Super Pony Roomies Season 2

by TheManehattanite

Prologue: What You're Getting Yourself Into Here

1

FADE IN

INT. CANTERLOT CASTLE—THRONE ROOM—DAY

“Be cool,” Spider-Pony says to himself, pacing back and forth across one of the most important ceilings in the magical land of Equestria, “be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool...”

“Can’t be something you’re not,” the Horseshoe Torch decrees, forelegs behind his head, shades in place as he floats above one of the most important carpets in the magical land of Equestria. On fire.

“Do you think she’s mad?” Spidey dangles upside down from a web-line to stare imploringly into his friend’s shades. Their gazes are inexorably drawn to the empty throne. “I’d be mad. Do you think she hates us? I bet she hates us.”

“I wouldn’t be mad!” Johnny pulls his shades up to squint. “I love me!”

“Aaaaagh, she so hates us!” Spidey spins in place on his line.

“Gentlecolts.”

Our heroes flinch, spinning towards the throne, now occupied by Princess Celestia.

They bow. It’s difficult because the Torch is still in mid-air and Spidey is still upside down.

“Some refreshment before we begin?” Celestia asks in a cheerful tone. She levitates some goodies out of a dish neither super is sure was there a moment ago. “Have you heard of these?”

Her eyes narrow like descending guillotines. “I believe they’re called snack cakes.”

“I can explain!” Spidey and the Torch blurt in sync.

“Please do,” Celestia says.

CUT TO:

2

EXT. EQUESTRIA—WASTELANDS—BLOOD RED SUNSET—FLASHBACK

Tirek the Tyrannical towers over all creation, sucking the very magic out of Equestria itself…including the charismatic combo!

“He’s absorbing anything he can find!” cries Spider-Pony as they writhe in the Kirby Krackle of Tirek’s breath. “Even our own superpowers!”

“You’re doing that thing again!” the Torch winces as his flames begin to die.

“We’re totally helpless!”

“Seriously, I am right here! I know what’s happening!”

Tirek finishes his gorging, his prey flopping to the grass like used sock puppets. “And now,” the tyrant booms, “with the power of cosmic rays and…whatever it is a spider actually does…” He stops looking at his hands to clench and shake them at the heavens. “I shall march on Canterlot and steal the magic of the stars themselves!”

“Not on our watch!” declares a trio of pre-pubescent voices.

All three combatants stare at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, standing defiantly in Tirek’s shadow. Setting sunlight glints off a mound of…something in Scootaloo’s wagon.

“Three school fillies?!” Tirek shakes the earth as he stomps forward to get a better look. “Against me?! Is this some kind of joke?!”

“Buster,” Apple Bloom sullenly shoots back, “when it comes to the delicious taste of Hostess’ Apple Fruit Pies, I don’t joke around!”

She bucks Scootaloo’s wagon, flinging a tiny red wrapped projectile at the enemy of everything pony! Tirek is so caught off guard he actually catches it to examine between his massive fingers.

“And if you think that’s serious,” Sweetie Belle chimes in, levitating a swarm into his other hand, “then blackberry is gonna bury you!”

“And after you’re done recovering from that sweet wordplay,” Scootaloo grins, bucking and headbutting her bounty out of her cart into the blinking Centaur’s clutches like an adorable Gatling gun, “you can wash it all down with peach, the perfect pallet cleanser!”

“Now wait just a—” Tirek begins to protest, but gags as one of the Pegasus’ missiles gets past his guard and flies down his gullet.

For a moment he is completely still, then chews contemplatively. The ground rumbles, not from thunder of approaching hooves, but Brobdingnagian murmurs of delight.

“Zounds!” Tirek declares, squeezing a fist full of wrappers to consume more delicacies. Crumbs shower his beard. Spidey and Johnny are too weak to look away and it’s the worst. “And I thought I was powerful! Light, tender crust with tasty fruit filling! And so many flavours! Why, I simply must make room for more!”

His frame glows and shrinks with each grunt and gulp, restoring lushness to trees and grass! Crimson clouds evaporate, returning Equestria to a perfect storybook day!

“We got blueberry and lemon too if ya want,” Apple Bloom beams.

“Oh I do,” a now only twelve foot Tirek murmurs through a mouthful of golden sponge cake, rich cream filling, and a galaxy of festive fruit flavours, “I do!”

