In the land of Equestria, the Wrath of Achilles comes. Sing, O Muse, of that rage that sent so many souls down to the dreary House of Death. Sing to me, O Muse! of the wrath that brought Ponykind to its knees.
9173421 well, if it were up to me, my main character noah would be voiced by josh keaton. our little bat pony double spy would be voiced by Zosia Mamet. the rest of my oc's i haven't thought that much. if you have suggestions feel free to tell me.
I'm enjoying this story, but a lot of the decisions in this story feel like they're throwing Noah into the deep end.
First, a couple of Unicorns use a ridiculously powerful, dangerous spell on a human that they don't know is really powerful. They only know that he's very good at dodging.
Then, they set him up to fight a seasoned pit-fighter manticore as his first opponent, before testing him out with weaker opponents.
They move the story forward (a bit too quickly) and give Noah a chance to show off, but these just aren't decisions that the villains in this story would make. I recommend trying to look at what you want the characters to do from several perspectives to see if they make good sense, or at least explaining why they might do that thing by having that character explain themselves from their own perspective.
You're not doing a bad job with the story, but you could improve.
9173912 thanks for the advice and you are right. i will work on it moving forward but if you're curious i guess that what i was trying to do was show, throughout the chapters, that noah is by far the most unlucky demigod there is, by having over the top situations constantly happening to him at once. i gave you guys a glimpse of this in the flashback with the minotaur in which noah had to fight a giant monster alone, while injured, while also carrying an unconscious and near death brother. this won't be explained until a little more further into the sotoy but the gist is that the cost of being the strongest demigod in his world, the cost of power, is the loss of good fortune and even happiness in his life. this will be elaborated in the future through flashbacks but that is the reason things move and react the way the do to him in equestria. the ridiculously powerful spell, the manticore and even the temporary loss of his voice are all the universe's way of keeping balance with such an op character (the voice is a little different though). that as my initial thought going into the chapters but that is no excuse to move thing in a fast and illogical way to the story. i will try to correct this moving forward. again, thanks for the comment. this corrections help me move forward as a writer.
It hasn't been the first time he has done this too. Being captain of the royal guard for so long has trained him to awake ,or remain awake, at any time of the day, as a standard part of his training. Waking himself up just to keep his beloved company was way more easy to do. His unkempt blue mane moved with the cold morning wind, creating such an alluring scene for her to gaze at that she had to fight down the urge of pouncing at him and claiming him right there and then. She really was wrong in the head, wasn't she?
Chapter was good, but a lot of grammatical errors such as spacing and you keep forgetting to use upper case letters.
PM me if you need an editor. I'm willing to help on my spare time.
Wow
I really need more please
If he is one of those who lets himself be carried away, he can give very interesting and funny situations.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
9173421
well, if it were up to me, my main character noah would be voiced by josh keaton.
our little bat pony double spy would be voiced by Zosia Mamet.
the rest of my oc's i haven't thought that much. if you have suggestions feel free to tell me.
I'm enjoying this story, but a lot of the decisions in this story feel like they're throwing Noah into the deep end.
First, a couple of Unicorns use a ridiculously powerful, dangerous spell on a human that they don't know is really powerful. They only know that he's very good at dodging.
Then, they set him up to fight a seasoned pit-fighter manticore as his first opponent, before testing him out with weaker opponents.
They move the story forward (a bit too quickly) and give Noah a chance to show off, but these just aren't decisions that the villains in this story would make. I recommend trying to look at what you want the characters to do from several perspectives to see if they make good sense, or at least explaining why they might do that thing by having that character explain themselves from their own perspective.
You're not doing a bad job with the story, but you could improve.
Good luck with classes btw.
9173912
thanks for the advice and you are right. i will work on it moving forward but if you're curious i guess that what i was trying to do was show, throughout the chapters, that noah is by far the most unlucky demigod there is, by having over the top situations constantly happening to him at once. i gave you guys a glimpse of this in the flashback with the minotaur in which noah had to fight a giant monster alone, while injured, while also carrying an unconscious and near death brother. this won't be explained until a little more further into the sotoy but the gist is that the cost of being the strongest demigod in his world, the cost of power, is the loss of good fortune and even happiness in his life. this will be elaborated in the future through flashbacks but that is the reason things move and react the way the do to him in equestria. the ridiculously powerful spell, the manticore and even the temporary loss of his voice are all the universe's way of keeping balance with such an op character (the voice is a little different though).
that as my initial thought going into the chapters but that is no excuse to move thing in a fast and illogical way to the story. i will try to correct this moving forward.
again, thanks for the comment. this corrections help me move forward as a writer.
MOAR MOAR MOAR
I don't like her already
9230492
really? why do you say that?
9230710
ohhh you meant the boss-man....sorry. that may have been a slip-up on my part.
9230713
She's way too... What's the word?...
Overprotective
9230710
Ok
9232272
oh that...that is actually plot driven.good that you cought on it! that will be explained further down the story.
9232764
Well good for me then. I hope a new chapter will be released soon!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpx5u1Ua-ZM
you understand the idea
9257151
Yes