Part I - Chapter 02 - Bur(de)ned
There is an odd and terrible thing about amusement parks: once you take the amusement out of them, they become surprisingly hostile. Sunset was learning it the hard way. It was as if all the good had been sucked out of the place as if all the joy and happiness had been weaponized and turned against her. Every stimulus was now an assault on her senses… The laughs were too loud, the colours too bright, the smells nauseating, the crowds too thick, the children too rough, the lovers mocking, the parents judging… And yet another part of herself felt none of it. It was as if happiness rejected her inside and out.
It was only the beginning of her trial. The only thing worse than standing in a stupor in the aggressive fun was walking out of it. Despite its clear rejection of Sunset, the park was doing a poor job at helping her leave, seemingly enjoying her misery. The distances stretched out and the shortest path shifted in her memory, forcing her to step back on numerous occasions and to pass through lines of happy people, taunting her further with yet more of that unaccessible bliss. Everything, absolutely everything, was conspiring to make the experience shamingly unending and unendingly shaming. Even reaching the exit was a chore, for crowds of people were still flowing in rather than out.
She swam against the current of people for what felt like hours and then… nothing. She was out. Out of the crowd, out of the noise and the festive flavours… out of everything. The park had spat her out like a flavourless gum. The parking lot was less hostile, but the experience was only marginally better. Now free of the constant aggression, her brain had more time to wonder about the recent fiasco.
This happened more and more often, to the point that the good moments became the exceptions rather than the rule… And no matter how much Sunset tried – and by Celestia’s mane, did she try – it didn’t seem to make things better. It seemed that the more she tried, the bigger it backfired… Maybe this is finally the one thing that you can’t do… I thought you were supposed to be good at this sort of thing. The memories jumbled through her head unbidden, each sharp word mingling with the others to form piercing sentences that cut deep into her soul.
What am I doing wrong? she wondered bitterly as she walk-of-shamed to the bus stop. What am I doing wrong…?
The bus trip was just as lonely and depressing as her escape from the park.
It had been a long time since she’d felt like that. Miserable and helpless. The misery she knew. She had befriended it. Since even before her self-imposed exile, she had travelled with it. She had used it as fuel to drive her forward until its fire consumed her and everything around her. It had been quite some time but misery was nothing new to her.
The helplessness, however… It gnawed at her resolve and will, foiled her plans and tempted her with resignation. And once upon a time, Sunset would have just let it go. She would have abandoned Twilight and Adagio, considered the experiment a failure and moved on. But that was another Sunset. A lesser Sunset. This time… this time she had more to lose than her reputation or power. There was more than her at play… She had to find a solution.
If only I could find what to do… she thought painfully. I’m not even sure what I’m doing wrong…
She reached her home without any more insight. Taking her keys from the bag didn’t help either. Neither did opening the door, roaming toward the bedroom or crashing on the bed. That helped least of all.
She buried her heads in the covers and pulled a pillow over her it. It smelled like Adagio.
The whole house was filled with her presence. Despite being too small for the both of them, it now felt unbearingly empty.
I need to get out of here, she decided.
Electing to do something was the first step. What and where was next. Many options were available, but only one made sense. The phone was in her hand before the thought had pierced the veil of consciousness.
She watched the device with a hint of sadness. She wondered what would happen if she called Adagio or Twilight… She dismissed the thought with a resigned sigh. What use was there to call them when she didn't even know what was wrong? Even if they answered her call, there was nothing she could do or say that could fix things right now.
She ignored the numbers of her girlfriends to focus on another one.
She pressed the green button and waited for Applejack to answer.
✶𝄞☀𝄞✶
Applejack’s couch had grown familiar to Sunset in the past few weeks. She knew most of its irregularities by name now and she was starting to uncover the support under the ruggedness of the mattress. In that aspect, Applejack’s couch was a bit like its owner. After the little fiasco of the Fall Formal, Sunset had gotten the chance to be more formally acquainted with the farm girl’s softest side. And just as the couch, she had discovered that their friendship was nothing if not supportive and reliable.
Sunset, Applejack and her couch were all participating in the making of the dinner. Sunset peeled of the vegetables while Applejack sliced and cooked them. The couch simply offered support.