Scootaloo throws herself backwards off her little hooves to crash into her wagon, catapulting a shattering window rainbow of spinning fruit pie wrappers into the declining centaur’s delighted grasp. As he savours the sweet taste of black and blueberry at once, a golden thunderbolt scratches itself out of his horns to strike the prone heroes.

“Our powers!” Spidey gasps as he’s levitated to his hooves. “Returning!”

“Context is obvious, thanks!” the reignited Torch growls from between clenched teeth.

“They’re leading him back to Tartarus with that trail of delicious fruit pies!”

“Did you get struck by lightning or something?”

3

INT. CANTERLOT CASTLE—THRONE ROOM—DAY

“Which, ah, funny story!” Spider-Pony says.

“For another time,” Celestia quietly decrees. “So, after one isolated incident you decided to repeat the experiment. Correct?”

“…lil’ bit.” Spidey shrugs, or is perhaps quivering too much to keep his shoulders straight.

“A little bit,” Celestia repeats leadenly, as if he’d just said the same thing about self-crucifixion.

Beat.

“It just made everything so easy!” Spidey finally blurts. “You’d find a bad guy and you’d throw a pie and it’d all be over!”

Of course he’s miming the throw.

“But in fact!” the Torch declares. “It was only…beginning…” Celestia is now looking at him, and it’s sinking in that drawing attention to himself may have been a bad idea.

“Yes,” Celestia says steadily, “because as I understand it, that’s where you came in.”

CUT TO:

4

INT. 616B YANCY STREET—LIVING ROOM—NIGHT—FLASHBACK

The lights are off, everything in the room shrouded by shadows. The only illumination comes from city lights through the balcony doors, one of which inches open to let a lithe figure with a bulging sack creep inside. And it sure ain’t Father Hearth's Warming!

“Hello, roomie.”

Spider-Pony freezes mid-creep, staring as a Barcalounger starts to judder like a small dog trying to eat a passing mosquito. “Johnny?!”

“…yeah,” the chair admits. Johnnycake’s trademark mane stabs over the top of the seatback as he wrestles with the armrests. “One…sec!”

“Were you…sitting in the dark? Is this a set up?”

“Yeah!”

“Why is your chair facing the wrong way?”

“Thought it was one of those…swivel ones…” the Torch grunts. “Hang on…”

His hooves start slapping the top and rubbing the undersides of each armrest. Spidey clutches the neck of his sack, like it’s a stuffed animal being used to ward off a depressing monster from under the bed. “I think you have to jiggle the thing…”

“Aha!” The lounger drops backwards so Johnny can grin at his roommate, upside down and with his hind hooves up. “So.” He puts his hooves behind his head, still upside down. “What do we have there?”

“Uh…”

“Golden sponge?” Blue eyes narrow, glinting like water just before a shark attack. “Rich cream filling?”

“Yeah,” Spidey admits. “Want one?”

“…whatcha got?”

“Everything but cherry. Evil really likes cherry!”

“Hmm. What goes good with gloriousness?”

“Uh, everything?” Spidey squints, tossing him a random flavour. “That’s the whole point! Is this a scheme? You’re making that face.”

“Yeah, but it might be that my neck is stiff.” Johnny clambers to all fours, taking a bite. “Mmm! Light, tender crust…”

“Is it a get rich quick scheme?” Spidey rolls up his mask to indulge his own sweet tooth.

“Please, Pete, this is Manehattan, not the town of Bedrock!” Johnny’s upper body disappears into the sack for a moment to procure some pies, one of each flavour, which he begins to juggle. “So! What we know: bad guys, no matter how evil, go crazy for golden sponge cake with tasty fruit filling!”

“From criminally insane to confectionery insane!” Spidey agrees, flopping into his own chair. “Are we…thinking bigger?”

Johnny grins.

SMASH CUT TO:

5

MONTAGE—

—INT.GOLDEN OAKS LIBRARY—PONYVILLE—DAY—FLASHBACK

Twilight Sparkle opens a book nosed across a table to her, telekinetically flips it open, and boggles at the (obviously way over)due by date. She glares up at a quivering Peter Trotter.

Johnnycake leans over his roommate’s shoulder, one hoof over his eyes to protect them from the violet maelstrom gathering in Twilight’s…and places a pouch full of fruit snack besides the tome.

He uncovers his eyes, and lets out a relived sigh as Twilight gorges herself on them in delight. The roomies nod to each other. Game on.

—INT.MANEHATTAN BANK—DAY—FLASHBACK

Peter, dressed in an ill-fitting suit, smiles nervously as a loan officer looks up from going over his credit score. She stares at him before holding the sheet up in her mouth. Its covered in red notes, mostly…interrobangs?!

