No. Not there. She's not on the moon.

by waste

inside

She would stilt forward. A weight or a burden held behind her, herself wading forward into a forest hollowed out with the rain. The sound of it spilt out, replacing a silence that should’ve stalked the forest. The drops slide off. She adjusts the load carried. The canvas is wrapped around something heavy. The face of her dwindled into a determined smile, tired lines and smile lines fighting for the face. The silhouette trudges heavily. Hands lifted upwards to wipe off sweat and that was that.

She moves in a straight line. A remembered path forged through the storm, a memory of her son and Luna waiting. Thickened air layered on to the greyness she would see. The storm is sheets of water that would steal strength from her, water flowing out from pores washing away thoughts of warmth. The world drags her down in hands of water.
An hour of this.

The world shrivelled into clearer skies. The rain slackens. Only slightly. She would thank god. Maybe he followed her to this world. Maybe he was here all along. Where would god live? God wouldn’t live in the forest or the leaves and the water that pulsed out. He’d occupy the charred space common to all of life, faded and tearing. He was lost somewhere in the meaning of it. What meaning? No one will know. The meaning of thanking someone, maybe the meaning of gratitude. Something shaped like hope or the smell of it. She finds a cave, the mouth littered in containers filled with water. She imagines her son and Luna in the cave. She thanks god again.

Two heads rise. Eating a packaged cake shared between them, they would stare upwards at her. She would move the shotgun in a left-handed grip. She drags the canvas in and the heavy thing nested inside. Dragged in and then there was nothing left to be done. The pair in the cave share worried stares, both have crumbs on their faces, both are silent. Allotments of crumbs formed.

“How did you two start looking the same” she said.
The world drowned in faded packets of light crippled by rain. Words left in the blue silence.
“Are you angry about the cake Elle?”
“Why would I be? I’m just a little amused. For a few seconds you both looked really like each other”
“But I’m not exactly shaped like your son. I mean Hayden. I’m not shaped like Hayden”
“I know. Hayden come here”

He would detach himself from Luna and attach himself to his mother. Wordlessly they’d hold each other. Somewhere soon the sun’s light might reach them. The mother mumbles out in Cantonese and Hayden nods silently. “You’re cold” he’d mutter then stroke her arms. Small arms, pale flesh all of it stretched. When he’d finish the rain clouds would return. Greyness and blackness occupied the outside, rain roaring through air. Falling. Fallen.

Luna unwarps the canvas. A dry length of wood. Luna stares unwilling to believe. She looks all around the cave. Runs a hoof over a surface dry and starved. He hoof would hover. Eyes confused. Blinks. No magic trick here Luna.

“I found a fallen tree. It was leaning on another; I hacked away at the dry part. I managed to find that this had crumpled out. It’s still slightly wet so I put some of the driest parts in my flask. As tinder.”
“Thank you Elle”
“For what?”

Luna remains silent. The mother would divide the length of rotting wood. She’d place tinder in the centre. Adds a splash of gasoline to the damp log. Her lighter flicks open, the sound of metal colliding then pealing outwards. The brevity of the flame.

But the lighter isn’t hers it’s his. She thought of a time spent in winter with him. His smile flashed out on floods and flows of snow. He had coaxed a fire to life in the cold Michigan exposure. The lighter amidst his gloved fingers. She had her arms around him. When he finished he held her hands. A hidden language was between their touch. He leaned into her and told her how to start a fire. She had held him tighter. A breath between coiled bones and her grip. Only love.

The tinder would burn. Her thoughts charred and crisped like the tinder cradled to the ground. Slowly emerging fire from shoves of red or yellow. The end of her waking dream. Dried mass of wood slowly and softly moving to reddened coarseness. Fire engulfing. They crowd closer to the fire. To force dryness into wet bones and wet clothes.

Hayden and Luna whisper. Luna reaches into supplies and takes out another packaged cake. The mother takes it smiling. Fingers would snap out and unfold the packaging. She would enjoy the taste of it next to the frail fire and Hayden would smile again. Luna is content simply to see him smile. But her face is fallen.

“Your son. Hayden”
“Yes. What about Hayden?”
“He’s absolute”
“What?”
“He’s special”
“Yes”
“He’s perfect”
“Sometimes he is. He’s a good boy.”
“He’s too good. Too good for this place. When I was with him in the cave I thought of him as some treasure, a wonder of the world I missed out on. Or left behind. I just can’t believe he’s here. He’s so tiny, so young.”
“You’ve never seen a child”
“I’ve seen them from a distance”
“Why only from a distance?”
“Others hold a dislike towards me. I know so. Only a very few ponies are faithful to me and none of them are children”
“You’re not a mother”
“No. Never had one either”
“I’m sorry”
“Sorry for me?”
“No. Sorry that the world is like this”
“That’s just the way it is”
“Hmm”
“Pardon Elle?”
“It sounds wrong”
“What would sound wrong?”
“What you said about the world being the way it is Luna. It sounds like you’ve given up”
“So?”
“I don’t know”

Elle would finish the cake; wipe out crumbs from her face. The smell of sweat and dirt clings to them. The cave flush in their stench. She strokes down creases made in her top and when she does there isn’t dampness. Her son stares at smoke rising or embers falling. Strange cascades of heated red and choked smog.

