The Alicorn Problems

by TheTimeSword

Problem 5: Pinkie's Princess Problem

A scream erupted from Pinkie's throat as she fell hundreds of meters out of the sky, only for it to turn to laughter as she neared the earth below. In an instant, she spread her wings wide and curved upward, avoiding the ground with ease. "Now I get why Rainbow Dash flies all the time!" she said with a giggle and a snort. Her pink hair jostled in the wind, playing with her curls. With a flap of her wings, she rose into the air again to repeat the process. It mimicked being shot out of a cannon, and she wondered if such a stunt had ever been done by the Wonderbolts. Surely they could spice up their shows with a little party action—she would have to ask Rainbow Dash to see if her captain would take ideas.

Of course, Rainbow Dash was pretty far away now. "I wonder how the others are doing." Pinkie stared down at the ground passing by. Everything in the world could be appreciated from this height. The trees, the rocks, the rivers, and the plains. She had already made her way over the mountains and through the woods to the rocky, almost barren fields she'd known as a foal.

Past a small creek—smaller now by how tiny everything looked from so high up—and the outskirts of the rock farm weren't too far off. When she could see her family home, she performed another dive, relaxing her wings and letting herself free fall. With only a few meters between her and plunging straight through the thatched roof, Pinkie did a twirl, extending her wings, and blasting herself back up. With grace, she landed delicately atop the chimney, only for her to slip off a pebble and tumble onto the ground.

"Why's landing always the toughest part?" she asked aloud as she picked herself up. While dusting herself off, she could see Holder's Boulder, a giant rock standing proud in the distance. "What's up Holder!" Pinkie screamed, waving at the stoic boulder. "Didn't get any wings or horn? There's always next time!" As she turned to go inside her home, she found the door cracked open. "Anybody home?" she asked, before turning back to Holder's Boulder. "Some guard rock you are. Didn't even close the door for them!"

Upon entering, Pinkie discovered the home to be devoid of life. The table had been cleared from breaking their fast, though a few cloth napkins still remained near father's seat. "Hello? Anypony know where I can get a rock pie? Extra geodes?" she yelled, making her way to the bedrooms before returning to the entrance. "Oh, I get it! You all have taken up throwing surprise parties! Well, consider this Pie thoroughly surprised!" She waited a long moment before letting out a groan of frustration. "Where is everyone!?"

Outside, Pinkie trailed off to the only place she could think her family would've gone. "I thought becoming alicorns would've tempted them to go off somewhere but I know better." The quarry wasn't a far jog from the home, and nothing appeared out of the ordinary for the rock farm. "I wonder if they'll start using their horns to help with the work? Knowing Maud, she'd only use it to carry cute little Boulder around."

The noise from the quarry cut Pinkie's musing short. Voices echoed up and turned to shouts the closer she came. As she reached the edge of the quarry, she saw her parents on a lower level, also looking down at the three dead center of the quarry. Maud and Limestone screamed at each other—or at least, Limestone yelled and Maud disagreed in her usual monotonous voice. But one thing rang true, from her parents to her sisters, they all were alicorns. The change had extended all across the world. That would've sent Pinkie blazing into the sky with delight—usually. But with a fight between siblings, there was little reason to be excited.

"Pie on Pie arguing? They should be happy, it's a merry time!" Pinkie exclaimed, simpering at the sight of the two. Before she could fly down and put an end to it, her parents turned their glares up at her. "Yuh oh."

"Pinkamena Diane Pie," her mother said in a calm, flat voice. To anyone else, the tone she used would've been nothing to strike fear, but Pinkie knew that voice.

Pinkie gulped as she wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hoof. Gliding down, Pinkie reached her parents and then lowered her head. "Hey, mom, dad. You, uh, left the door open."

Their stares were like picks cutting into ice, cold as their tones. "You have some explaining to do," her father said as he pointed to the wings on his back. Her mother pointed to the horn on her head. "We know you're the one who did this. You and your friends."