It was nice and warm. Almost enough for Sunset to forget about her concerns. Almost. But as long as she kept peeling and kept the discussion off of the topic of her girlfriends she would be fine.
“So, what did you do this time?” Applejack asked all of a sudden.
Of course, that was easier said than done with Applejack. Sunset could play dumb. It would probably not work, but she could still try. “What are you talking about?”
Applejack raised an eyebrow at Sunset’s weak rebuttal. “Did you fight with Twi and Adagio again?”
“How did you–”
The eyebrow rose even more, and a knowing smirk came to accompany it. “You’ve got two girls for yourself and you decide to spend your Saturday night with lil’ ol’ me? You either coming onto me or you’ve done goofed up. Besides, you barely talked about them all night.”
“Can I still pretend I’m trying to flirt with you?” Sunset sighed and changed position on the couch. “You’re right. I fucked up today.”
“Happens to you a lot these days,” Applejack poked. “What did you do this time?”
“I’m not sure.” Sunset slouched on the furniture and took another potato to peel letting the skin fell apart on her shirt. “These days things just don’t work and I’m not sure why. Both Twi and Dagi were mad at me and I just… I don’t know what I was supposed to do...”
“What happened today then? I don’t know for Adagio, but Twi’s not the kind of girl who would just get mad over nothing.”
“I know, I know! It’s just…” Sunset deflated into her seat. “Okay here’s the thing. I had a date with Twilight at the amusement park. Everything was fine. It was just perfect. But when Adagio arrived, Twilight suddenly became… cold? angry? I don’t know… but it instantly killed the mood. And Adagio… she didn’t help.” Sunset paused, contemplating the peeled vegetable as if it holds answers or clues about what she’d missed. It had none, so she gave it to Applejack and took another one. “I tried to salvage things... to make it work. And I was hoping they’d help me, you know? But nope. In the end they just both bailed on me…”
Applejack didn’t answer at first, seemingly focused on the cooking. Sunset didn’t press her. Instead, she took another potato and peeled it in silence. “Sunset, you’re sure Twilight is okay with this whole deal with Adagio?”
“Of course she is!”
“Are you sure?”
“Wha–? Yes, I’m sure! What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t know… Maybe Twilight isn’t aware she’s sharing you with her...”
Sunset sprung upward, sending potato skins flying. A flurry of words, each angrier than the last, begged her for a chance to be said. And for an instant, she was tempted to let them out.
Then the instant passed. The anger faded as soon as it had appeared. Sunset took a deep breath. It was a legitimate question, especially considering today’s fiasco. Sunset sunk back into the chair and looked deeply into Applejack’s eyes. There was concern in them. Neither judgement nor malice. Applejack is Twilight’s friend too… she admonished herself. You’d do the same if you were in her shoes. Sunset took a second, deeper breath and slowly answered, without breaking eye contact.
“When Twilight asked me out, the first thing I told her was that I was already in a relationship. I told her it was open. I told her exactly what dating me would entail. I didn’t mislead her. I wouldn’t do that to her.” Memories flooded her. The mix of confusion and hope on Twilight’s face, the way she’d hugged her as if she was her lifeline. “I told her to think about it for a few days and then, if she was still sure we could try to make it work.” Twilight had done so. A week later, she was back and reaffirming her wish to be with her. They had shared their first kiss that night.
“I did the same with Dagi,” Sunset continued. “I told her everything.” Adagio had been surprised, but supportive. In fact, she’d been even more sure about it that Sunset herself. She had helped her so much to make sure this double dating worked... “I made sure she was okay with it before I fully committed to it.” Sunset’s gaze regained its focus, boring deep into Applejack’s eyes, daring her to doubt of her resolve. “I love them, damn it.”
Applejack simply smiled. A simple reassuring smiled that spelt “I trust you” better than words could. “Good then. Sorry for asking you that… sometimes you’re a bit dense when it comes to love stuff.”
“Ouch,” Sunset said, trying to hide her nascent smile. “I know it’s true, but it hurts when it comes from you.”
“Effe you,” she laughed. “My girlfriend is the happiest girl in the whole country.”
“Dating Shy is cheating.”
