Friendship 101: Final Exam

by Sixes_And_Sevens

Chapter 5

The Natural Sciences building was bustling with activity. Not work-related activity, necessarily, but activity nonetheless. Everywhere Starlight looked, there was motion-- pendulums swinging merrily away, hammers and feathers falling in perfect vacuums, even that rare beast electricity sprinting up and down on its coils. Apparently, the scientists were trying to control it enough to power homes from some centralized factory. Starlight wished them luck. Magic-powered generators had been a part of Equestrian civilization for hundreds of years, and it would take no small effort to restructure the infrastructure of the nation, even if they managed to harness the lightning.

There were a few other experiments that caught her eye. “Minuette.”

“Hm?”

“What are they doing with those cats?”

“The ones in the boxes? Seeing if they’re alive or dead. Or a living dead hybrid cat.”

One of the scientists opened the third box in the row, then stepped back in shock. “It’s gone! The cat has vanished!”

“So has this one!”

“They’re all gone!”

“We’re doomed! Doomed!”

The scientists in that lab all began running around in little circles, wailing and gnashing their teeth. “No,” said Starlight. “The ones over there.”

“Oh,” Minuette said, following Starlight’s pointing hoof. “They’re seeing if cats behave more like a liquid or a solid.”

One scientist held up a pitcher containing a cat. He then poured it out into a line of glasses. Somehow, impossibly, the cat managed to sit in every one of the glasses at the same time. “...Wow,” Starlight said, blinking. “That is… a thing that happened. But uh, what is the point exactly?”

All motion stopped. The eyes of every scientist were on Starlight. The ones who had been screaming and running in circles continued to scream and run in circles, but while quickly twisting their heads from side to side so as to stare continually at the unicorn. Somewhere, off in the distance, a cat hissed ominously.

“Uh…” Starlight said, nervously stepping back. “...That’s what an idiot would say! Science for science’s sake is the way of the future!”

The scientists relaxed and turned back to their experiments. The ones running in circles and screaming continued to do so, but with a gleam of pride and triumph in their eyes. The unseen cat purred, content.

“Really, though,” Starlight continued in an undertone as they passed by a pony watching as various individuals slipped on banana peels, “what is the point of all this? I just don’t get it. There are so many practical problems that physics could solve. Why are you measuring the coefficient of friction between banana peels and pony hooves?”

“You’d be surprised the sort of applications these ‘silly’ experiments can have,” Minuette said, a tad sharply. “Look over there.”

Starlight looked. A pair of stallions, one with a cutie mark of a curling wave and the other with a sort of ripple stood at a table, deep in discussion. “About a year ago, they published their findings on what happens when a unicorn walks while levitating a cup of coffee. That led to a change in the production of coffee cups, with a practical result of a seventeen-percent reduction in hospital visits due to hot coffee spills.

“And that mare over there--” she pointed to an orange earth pony watching the banana peel observer with mild interest. “She discovered that you can avoid slipping on ice by wearing socks.”

“Really?” Starlight looked interested. “That is useful. I wonder why I never heard that…”

“I expect that’s because it only works if the socks are dry,” Lemon put in. “And if you’re walking through snow and ice…”

“They don’t stay dry for long.” Starlight frowned. “That’s a little useless, then.”

Minuette looked slightly put out. “Well, for now it is. But you just wait until somepony invents waterproof socks!”

Lemon looked a bit thoughtful at that. “Gosh, that sounds like it would be a really hot bit of swimwear.”

Minuette went rather pink at that. “Lemon!” she hissed, scandalized.

“Have you done any research into why socks are meant to be so sexy?” Lyra asked. “That’s a piece of psychology I wouldn’t mind hearing.”

A passing astrophysicist observed Minuette’s face shifting from blue to red and took it as evidence that the universe was expanding. “Can we not have this conversation in front of my colleagues?” she squeaked.

There was a vague murmuring that most of Minuette’s colleagues agreed with Lyra, actually. “I never understood it myself,” Lemon admitted. “I mean, we’re wearing more clothes than we usually are in our daily lives.”

Minuette let out something between a wail and a sob, then tore out of the room, causing a gaggle of theoretical physicists to question the notion that light was the fastest thing in the universe.

***

In actual fact, light wasn’t the fastest thing in the universe. Not by a long chalk. Thought had it beaten; it might take over four years to travel to the star nearest Equestria’s own, but thought can get to Proxima Chiron, loop back around, and get back to your brain in the same instant you think of it. Nobility is also a strong contender. Nobles themselves are not, as a rule, very quick, being fat with the gains of an ill-spent life and far too much to drink. Titles, however, can pass from pony to pony even at the instant of death. However, even these two giants of the speed world come a distant second and third to the speed of rumor. Scarcely an hour had passed after the Archchancellor had adjourned the general meeting, and already the campus was abuzz with hot gossip about plagiarized papers, perilous plots, and perfidiously purloining professors. There was no mention of Common Divisor. The Dean of Academic Honesty had remained true to their title and kept their pledge to the disgraced mathematician.

The juicy goss flowing freely around campus could almost certainly never be traced back to its source by conventional means. And nopony would dare to accuse any of the senior professors in attendance at the meeting of spreading the rumors, not without some serious evidence to back up their claims.