"Me!? But it wasn't my fault!" Pinkie claimed, falling on her belly, groveling at their hooves. "Honest! I was there trying to stop this!" Why was she cowering? Why was she having to feel bad for this? Wasn't it a good thing that everyone could fly and cast magic? The happenings of the Crystal Empire would be solved by Twilight lickty-split. Everypony should be happy! "But flying is pretty cool, right? Have you tried it?" She tried to smile, but she knew it only came off fake.

Both her parents turned back to the quarry, looking down at the two sisters bitterly arguing. "Yes, dear, it's quite exhilarating," her mother replied. Most would've thought her sarcastic, but Pinkie could tell the difference. It was as close to happy as her mom would sound.

"Unfortunately," her father interceded, "it's caused an issue." Lifting a hoof, he pointed it to the three. "And you will deal with it." Her mother nodded in agreement.

"That's all?" Pinkie rose, then trotted to the edge. "I'm not in trouble?" They both turned their gaze to her, eyebrows raised questioningly. "So long as I stop their fighting—I get it. Don't worry mom and pop! Nopony gets to have a bad day when Pinkie's on her way." She leapt from the edge of the cliff and glided down with ease. Stopping became problematic. She tucked and rolled, landing between the mares on her back. "Hiya girls!"

"Pinkie," Maud and Limestone said in unison—Marble might have mumbled something too.

Pinkie looked up at the faces of her sisters, each one not holding a special smile. "Why are my three wonderful sisters not having the time of their lives flying and shooting super duper awesome laser beams from their skulls?"

"Because we don't know any laser spells?" Limestone uncritically answered.

"No, silly!" Pinkie rose to her hooves and pulled Maud and Limestone to her face using her wings. "It's because you're shouting at each other angrily."

"I'm not angry, I'm right," Maud replied first.

"I'm not angry, I'm furious!" Limestone shouted, blowing some of the feathers off Pinkie's wing. She struggled to remove her head from Pinkie's grip. Prior to the change, Pinkie wouldn't have had such a problem with holding onto both mares. Now, however, two horns were pressing against her temples, and Limestone's struggling would only end with a scar. "I'm the oldest, so I'm the one in charge!"

Without wanting injury, Pinkie reluctantly let them both go. "You two have gotten me in trouble with mom and dad, so you two are going to get me out of it." She eyed them both, sending the sharpest glare at each of them. "Now tell me why both my older, more experienced sisters are the two screaming at each other." Maud's eyes met Pinkie's with a subtle stare. "You know what I mean, Maud."

"Limestone says she is the Princess of Sedimentary," Maud answered, and then turned her gaze to the mare in question. Limestone gave a smug smile and a tight nod. "But she's not. I am."

The smugness on Limestone's face flashed back into anger like water poured onto a grease fire. "Pinkie!" she growled, not bothering with Maud. "Marble refuses to be the deciding factor. That means it has to be you!" With a huff to match Rarity, she stomped her hoof. "Who is the rightful princess? Me, who knows all about the sedimentary, or Maud?"

"That's Doctor Maud Pie to you," Maud argued, her tone unchanged. "No," she interrupted Pinkie. "Princess of Sedimentary, Doctor Maud Pie." The slight curl of her lips could've counted as a smile.

Limestone let out a litany of disgruntled groans. "To think I missed you after you moved to Ponyville!" She glared down her nose back at Pinkie. "Well? You going to choose the snooty too-good-for-the-rock-farm doctor, or your lovable, cheerful eldest sister!?" Limestone described herself in a more angry voice than the one she'd used for Maud.

"Well, Limestone, I also moved to Pony—" Pinkie started to say, only to be stopped by the big, bulging eyes popping out of Limestone's skull. "I mean." She stopped herself from talking by faking a coughing fit. "Oh, golly. I need some water before I decide!" With haste, Pinkie darted into the air, flying as fast as she could away from the quarry. She looked back to see if they were following her, but none did. They all were staring at her. Limestone, Maud, and Marble. Her mother and father. Their eyes pierced her—she could almost read their minds.

