Body Guard

by CrimsonNight1

A Few To Many

Saturday 2019 August 10
NASA R&D
10:38 AM

"Hey Ass-Butt, what you doin' tonight?"

"Rick, I told you not to call me that."

"So what DO I call you?" Asked Rick

"What's wrong with Ken?"

"There's nothing wrong with Ken, it's just..."

"Rick, I swear to God if you finish that sentence with bland, boring, or dull." said Ken as he turned around in his chair, reveling a man with a goatee, of average build, not fat nor overly thin, but a man that a person would just pass by without a second thought. If only they knew that behind those gray eyes with gold flecks, was the mind of a broken genius that had gained so much, but lost five times as much.

"...common." Finished Rick over the wall of their cubical.

"Oh come on, its not that common!" Argued Ken

Looking Ken straight in the eye Rick called out to the rest of the office, "If you know a Ken, other then my cubical neighbor, or are a Ken, speak up!"

"HERE!"

"MARIED TO ONE!"

"I KNOW THREE, DOES THAT COUNT!"

"ALRIGHT!" Shouted Ken, "I GET THE POINT!"

"See what I mean man? You just need something that differentiates you from other Kens." Said Rick as he rested his chin on the wall.

"Fine" Ken conceded with his head in his hands.

"Great!" Celebrated Rick, "Now lets see... We can't use K-Man, sounds like your trying to hard. Umm just K is that guy Tommy Lee Jones played in that movie with all the aliens."

"You mean Men In Black." Said Ken

"No that's not it," said Rick "I don't know man help me out here, its your nickname."

Ken leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling, hands behind his head. "Chief" he said to himself.

"You say somethin'?" Asked Rick

"Ya, couple years back I enlisted in the Navy, made it up to Chief Petty Officer."

"I'm not calling you Chief Petty Officer."

"Oh God no, you'd call me Chief, but I was having to shave 'bout three times a day, so my CO called me Chief Wolf-bane"

"Chief Wolf-bane," said Rick, "I like that."

"So its settled then, no more trying to find me a nickname?" questioned Ken as he sat up enough to look at Rick.

"Ya its settled," said Rick with a snicker, "Wolf-bane."

"That's what you got out of that," laughed Ken, "Wolf-bane?"

"Na just messin' with ya," said Rick, "so you in or out for tonight Chief?"

"Sure, besides someone's got to make sure you don't get into a fight with a brick wall."

"I'm not concerned about the wall, I'm more concerned about what girl I end up in bed with!" Said Rick

"Your joking right?" Asked Ken

"Na Chief, went to bed with a girl few weeks ago, her husband showed up the next morning, just his neck was thicker then my waist."

"Oh for the love of God, I'm NOT saving your ass from waist neck if it comes down to it.”

“Don't worry, I have it all under control.” Rick said as he walked away.

“Oi, what time and bar!” Ken shouted after Rick

“Alright Navy boy,” Rick called over his shoulder, “8:30, the bar at the corner of 8^th west and center! Bring a cab!”

Sunday 2019 August 11
4:26 AM

“Rick, I need a dringk.” slurred Ken as he stumbled out of the cab and to his home. With Rick right on his tail.

“Hey buddy,” Rick whispered to the cab driver, “$50 if you help me get him inside?”

“Plus the meter?”

“Deal” Agreed Rick as he rapped Kens arm around his shoulder, “Sorry Chief, but I think you've had enough to drink for a while.”

“Oh nonshense, Ricky I've juhst started.” said Ken as his other arm went around the cab drivers shoulder, “Ohhh I want a Lime Ricky now.”

“Chief, you ran up a tab over $300!” said Rick

“Did nhot!”

“Chief, I hate to do this to you but, if you don't go to bed when, sorry whats your name?”

“Mike” responded the cab driver.

“Right, when Mike and I put you in bed I WILL make sure that every speaker in your house and car Rick-Rolls you for the next MONTH!” Protested Rick as he and Mike carried the living liquor store.

