DERPA

by CrimsonCowboy

Hang on, I want to try something.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

The gryphon was cursing under her breath. Nothing could be seen. Java's mellow voice stated "You, uh, gotta take off the lens cap."

"Ah fuck, seriously? Carving Tartarun BS..." The scene suddenly unfolded. Three ponies stood in front of a meadow near Canterholm mountain. "Right, got it. OK." A gryphoness ran into the frame and stood in the lineup. "You're turn, Oson."

The changeling stood at attention, her corrective goggles jumping off of her eyes. "Oh, right!" She reoriented the corrective goggles over her compound eyes and began a well rehearsed speech.

"We are here to present the group project for Advanced Applied Spatial Contraction Course ASK5011. Our project will involve the transmission of a unit of matter through a chaos-derived spatial contraction field with a reharmonizing field effect spell generating a field of harmony around the unit of matter through the use of inscribed runes. Specifically, we will be using a crossbow bolt fired by Quantum Shift," Oson gestured her head towards the earth pony, "at a target one hundred meters distant from the point of fire." Oson gestured her head backwards at a vibrant purple and green bulls-eye target behind them.

"We wish to explore with this experiment the hypothesis that a reharmonizing field can allow normal matter to travel through a spatial contraction field in a similar fashion to how light and magic can traverse a spatial contraction field at super-luminal velocities. I turn the lecture over to my colleague, Java Stout, to detail how we have designed this experiment." Oson nodded to Java Stout.

Quantum Shift closed her eyes and shook her head. She spoke quietly, "Celest, you're such a nerd, Oson."

Oson frowned and kneed Quantum with her front forehoof. "Stuff it, Quantum! This is for our grade!" Quantum shot a dirty look back at her.

Java Stout blinked and wavered on his hooves. He didn't speak until Tami elbowed him hard in his sides. "That's you, twit."

Java looked at the camera. "Oh, uh... Right. I set up a set of light gap crossing sensors on the field earlier, one in front of the field and one in back by the target."

Oson butted into the description. "We included the time of signal transmission over the lengths of wire in our calculations."

Java nodded slowly. "Yeah, we did that. And we're using, uh, a low chaos field generator. We're at only about three teacups. I set the generators up earlier, and the field has stabilized. I had Quantum double check it for me."

Quantum Shift hit him with a hoof. "I double checked it because you're already drunk, you twit!"

Oson started to panic before Tami looked over the two ponies between them and spoke. "Don't worry, Oson. We've gotta repeat this at least four more times for stats'n'shit, so we can just cut a new take for the opening." This calmed the changeling. Tami turned to face the camera. "Right, now that this take is right fucked, let's just run the test. We've already double and tripled checked the fucking runes on the arrow head, so Quantum Shift your ass to the firing line."

Tami and Java walked stage left, and Oson right, as Quantum picked up the crossbow in her hooves. She was well up in the archery club, so her suggestion of that the 'unit of matter' be a crossbow bolt was backed up with her record on the team. She took aim at the garish distant target, and began counting down. "Three, two, one, fire."

The field exploded in a two degree cone along the arrow's trajectory. When the rumbling stopped only one voice could be heard, one very excited gryphoness.

"Holy FUCK! It's fucking gone! Grace be fucked, it's fucking GONE! The... holy crap, the fucking field's trashed! HOLY FUCK! Oh, shit, I think that... That's a fucking tree on fire! That's half a klick away! What the fuck, are you guys seeing this shit? Hey, you g... Oh, fuck, Quant, you OK?!"

As the dust clears, a Tami Owlson was seen much closer to the camera, wringing her talons together as she looked over the prone body of Quantum Shift. "Oh, shit, shit, are you ok? Quantum, can you hear me?" She prodded the earth pony. "Oh shit, oh shit... OSON! OSON! Get over here! I need to know if Quantum's OK!"

The slack jawed Oson shook her head as she looked over to the pair. She closed her mouth and galloped over to them. Her horn alit green and a faint shimmering field of the same color grew over the pony below her. Her jaw moved spasmodically, as if she was silently speaking to herself. A scant few seconds later both dimmed and Oson looked at Tami. "She's still in full control of her emotions, so I think she's ok. She's just a bit shocked. See, she's blinking now. Oh, she's probably also scraped pretty badly, but that's why I brought a first aid kit." She tucked her head back into her saddlebags and pulled out an adorable first aid kit. Setting it down, she opened it up and pulled out some gauze, some sanitizing wipes, and some aspirin. As she helped her friend up and started her work she positively beamed with pride. "You're gonna be OK, Quanti!"

Java Stout's unkempt mane had been blown backwards by the blast, revealing his half lidded eyes below his raised eyebrows. He was still trying to process what had happened, when his eyes shot open with realization. He turned his head to face his team and the camera. "Ha! I know what I forgot to include in the calculations! Air resistance! That's why it exploded! Cool!"

Quantum Shift lept out of Oson's caring medical work and began to gallop at Java. "I'm going to fucking KILL your drunk ass, Java!"

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
First demonstration of the reharmonization effect in an chaos-derived spatial contraction field, inside of an atmosphere.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

Comments

[Nikita]

The Agency has rated this invention 3 Derpy butts out of 5. Points docked for insufficient collateral damage and knowing what went wrong