Master of None

by Dalken Starbyne

Dear Journal - Today I Met a Princess (Chapter 2)

I’m not sure what I expected from a place called Ponyville, but I suppose ponies ought to have been on the list. We arrived very early in the morning--the sun had only barely crested the horizon--so the streets were rather bare. I had to assume Pyra was a more adventurous type of pony though since the few that I did see eyed me with what I could only interpret as fear and suspicion. Several retreated into their homes. I supposed that made sense; she found me in the middle of a dangerous forest at night. I wasn’t sure if I should have been concerned or relieved that they were afraid of me. I settled on glad that Pyra was there to save my life in the first place.

“Why were you out there, anyway?” I asked as I took in the sights of the town. It was a short walk from the edge of the forest. There were some other homes dotting the outskirts, including a cottage by the path we’d taken to exit the forest proper, but they were few and far between. We hadn’t spoken much since we met in the clearing. I was exhausted from hiking, and running, and just being awake far longer than I really ought to have been, and it was all I could do to focus on walking some more. The sight of something other than trees and foliage, however, restored some of my mental stamina.

Pyra shrugged the weight of her saddlebags into a more comfortable position. I hadn’t even noticed them until partway through our trek together, but the clasps were shaped to match a peculiar image stamped into the fur across her flank: a box, or maybe it was a crate, from which an assortment of fireworks was in the process of exploding. “I like exploring sometimes,” she answered, looking up at me for a moment as she trotted along. “I heard there’s a really old castle somewhere in that general direction. I haven’t been able to find it yet, though.”

“An old castle?” I replied. All of this other strangeness going on, and she still managed to further pique my curiosity. I brushed some stray dirt away from my coat and shook it out to free any loose leaves and debris left from the forest. “Sounds cool. Is it haunted?”

Looking down, I saw Pyra grin. “Some ponies say there’s a Pony of Shadows that lives there. I wanna find out!”

I barked out a laugh.

We made the rest of our way across town without incident. Our destination was a large, plain building some distance from the main cluster of homes and shops surrounding what I assumed was town center. The sign read “Ponyville General Hospital” in blocky, red letters, punctuating a massive, red cross adhered to the front wall several stories up.

“You know, it just now occurs to me how improbable it is that we can come from two places so far from each other as to not have heard of the other and yet speak the same language as if we were neighbors,” I said, stopping in front of the entrance to the hospital. I still had no idea what had happened on my hike to bring me here, but I had since begun operating on the assumption I was not, in fact, hallucinating.

Pyra looked up at me again. “I wasn’t gonna say anything,” she beamed up at me. “But yeah, it’s kinda weird. But you’re kinda weird in general, anyways.”

I frowned and looked down at myself. I flexed my hands. I wiggled my toes. Now that I’d had a few hours to process everything that happened in the forest, my rational brain was finally catching up to my instinctual one. For everything I thought was odd about these ponies and the place I now found myself in, they must have seen something equally strange about me. No wonder the ponies back in town were so afraid. I wasn’t just a stranger. I was plain old strange.

I suddenly found myself that much more thankful that Pyra had been the one to find me.

My technicolored companion led me through the hospital doors where a bored receptionist was waiting, reading a magazine. For what felt like the dozenth time, I insisted that I was fine, and for the dozenth time, Pyra insisted I get checked out. We approached the counter. Without looking up, the pony behind the reception desk pressed a button on a console and informed whoever was at the other end that they had a walk-in patient waiting up front. She then instructed us to take a seat by the wall. Issuing our thanks, Pyra and I did just that. I’m not sure exactly how long we waited, but it was enough for me to doze off.

“Oh, my.” The voice came from my left. I blinked my eyes open and went to rub the drowsiness away, only to startle myself by accidentally hitting my glasses. I sighed at the smudge I’d left. I gathered up some of my shirt to try to wipe it away, but I’d forgotten about the day’s grime. So, instead, the smudge went from taking up the center of the right lens to obscuring it in its entirety. I sighed again. I put my glasses back on. And, finally, I looked up to see a pony standing in the hall just past the reception desk. She was dressed in a nurse’s scrubs, a white coat and pink mane underneath, and her flank bore a stamp like Pyra’s, although this one resembled a cross with hearts around it. She was staring directly at me.