“I’m not on the moon am I?”
“No. You’re not there.”

Luna shuffles in her restlessness. Elle would watch as Luna tries to talk. She’d put a hoof through her mane. She’d open her mouth and nothing would come out. She’d let her vision flicker on the water stranded in the air.

“This is wrong”
“Talkative today Luna?”
“I’m sorry but this is wrong”
“What’s wrong?”
“This. All of it”
“Did we do something wrong?”
“No . You need to take Hayden and get away from me”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not safe. Nothing here is safe. Nothing here is good enough. Hayden needs to be away from this”
“He’s strong, he has a good heart”
“But that’s not the point”

Hayden hides behind his mother. Pleading eyes fixed in his face. Luna would smoulder in things unfelt. Memories torn and spat at.

“Why do you think we’re here?”
“I don’t care. You need to take Hayden back.”
“I can’t. I was sent here to help you”
“Un-send yourself. I have no care who or how, but Hayden shouldn’t be here”
“Don’t you think we left for a reason as well? Don’t you think that there is more to this then you? Don’t you think about others?”
“Just go”
“You don’t know why we’ve come here. You don’t know anything”

What is Luna’s voice now? Something tight mouthed and pinched. Sentences hissed out between teeth or clenched jaws. Raspy.

“I don’t know. I don’t know? I know nothing. I don’t know how to think. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to understand others. I can’t paint, I can’t work, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I know this. This world will drag Hayden down. He can’t grow here. He’ll die here Elle. If not in body then in mind.”

“I have to stay with you. I made a promise to take you to your sister and I will. We need to run from the ones chasing us, and this is the price for it. The risk. I’m not following you out of impulse. I do it for a reason Luna. If you can stop feeling sorry for yourself you can see it”

Luna now choking. A voice cracked into hoarseness. Sounds abandoned in the cave then lost out in the rain. So hurt. So serious.

“Tell me why I had to do it then!”

She screams out. In defiance or surrender. Thoughts and ideas stolen then spoken from the secret parts of herself. A voice frayed on the edges of sanity. Distant thuds of rain would move as if giant beasts of umbra.

“Tell me why we can tell ourselves that everything wrong is suddenly right? Can you see a reason? I can’t. Maybe the reason is I’m evil. No excuses. Nothing else just evil. Right to the core or the heart of me. If you could look at me heart you can see I filled it with nothing. Can you see Hayden? There is nothing in my heart and that is a kind of evil in itself. Only I can know these things and do these things”

Hysterical. Pent up and let out. Luna’s failing to speak now. Words trip over themselves. She remembers when she tried talking to anyone about discord. She was always ignored. Even Celestia. She remembered breaking mirrors. Panting with broken hooves cradled. Her sin broke through the surface and she had found herself screaming again. There was only the night and pain to give her company. It was the only company she had to choose. Nothing left to trust.

“What did you do? Luna. Tell me what happened. Tell me.”
“We led him outside the castle”
“And then?”
“We challenged him. He didn’t understand. He just looked confused. He asked why. We told him that too many were suffering. His chaos is killing us. Why couldn’t he listen? Why didn’t he say something? He stood there silent. He turned his back to us and drank his chocolate milk. Can you imagine that? He turned his damned back on us with chocolate milk. Celestia said do it and I did what I was told. That was the last time I used the elements of harmony.”

She’s speaking in a flurry now. Panicked and unrelenting it rushes out. Her face crumpled into regret and then shaking. Slowly and now quickly. She’s shuddering and stammering, staring outwards. Trembling in her flesh, trembling because of things lost. She sounds like a lunatic. Dangerous.

“He vanished and there was nothing left of him. I searched and there was nothing. I killed discord. Can’t you see? I killed him. I killed him. I murdered him and he’s gone. He’s gone. I want to find him. I want to talk. He’s gone though, he’s gone.”

Her voice would never balance out. This is the strange thing, that her voice is lower and lower. Quiet nightmares departed from her mouth. Her head slowly shaking left to right. The body of Luna rocking back and forth. The light is no kindness because in them tears can be seen gliding. Ending on the edge of her face. Falling Silent.

“He was everything and now he’s dead. I was so angry at him. But he’s dead. He’s gone. He’s gone and I need him to forgive me. I need him. It’s bad. It’s bad and I need him. Please. I need you discord. Please. Please. I need to go. I need to. I have to go. I have to see him. I have to. Please let me go. I need to see him. Please. I need to see him. I need him”

These words are said so softly. Made of nothingness then echoing of the walls of this cave. Can you see Luna? I know you can. You can see her weeping now. She would struggle toward the mouth of the cave and the only thing stopping her is streams of light. Her body curled into herself. Her body thundering and shaking, tears bled on the cave's floor. Such silenced anguish. She stays at the mouth and none can see her face. She’s sobbing and there’s nothing we can do.

Elle would move toward Luna. When she reaches Luna her arms slowly rise towards her and hold Luna in place. In-between gulps of air the pony would say no. She resists Elle’s hold. “No” she said. But Luna relents and she falls apart while Elle would hold her. She’s just aching in her arms now. An armful of everything she is.

Feel free to comment. Things will get worse

Comments

[Tralfaz0326]

She sounds like a lunatic.

a lunatic. A Luna - tic. Get it?

Ugg I'm horrible.