Peter pretends to notice something behind her, causing her to look around. At another desk, Johnny, wearing a much better suit, continues to chat up the employee there while kicking a duffle bag, sending it sliding across to Peter.

When the loan officer turns back around, she finds a bag full of golden sponge with rich fruit flavour sitting between her and her smiling client.

She takes a bite, stamps a giant red check mark onto Peter’s form, vanishes under her desk, and emerges in a complete clown ensemble, somersaulting over her desk and galloping out into the sun to finally fulfil her dreams!

Peter shrugs as Johnny states at him. Okay, so it’s not a perfect system.

—EXT. WONDERBOLT DERBY TRACK—CANTERLOT—DAY—FLASHBACK

Equestria’s premiere flight squad rips around a final curve, neck after neck after neck for the finish line…! And the Horseshoe Torch comes blazing out of nowhere, snapping the tape of a race he wasn’t even in!

Johnny performs a victory clasp for the confused crowd, turning to come face to face with an entire squadron of furious Wonderbolts. The only reason Fleetfoot hasn’t gone for his throat yet is because Soarin’s outraged wings are in the way. Not even because he’s on fire.

Spider-Pony soars over the scene on a web-parachute, showering them with delicious golden sponge and rich cream filling!

The Torch grins as the ‘bolts devour their new bounty, firing mini fireballs into the air to throw his own fireworks parade. Spidey is too busy being attacked by hungry seagulls to join in.

—A copy of the Derby Bugle hits a random porch somewhere in Equestria. ‘RICH IN FLAVOUR, LOW IN CHARACTER?’ demands the front page, complete with photos of Spidey holding a trench coat open to offer Princess Cadence, eyes wide with wonder, the finest of fruit pie selections, while a shades wearing Johnny keeps a lookout.

—EXT. CRYSTAL EMPIRE—FROZEN NORTH—DAY—FLASHBACK

A Just Sold sign juts out of the grass. Equestria’s lost landmark now sports a complex rollercoaster, often through entire building, which Spidey and the Torch ride with delirious abandon!

Shining Armor looks over at his wife, surrounded by tiny hearts as she enjoys two of her fruit pies at once, and, with the air of resignation all great leaders possess, selects a lemon one for himself.

—Derpy Hooves reads a copy of the Derby Bugle (upside down, bless her). ‘EVERYTHING FINE, ASSURE NEW OWNERS’ proclaims the headline. ‘Previous publisher still missing in mysterious seagull accident’ a sombre sidebar tells us.

—END MONTAGE

6

INT. CANTERLOT CASTLE—THRONE ROOM—DAY

“Alright, alright, hold on!” Princess Celestia protests, waving one wing like a hand. “Are they fruit pies or something else? Golden sponge cake? That sounds like Twinkies. Is that what they are?”

“…nygh?” our marvellous masters of wondrous wordplay reply with twin shrugs.

“Dare I ask how you managed to manufacture so many?” Celestia sighs.

“There was gonna be a Pinkie Pie cameo with Sugar Cube Corner as a…lab,” Spidey explains.

“But her contract’s super strict about wholesomeness,” the Torch ads, “soooo…”

“So she wasn’t there,” Celestia says in a voice of gathering thunderclouds, “when you decided to gate-crash the peace summit.”

CUT TO:

7

INT. CANTERLOT CASTLE—SUMMIT ROOM—DAY—FLASHBACK

“Big noses may talk big,” bellows Prince Rutherford, “but that’s all: talk!”

“This is a summit!” snaps an elephant ambassador with a hopefully actual South Asian accent. “The entire point is to talk, you…you…you--”

“Pin headed poltroon?” Rutherford suggests, indicating his own horns.

“Ah, yes. Thank you. That!”

“BAH! How dare you, you big eared bozo!”

“Bozo?! How dare you, sir! My father was the pride of the Broncoledesh circus circuit!”

“Gentleman, please!” Celestia implores. “Surely we can come to some kind of--”

She spins as the doors bang open. “Spider-Pony?! Johnnycake?! How did you…where are the guards?! What are they eating?!”

“The secret to world peace!” Spidey declares, upending his saddlebag all over the meeting table.

“Relax Princess, we got this,” Johnny assures, lounging against a stunned Celestia’s leg.