My hand rose from my lap as I brought it to bare for a little wave from my fingers. “Uh, hi,” I said, forcing a smile.

The nurse looked from me, to Pyra, to the receptionist, and back again. The receptionist, apparently picking up on the sound of alarm in the nurse’s voice, finally turned her gaze away from her magazine long enough to properly take notice of me. The magazine fell from her hooves, dropping to the desk in a forgotten heap.

I watched the pair of ponies for a moment, feeling their gazes practically bore through my skin. I turned to Pyra. She shrugged. I turned back to the hospital staff.

“We--we have a room ready for you,” the nurse eventually managed, breaking the silence. “If you’ll just follow me. I’m Redheart, and I will be your attending nurse this morning.”

I stood, offering my thanks, and took up a position behind the nurse called Redheart. “This really isn’t necessary,” I insisted yet again. “It’s just a few scratches, and I don’t even have any money.”

Pyra, who had followed after me, papped my leg with a forehoof as Redheart gave me an odd look. “He isn’t from around here,” Pyra explained, as if it wasn’t patently obvious. Then, to me, she added, “The crown pays for medical care, silly. It’s a guaranteed service for all creatures in Equestria.”

That gave me pause. I really shouldn’t have assumed that things would work here the way I was used to. It was easy for me to, seeing as we happened to speak the same language. And the crown? I’d have to have a serious talk with Pyra about the ins and outs of life here. Especially since, I realized, I would probably wind up being here a while.

“Jack?”

I returned from my introspection to find Pyra and Redheart staring at me from down the hall, and I detected no small hint of concern from the both of them. I muttered an apology as I hurried to catch up. The nurse was holding open a door, which I promptly stepped through. The examination room was not unlike others I’d been in. A table, an exam bench, a counter equipped with a sink. All of the usual dressings were present. And it smelled as sterile as the rest of the hospital. So, I guess not everything was entirely alien, either.

Nurse Redheart instructed me to seat myself on the bench as she went for a clipboard. I removed my coat, folded it, and left it on the table and then hoisted myself up. Wax paper crinkled beneath my weight, and I became acutely aware of the fact that the patients here were usually much closer to half my size. Per the nurse’s request, Pyra returned to the waiting area in the lobby. Then Redheart asked if I’d rather a stallion perform my physical. I supposed they’d guessed my gender the same way I had presumed theirs. It occurred to me then that I had not even considered the possibility of nonbinary genders. I almost asked, but I decided instead to file that away as a question for Pyra when we had time for a proper talk. And after I’d had a proper night’s sleep somewhere. Jeez. I’d have to find a bed.

I told Redheart that I’d be fine with her examining me. If you absolutely must know, she acted in a manner befitting a consummate professional. Once we sorted out my basic anatomy enough to get through a roughshod checkup, the biggest snag we hit was when she was attempting to discern my medical history. At first, there wasn’t any real issue since I didn’t appear to be symptomatic--excluding the obvious from my recent ordeal--but when I got into the unusual circumstances surrounding my place of origin and arrival, she explained that there were certain procedures regarding screening visitors with unclear travel history. Nothing I had to be worried about, she assured, but she’d have to check the books. This sort of thing didn’t happen terribly often. Go figure.

She asked me to wait while she went to check on some things. I took no issue with it. Considering my situation, I wasn’t in any particular hurry. After she left, I laid back on the exam bed, legs dangling off the edge, and closed my eyes.

I really was very tired.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I yawned. I stretched. My hand hit a metal rail.

Wait. My bed didn’t have rails.

I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes and tried to get some bearing on my surroundings. Without my glasses, I had to squint, but I could still easily tell I was in some kind of recovery room. I’m proud to say I only panicked a little bit before I remembered my trip through the forest and everything that happened afterward. They must have moved me here after I fell asleep in the exam room. That was embarrassing. I could only imagine how Redheart reacted after coming back in to find me passed out, but I elected not to.

