Shadows Within the Heart

by Oddling

4 - The First Step to Recovery...

The moon hung high in the sky, casting it’s soft light across the land beneath. A gentle breeze moved through the leaves of the trees and tickled at Mathew’s fur. He inhaled a slow, deep breath as his mind trailed off in thought…

So here I am… back in a world I really have no place to be. And now I’m not even human… was that your doing, Nightmare?

“I’m afraid not, Mathew. I was just as surprised as you were,” Nightmare Moon replied softly from within his mind.

Mathew sighed quietly as he looked up to the moon, his ethereal blue mane dancing slowly in the breeze. At least it didn’t take long for me to get used to moving around on four legs. Hell, if it hadn’t been for my wings lending me some additional balance, I might have face-planted back in that room… I hope that’s the last time I have to walk on such an uneven floor – we really did a number on that portion of the room, Mathew thought with a slight twinge of morbid humor.

Nightmare chuckled softly but remained quiet. Mathew’s expression softened a little and he closed his eyes. Are you really alright with this, Nightmare? If you wished… I could possibly find a way to undo this…

“It is okay, Mathew. It’s not the first time that my heart has ached like this, but the pain is only temporary. I know that I have not lost them permanently… but it will not be the same without a body of my own. I will forever be grateful for you having given me the experience to be able to embrace my daughters,” Nightmare said softly, her tear-filled face visible in Mathew’s mind.

A weak smile graced Mathew’s face as his heart felt some of Nightmare’s pain. I’ll find a way to get you another body… I promise.

“Do not trouble yourself with such things, Mathew. There are more important things to focus on… but I appreciate your intent,” Nightmare said, a small smile gently tugging at her lips.

Another sigh slipped through Mathew’s nose and he slowly opened his eyes to gaze upon the moon once more. He had to admit, it was a very strange feeling having more of Nightmare’s powers influencing his new body. As he looked at the softly lit orb in the sky he could feel it in his core, as if he was connected with the moon in some way. Sadly, you are right. At present, I’ve gained a bit more control over my body’s movement and balance so the next thing I need to work on is using my magic with a horn. I’m still at a loss as to how I can get access to my chaos magic again, but maybe Discord can help me with that… speaking of which…

“So are you just going to sulk in the shadows all night or did you want to speak with me about something, Discord?” Mathew asked as he turned his head to look into the darkness around a nearby tree.

The long mismatched body of Discord slowly slithered out of the shadows and into the moonlight. His face appeared to be serious, but there was the faintest trace of a sly smirk upon his maw. Discord came to a stop and hovered a few inches from the ground as he crossed both his arms and legs casually. “So how did you enjoy that lick?”

Mathew groaned and shook his head. “It made me feel dirty… I had no idea that pony bodies were so sensitive – especially the end of the muzzle.”

“Oh yes, the muzzle is quite a sensitive location, but if you really want to find the most responsive of locations I’m sure your two admirers wouldn’t mind lending you a helping hoof…” Discord chuckled teasingly.

Mathew simply rolled his eyes though he did allow a friendly little smile to grace his lips. “I take it that wasn’t the extent of your revenge?” he asked with a light chuckle.

Discord grinned and shook his head. “Not after the stunt you pulled. That was just an appetizer, old boy. The main course is in the making. Do look forward to it, Mathew.”

Mathew laughed lightly and shook his head. “I’m sure it will be quite the spectacle,” he said with a genuine smile. Then his expression shifted to one of mild concern. “But you didn’t seek me out just to let me know of your scheme… and I’m not comfortable with how things have happened thus far. So where do you want to start, Discord?”

Discord’s face molded to show his true feelings in that moment. His face drooped and his annoyance and sadness bubbled to the surface. “Well, Mathew… this is possibly where our paths part. You’re about to go up against my father. The little tricks and such that I’ve managed in this world pale in comparison to what my father is capable of. His power is true chaos… and there is nothing I can do to be of any use in your fight against him. Your own chaos magic will have no effect on him. So what exactly is your plan to fight against a god of such power?”

Mathew’s expression turned somber and he looked back up to the moon. “I honestly have no idea. I’ve seen many visions, Discord… but none of them involved me in an active role. The moment I awoke, the future became uncertain. Now I’m an Alicorn, I’ve temporarily lost my connection to my chaos magic, and I have to relearn many things. The only thing that I do know is that my being a pony has changed the playing field and it will make it difficult for Absolution to recognize me as a threat.”

