Equestria is a Playground

by falcon4

Hello stranger, please give us money to tear down Applejack's Barn

Charities have always been amusing to me. While it feels great to give some of your money to those in need, the hagglers calling, e-mailing and blocking your car everyday makes this more of a pill to swallow rather than it to be an act of compassion. I don’t go to random people to block their way and demand them to give me money, and in return, they don’t kick my teeth out all over the sidewalk in a bloody mess. The following is especially true if we are talking about angry thugs or construction workers being confronted by someone collecting charity for a new private golf course to be built over Applejack’s farm.

Recently however, the incidence of cold-calling and spam emails have skyrocketed while door to door and live charity collectors have just about disappeared. My thoughts to this are that a) machines are cheaper to operate than hiring people, and b) that the medical bills of the charity collectors exceeds the amount of charity they raise in the wake of an increasingly frustrated populace. As there is another one of those ‘help us build a new private golf course’ campaign going along again, Misty Fly and I have decided to follow the standard procedure followed back in summer camp: break into their campaign office, steal the money and donate it to Save the Children instead, as the individuals running this campaign probably has enough money to build the darn thing themselves anyways.

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From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 08:19:31 AM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: Charity Funding

Dear Miss Fleetfoot,

We are a part of Saving Households In Townships (SHIT), and we are starting our journey in Ponyville. As the town itself is quite ‘rustic’ by our standards to say the least, we have plans to completely renovate the place to make it more appealing to the public eye. For a donation of 1500 bits, 1000 bits, or just a measly 750 bits, your efforts will help turn stale land into a completely new golf course. If you are interested in making a contribution, please click the link here. Your contribution is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Spoiled

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From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 11:01:34 AM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: Charity Funding

Hello Spoiled,

Thank you for the e-mail. I was just about to spend 3000 of my bits on a few chunks of soap thinly disguised as crack cocaine so your timing was impeccable.

As for your golf course, I really love golfing and would like to take part in your tournaments calculating ball trajectories. I currently own two clubs but no golf balls, but this should not be a problem as Soarin’ recently won a lottery ticket where instead of getting money, he was given a lifetime supply of golf balls instead. We have been practicing together ever since, shooting golf balls from a cloud with a clear view of Spitfire’s office and trying to knock down her cup of pens through the open window. My aim has been steadily improving recently, and just last week I knocked over both her cup of coffee and pens in one shot. Instead of breaking the window. The end result to this was that we had our pies taken away in exchange for veggie omelette MREs. Surprisingly enough, Soarin’ liked them better than the pies at first, but that quickly disappeared after a severe case of constipation that was deeper than the toilet bowl.

Also, are your courses billed by the hour or by the shots you take? If so, how much time, or how much shots will the 750 bits cover? We already own ballistic calculators and kitchen timers. We hope that after training in your course, we would be able to make assassinations look like freak golf accidents.

Regards, Fleetfoot

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From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 12:46:53 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: Charity Funding

Hello Miss Fleetfoot

No, the 750 bits goes towards the building of the golf course only. We will be posting a list of fees when the golf course opens. You are welcome to sign up and are eligible for a 10% discount with a contribution for the first three months. We do not train our golfers to become assassins so you may have to look elsewhere for that.

Sincerely, Spoiled

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From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 01:47:29 PM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

Do I get free shipping with that discount?

Regards, Fleetfoot

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From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 01:50:09 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

What are you talking about? The donation paid makes you eligible for a discount when you register at the opening of the course.

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From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 02:12:48 PM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

I have just noticed on your website that you are about to build the golf course over Applejack’s farm. While I normally would have been a supporter of this plan due to my hatred for tractors, I am currently unable to do so right now due to time constraints. Just the other day, two charity collectors came over to Applejack and claimed that they were fundraising for a new private airport. However, they came back later that evening when Applejack said she didn’t have money to spare at the moment, and tripped on one of the landmines laid near the tractor shed. As they were still alive after the explosion and were making quite a bit of noise, we had to speed things up using a golf club and a few golf balls before throwing them into the barn cellar. The only problem now is disposing the bodies and cleaning up, as the smell has been drawing in wolves and cannibals recently, along with the problem on digging a hole large enough to fit them in. On the bright side, the explosion was dismissed as Sweetie Belle’s new chlorine bomb and the screams from the two were interpreted as a bear attack due to the overabundance of bears and overweight charity collectors in the area.