“Now see here!” the elephant ambassador fumes. “These are private talks of vital importance to the fate of international relations!” He hesitates as his trunk picks out a random flavour and takes an experimental bite. “…and this is the most astonishing thing I’ve ever tasted! Soft, but filling!”

“Little pony food may be little,” Rutherfod agrees enthusiastically as he shoves an entire punch bowl’s worth of flavour down his gullet, “but it packs a biiiig wallop!”

“Seriously,” Spidey beams at a paralysed Celestia, “there’s nothing that first taste of delicious fruit filling can’t solve!”

“Fruit filling?” the ambassador asks, blinking. “Oh dear, are you sure?”

“…yeah?” Spidey shares glances with Johnny, both feeling like Iderspay-Ensesay should be inglingtay.

“Oh well, I suppose I can risk it!” the ambassador smiles self-indulgently. “At least there’s no kind of cream filling. Urk.”

He topples tusks first on top of Rutherford, collapsing not two but three empires.

SMASH CUT TO:

8

INT. CANTERLOT CASTLE—THRONE ROOM—DAY

“So in conclusion,” Celestia says, striding past her terrified guest to a window, “not only is Equestria at war with two nations at once.”

She telekinetically yanks a cord, throwing open the curtains. Canterlot’s streets are full of rioters, looters, and already a few fires. Discord crowd surfs a passing mob with obvious delight.

“But the economy is in tatters because fruit snack pies are now the only accepted currency, thanks to a surprise merger Equestria itself is now a subsidiary of Flim Flam Fortunes which owns those snacks…”

She holds a hoof to her ear at a distant explosion. “And unless I miss my guess, that would be every prison in the country breaking open under an army of inmates, desperate to get their teeth into either tasty fruit or rich cream filling. All because you lads didn’t think life in the magic kingdom of Equestria was comfortable enough.”

She rounds on them. “What do you have to say for yourselves?!”

The two look at each other.

“Well, gosh Princess…” Johnny awkwardly rubs the back of his neck, sending up sparks.

“I…I don’t know what we can say,” Spider-Pony eventually concludes, ears drooping as he lowers his head.

It snaps up as the camera zooms in suddenly. “Except!”

The camera pulls back just enough for Celestia and the Torch to crowd into frame next to him, grinning like funhouse mirrors. This awful new Cerberus opens all three of its mouths and says the words of Ragnarök:

“Live from Manehattan, it’s Saturday Night Live!”

END DREAM SEQUENCE

9

“YGH!”

Princess Luna’s head whipped around her room without seeing anything. When her vision did finally settle, she instinctively squinted her eyes half shut, wincing. One set of her curtains were open to let the light of the moon in, but her room was lit by a more intrusive flicker. It wormed its way into her brain, which felt boiled.

She looked up at the source, clumsily sat on her bureau from constant uncertain readjustments. Ah. Yes. That.

It had been quiet in the dreamscape, so she’d returned early to the waking world with nothing to do. She’d read everything and Hunter Rose’s latest wouldn’t be out for another five months.

Her home projector was ‘in the shop’, and Celestia had been all too eager to talk her into taking one of those new…things.

Out of the Empire, made of crystal, they were testing them all over Equestria, they sort of caught… ‘casts?’ Like a fishing net but they were also for plays? Had a word in front. Large. Wide? You could see things from the cinema and off the radio on them, was the point!

Anyway! She’d finally…‘plugged’ it in because it was late, the Defenders weren’t needed, she had nothing to read, so what the hay, she’d watch the zeitgeist reel.

Politics, most of which she already knew, latest in fashion, which had been fun, whom was dating whom, things sixth formers were saying to each other…after that, the part you put the reel in had spat it out at her like an insolent tongue, and the screen had some kind of spasm. Luna had sat frozen uncertainly, before realising the colours were a game show. Picked up all the way from Las Pegasus, fancy that.

She’d settled back on the bed uncertainly, and watched the CV shimmer from thing to thing.

Crystal Vision! That was it! Latest thing in a few decades, apparently, though she wasn’t sure it would be for the reason the lads in the lab thought it would. It was more like you couldn’t believe you’d been reduced to this, so you sat there trying to see how far you could take it before you melted.

Which she sort of had, or more likely dozed off after that Saturday Night thing. Which was the last clear thing she could remember.

Which was why the morning castle staff found the crystal screen, bound like an Everfree monster by its power cord, stuck outside her majesty’s chambers, with a piece of parchment sticky taped to it.

It bore Luna’s seal and simply read, ‘No.’

To be Continued

Author's Note:

CONTEXT