Of course, all the professors knew exactly who was to blame. Still, even senior professors hesitated to confront their fellows on suspicion alone; even such an unpopular stallion as Fractal Path had the ability to make their enemies’ lives miserable, and he was more than petty and vengeful enough to do exactly that. From his office, Professor Path himself observed the students and professors passing below his window, a callous sneer on his lips. “It seems that my plan is proceeding exactly as I’d hoped,” he mused aloud. “Tell me, Nocan, are there any ponies on staff more brilliant than I?”

From his seat by the door, Dr. Neighsay sighed. “No,” he said sullenly. He didn’t honestly know why he was still friends with Fractal Path. He was an imbecile, a tribalist, and thoroughly convinced of his own genius to boot. Unfortunately, given Neighsay’s special talent for contradicting anything and everything asked of him, his coworkers weren’t exactly lining up around the block to invite him for drinks.

So, he was stuck with Fractal. The only one of his peers that actually seemed to want him around, if only to build up his own ego. The other unicorn turned away from the window, sharply tugging the blinds shut. “So, Neighsay. Do you know why I have begun this little spread of gossip?”

“No,” said Neighsay. This was quite true, though he could hazard a guess. “Was it--”

“To undermine that-- Foxfire’s-- authority!” Fractal thundered. “Who does she think she is, coming in here with her insulting ideas and hornless head?”

“I suspect she thinks she’s the new Archchancellor,” Nocan said, his voice like cloth on dry glass. “With a frankly magnificent beard.”

Fractal ran a hoof across his own trim beard, scowling at it. “I will not be disrespected, Neighsay.”

“No.”

“She does not know this university like I do!”

“No.”

“She does not have the same respect I do.”

“No. She has considerably more.”

“Shut up, Neighsay.”

“Shan’t.”

Fractal glowered. “Look. I intend to see that meddlesome hussy out on her backside before the week is out, and you will have no part in it.”

“No.” Nocan paused, then frowned. “Wait, what?”

“Ah, you do want a part to play after all! Excellent, I believe I may have a little job for you…”

Nocan groaned, but Fractal continued, undeterred. “There is to be a famous unicorn scholar arriving today to visit the university, one who has been vouched for by the Bearers of Harmony and even a Princess. You must arrange for that scholar to be at the Oscillating Quark in time for them to be affected by the Dean’s bust. The scandal will be immense, and force the Archchancellor to resign in disgrace. Is that the perfect plan or is that the perfect plan?”

Nocan went slightly crosseyed as he tried to parse how to disagree with that. While he was distracted, Fractal went on talking. “Then, you can testify against her at her hearing-- your brother is still a part of the EAA, correct? That should boost your credibility. Can you see any way that plan can fail?”

Nocan sighed. “No,” he grumbled, forced by his mark to lie through his teeth. “Who is this scholar, anyway?”

***

A stallion entered Canterlot Station’s most popular Queequeg’s Coffee Shop. Whole Latte knew that it wasn’t the largest, or the oldest Queequeg’s there. But when students really needed a pick-me-up during finals or after a full night of partying and getting drunk before their big exam, they would come to him and ask for a Whole Latte coffee. Latte knew most of CMA’s student and staff by heart, but this guy coming in? He was new in town. So, he put on his biggest, brightest smile under his trendy and stylish moustache.

“Good afternoon, sir! What can I get for you today? Can I interest you in our sixty-nine flavors of mochiatto? We carry them in sizes medium, large, grande, venti, centi, and infinito.”

The newcomer adjusted his spectacles and peered up at the menu. “I think I’ll have a latte e miele tea--”

Latte set his jaw. “Tea?”

The interloper looked startled. “Er, yes. If you’re out, I suppose I could--”

“It’s in stock,” Latte said frostily.

“Er, yes. Well, one of those and a chocolate biscuit, please.”

“Fine. Name?”

“Er, yes, it’s--”

“Not important. You’re the only pony who actually ordered tea. Celestia, you’re so pretentious with your damn leaf water. I bet you think all us coffee drinkers are helpless addicts huh?”

The interloper stumbled back, shocked. “No, not at all! I just--”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“I-- no, but I would say that you seem to be the sort of person who jumps to a lot of conclusions.”

Latte slid the cup of cursed leaf liquid down the counter and the biscuit immediately after. He took perverse pleasure in watching the interloper grab at them desperately, forgetting that he had a horn. “Er, how much is that?”

Latte named a figure. The leaf-guzzling interloper went quite pale, but fished out the required bits. “Ha-have a nice day.”

“I hope you spill your tea into your lap.”

Some ponies really had no sense of decency, Latte reflected as he watched the interloper hurry out of the shop, cape flying out behind him.

Sunburst looked back, his tea and biscuit still clutched tightly in his magic. He had only been in Canterlot for ten minutes, and already he wanted to go back to the Crystal Empire. Nevertheless, he had work to do. So, he straightened his glasses, took a sip of his tea, and moved off towards the Canterlot Magical Academy.

Author's Note:

Again, I am not a physicist, I just watch a lot of Doctor Who. Here are a series of links to the studies referenced in this chapter.
Cats (On page 16 of the PDF)
Banana Peel