Extracts From the Biography of Starswirl the Bearded

by SWEETOLEBOB18

Chapter 2 Starswirl At The All Gone Inn

While working as a syndicated chess columnist, he occasionally filled in as the Society Columnist, "High Society" or the Culture Reviewer "Constant Reader" (mainly book reviews, but also plays, and art work), and all or parts of some editorials.

The literary and artistic elite of the city hung out at the All Gone Inn, where they had a huge round table in a backroom. Their rule was that anyone connected, however tenuously, with the theater, newspapers, or writing in general was welcome. BUT, you had better be able to hold your own in a verbal battle, be there to discuss business, or willing to buy endless rounds of drinks. Otherwise, you would be verbally harassed until you fled the premises.

As these columns were written by many different ponies under the common house name, and the verbal quips at the inn were, of course, unwritten, it is difficult to be certain exactly what Starswirl did or did not write or say. These are commonly attributed to him.

"A work of art? It has no invention; it has no order, system, sequence, or result; it has no lifelikeness, no thrill, no stir, no seeming of reality; its characters are confusedly drawn, and by their acts and words they prove that they are not the sort of people the author claims that they are; its humor is pathetic; its pathos is funny; its conversations are -- oh! indescribable; its love-scenes odious; its words a crime against the language.

Counting these out, what is left is Art. I think we must all admit that."

When criticized for writing a review of a play that he had not seen in its entirety, he replied "When I bite into an egg, I don't need to eat the entire egg to know if it's good or not"

"This book should not be set aside lightly. It should be hurled with great force"

"It is not difficult to write an editorial. You need only a pen forged in Tartarus and a gift for invective"

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad."

"The Princesses attempts to reform the nobility are like attempting to pick up a turd by the clean end"

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I see it all perfectly: there are two possibilities, one can either do this or do that. My honest opinion and friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it, you will regret both." (Advice to a fellow round table member who was debating whether or not to leave their spouse)

"It is hard to find the good in some folks and harder when there isn't any"

"The playwright's vocabulary is mean and impoverished, but adequate to express his ideas. The lead singer's voice could make your ears bleed. The romantic lead not only fills the role, he overflows it."

"This novel is both original and good. Unfortunately, the parts that are good are not original and the parts that are original are not good."

---

review of "The Enemy Conquered; or, Love Triumphant." By G. Ragsdale McClintock,

The reader must not imagine that he is to find in here wisdom, brilliancy, fertility of invention, ingenuity of construction, excellence of form, purity of style, perfection of imagery, truth to nature, clearness of statement, possible situations, possible people, fluent narrative, connected sequence of events-- or philosophy, or logic, or sense. No; This book has a total and miraculous ABSENCE from it of all these qualities, does not know that they are absent, does not even suspect that they are absent.

He likes words--big words, fine words, grand words, rumbling, thundering, reverberating words; with sense attaching if it could be got in without marring the sound, but not otherwise. He loves to stand up before a dazed world, and pour forth flame and smoke and lava and pumice-stone into the skies, and work his subterranean thunders, and shake himself with earthquakes, and stench himself with sulfur fumes. If he consumed his own fields and vineyards, that was a pity, yes; but he would have his eruption at any cost.

….We have now arrived at the end. But it is not exciting. McClintock thinks it is; but it isn't.
….. there is but one Drake Spear, there is but one McClintock--and his immortal book is before you. Shakespeare could not have written this book, I could not have done it myself. There is a strange sort of originality about McClintock; he imitates other people's styles, but nobody can imitate his, not even an idiot. Other people can be windy, but McClintock blows a gale; other people can blubber sentiment, but McClintock spews it; other people can mishandle metaphors, but only McClintock knows how to make a business of it. McClintock is always McClintock, he is always consistent, his style is always his own style. He does not make the mistake of being relevant on one page and irrelevant on another; he is irrelevant on all of them. He does not make the mistake of being lucid in one place and obscure in another; he is obscure all the time. He does not make the mistake of slipping in a name here and there that is out of character with his work; he always uses names that exactly and fantastically fit his lunatics....

Author's Note:

During the 1920s and 1930s much of the literary elite of New York hung out at a table in the Algonquin Hotel

"A work of art...." was Mark Twain's essay on Fenimore Cooper
The review is parts of "A Cure For the Blues" by Mark Twain
Many of the quotes were from George Bernard Shaw
Many were from here https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/curmudgeon.html