Chapter Four - Calculating Pi
From the journal of Twilight Sparkle
11th of February, First year of Exodus
One day after the attack, I decided to visit Pinkie. Her room was several floors below the command towers, just aft of the elevators. My own were on the aft part of the flight command tower. I'd invited her up several times in the past week we'd been aboard. She never even replied. Cadence told me she had tried to talk with her, but for the whole visit Pinkie had simply laid there, not responding, not doing anything. She hadn't even acknowledged that Cadence was there.
I can't say I knew what she was dealing with. My own parents had been on one of the first shuttles out of Canterlot. My family was intact. Pinkie had lost everyone but her sister Maud and her coltfriend. I'd spoke with her too, but she was hard to read. I wasn't until Starlight talked to Maud that I learned how upset Pinkie really was.
I had a basket of various sweets with me when I knocked on her door. "Pinkie," I called. "It's Twilight." No response, so I tried again. "Pinkie, can I come in?" Still nothing, but I wasn't about to give up. "I've got a basket of treats with me. The Sampler Platter. Well, as close as I could make a sampler platter. You wanna try some?" Silence was my reply, so I decided to let myself in.
Pinkie lay as had been described: on her bed, facing away from the door. The single recessed light on the far was was lit, casting cold illumination on the party expert. She looked like the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.
"Pinkie?" She said nothing as I walked in and the door closed behind me. Moving around to the other side of the bed, I got a look at her face. Her eyes were half closed and staring at a spot between the floor and halfway up the wall. I sat down somewhat within her eye line, and leaned down until she was looking directly at me. "Can you hear me?" She continued to stare through me. I frowned sadly, then decided to try the sweets. "Do you wanna try one of these? I got them from... well, several different sources. I even snagged an Apple family fritter. Sound good?"
I got no response. I tried for half an hour. I put cupcakes in front of her. I brushed out her hair. I tried to sing her a song.
I walked out of that room more depressed than when I went in.
I just went through all the chapters to date and have some suggestions/comments.
What worked:
*I liked how suddenly the black hole appeared, which leads a much-needed urgency to the evacuations, and the realization that not everyone can be saved, and aren't saved.
*I also liked how, even when they're seemingly united in a common cause, the various species still don't co-exist that well onboard the ship, with some even choosing to leave, instead of going with the optimistic approach of everyone working together
*Having Celestia and Luna's magic be tied to the sun and moon, and subsequently disappearing, makes for an interesting contrast in that they're still leaders of the ponies, but don't have any exceptional magic, forcing them to rely on their knowledge and experience to guide the others.
What doesn't work:
*I felt that having the ship, the androids, and all the other species introduced so quickly and without explanation was almost like cheating; While this may be an alternate universe where ponies know of other space-faring civilizations, having them and/or their ships appear without any foreshadowing is jarring.
*The biggest issue I have is with Timber. Despite your notice about him in the first chapter, he feels like a typical OC who has special abilities/skills that no one else has that cannon characters rely on to save the day. In this case, it's finding out about the black hole, having space ships, and contacts with other species. His appearance, and introduction by Twilight, feels like my comment about the appearance of ships and species from other series.
Suggestions if you are up to rewrites:
*I'd suggest making Luna be the one who finds the black hole and warns everyone instead of Timber; she feels like the natural choice for such an event, given her association with space and the moon.
*I'd suggest having Equis finding the Exodus drifting past the planet a few months prior to the story with all the crew missing or dead, and they had been studying it ever since. That would help set up a more logical explanation of how they suddenly have such a large ship at their disposal. If it's been battered and damaged, that would raise the stakes for the rest of the story, as all the survivors would have to work to keep their only refuge intact, lest it give out and kill them all in addition to all the other hazards they encounter.
*I'd suggest making Timber the pony in charge of studying the Exodus when it arrived, which would give him greater knowledge than most about how it works and what it can do.
Overall, I like the premise of the story, and many of the complications the characters have to face up to this point, and I'm looking forward to seeing future installments, but I feel that some strategic changes will help make the opening a bit smoother.
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First off, thank you for the politeness of your review. It's a welcome change from "THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!"
Second, about the crew of the Venator's mishandled introduction. You have a good point about it being jarring, but what you need to remember is this is all excerpts from Twilight's journal. It's gonna be all jumbled and rough cut for a few chapters as she sorts through both the task of handling their new situation and the emotions and stresses that are being put on her. I agree that I need to do a better ship introduction, and plan to revisit that in a later chapter (Twilight reads back through her journal at some point and sees this very flaw).
Third, my OC. Most of what's know about him is headcanon. As I said, I probably won't write a lot of the adventures he's had, but the basics of him is he's Doctor Who, only instead of wibbly-wobbly Timey-wimey, it's Dimensionally-wenchionaly shifty-wifty.
Fourth, introductions of plot devices. Yeah, I really should change the way the black hole and the Exodus are revealed. I probably will at some point. And your Luna idea is spot on; that's a change that will be made when I have a moment. Thanks for that too.
I hope I can write well enough in the future for you and others to continue to enjoy reading this. And I hope you at least peek at my other (INCOMPLETE!!! I really need to get back on those) works.
You're Awesome!