Discord’s expression soured for a moment at the mention of his father’s name, but a more solemn look took over when Mathew mentioned the last detail. The old Draconequus looked at Mathew’s eyes. “Yes… being a human in possession of chaos magic would have made you the greatest threat to him. Your kind are notorious throughout the cosmos for being highly resourceful and creative in your methods of survival. If you humans ever found the right way to tap into your magic… it’s possible your race would reach new heights, but not in favorable ways.”

“Yeah… just thinking about how a magical war would go is enough to send chills down my spine,” Mathew agreed as he looked to the lord of chaos.

“In any case,” Discord said to redirect the conversation, “it would seem that things are about to get a lot more chaotic around here. I have no doubt that your actions won’t go unnoticed by him. If he realizes that you are the one pulling the strings of fate, he’ll waste no time in coming for you, Mathew.”

Mathew nodded slowly as deep sadness and anger fought within his heart for dominance. “There is a part of me that welcomes the confrontation with him. I know he’s your father, but I cannot find it in me to forgive him for what he’s done. His actions had one hell of a ripple effect,” Mathew said as his anger for Absolution started to win the battle.

“True, but would you still be able to say that if it meant you never met Nightmare Moon? What of Luna and Applejack? Surely there was some good that came from my father’s actions…” Discord reasoned, though there was the faintest trace of his own anger boiling away behind his intense stare.

Mathew’s emotions ceased their battle once his feelings for certain mares were brought out into the open within his heart. Though it was a little bitter to admit, were it not for Absolution’s actions in manipulating the Life Giver and Nightmare Moon, Mathew never would have been brought to Equestria. He never would have met such wonderful ponies. Yet… the faces of his old friends back on Earth still managed to ebb through his mind to the surface. Had he never come to Equus, Mathew would have continued to live a normal life. Then again, he may never have found a girl worth feeling love for. The idea of opening up to anyone had never once crossed his mind back on Earth; it was only when he met Applejack that he had let someone see his hidden emotions.

The black Alicorn shook his head to force himself from such thoughts. Now was not the time to think about things like that. “I guess there is a silver lining to that storm cloud, but when all is said and done it’s the methods he used to get us here that are the problem. Just because I found some semblance of real happiness because of him doesn’t make the death on his hands worth the outcome. At the very least he needs to pay for what he did wrong,” Mathew responded firmly.

With a soft huff, Discord uncrossed his arms and legs. He looked up to the sky for a moment before looking back to Mathew. “I’ll warn you now, Mathew, that kind of thinking will get you nowhere with my father. This will be the first and last warning I give you in regards to him; he cannot be redeemed. Don’t let any of these ponies and their belief about second chances cloud your judgment. None of you, not even Nightmare, know the extent of my father’s sins. The instant you see him, you’d best be prepared to end him. Doing things halfheartedly, like when you fought Celestia, will only end in your death.” With the simple snap of his talons, Discord vanished from sight.

Mathew stared at the spot where the Draconequus once stood, an expression of slight confusion on his face. Something had been wrong with Discord, he noted, but it was a bit of a mystery as to what. Yet there was definitive meaning behind the encounter. Discord had given Mathew something with his words… but what was it?

Minutes of fruitless pondering left Mathew with nothing more than a slight headache and no answers. He sighed and turned away from the moon to make his way inside of the castle. As he traveled through the grand halls, Mathew passed a few patrols. Most gave him small bows of their heads, but there were a few, the newer ones most likely, who could not stop themselves from looking in awe at the most recent Alicorn to grace their kingdom.

Needless to say, the thought of being seen as royalty in the land of ponies made Mathew feel conflicted. When he was younger, the idea of doing something meaningful in life had been a bit of a dream for the young man. Now that he had become a powerful being that could easily shape the world around him… the reality of it weighed heavily on him.

After some time, Mathew eventually arrived outside of his old room. His eyes took in the familiar sight and a small smile etched its way onto the end of his muzzle. It had been a long time since the last time he had called this place his home, and it was that fond memory that made him feel warmer inside. That warmth faded when he noticed something out of the ordinary about the door, though. The faint glow of a lavender light beneath the door caught Mathew’s attention.

Slowly, Mathew reached his hoof up and he focused on using the fleshy underside to grip the handle. It took a few tries, but he eventually managed to get the sweet spot to stick to the knob and he gently twisted, releasing the latch and opening the door. As he had expected, the light was emanating from the young Princess of Friendship.

Having taken notice of the opening door, Twilight stopped channeling her magic and she turned her head to see Mathew’s large form in the doorway. “Oh, hello, Mathew. I… didn’t think you’d be back.”