Also, if you see Applejack, please tell her that the boxes I dropped off is chlorinated bleach, and that I will be coming over later today to help her clean up with it; they have to be applied all over the barn to clean up the blood from the collectors. This way, when the forensic investigators come to spray their luminol to find blood traces, they will instead find out that the whole room is glowing blue which effectively erases their evidence. This will save a lot of our bail money and it can be allocated elsewhere, such as buying the newest Nophone or renewing our Pornhub membership. And contributing to your charity once we get rid of the bodies.

Sincerely, Fleetfoot

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From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 07:28:24 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Fleetfoot,

I’m not quite sure on what you are talking about, but I hope that your comment on the charity collectors wasn’t serious. I am forwarding it to the police station and Twilight as per policy though.

Sincerely, Spoiled

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From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 07:46:48 PM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

Rest assured, we would never do that to charity collectors nor will we lay landmines all over semi-public property. I can also guarantee that Twilight herself saw this email before it was sent to you. I have heard that the punishment for murder is the death penalty or jailtime in many countries including a good part of Equestria, except in the regions around Ponyville, where you are stripped naked, blindfolded and chased around town while someone whips your bottom as the others sling moldy tomatoes at you. Of course unicorns have their magic capped and pegasi have their wings bounded before this takes place, and surprisingly enough, this is also practiced as a form of ‘roleplay’. The bounded one is the ‘slave’ while the one with the whip is the ‘master’. Variations of this include replacing the blindfold with a straitjacket and latex suit, or the whip with an electric baton. And in the instances of fraud charities, both.

Also, I thought that the original goal of SHIT was to liven up Ponyville from its ‘rustic’ standards by developing ‘stale’ lots, why focus it on Applejack’s farm? You guys seem to be pretty quick to dismiss the giant empty lot just to the north of Ponyville, or the ‘rustic’ buildings of the town in general. To make yourselves more specific, you should probably amend this statement, or for every donation you receive, you send out instructions on ‘how to make your building less rustic’. Such as by putting up Star Wars posters on the outer walls and TV dishes on the roof.

Regards, Fleetfoot

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From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 08:08:37 AM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Fleetfoot,

Our group had a unanimous vote on the location on where the golf course should be built. I'm still not quite sure what your point was, as I was not responsible for writing out the drafts of the e-mail templates to be sent out to everyone. Do you want to make arrangements for a donation on the phone instead?

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From: Fleetfoot
Date: Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 10:47:07 AM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

I understand the dread when it comes to voting. Especially when the votes have been rigged into ones favour using bribes or extortion. I have heard somewhere that the Griffons would frequently bribe poor families with money or television sets during election time to swing the votes into their favor. Unloyal voters would be frequently found dead in the back alley trash can, because there are some things that praying just won't get you.

In regards to your donation, we will certainly be making a donation today, despite my phone line being cut off again by the cable guy. Last night, two charity collectors claiming to be raising funds for a private internet server tried to scale the property fence again before Big Mac fired off a few shots at them, scaring them away. They dropped a bag of marijuana in the process, roughly weighing about a kilogram. As we are unable to sell this in the marketplace without being able to raise suspicion, we will be sending this over to you as an act of charity. If you are still unable to sell it, please come to our barn, where we would burn the whole thing in a giant bonfire and have a good high we can all enjoy. You should come by quick, as we don't want it to draw too much attention from the charity collectors raising money for the new weed farm.

As a side note, you might want to get a mine clearing vehicle to tackle the landmines. It would just take too long to de-mine the field using mine detectors. You could be getting a good tan in that time using an overpowered UV lamp, or just standing in the sun without sunscreen.

Regards, Fleetfoot

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From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Thursday, May 28, 2015, 02:22:55 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Fleetfoot, I have talked with the officials in charge and we have decided to build the golf course elsewhere.

Comments

[falcon4]

7524444 done

[falcon4]

7697306 Been there, done that. I know how it feels, man.