Star-Kissed: Go Get Laid, Twilight Sparkle!

by bronyheat

There'll be trouble in town tonight!

Applejack skidded to a halt, wincing as the momentum of the wagon caused it to roughly bump into her muscular rear. Applejack let out a pained “oomph” as she turned back to see how much distance they’d made between them and the pursuing law enforcement.

Not enough. Applejack thought dejectedly. The law was right on their hooves.

Thankfully, they’d at least reached their destination, and Applejack quickly unhitched herself from the wagon as she made her way to the trunk to open it. Applejack struggled as she tried to open the now stuck latch. Darnit! Applejack thought to herself as she strained, Rainbow must have busted it when she was checking on the poor stallion.

A now panicking Rainbow Dash landed next to Applejack and gripped the sides of the wagon shaking it slightly. Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! she paused almost hyperventilating. “fix it! Fix it! Fix it!

Applejack smacked the panicking pegasus out of the way, then turned around and placed her powerful rear hooves against the trunk. Lining up carefully she coiled a leg before kicking it out with a force that could shatter steel. The hardened metal latch exploded, and the trunk lid snapped and went sailing into the air, landing a few yards away.

Not wasting any time, Rainbow dove into the trunk like a prismatic blur and emerged with a dazed and confused Thunderlane, then she began to untie him.

Moments later the angry mob of authority caught up to them.

“Drop the stallion, ma’am.” An irate and winded Officer Fluffles commanded. She was currently flanked by two more officers and a small contingent of town guards wielding fierce looking spears.

A nearby mare wailed, “Oh sweet Celestia, they murdered that stallion!”

All hell broke loose.

Stalls were overturned, flowerbeds were demolished, and carried items were dropped and forgotten as the denizens of Ponyville worked themselves into yet another overblown panic. Several of the town guards broke off from the main group, and attempted to calm the terrified townsponies.

As the mayhem unfolded around her, Officer Fluffles took another step forward and growled out, “Ok you two, step back from the stallion and explain yourselves, now!”

Rainbow Dash sat the still woozy Thunderlane on his hooves, and despite stumbling a bit he managed to retain his balance. With the small crowd around him the pegasus’s foggy mind assumed he was at a Wonderbolt’s show, so he waved to the group with a dopey grin. Seeing the supposedly dead pegasus waving calmed the panicking onlookers a little.

Applejack, ever the Element of Honesty opened her mouth to tell the whole story to the officer... And once again Rainbow Dash cut her off.

“Well you see here officer-?”

The now exhausted policemare snapped back, “Officer Fluffles.”

“Right. Officer Fluffles, this here is uh, Thund-uhhh… Thunder Thighs! He’s an exotic pegasi dancer we hired for a party here!” Rainbow Dash offered a nervous smile.

Applejack smacked a hoof into her face hard enough it left a bruise.

“Uh-exotic pegasi dancer?” Officer Fluffles asked incredulously. She shook her head and continued, “an exotic pegasi dancer, at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of town, performing exclusively in this restaurant?”

“Yes.”

Surprised by the certainty of the response, Officer Fluffles relaxed a little and even smiled. “Well then, may we stay and watch?” a few of the other nearby guards nodded enthusiastically.

“No.” Came Rainbow’s simple response.

Several members of the group, including Officer Fluffles looked crestfallen at that. “Well, ok then. You two are odd ponies, but I must say, you at least have good taste in stallions.” she gave a wink to the still dazed Thunderlane before turning around to the group.

“Alright everypony, let’s wrap this up here so these paying folk can have their fun.” and with that the group trotted off to calm the rest of the crowd.

As the group of guards and police left. Rainbow used her hooves to guide the still uncoordinated Thunderlane to the entrance of Diamante Grezzo.

As they reached the entrance the doors suddenly flew open and slammed into Thunderlane, knocking him unconscious once more. He flopped to the ground just as a concerned looking alicorn landed beside him. Chaotic laughter could be heard coming from inside the restaurant.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry!” Twilight Sparkle looked to be on the verge of tears as she noticed Applejack and Rainbow Dash standing next to her.

“Girls! Oh sweet Celestia, who was that? Do you think he’s ok?”

Rainbow Dash put a hoof over Twilight’s withers. “Meh, he’s a tough kid.” She used her other hoof to gesture towards the unmoving pegasus. “Twilight Sparkle, meet Thunderlane, your date!”

Suddenly confetti shot up all around them and Pinkie Pie rolled into view carrying a banner that read: Congratulations on finally getting a special somepony! Seeing the angry looks around her Pinkie Pie halted her cartwheels.

“Yeesh, tough crowd.”

Author's Note:

Did I write this entire story to do another version of that now famous skit? No.
Do I loathe myself for writing into my story? Just a little.

Entirely worth it though...