Mathew chuckled softly and gave the little purple Alicorn a small grin. “Clearly. I take it you’re scanning the remains of the room to try and understand how this happened?” he asked as he gestured to himself with his hoof.

Twilight smiled a little sheepishly and nodded. “Yes. I just can’t help but feel that your transformation holds so many arcane secrets that could be used to better the lives of others. I’ve already established three theories of how your magic might be useful for healing magic.”

Mathew’s grin melted into a genuine warm smile and he walked into the room to stand beside Twilight. “That… actually makes me feel a lot better about things. It’s nice to know that my powers could help others.” Mathew then turned his gaze to the destruction he had caused in the room. “As long as I don’t have to destroy things in the process…”

Twilight giggled softly and she extended her wing to gently assure Mathew. “I don’t think you need to worry about that part. From what I could establish from your first transformation/bonding with Nightmare Moon’s core; the combination of her power and a physical form of an opposing energy component create excess magical waste. As long as her core rests within you, there won’t be any magical storms like the one that demolished half of the room here. In fact, it’s the magic that you currently possess that is the center of my current analysis,” she explained.

His curiosity perked, Mathew lifted a brow at twilight. “Oh?”

“Yeah. The magic that you have now isn’t the same as it was last time. Though there is a lot of Nightmare’s magic flowing through you now, your unique power that you used before has… changed somehow. It’s a lot stronger, but there’s more complexity to it now, as well. It almost seems like, and this is just another theory of mine, but it’s almost as if your chaos magic has combined with some other dormant magic that nopony knew about. I mean, the last time I looked at your magical network there were a few things that were really hard for me to notice, but they were definitely there. I kind of ignored them though because I was too focused on finding the extent of Nightmare’s influence on you,” Twilight said.

“My magical network? What is that, exactly?” Mathew asked, though he had an idea as to what it was.

“Well, unlike ponies, your body had a very complex series of channels that your magic flowed through. Ponies have a simpler version of what you had… or still have, actually, but the closest thing I can compare yours to would be a vascular system.”

Mathew nodded his head. So he had followed along with Twilight’s train of thought and he was right about the network. It made sense and it explained how he was able to use magic throughout his body in the past. But now that he thought about what she said, he supposedly still had the extensive network within him. Mathew brought up his hoof and eyed it for a moment. “So… I still have that elaborate magical network within me?” he asked.

Twilight nodded her head as she looked at Mathew with a slight amount of caution. She was a little unsure as to why he wanted to know.

Mathew thought for a few moments before he sighed and lowered his hoof. “Then what is keeping me from using magic right now? Until now, I thought that it was because I needed to learn to use it with my horn.”

Twilight’s eyes widened as she understood what Mathew was getting to. “You can’t use magic? At all?”

“That’s fairly accurate, yes. I know I have magic within me but I can’t seem to grasp or use it right now. It’s like having a lung full of air without being able to blow out the candles. I know it’s there, I can feel it, but that’s all I can do,” Mathew sighed.

Twilight hummed and she walked around to stand in front of him. She narrowed her eyes slightly and her horn lit up in a gentle purple aura. Mathew’s body slowly became encased with Twilight’s magic and he tensed up as he felt her power slowly sweep through his body. “Try and relax,” Twilight said gently.

Mathew took in a slow breath and did what he could to calm down. It was not an easy task, though. He could intimately feel Twilight’s magic as it flowed through him. To say that the feeling was stimulating would be like saying romantic foreplay was only mildly arousing. Still, he managed to keep a level of composure and maintain an acceptable amount of calmness over himself as Twilight did her thing.

After a few long minutes, Twilight let out a breath and closed her eyes as her magic faded. “From what I can see, it looks like you have plenty of magic to perform a few spells without any trouble. But there’s something off about your body, itself. I wish I had a better idea of anatomy, but your guess would be as good as mine at this point. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help…”

Mathew smiled kindly and embraced Twilight in a hug. “No, you did plenty. Thank you,” he said.

Twilight returned the hug, nuzzling into Mathew’s neck slightly. “Still, I wish I could do more for you. You’ve done so much for us, but we haven’t been able to do really anything for you in return. It just doesn’t seem fair.”

“I didn’t do any of it expecting to get anything in return for it,” Mathew replied with a soft chuckle. “Besides, none of you know just how much you’ve done to help me in return. Just being yourselves… you’ve managed to help keep me sane over the past few years. I’m thankful that you all have been such wonderful friends even after what happened back then. Heck, I’m even proud of you for being able to make up with everypony after the stunt you pulled to use the elements on me.”

