Hurricane

by Super Trampoline

Times Like This, I Become Afraid

Author's Note:

I hate myself.

I fucking hate myself.

Fucking shitty pony, you know.

Do you know what a tragedy is?

Tragedy isn't a bunch of bad shit happening. That's just life.

Tragedy is when you, eh, yeah, when, uh, somepony--anypony--when, when they think they got their shit together. When they almost got all their shit together, like, like they're actually gonna get somewhere. You know, success, that elusive bitch? Yeah. That's tragedy. When you're so fucking close an' it all just fucking comes down. Just all crashes down.

You want a tragedy? You're looking at one.

I'm a fucking tragedy. Classic. Archetype. Ur example or paragon or what fucking shit you wanna call that, that's me.

Look, sometimes the tragedy is beyond the character's control. 'Cause, you know, we're all just fucking characters in this fucking shitshow called life.

But nah, not me. I wish I could blame this T-head of a Fubar has-been on my circumstances. I wish I could raise hades and curse the elements and all the forces conspiring to fuck me over up the ass 'til I'm bleeding. But that'd be too easy. I ain't got nobody to blame for this.

The only fuckup here is me.

I'm the hurricane.

Yeah, yeah, another scotch.

---

You ever read those Ponecean stories, those old ones, you mighta learned in class or some shit if you went to college? You know all those classic tales about heroes being pretty fucking great and then turning around and fucking that all up? You read those? You know what fucks them up? Well, I mean the gods half the time, but let's, let's put that aside. You know how these pones fuck up? It's their ego. It's their Faust-damned ego every fucking single sleeting time. It's ego. That's what gets them. And that's what makes it the tragedy. They're, they're, just, they're just so fucking close to greatness--maybe, fuck, you maybe they've even attained it. They're right fucking there. And then they throw it all away, because they got too fucking full of themselves. Threw it all away cause they can't stop wanking off to they're greatness for one flipping second. They're proud, buddy. It's pride. Pride cometh before the fall, and those that weave our lives decided that that was gonna be me. Except it didn't have to be. I didn't have to be this way. I ain't gonna go blame no fucking imaginary ponies in the sky for my own shit. It's me. I'm the fuckup; I'm the hubric piece of shitfall; I'm the only one here to blame. I flew too high, and you know how those wax unicorn wings always end up, they fucking melt when you get too close too the sun.

Well, old stall, I fucking fell and drowned in my own ocean of stuck up shit. Fuck, me, right. Fuck fuck fuck Fuck FUCK!

FUCK!

Cadance save me, I cuss a lot. Heavens, you know why? I'm fucking mad! I fucking hate myself! Fuck! I hate myself, because I'm a self-made tragedy. I fell into that ocean and i sucked up its shit--I-I fucking just sluuuurp sucked up all the shit, all the ocean shit in the shit ocean I, I shat, a-a-and I made it a fucking hurricane. And that's where I stand, a hurricane.