“You wouldn't dare.” Ken said with the most sober glare a martini olive that has been left in a glass of 800 prof vodka could manage.

“Its not about weather I dare or not,” said Rick with a smirk knowing that he had Ken cornered, “its weather you're willing to take the chance.”

With no further argument Ken gave a final retort of, “Fine, BUT you're paying the cab driver.” Rick and Mike carried Ken to bed were he proceeded to pass out for the night. With Ken fast asleep on his bed, Rick payed Mike and crashed on the couch.

---

About 45 minutes later Rick woke to the sound of a slow and low rumble. Wondering what it was Rick soon found himself outside Kens bedroom where the rumbling was getting louder and stronger, like the sound of 1000 jackhammers pounding on a bell whit him in it. As Rick reached for the door knob there was a blinding flash that made him shield his eyes, and with a mighty WHOOM to rival a Blue Angle low altitude fly-by, Rick was thrown across the hall into the wall on the other side of the hall to fall unconscious.

“...uddy, hey, still with us? Look don't try to move, you've got a piece of wood where your appendix should be.”

“Ken?” said Rick as he started to come-to.

“Sorry pal, I'm the EMT the neighbors called after the explosion. Look just hold still and don't talk,” said the EMT, “I NEED A GERNY BACK HERE! Now, let's see what we can do about getting you to the hospital.”

All Rick could do was nod as everything started to go black again.

“Hey, stay with me, no going back to sleep you here me! God damn it WHERE'S THAT GE...”

Equestra, Castle of Friendship
Unknown date 1:38PM

“Come on Twilight, it's almost time for lunch with the Princesses.” said Spike, a purple dragon with a green underbelly, as he tried to get a certain Princess of Friendships nose out of a book... again.

“WHAT!” yelled Twilight Sparkle, a lavender mare with a dark purple mane with pink and purple highlights, “You could have told me sooner Spike!”

“I've been trying to tell you for the past two hours.”

“... What time is it?” said a shocked Twilight

“About 1:40.”

“Oh no... That gives us twenty minutes to get the castle ready!”

“Twilight”

“We have to get everything ready!” panicked Twilight as she ran through the halls to the dining hall.

“Twilight” deadpanned Spike from Twilight's back.

“We don't have time for this Spike,” said Twilight as she burst through the door, “we have to get... Ready.”

“Twilight, we are ready, all we need is the food.” said Spike as he sniffed the air, “Ugh, and you need a shower.”

“I do not... Spike what's that smell?” asked Twilight with her nose wrinkled to the point that it looked like she smelled the back end of a dead skunk that had been sitting out in the hot sun for two weeks.

“That would be you.” Spike called from the kitchen taking inventory. “And we don't have enough food for lunch for four!”

“Give me ten minutes in the shower, then we will figure something out.” called Twilight as she made her way to the bathroom. While on her way to the shower there was a knock on the door.

“I got it!” called Spike as he scurried to the door.

“Greetings young Spike!”

“Hello Spike, always nice to see you.”

“Hi Spike!”

“TWILIGHT, BETTER MAKE IT A TWO MINUTE SHOWER!” yelled Spike

“Long study session again?” asked Cadence, a pink mare with a dark pink, purple, and yellow mane and tail, niece of Princess Celestia, and the princess of love.

“Almost three days.” said Spike

“Three days!” exclaimed Luna, a dark blue mare with a mane and tail that shone with the stars of the night sky that floated in a nonexistent breeze, princess of the night, and controller of the moon, “Sister what do you have her working on?”

“Nothing Luna,” responded Celestia, a snow white mare with a pastel purple, green and blue mane and tail that also floated in a nonexistent breeze, princess of the day and controller of the sun, “I haven't given her anything of the sort seance Starswirls old journal. Any ideas Spike?”

“If it intrigues you that much,” said a freshly showered Twilight as she walked down the hall, “We can discus it over lunch, I just hope that Prench restaurant isn't going to make me throw the Princess of Friendship card.”