“Excuses, excuses.” And just like that, the tension was gone. Both girls laughed as the freshly peeled and diced vegetables cooked. “Still, there’s something fishy. Did Twilight say anything when you told her Adagio was coming?”
“Yeah… she asked me why I invited her.”
“That’s a good question, I guess… so what did you tell her?”
“I couldn’t answer. Adagio was already there.”
“Wait wait wait… Wait… When did you tell her exactly?”
“When Adagio called me at the par–”
“You didn’t tell Twilight until you were already there?”
The question took her by surprise. Just like Twilight’s had taken her by surprise earlier. The question refused to stick in her mind, and she didn’t know why. “Well… yeah…”
The farmer’s face and palm met with a resounding “smack”. “When I said you were dense, I was partly joking, I didn’t think you were that bad. Darnit, Sunset! You’re supposed to be the clever one!”
I thought you were supposed to be good at this. The joking words of Applejack hit hard. This time, Sunset didn’t laugh. “What was I supposed to do? I know I fucked up! But what else was I supposed to do? Adagio needed me! Was I supposed to say no? I did whatever I could to be there for them both! I didn’t expect them to react like that! They didn’t even give me a chance to salvage this! I just don’t know what I was supposed to do!”
“I’m sorry,” Applejack simply said as she put her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean anything by it… Maybe you’re trying to do too much? You can’t harvest the Jonagolds and the Galas at the same time, you know?
“You can’t ask me to choose between them, A.J.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what?”
“I’m saying maybe you want to do too much at the same time. Maybe you’d get better results if you didn’t try to be there for both of them at once.” Sunset wanted to argue, to find something clever to retort… But nothing came. “I know you’re trying, and I’m sure Twilight and Adagio know it too, but for once just use that big brain of yours. We’ve already got Rainbow to jump into the action without thinking.”
“It would help if I knew what I’m doing wrong.”
“Come on Sunset… Don’t make me flatter you. You’re a clever girl. You’ve always got a knack for reading people. Even before the Everfree.”
“Hasn’t helped me much these days.”
“Maybe you’re not looking in the right place. Or from the right place.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Sunset said with barely enough conviction to satisfy Applejack.
The rest of the dinner making and the dinner eating itself were spent on lighter topics, which Sunset was grateful for.
As long as she kept busy and careful, she was safe from her thoughts.
✶𝄞☀𝄞✶
Sunset ran.
The empty orchard distorted the sound of her steps, multiplying them, giving her the illusion of company where there was none. She ran as fast as she could, creating as much distance as possible between her and the Apples’ house. The wind blew unnaturally around her, carrying the lung-grating smell of smoke and ashes. The world burned around Sunset. Applejack’s world, her world and everything in between.
Tears flowed through her eyes, born of shame and irritation.
She caused this. It was her fault. And now all she could do was keep running and hope the destruction would follow her and ignore her friends.
So Sunset ran.
The lines of trees stretched infinitely in front of her, rows and rows of them with neither beginning nor end. They passed by her as fast as her legs could carry her, hurling toward the fiery doom that followed. There was nothing more she could do about it but pray this would suffice.
So Sunset ran.
And she ran.
And ran.
She ran until time lost meaning until trees and fire and smoke melded into a single, blurry mess surrounding her. She ran until the end. She ran until she passed the very last tree until there was nothing else to burn.
She passed the wooden arch and the world changed around her. There were no more orchard, no more trees, only her, Adagio, Twilight and the fire that followed.
Her two girlfriends stood in front of her. Both of them stared at her intensely, their gaze filled with pain and accusations. Sunset tried to apologize to them, to comfort them, to speak any word that could make things better, but words wouldn’t leave her mouth. They gathered and filled it, crawling and dying in her throat, suffocating her as the two girls starred. She tried to come closer, but her legs wouldn’t let her. They were too weak to carry her but too stubborn to let her fall and crawl toward them.
“I thought you were good at this,” Adagio spat harshly, “but you’re not. You’ve done nothing but make us miserable!”
“You can’t solve the problem in our relationship because you are the problem,” Twilight added with hurt and disappointment.
The voice of Applejack rose from behind her, echoing from the blazing inferno that followed her. “I told you to pick one, Sunset. You tried to have the Jonagold and the Gala and now everyone will suffer. Because of you.”
