that she was wanted. she could forget about the world for a few hours and surround herself with the people she loved. those were the days where she was happy to be alive.

rainbow dash had been her best friend for so long. the two had been close since they were fillies, and they had been inseperable for years afterwards. rainbow had helped her come out of her shell, helped her grow so much, and fluttershy loved her for that.

rarity was the most empathetic person she knew. she would always be the first person to check up on her, the first person to reach out if the pegasus needed somepony to help her, and fluttershy loved her for that.

pinkie pie always knew how to put a smile on her face. whenever she was down, which happened quite a bit, pinkie was there to try and cheer her up, and even if it didn't work everytime, fluttershy loved her for that.

applejack made her strive to be better. made her strive to be stronger, more assertive, more honest to herself. she was always someone she could depend on when she needed advice, and fluttershy loved her for that.

twilight had brought so much change in her life, destroying the previous monotony of her day to day. the princess had taught her just how important friendship was and how much it could truly help her, and fluttershy loved her for that.

discord showed her just how much people could grow if they really wanted to. he had become such a wonderful person after so long of hurting others. he cared for her more than anything in the world, even creating chaos, and fluttershy loved him for that.

there were other people that she loved too. her family, spike, starlight, the princesses, her students, her animals, everybody she had become close to over all the years she had been alive.

but she didn't love herself, so did it really matter?

no, it didn't.

it didn't matter, because the bad outweighed the good. the days where she was disgusted with her body, willing to tear off her fur just to feel the pain she deserved to feel, outweighed the days where she felt content. the days where she thought about ending it all outweighed the days where she thought about the light at the end of the tunnel.

if there ever was a light, it had gone out years ago.

was she ever really happy to begin with? there was a clear cut difference between happiness and nothingness, and the former got further from reach with each passing day. maybe she was a joyful kid, but her foalhood was nothing but quick flashes and horrific affairs in her memories, the rest of it torn clean from her mind.

there were only some positive snapshots that bounced around in her muddled head, otherwise only showing her the most painful moments the majority of the time. it was so stupid, to cling onto shitty things from twenty years prior. she always thought she had gotten over everything that happened in her past, but as soon as one event left her head, another returned, forcing her to relive the worst of her life time and time again.

fluttershy was tired. she was so fucking tired. any trace of motivation her bled out along with whatever other hope she may have once had. there was nothing left to look forward to in the torturous cycle her life had become. she just wanted to lay down and fade away, turning to filth that would be swept away by the breeze. the same feelings kept beating her down every day until she had finally decided that she was done. done giving herself second chances, done trying to make things better, just done with the world.

she had decided that just a few days earlier. in preparation, she had given her animals away to the sweet feather sanctuary, hiring a few extra hooves to take care of the influx. tearful goodbyes were given, but none hit as hard as angel. even if he wasn't always the nicest, he truly did care for her, and she cared deeply for him as well. she almost didn't let him leave, but she'd rather have spared him from seeing what she was going to do.

she told her friends that she was going to visit her family, and naturally a going away party was thrown for her. it was the typical pinkie pie party, overblown with confetti and trays upon trays of food, loud music splitting fluttershy's head straight down the middle.

she stood against a wall, nursing an empty cup in her hooves as she tried her hardest to shrink away into nothing.

"fluttershy, are you alright?" somepony asked. she didn't care who.

"i'm f— fine. just a bit tired," came the automated reply. she had repeated those words more times than she had smiled, she bet.

"are you sure?"

"yes."

"well, if you say so. i hope you feel better soon."

the pony walked off, leaving fluttershy in solitude. of course, the last time anyone had the chance to throw her a lifebuoy, to save her from the ocean that was devouring her, they didn't. maybe if they'd reached out, she could've grabbed onto their hoof and gotten the help she so desperately needed.

the tears came before she realized it. she hadn't felt the burning in her eyes, or noticed her vision getting blurry. only when the first tear drop landed in the plastic cup did she grasp what was happening.

another voice spoke, hushed by the ringing that was now running through her ears. the music was muffled now as well. everything seemed to darken, the flashing multi-colored lights gone to reveal the drabness of the room.

"are y'alright? you're... you're cryin'."

"i'm fine." she didn't even have to think before she spoke, the words coming out like second nature.

"you don't look fine," came a third voice.

"i— i said i'm fine." she grinded her teeth together, trying as hard as she could to calm down before she blew up at her friends. they were just trying to help, even if by this point it was futile. "i think i just..." a shuddered sigh. sagged shoulders. drooped ears. "...need s— some—" whimpering, pitiful whimpering that made her sound like a damaged foal lost in the rain. "some time alone."

"whatever you need."

"talk to us, alright? we're always—"

"—here for me. i kn— know. thank you. and— and i'm sorry. for..." she wiped her eyes and sniffled. "all of this."

"don't worry about it, fluttershy. get some rest, alright?"