After another moment’s search, I found my glasses gingerly folded up on the table beside my bed. I noticed, when putting them on, that they’d been properly cleaned. I couldn’t recall them having been so free of dirt since I first got them. The next thing I noticed was that the recovery bed I was in actually fit my size. Finally, I realized I was dressed in a patient’s gown, and that my clothes were laundered and folded in a chair not far from the bed. Maybe I really had been hallucinating. I got out of bed and plodded my way over to the window.

Nope. That was definitely Ponyville. Mid-afternoon, if I had to hazard a guess.

I yawned again and sniffed like the graceful creature I was and then decided to get dressed, trying not to ponder the indignity of being carried across the hospital and subsequently undressed by a bunch of half-pint ponies. Part of me wondered where Pyra was. She probably had better things to do than wait around on me all day. It was not unreasonable, I thought, to assume she had gone on her way after leaving me to the care of the hospital staff. It was not as if we knew each other that well.

I grabbed my coat, which was draped over the back of the chair, and put it back on. I felt my speaker, compass, and binoculars thud against me from various pockets. I felt a brief moment of panic rise up again as I realized my phone and wallet were missing, but I promptly deflated when I saw they were sitting on the bedside table right next to where my glasses had been, along with my keys. Checking them over, I realized there was not much for me to panic about anyway. As if any of it was likely to be useful here. Even my phone battery had run out completely at some point since the last time I’d checked it, and I didn’t have my charger with me. Still, I felt naked without them, so I pocketed the lot back into my jeans.

In that moment, my stomach helpfully reminded me it had been close to twenty-four hours since the last time I’d had anything to eat. Patting myself down to be sure I had everything on me, I made my way to the door and opened it.

A pair of spears promptly fell into my path, causing me to jump back a step in surprise.

I totally didn’t yelp in terror, though. That would be completely undignified. Utterly unbefitting someone as calm, collected, and level-headed as me.

Clearing my throat, I readjusted my coat and peered through the doorway. A pair of ponies were blocking the way, holding the spears. And they were in full sets of armor. Or barding? I had a hard time really remembering all the proper terms for horses. I learned how to ride one when I was a kid and that was about it. I was fairly sure these ones would not take too kindly to me trying to ride them, anyway.

“Uh, hey,” I said to the pair, putting on my best hey-I’m-totally-a-stand-up-guy face.

They responded with silence. Aside from shifting the spears to block my path, they hadn’t even moved a muscle. Turned out I wasn’t very good at faking the whole hey-I’m-totally-a-stand-up-guy thing.

I waited another moment before continuing. “Could I, like, get a sandwich or something?”

They didn’t even shift their gazes to meet mine.

“Okayyyy...could someone please tell me what’s going on?”

Still no response. Not so much as a twitch.

I sighed. Alright. I was being held prisoner. On the one hand, I could try to escape, but then I’d be an extremely recognizable fugitive in a strange land, and while my size would give me a decent advantage against these guys, I wasn’t very good at fighting. On the other hand, the other ponies I’d met had been pretty nice to me on the whole so far, and it wasn’t as if they’d chained me to the bed or anything. They even let me keep my stuff. I decided that it would be best to wait. So I did.

I spent probably an hour staring out the window, taking in the sights with my binoculars. Aside from the town of Ponyville itself, there was something on a mountain far off in the distance. My binoculars revealed it to be a whole city, complete with a palace and towers, suspended on the mountainside. I had to marvel at the engineering that must’ve been required. ‘Breathtaking’ didn’t even begin to cover it.

“Admiring Canterlot, are we?”

I about shot out of my seat. I was glad my binoculars had a neck strap, or I’d have dropped them on the floor to shatter. Instead, they just thunked painfully against my chest as my chair launched a couple feet away and tumbled onto its side. I rubbed gingerly at the bruise as I turned to face the owner of the surprise voice.