Twilight pulled away from the hug, her ears folded back and her head low. Mathew sighed quietly, but a small smile still lingered on his face as he reached out and gently lifted her face to look at him. “Hey… that’s enough of that,” he murmured softly. “You made a mistake, but you’ve paid for it. I forgive you, your friends forgave you, and it’s time you moved on. Everypony makes mistakes in life. The important thing is to learn from them and grow into better people… ponies. Trust me… lingering on past mistakes only makes you stagnate in life and eventually you’ll just rot in a pit of self-loathing. Instead, you should keep moving forward in life and do what you can to avoid making the same mistake, all while making up for what you did wrong.” Mathew’s smile grew a little warmer. “Think you can do that for me, Twilight?”

Tears pooled in the corners of Twilight’s eyes and she brought her hoof up and gently touched Mathew’s hoof that still held her chin. “I’ll try…” she whispered and smiled.

Mathew moved forward and embraced twilight once more. “Good… that’s all I ask,” he said. In that moment, Mathew felt good about things again. He also realized just how large he was. With Twilight in his embrace, his head easily came over hers and he found himself curling his neck down to wrap around the little purple Alicorn. He caught the scent of strawberries and lilacs from her mane and felt the gentle pressure of her horn against the base of his neck. In addition, he found her warmth to be quite pleasant and the sensation of her fur gently brushing against his own as they both quietly breathed felt nice.

Mathew, becoming quite aware of how awkward he was starting to feel, slowly pulled away from Twilight. He looked down to her and she looked up to him with a pleased smile on her face. Mathew returned her smile and sighed in content. “Feeling better?” he asked.

Twilight nodded and wiped the wetness from her cheeks. “Much.”

Mathew nodded in turn and looked around the room that was once his. He looked to the spot where his bed once sat and realized a little flaw in his original reason for coming back to the room in the first place. His smile faded and he sighed in defeat.

Twilight’s ears perked up and she looked to Mathew curiously. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

Mathew chuckled breathlessly as he shook his head. “I just realized that I need a new bed.”

“Oh!” Twilight exclaimed happily. “I almost forgot, Princess Luna said that you could spend the night with her in her chambers!”

Mathew’s eyes popped open and he looked to Twilight in slight horror. “Please tell me that was a joke… the implications of that are not something I’m mentally prepared for.”

Twilight rolled her eyes but smiled good-naturedly. “She said you might react like that. In that case, there’s a guest room ready for you just down the hall. Would you like me to show you?” she asked.

Mathew smiled softly. “That’s alright. I get the feeling you’d make more progress in your research here if you just told me which door it is.”

“In that case, it’s the seventh door on the left from this room toward the southern wing.”

“Ah, so it’s the one I passed on the way here. I was wondering why there were two pairs of solar and lunar guards outside of that door,” Mathew mused.

“Yes. It was actually the guards that requested to stand guard outside of your new room. Apparently, it’s become something of a privilege for the guards to stand guard outside of your room,” Twilight informed.

Mathew’s ears flicked and he tilted his head in thought. Great… they still see me as some kind of hero figure. I’ll have to address that at some point. “I see, well thanks for the directions. Try not to stay up too late.”

Twilight chuckled. “I’ll try, but I make no promises. This room is just filled with so many magical mysteries. It’ll be hard for me to get everything before the magic fades, but I want to get as much researched as possible before then.”

Mathew’s smile widened at her enthusiasm. “I understand. I’ll see you later then, Twilight. Good night.”

“Good night, Mathew.”

~~***~~

Mathew took his time as he made his way back to his new room. He thought back on some of the things that he had discussed with Twilight, as well as what had transpired between Discord and himself. There was a nagging feeling that both Mathew and Nightmare felt that seemed to make the two discussions feel related in some way, but neither of them could place their hoof on it.

He eventually arrived in front of the door, the four guards bowing respectfully in front of him. Mathew sighed quietly as he fought the desire to express how much that act bothered him. The guards had no knowledge of what he thought of their respect for him, so lashing out at them for it would not have been fair. Instead, Mathew simply nodded to them. “I was told that this is my new room.”

The solar guard on the left saluted crisply. “That is correct, Sir Mathew.”

Mathew’s blood boiled for a moment and his eyes narrowed slightly. He took in a slow breath and calmly let it out before he spoke again. “I’ll only request this of you once. Just call me Mathew. I don’t want any of you seeing me as something I’m not. Do not place me on a pedestal. If you want to show me respect, then treat me as you would your friends. Be sure to spread the word to the rest of the guards as well. I won’t tolerate being revered by anyone. I have done nothing to deserve such treatment.”