"That society of big meanies really put me between a rock candy and a hard place," she commented to herself. "I can't believe they're fighting over a princess title! I mean, they can't think they're princesses. It's not that simple." She had gone so far that she no longer flew over the rock farm. "Am I a princess?" She hadn't thought about it until now—and cursed herself for not asking Twilight. "I mean, certainly not everypony is a princess. But I'm one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony." That thought curdled her stomach. "I mean, I was. Gosh. That big jerk Svengallop and his little group of nincompoops really got me in a tizzy! I hope Rarity already put them in Tartarus."

Pinkie continued flying away from the farm. She hated leaving, but they could handle a little while longer without her, especially if she had become a deciding factor. Solving fights between friends had become commonplace for Pinkie, thanks to the map in Twilight's castle. But a fight between siblings? The answer wasn't as clear. She needed a break to think, to go somewhere to have a little fun. Thankfully, the ability to fly made it a breeze to go somewhere quick, and there wasn't much distance from a place that always counted as fun.

Into the sky and through the clouds, it didn't take long for Pinkie to reach the city of lights. Las Pegasus glowed and sang as if the world had never changed at all. Lights beamed into the sky, which grew dim. A sunset struck the city, turning the building hues into orange and red.

Landing instead of flying, Pinkie dropped onto the street. Ponies flew, sure, but even she wasn't used to the added effort it took. "I wonder if I can get good enough to beat Dashie," she wondered aloud, eyeing over the city. It lacked a significant amount of ponies than what she would've assumed normal for the flashy city. "If I'm a princess, then she is too. I'll bet she's like the Princess of Fast or something. No way would I beat her." Bells rang out from one of the game venues as the doors opened for two alicorns. It remained an odd sight, horns and wings on a pony.

As Pinkie marched through the city, not specifically looking for anything particular, she felt the guilt start settling in. Twilight, a real princess, needed help in the Crystal Empire, and Pinkie had run off to visit her family. And instead of actually solving her family's issue, she ran off again. "This isn't what a princess does." She needed to talk to Twilight, to get a better understanding of what they were now. "I should've gone with her." How could she determine if Maud and Limestone were princesses if she wasn't even sure about herself? Pinkie breathed deeply before turning back around to head back to her family.

She tried to imagine what the Crystal Empire dealt with. If something happened to its citizens, why wasn't Las Pegasus dealing with it too? "There's got to be some reason why it's staying strong. Even Maud and Limestone were going at it like abyssinians and diamond dogs." Ponies were moving all around her, and for the first time since arriving, Pinkie looked at where they were going.

Ponies who followed beside her were heading for exits, each with tightly pursed lips and sad eyes. Certainly not angry enough to throw chaos into the city. The ones in the direction she had been going were the exact opposite. Gleeful grins, cheery attitudes, and each loving life. "Hey, where's everypony going?" she stopped and asked the sadder side.

A brown stallion, not much taller than Pinkie, frowned at her. "They're going to get tested. The princess tests." Tears rolled down his face. "I'm no princess!" He broke off from her, running away with tears streaking behind him.

"Sheesh. A test for princesses? I wondered if that's why Twilight studies all the time," she wondered, allowing herself to giggle. "But who princesses the princess? Can't be Celestia or Luna, and Twilight is off with Cadance." Pinkie rushed past the sad sacks, getting through the crowd and into a plaza of brick and lights. Music filled the square with hollers and shouts from pony delight. Booths were leaves in a forest for the plaza with all sorts of different tents. At first, she assumed they were like carnival games—maybe a festival to celebrate alicornhood? But Las Pegasus was the party city! That'd be like putting a pool on a lake.

The booths weren't games, though. There were certainly crowds surrounding each, but they lacked the fun, luck-based games with plush prizes. No hoops on bottles, no squirt-into-a-dragon-mouth, no spin the wheels. Not even a single strength tester! "Maybe they're shows?" Pinkie trotted up to one. The booths weren't big, but they allowed for two ponies to stand on a raised platform. Performers wasn't the right word as the acts made no sense—unless Pinkie had missed out on avant-garde plays becoming popular. At one stall, two ponies painted. The works were beautiful, but sloppy too as they were done so quickly. Another stall had fiddle players squaring off against one another. Definitely unusual. Every stall had the same sort of act—two ponies facing off as though it were a competition. It reminded Pinkie that she had left two special ponies facing off without any resolution to their problems.