“This is your fault, Sunset,” Adagio judged as she burst into flamme.
“You did this to us,” Twilight cried as she was set aflame too.
“You cannot save anyone,” Applejack said, her voice growing more and more distant.
Fire quickly consumed the girls as they judged Sunset silently. Sunset jumped forward, finally free of her non-existent restraints. She plunged her hands in the burning ashes as if the pain could somehow bring them back… But they were gone… Sunset took her burned hands out of the remains, only to recoil in terror at their sight.
They were claws. Oversized, red claws.
Sunset watched in terror as the hue slowly progressed from her hand to her wrist, her forearm… soon it would join her heart and she’d revert to the monster she’d always been inside. “Please tell me it’s a nightmare! Please! Please! Please!”
A voice, distant, distorted and weak, yet carrying a strange sense of strength and power rose from everywhere around her. It came as a breeze of fresh air, soothing the heat of the brazier. “It is, indeed, a nightmare. You are safe, Sunset Shimmer.”
“Who…?”
The wind coalesced into a luminous fog, making the fire recoil in fear. It gathered and took form, shaping four hazy legs supporting a blurry barrel on which sat two almost indistinct wings and a fuzzy horned equine head. “I would have never envisioned caring for your dreams, Sunset Shimmer.”
She instantly recognised the figure but could not believe her eyes. “Princess Luna?” Questions swirled in her mind. “It can’t… How? When? Why?”
“I do not know the specifics of it myself… Maybe we share a connection because you are from Equestria? Maybe our worlds are growing closer and closer because of the recent events? In truth, it matters little. I felt your call in the dreamscape, weak and distant but distressing nonetheless, and it is my duty and pleasure to help you.”
There was too much for Sunset’s inquisitive mind to grasp, but at that moment, it mattered little. “Thank you, princess.”
“Please,” she said with a smile Sunset had to guess rather than see, “call me Luna. Would you mind putting out the fire? I do not know about you but it’s rather incommodious to me.”
“I’m… I'm not sure how…” Sunset admitted, remembering the scenery. “Can’t you do it? Aren’t you the ruler of dreams?”
“I sense that my powers in such a foreign dream are limited. Besides, I am still unsure of the impact of my presence on this world. I do not want to mess with its rules more than I already did.”
“Oh! You’re right. You’re way more careful than me and Twilight,” she joked, thinking about their various experiment with their respective magic. Thinking about Twilight sent a jolt of emotional pain through her heart. She tried to focus on the fire instead, trying to reduce its intensity somehow to no avail. “I’m sorry it’s not working…”
“It is okay, Sunset Shimmer, we will find other ways to care for this problem.”
“Please, call me Sunset.”
“Very well, Sunset.” The ghostly mare laid on the ground, seemingly unbothered by the scenery. “So, what plagues your mind and lit your thought ablaze like so?”
“I’m not sure… I guess I’m having a hard time with my girlfriends…”
Luna nodded calmly. “Did you fight?”
“No… I mean… maybe? It wasn’t a fight but it wasn’t good…”
“Indeed. To have triggered such an emotional response it must have been something quite unpleasant.”
“No! I–”
The voices of Adagio and Twilight rose from the fire fused into a single burning accusation. “I thought you were good at it! You can’t help! You’re not good enough! You’re not good at all!”
“No!” The flames rose higher, hotter, more threatening. “I’m trying! I don’t know how to–”
“Sunset! Focus! This is as real as you want it to be!” Luna’s voice whipped Sunset out of it. Slowly, painfully, she detached herself from the thoughts and the voices disappeared just as suddenly as they had manifested. “Maybe the argument is not what’s gnawing at you right now. Maybe it was just the tipping point. What is wrong, Sunset?”
What was she doing wrong? That was the question which answer had eluded her so far. What did she do wrong? What could have she done better? “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know… I tried my best, I don’t know what I could have d–”
“Sunset. I did not ask about your eventual past mistakes. I asked about you. What is wrong with you? What is troubling your thoughts and mind? What is bothering you? Stop looking outside and look inside. What is wrong?”
The question took her by surprise. And the fact it took her by surprise took her by surprise. “I’m okay,” she let out without thinking.
“Is that so?” the apparition asked, her head turning toward the flames.