“Twilight, how about some nice heyburgers.” suggested Celestia

“Oh that sounds good.” said Cadence, “We don't have any hayburgers in the Crystal Empire.”

“Pray tell,” asked Luna, “what is this, heyburger, you speak of?”

“They're these...”

“Spike,”

“Yes Twilight?”

“Don't ruin the surprise.”

“Yes Twilight.”

“So does everypony, except Luna, know what the want.”

“Yup!”

“Ready!”

“Spike?”

“Ready.”

“I'll have my usual.”

“Right, two double hayburgers with cheese.” said Spike as he scribbled it down, “Hayfries or onion rings?”

“Hayfries”

“Cadence?”

“Do they still have that spicy one?”

“The one with the Dragon Pepper sauce? I think so.”

“I'll have that with extra sauce, and sauce on the side.” said Cadence as the rest of the group just stared at her with a look of concern. “What, Shining and I have been trying to spice things up a bit.”

“Spike, get the mind bleach, the LAST thing I needed to hear was that.”

“Sorry Twilight, we used the last of it after we stumbled on Snips and Snails...”

“BACK TO THE ORDERS SPIKE!!”

“Right sorry, umm h-hayfries or onion rings with your death sentence on a bun?”

“Lets try the onion rings Spike.”

“Alright, that just leaves Princesses Celestia and Luna.” said Spike shaking his head from the last order. “What will it be?”

“I'll have the...”

WHOOMB!!!

They all dropped the the ground, windows rattling, chandlers swaying side to side for what felt like hours but was no longer then seconds.

“SWEET MOTHER OF ME WHAT WAS THAT?!” screamed Celestia over the ringing in her ears.

“WHAT?!”

“HUGH?!”

“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THE YELLING!? I SWEAR TO GOD RICK, IF YOU BROUGHT HOOKERS INTO MY HOUSE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND ME THIS HUNGOVER AGAIN THOSE HOOKERS ARE GONNA BE THE WRONG GENDER FOR YOU!!” came an echoing voice from down one of the halls.

“Spike”

“Yes Twilight?”

“Go to Rarity's.”

“What about lunch?” asked Cadence

“Right, Spike go hide in your secret comic room.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!! RICK YOU BETTER HAVE A FUCKING BIG POT OF COFFEE!”

“Stay there until I come and get you, or Princess Celestia sends you a letter saying that it's safe. Cadence go with him.”

“Don't have to tell me twice Twilight.”

“What about us Twilight?” asked Luna

“Well, you know how to make the best cup of coffee I've ever had.” said Celestia with a smirk.

“And you, dear sister, know some of the best hangover cures I've ever heard of, what's your point?” said Luna with a flat face.

“Now wait just a minute,” protested Twilight, “We don't even know what it is!”

“Twilight, it's a male with a bad hangover that's not where he thought he was.” reasoned Celestia, “We'll just have to use generic hangover cure seven.”

“I'll get the coffee and the hot sauce and the grinds.” said Luna as she went to the kitchen.

“RICK, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY HOUSE?!”

“See Twilight, just lost.” said Celestia, “Now, lets go find him, and who knows, he might be quite the stallion.”

“Princess, you sound like my mother.”

“If I wanted to sound like your mother,” chided Celestia, “I would be asking where my grandfoals are.”

With Spike in his not-so-secret comic room and Cadence keeping him company, the two princesses arguing about grandfoals started the search for what made that tremendous explosion while Luna followed behind with a fresh pot of hot sauce spiked coffee, a bag of the coffee grounds used to make it and a bucket. After about twenty minuets of looking in empty rooms they found something they were not expecting, they found a room within a room.

Author's Note:

CONSTRUCTIVE criticism welcome.

Comments

[Xenomorpher]

This chapter is amazing. The comedy is good and it doesn't feel forced, while actually being humorous. I feel that a lot of stories never get that quite right. You on the other hand, nailed it! The overall gramar is great too. Nice work!