She clasped her throat with her hoof. "I suppose I should head back. But as to say I wasn't lying, I should get a glass of water. Or two." None of the booths around her were food stalls. In fact, none of the ones she had passed were serving food to the spectators. Pinkie had to manage her way through the crowd just to find an open canopy where smoke billowed. To her surprise, she found the culprits to the madness. Or at least, it made sense. "Flim and Flam! I should've known you were behind—" She paused, glancing back at the booths "—this? Actually, I'm not sure what's going on."

Flim and Flam hadn't paid her any mind at first. They weren't performing random acts like the booths of the plaza. Instead, Flam—the one with the mustache—managed a register, counting bits. Flim flipped hay burgers and placed fries on plates. "Pinkie Pie," Flam greeted her and stopped counting. "I can't believe I somehow remembered her name."

"That's a bit rude to say to a pony," Pinkie mocked him.

"No, I mean, Flim is usually the one who remembers your names," Flam answered.

Flim squished some hay with his spatula on a burner before looking over his shoulder. The hissing sound of grease almost overshadowed his words. "I know all of Twilight Sparkle's friends. Have to. Sometimes they show up out of the blue and threaten to ruin our business. It's good to avoid her, especially after last time."

Flam grimaced. "Yes. We almost made a terrible deal with her," he stated and returned to his counting. "Had we known everyone would become alicorns, we would've asked her for a tax write-off."

"You two pay taxes?" Pinkie blinked, and the twin stallions looked almost offended. "Not the point—kind of a point—I'll circle back to it later," she said rather quickly. "Did you two set this all up? Do I have to shut it down? Because I've saved the world a bunch of times now and I don't mind getting my party cannon out for you two. I know you're up to something."

"That's the thing about saving the world. You save it once or you save it a hundred times, it won't change a thing," Flam replied. "But you fail once?" His wings extended to full girth. With a small smirk, he added, "No. We weren't the ones to set this up. Not much money in seeing who is a better princess over little hobbies."

"We're providing snacks!" Flim interjected. "Here you go, ma'am." A pretzel on a stick covered in mustard passed between the two stallions. "That'll be five bits! You want fries with that?"

Pinkie's face crinkled in confusion. Flim and Flam had been late to the punch? "Then who?" she asked.

Flam threw a nod in a direction behind Pinkie, not looking up from the bits in front of him. "Three booths down, the one with a roof that looks like a block of cheese."

"Block of cheese?" Pinkie turned, squinting over the heads of other ponies. "Got it. Thanks you two!" As she trotted off, she yelled, "Don't forget, you still have to pay taxes! You're not princesses! I think."

So the crowds gathering around the booths were watching to see who could be a better princess? Now it made more sense. One booth for the mathiest princess—Princess of Math, obviously. Another for the longest mane—Princess of Mane? One had ponies test their ability to pick up weights with their teeth. That one didn't make sense as everypony could use a levitate spell. Well, once they learned it. Pinkie pined to learn that, and then she saw a booth specifically for levitation princesses. She stood and watched, and the leading pony levitated about one hundred different objects at once, the booth included. "They had to be a unicorn before the change, that's not fair," one stallion said to another.

Pinkie continued and came to the cheesy roof. "Princess of Jokes?" she mouthed, staring up at the sign.

"Step right up, step right up! Who will be next to challenge the current Princess of Jokes?" a stallion Pinkie recognized bellowed from inside the booth. "And you might be asking yourselves—how can I, a stallion, be a princess? Trust me, the Princess of Surgery deserves the title. Wonderful work." Ponies roused in laughter around Pinke, but she couldn't believe her eyes. Cheese Sandwich stood on the small stage, waiting for the next to challenge him in a battle of comedy. His eyes locked with hers as Pinkie pushed to the front of the crowd. "Well, there's a pony that might give me a run for my title. The pink pony princess from Ponyville's pastry providers." He jumped from the stage. "What do you say, Pinkie Pie? Think you're good enough to become a princess?"

Comments

[new55]

I wonder how many ponies truly believe being a Alicorn makes them a Princess and how many are simply pretending.