Sunset tried to repeat her lie, put more convictions in it, maybe even delude herself a bit longer… but she couldn’t. She opened her mouth, closed it, and stayed silent. How was she feeling was a question she didn’t want to ask herself. She would find answers. She was the kind of girl who found answers. Even she wasn’t good enough to hide them from herself. And she knew she might not like what she uncovered.
Sunset looked at the ashes in her talons, then at the fire and ultimately at Luna. She took a deep breath and finally allowed herself to ponder the question. Luna waited in silence while Sunset faced her demons. Even considering the relative flow of time of dreams, it didn’t take long. “Do you know about my past, Luna?” Sunset finally asked.
“Only what my sister and Twilight told me. I did not press for more, for I did not want to intrude.”
Sunset nodded slowly. “After Princess Twilight showed me the road to friendship, she tasked me with making amends and learning from her friends.” She sighed at the thought, memories from that night washing over her. “One could say I got off easy, and I guess it’s true, but what I went through was not easy. It was not only getting back into the good graces of people who despised me… that part I was expecting, and honestly? Fair. No, the worst part was helping people whose lives I’ve been fucking up for years and untangle the web I’ve been trapping them in. It was trying to get close to people who had all the reasons to file a restraining order against me just because it was what I had to do. It was fighting myself, years of hateful actions… And I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. Not Celestia, not Princess Twilight, just me…”
Sunset contemplated her hand. The claws where gone, the red hue, however, was still noticeable. “It was hard but I did it. That’s what I do. That why Celestia chose me… Whatever I have to do, I do it, whether it’s being terrible or helpful.” She laughed bitterly at that. “Little by little I undid years of selfishness. I buried the monster deep under my good deeds. And I guess, it was nice to build something positive for once… but I think the main reason why I did it was it was the only thing that made sense. My whole life had been me sabotaging everyone, including myself, again and again. It was either becoming a saviour nobody wanted or just face that.”
“You are surprisingly self-aware,” Luna noted admiratively. “I wish I had your insight when I was your age… and even after.” She looked around, glaring at the receding flames. “Though I guess it does not solve everything.”
“When Adagio's calling me and telling me she's feeling lonely or anxious... or when Twilight's feeling down or struggling with a scientific problem, I can't just ignore it." Sunset sobbed lightly. "What am I if I can’t even solve my girlfriends’ problem? If I can’t even take care of them? What am I if I’m hurting them?”
A wing gently enveloped her. It felt like a ray of sun in the dead of winter and like a cool breeze in the hottest day of summer. “You’re being too hard on yourself, Sunset. You remind me of a couple of ponies I know. One who tries to carry the weight of the world on her shoulder, no matter the cost, and another who would punish herself relentlessly for her past sins.”
“An interesting pair…” Sunset leaned back into the wing, enjoying the contact and the comfort it provided. “Did they ever solve their problem?”
“Well, the first one learned to delegate. And also that you cannot solve problems for people. You need to solve them with them.”
“I see… What about the second?”
“She learned that sometimes, to go forward, you need to stop looking backwards. No amount of self-castigation will ever change the past. However, you can build a better path for your future. Now.”
“That’s good advice.” Sunset simply said after a few seconds.
“I hope it proves helpful, Sunset.”
Sunset hugged the equine apparition. It felt like hugging a refreshing summer rain. “I think they will… Thank you, Luna.”
✶𝄞☀𝄞✶
Sunset woke up in a daze, the memories of her dream clinging to her mind as reality settled in again. She was tempted to believe it was all a dream – a comforting, soothing, fascinating dream, but a dream nonetheless – if not for the way Luna’s words stuck in her mind. The dreamscape was slowly fading, as it always did when they got out of focus, but the words stayed.
“How are you feeling?” said an annoyingly energetic voice for such an early hour.
Sunset stretched and yawned. “Like shit,” she said as she got out of the couch. “But in a good way… You see what I mean?”
“Truthfully speaking, I’ve got no idea what that means. Is that what you youngsters call ‘that good shit?’ ”
Sunset’s lips twitched, trying to form a smile despite their owner best efforts. She still won the fight, but she was disappointed in the traitorous way her body had reacted to such a joke. “Damn it, at least give some time to wake up or something.”