The four guards swallowed nervously, but they all nodded. Though Mathew was unaware of it, his anger had been displayed through glowing golden eyes and his mane growing in size as the air around them chilled. Still, the fire of one of the young stallion thestrals of Luna’s Night Guard burned brighter in his own golden eyes. He steeled himself and looked right into Mathew’s sharp gaze. “With all due respect, Mathew… we heard of what you did in Ponyville. You may not want us to respect you, but what you did was noble. I had the pleasure of meeting Nightmare Moon while standing guard outside of your room. You made it possible for Princess Luna to be happy, unlike any time before, and I am forever thankful for that. Meeting Nightmare Moon was also one of the most memorable days of my life. She showed all of us a kindness and warmth that I never thought possible from anypony. Were it not for your acts of bravery… none of that would have been possible.”

Mathew’s gaze softened slightly as he listened to the thestral guard. It was true to an extent that what Mathew did could be seen as a noble act… but Mathew knew that was just how things had been interpreted. In reality, Mathew had done something foolish and reckless. He had placed hundreds of ponies in danger with his actions and had done so knowing that they could be harmed. Mathew had been narrow-minded and stupid, impulsive and emotionally unbalanced, and had he taken the time to really think things through… the damage he and Celestia caused could have been avoided completely. In hindsight, Mathew knew he should have stayed on that mountaintop and trapped Celestia so that he could nullify her magic – thus avoiding all of the struggle and bloodshed.

The black Alicorn closed his eyes as he calmed himself. They didn’t know the truth. Mathew slowly opened his eyes and sadness flowed through his gaze, startling the four guards. “If you knew the truth… you wouldn’t think of me or what I did like that. In time, Celestia and I will tell everyone the truth, but for the time being you should heed my words. I really don’t deserve your respect. Still, the hour is late and I’m too tired to explain further for the moment. Would one of you be so kind as to open the door for me? My magic is still recovering from my awakening.”

The solar guard on the right lit his horn and the door opened for Mathew. With a gentle nod, Mathew slowly entered the room and the guard hesitated in closing the door. The guard cleared his throat. “For what it’s worth, Mathew… we also respect you because you helped Princess Celestia become more of a real pony. Yes, her actions weren’t admirable, but having her be reminded that even she can make mistakes has changed her for the better. I’ve never been prouder to server her.” With that said, he closed the door softly.

Mathew looked over his shoulder at the door. Though he still felt sad about his past actions, it was hard to deny that there was a little bit he could be pleased with. He briefly wondered about what Discord had said and if it possibly meant anything in regards to his current conflicted feelings. Maybe Mathew needed to take some time to come to terms with how he felt about his life and his decisions…

With a heavy sigh, Mathew walked over and fell onto his side on the bed. He closed his eyes and felt the tension in his body slowly melt away as the softness of the bed and sleep enveloped him. The last thing that crossed his mind, just before slumber took him away from the waking world, was one that left a feeling of foreboding in the air.

I miss the days when life was mundane… ever since I got here, things seem to find a way to get more chaotic than they should…

Author's Note:

Sorry it took so long to release another chapter everyone. I managed to get this one put together in my spare time. Overall it's just a bit of a filler/scene set up. The next chapter is going to introduce the beginning of Mathew's newest crisis - gotta love the foreshadowing I put at the end of this chapter to showcase that.

As I said before, I've got some interesting ideas for this story. Thanks again to everyone who's given me their input in this story and the prequel. It's helped me to try putting more effort into getting more done to shape things better. Look forward to the next release folks!

As always, I hope you enjoyed the read.

Also... cover art has been made! Woohoo!
But since it has to do with an upcoming event that I have planned for the next chapter, you'll have to wait a little longer to see it.

Comments

[Shadow of doubt]

You most chapters, great chapter so far 10/10 ign will read again.

[Oddling]

7966829 lol Thanks for that. I know I upset a few people when I made Mathew go pony. Glad to see it's still an enjoyable story for you, Shadow.

Look forward to the next chapter though. I'm aiming to make it more interesting with a possible two part event that will help showcase the new cover art. :D

[Shadow of doubt]

7967232 cool, i haven't seen the cover art yet though

[Oddling]

7968069 The cover art will be coming out with the next chapter. :)

[Hein des Nisseroi]

7969227
(Demon voice) Soon...