She was much taller than any of the other ponies I’d seen so far. In fact, she was about as tall as I was standing up. She had a brilliant white coat and a sparkling, pearlescent, multihued mane that blew in the breeze. Even though we were indoors. Moreover, she had the horn of a unicorn and the wings of a pegasus. I also noticed a mark on her flank like the other ponies I’d seen. This one was unmistakable as an image of the sun. I blinked a few times, but I struggled to find any words. I had largely been unintimidated by the ponies thus far; they were, after all, barely half my size, and most of them very unbrazen in their attitudes toward me. This one, however, was at least as big as I was, and she practically radiated confidence. Kindness also, yes, from the softness of her smile, but there was a clear strength there that told me I should not take advantage of that kindness. The last thing I noticed was her regalia. There were golden shoes adorning her hooves, a large piece on her neck to match, and...oh.

She wore a crown.

I swallowed. I had no idea what the proper protocol was here. Was I supposed to kneel? Or did you bow if you were not a citizen? What did she want with me? Was I under arrest? Did they think I’d come here to invade their land? I bumped up against the window sill, and though she hadn’t moved from her spot by the door, I suddenly felt trapped in a corner.

And then she giggled.

At me.

She giggled at me!

“Relax. You’re safe here,” she assured. Her voice, as it was from the start, was quiet. Calm. And kind. It bore the same poise as the rest of her. There was never a more appropriate circumstance in my life to apply the word ‘regal’ as in that particular moment. “Jack, wasn’t it?”

She knew my name. How’d she know my name? Was she psychic? Oh my god, could she read my mind?

“Pyra filled me in on some of the details while you were sleeping,” she said. She never dropped that smile of hers. “It seems you’ve come quite a long way to visit us here.”

Pyra. I relaxed somewhat. That made more sense. And that meant she hadn’t just run off. For some reason, I found that thought more comforting than anything else. “Where is she?” I asked a little more forcefully than I’d intended.

“She is downstairs. I wanted a moment to address you privately.” The tall pony took another step into the room and then sat on her haunches before gesturing for me to take a seat. Taking a breath to calm my nerves, I pulled up the chair I’d toppled earlier and sat down. I met her eyes, and we regarded one another for a moment. Though we were about the same size, I felt so small then. I listened as she continued. “I am Princess Celestia. The ponies you’ve met, and all in this land, are my faithful subjects. It is my hope that we might get to know one another better, but I must ask: who do you represent, and what are your intentions?”

Oh god. Did she think I was some kind of dignitary or something? “I don’t--I mean, I’m not a representative, your...highness?” She canted her head, but she still smiled. I guessed that meant it was an acceptable mode of address. It was hard to tell. She hadn’t stopped smiling since I first saw her. “I’m just a guy. I got lost in the woods and wound up here. I have no idea how. Or where ‘here’ even really is. I can’t explain it. I kinda just want to go home.” I paused. My stomach rumbled. “And find something to eat.”

She let out a dainty chuckle. You might think that would be the same thing as a giggle, but you’d be wrong. “I think a meal can be arranged. The doctors guessed your diet would be omnivorous, based on your teeth,” she said, turning about to signal a pony I had not previously noticed waiting beyond the doorway. “Is that correct?”

I nodded. “Fruits. Certain kinds of vegetables. Nuts. Eggs,” I stopped. Slowly, I leaned over to watch the assistant beyond the doorway. She was writing something down on a piece of parchment. These were ponies. Which meant they were probably herbivores. “...Among other things.”

“Would, perhaps, something from the bakery be sufficient for now?” I couldn’t tell if she’d picked up on where I was headed. She just. Kept. Smiling.

“Uh.” I didn’t have baked goods very often. Though, thinking about it, I did like those huge muffins from that one big wholesale chain. “A muffin alright?”

Celestia turned to nod at the assistant, who promptly trotted off down the hall. “As for returning you home, that may be more complicated. If you would start with what you were doing when you arrived?”

Yep.

I was definitely going to be here for a while.