“I gave you plenty of time. Not my fault you chose to sleep during it.”
“Urgh…” She shook her head in mock defeat and went to her friend’s kitchen for some well-deserved coffee. A freshly brewed pot of the precious liquid waited for her on the table, its bittersweet smell cajoling her, beckoning her. “This should help me tolerate you a bit more.”
Applejack simply smiled and poured some coffee in Sunset’s mug. “Sugar?” she asked by reflex more than need. She waited for Sunset to refuse and put the mug in front of her. Sunset greeted the coffee as a long lost friend and drank it burning hot.
Applejack waited for her to finish drinking before asking, “So, are you gonna tell me what you meant by feeling like shit but good?”
Sunset didn’t answer at first, fighting the urge to dismiss it as a joke. “I thought a lot last night... and made interesting dreams. I realised… I realised how stupid I’ve been and how I’ve hurt my girls… It doesn’t feel good.” She looked into her mug, thinking.
Applejack opened her mouth, ready to reassure Sunset, but the pony-in-depressed-girl form was not done. “But I realised that now that I know the problem I can actually help. And I do not have to do it alone. I shouldn’t have to do it alone. It’s something we can work on as a trouple. It’s something we should work on as a trouple.”
“Wow,” Applejack let out after some time. “Either I’m smarter than I thought or you’re having mighty wise dreams. I thought you’d need at least a couple more days to figure this out.”
Sunset winced. “Am I really that bad?”
“Let’s just say you might've overshot it a bit when you decided to stop being the biggest bitch around. These days you act like ya gotta save everyone by yourself, no matter the cost.”
“Oh my god!” Sunset let out, hiding her face in her free hand. “I can’t believe I’m that transparent.”
“Me neither,” Applejack laughed.
Her laugh was contagious and quickly infected Sunset. “Things were easy when I was Queen Bitch, you know?” Sunset sighed after a time. “Whenever things didn’t turn the way I wanted I could just scream at someone.”
Applejack watched Sunset with a deadpan expression. “Do we need to zap you again?”
“Nah, I’m good,” she dismissed with a wave of the hand. “I mean, things were simple, but I was a disaster.” Applejack’s stare intensified. “Okay, I’m still a disaster. But I thought being good would at least makes things simple after a while, you know?”
“Nope. Life’s basically going from one disaster to another.”
“Gee, that’s encouraging.”
“I know right? But at least now you’re trying to make other people’s life simpler. And they do the same for you. I think that’s not a bad way to go from disaster to disaster.”
Sunset couldn’t help but smile. “You spend too much time with Shy.”
“Maybe you should spend more time with her too.”
“Are you playing matchmaker for me and Shy?”
“Maybe you should get rid of the woodworms before you set the scarecrow.”
“What?”
“Solve your relationship problems before you add more people into it,” she explained with a smirk.
Sunset answered in kind. Her first genuine, worry-free smile since the date. “Fair.”
“So…” Applejack asked after a while. “What’re you gonna do?”
“Talk to Twi and Dagi. Set things straight.”
Applejack smiled and nodded. “Good luck,” she simply said.
Stats
Page generated in 0.023 seconds
Total duration
709 users online
693,617 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I wish Sunset luck she's going to need it
10247435
Definitely...
I really liked this chapter. Sunset going to Applejack makes a lot of sense, and I'm glad to see the way you characterized Applejack.
10249300
Thank you for your kind comments ^^
I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far and I hope you'll enjoy what's to come just as much!
I had thought of that but since Sunset knows they don't exactly like each other, I assumed she had mentioned it or something
full on not saying anything is terrible and explains the reactions to a certain degree
subversion of expectation can make an experience so much worse in this case, if that makes sense
Saturnz Barz - Gorillaz
that's the song in my head in this dream sequence
Luna! just in time as usual.
Still trying to figure out if this is AJ or Granny, and in a beautiful way it could be both
Ye'r a teenager darling, you need to develop your poker face after you realize there's an in between for Queen Bitch and Patron Saint
My thoughts exactly lmao
10326998
Yep, Sunset is not really good at dealing with this whole thing... I hope I will be able to explain why later in the story.
Interesting choice!
She'll learn. One day...