You've flown through hurricanes, yeah? Yeah! Pretty cool if you're not a total soft feather who bitches out. Sorry, sorry. See, s-s-see there I go; there I go, being a bitchy cunt again. Told you, unlikeable mess. Total, total unfuckinglikeable cunt of a pony. But, uh, b-but you've flown through hurricanes. Well I've started them, bud. I've started a lot of them. I'm not talking about my life for once. I've spawned many a cyclone; I mean, fuck, I uh, I I'm gonna go with the, with the braggard thing, the whole pride thing again just just, b-b-beer, uh bear with me. J-just bear with me. I, I'm I mean, fuck I-I-I'll tell you right now, I'm fucking amazing with wind. With all the fucking weather. Goddess-damned legend. But fuck, I, I was saying. Fuck, the winds, stall. You know how it works. You get, uh, you, you-you got all the crazy air currents, the currents, a-a-and, and uh, pressure dip--pressure dick, fuck! Uhhhh, di-di-di-differ-fer-fer...entials! P-pressure differentials, and all that crazy shit all that fucking shit all get together, all get it together all at once. All at once, and, heh, a-and it's, you know, it's, it's pretty neat once you learn how it works. And, and you know, again, you know, I'm fucking smart. I'm just real fucking smart, w-w-which makes, it makes this all just that much worse just, aaaall so worse, you, you know, because I'm so fucking aware, goddess, s-so just so awire of what a patchy dickwad I am. Fuck, real, real dickwad. Only, ha! Ooonly the best of d-d-dickwards, best of dickwads here. Heh, fuck me, right? Fucking, fucking child, fucking child prog-prop... uh... proditty, who, who can do everything, everything! Queen, yeah, fucking qu-queen of the world! And what do I end up doing? T-t-tell me, come on! Tell me! Tell me what the fuck I do. Barmaid, tell me w-w-what I do! You, you know? You kn-know, you know what I, what I do? I fucking, fuck, I fucking sit here, just, j-just sit her, drinking my al...drinking my, my, my, my alcohulk... hawk...fuck, my fucking drunk-fuck ass off laying my Faustfucking life st-story d-d-down on some random, some-so-some random fucking pony who has to, to, to list, to listen to me bitch about my shit, just, ju-just bitch about my, my shit for just, just twenty fucking minutes til I'm too gone to fucking care and then you know I'll just go home and shoot up because then I'm fucking happy for a little before I shit it all out in the morning and do it all again. And Cheesy Crust, I'm just rambling about how fucking down I am it's really sad but yeah You see what a divebird I am I can't even stay on fucking topic in my fucking rambling diatribe of fuck. Goddess fucking damn I was talking about Hurricanes. I was getting somewhere. Yeah, yeah I'm not boring you am I sorry sorry I do this all the tartsing time every time it's a different speech I swear to Swift I shoulda become an or... oralator. Nonono. Or...orator. Orator! Hell, maybe I can get my shit together and do the lecture circuit. Motivate speaker, be, be a motivational speaker for all those sad saps like me who kiss ground all the time you know I think I might do that. But fuck I'm getting nowhere afuckinggain I'm so sorry thank you seriously you're a heart's blessed saint for listening to this I swear I don't deserve this but I mean I guess I needed this 'cause I'm not usually this bad but fuck I guess I just needed this tonight but yeah fucking hurricanes that's what I was talking about. Fuck sorry, yeah, yeah, 'nother gin Yeah yeah check came i gotta money no I ain't flaking on the bill yeah okay see I got the fucking money right here ya salty cunt yeah okay I got it look right right okay yeah sorry sorry shouldn't insult the mare getting me booze yeah sorry okay sorry about that anyway yeah as I was saying I'm talking about hurricanes. Yeah, hurricanes. Yeah, that one yeah that's what i was talking about. Yeah, thanks Gess you're a real peach sorry I cunted you yeah I mean I called yeah sorry about the cunt calling earlier anyway yeah I'm gonna tell you about hurricanes. Yeah at last. Ready, good. Goddess, get me your graph extension later so i can wire you a fucking ten bit for listening to this shit. Yeah yeah, I know I'm drunk but I mean it you deserve it yeah definitely do. Okay yeah I'm rambly. Okay. Deep breathes, slow down, slow down. Slow down Lightning.

Okay.

So.

Hurricanes.

Fuck. I forgot what I wash gonna say. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! Of course, of course I fucking do. Real right, really right piss of shit I am.

No, no, I am. Look, look, dude, look old stall, If... if you were--If, if you's in my, in my spot, you, you'd get it. You'd get it, yunno. In my spot.

W-well, yeah, of c-course, of, of course I'm down, I-I-I'm d-down, I'm down on m-my shelf.
Damaged goods, damaged goods and all th-that.

That's eas--that's, that's easy to say for, uh, for you. Yoush never... never been... never in... in... in myyyyyy horseee shoooeeeeeeeessssssa

*thunk*

Comments

[Super Trampoline]

The real tragedy is that she's too fucking drunk to drive home the damn hurricane metaphor.