"alright. i'll see you girls t— tomorrow."

after the goodbyes were exchanged, she left. that was the last time she was ever going to interact with any of her friends, or anybody for that matter. apologizing for fucking up once again, ruining everyone's fun just like always. it was fitting, really.

when fluttershy awoke the next morning, she only just found the strength to get out of her bed. she knew that if she didn't, she would fail to do what she had been wanting to do for so long.

as she walked, her limbs ached. it felt like there were chains tied around each and every one, pulling her further down the more she moved. she gazed at her body, the lack of skin on her, the way her ribs stuck out and were visible from the outside, the sickly sticks she called her legs. she was disgusting.

she didn't dare look at her face through any of the reflective surfaces. she hadn't had the willpower to look in a mirror for longer than an instant in months.

she retrieved everything she needed and entered the living room, setting the items on the table. a glass of water, and a bottle of her antidepressants. the pills were as white as the afterlife that was soon to greet her, she grimly noted.

she unscrewed the lid of the bottle and tossed it aside, before throwing the bottle back, the pills pouring into her mouth. the bitter taste hit her instantly, and she used all of her remaining strength to not throw up. it felt like there was acid running down her throat, dissolving her skin from inside. she downed the water to the best of her abilities to try and ease the pain.

sweat began to pour down her face, the heat in her body feeling like a fire that had been set inside her. she tried to wipe away some of the perspiration, but her foreleg only moved a few feet before falling numb, shaking spastically in her lap. she bit the inside of her cheek as the acrid taste of the pills returned in full force.

her breathing started out slow and labored, but as her heart began to drum faster and faster in her chest, her breaths became shallow. unease set in as she glanced around, the objects of her house blurring together into one shapeless form. edges became undefined and all color drained away, only a lifeless grey left.

as fluttershy stared, something begin to clear out in the fog. five shapes appeared in the distance, each a different color. she tried to reach out to them, but her body was too overcome with tremors to move. the shapes, the only source of chromaticity, stood unmoving.

bile ran down her chin and onto her stomach, combined with lumps of crushed up pills to create the smell of rotting flesh.

a bright white light appeared in the corner of the room. her eyes fixated on it as all sounds began to escape her, nothing but ear-piercing silence resonating. the light began to come closer, overtaking the room like it was a book closing in on itself.

she couldn't tell if she was breathing anymore. the shaking of her body had subsided as she fixated on the light coming ever nearer. it swallowed up each object in her field of view, dissolving them into flashing rays.

she stared into the void. the void stared back.

the shapes disappeared one by one, fading into nothingness. when the last one vanished, the light welcomed her, outstretching a hoof for her to take. fluttershy reached out and grabbed it.

then all was white.

---

rarity marched with purpose. the party the night previous had been a disaster, and something was wrong with fluttershy.

sure, the pegasus had her fair share of emotional outbursts, but she had never acted like that. it was clear that things weren't going well for her. whenever she was upset, she was always willing to accept the help her friends gave her, or at least willing to talk about her problems.

it had to be something serious.

when rarity arrived at the cottage, she immediately noticed the lack of animals outside. it was completely desolate, nothing but chunks of splintered bird houses laying in the grass to remind that there was once activity there.

that was a giant warning sign. there were always birds flittering around, or bunnies hopping about, or something. she glanced up at the cottage. cobwebs hung from every surface, though no spiders rested on them. the leaves on the roof had dulled from a vivid mix of lime and emerald to a pale, sickly green that looked more grey than anything else. most of the leaves sitting there were dead.

a shiver passed through rarity as she took an apprehensive step forward. this was easily the worst state that she had seen the home in. there was always less care put to it whenever fluttershy was doing particularly bad mentally, but it had never gotten this unruly.

she was used to comforting fluttershy, of course. her shoulder was one that the pegasus could always cry on, no matter how severe the situation. but there was an odd feeling in her chest, one that permeated the closer she got to the door.

half of her was saying to walk away, to turn around and leave her worries behind. she was just jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst without any solid evidence. fluttershy had probably left to go visit her family in cloudsdale already.

but she had said she was only leaving in the afternoon. it was still morning.

the trepidation returned, hitting rarity harder this time. she had to act now. her hoof lifted and she knocked on the door.

no response.

undeterred, she knocked again.

nothing.

"fluttershy?" three more knocks, louder and quicker this time.

she could hear her own heartbeat.

"are you home?" she asked between two sets of knocks.

if she was, she wasn't making it known.

the two options presented themselves again; leave with the assumption that fluttershy was already gone, or continue trying to reach her if she wasn't.

the images that were conjured up in her mind made her lean towards the latter very quickly.

"i think it would be nice if you answered. i really want to talk to you." more knocking, slightly slower now.

silence was the only response she recieved.

"fluttershy.."

one knock.

"i-"

her hoof slipped, causing her to fall forward into the door. it slowly swung open, revealing the scene inside.

the smell of vomit permeated through the stifling air. an unconscious fluttershy lay in a puddle of it, her mouth opening and closing erratically as she babbled nonsense. her chest was barely rising and falling, long seconds passing between each breath. whenever she exhaled, a choked sound escaped her, like she was unable to properly to do it properly.

rarity screamed.

panic set in as she rushed over to the limp fluttershy. she grabbed the pegasus and did her best to pick her up. after a few false starts, she hauled fluttershy up onto her back. her breaths came out quick and shallow as her mind was filled with a million different terrifying thoughts.

"alright... alright..." rarity muttered to herself, trying as hard as she could to stop the hammering in her chest. "everything is going to be ok. i just have to—" a hacking cough from behind her rang out. "—get to the hospital!" she galloped out the door as fast as her hooves could take her.

then all was white.

---

Fluttershy's mind always went back to that day. It always found its way back there, even if she couldn't remember what had happened 10 minutes earlier in the present day.

After every fight, every hurtful word and shed tear, she saw the expression Rarity held in the hospital. Concern, relief, sadness, fear. All melded together into one face that was permanently etched into her mind.

She owed everything to Rarity. She wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for the unicorn. That fact terrified her to the core.

Fluttershy could never repay Rarity for what she'd done, but she could try. The pain just came with the promise she had made so long ago.

"I'll love you forever. No matter what."

She repeated those words before swallowing a pill, followed by a gulp of water to wash it down.