The Scarecrows

by 21latenighter

The Fields are haunted

"There is a story about evil spirits taking the forms of scare crows and killing every pony on a farm..... but you're too young for it Apple Bloom", Apple Jack said as she walked back to her tent in the forest by Sweet apple acres.

"Ahm old enough Applejack, I even have mah own tent here in the Everfree forest, and there's all kinds of evil creatures in it", Apple Bloom pleaded with her sister.

The two ponies had decided to camp out in the forest after Big Mac had invited a bunch of hardcore hoof ball players to the farm for a rough weekend of training, which would include the bucking of apple trees and shucking corn from the fields, he had called it the patented Big Mac Farm Stallion workout. Apple Jack didn't want to have twenty stallions hitting on her all weekend, so she decided to leave and Apple Bloom had mentioned the Everfree forest. Apple Jack, not wanting to be outdone by her little sister, had accepted the challenge to stay the whole weekend in the forest. A twig snapped as she stepped down, and She felt a weight come upon her back.

"Now what was that bout you being fearless and all?" AJ asked as she shoved Apple Bloom off her back to the ground. Her sister rolled over onto her hooves and shot back up.

"What do ya mean, I meant to do that", Apple Bloom said as she put up her best cool face. AJ just shook her head and started to walk back to her tent. "Ok...., ok, ahm a little scared, could we just call it a night and go back to the treehouse instead", Apple bloom said as another twig snapped.

"I guess so Apple Bloom, let's get these tents tore down," AJ said with a quiet chuckle. Apple Bloom took down the tents with a Speed that would make Pinkie Pie jealous.

"All done let's go," Apple Bloom said quickly as she strapped her tent into her saddlebag.

The two sisters began to walk back to the farm where the treehouse was located. As they passed one of the corn fields by the farm that had not been taken down Apple Bloom went pale as a ghost.

"What's wrong Apple Bloom, you look like you just seen a ghost?" Apple Jack asked as she walked by the field.

"There were red eyes staring at me from the Corn field sis," Apple Bloom squeaked out as she cowered by her sister.

"Ah shucks, your just seeing things...."Apple Jack started, but watched as two red beams looked towards her from the corn, watching without blinking, without emotion. Applejack began to back away slowly, her eyes fixed upon the two staring back at her. She began to shake with fear as the eyes began to move up and down, as if they were moving with a body towards her own. "Let's get moving and hope that they don't follow us," she whispered as she pick up her speed to a trot.

They could hear a noise like a scythe being drug across the ground as they hurried to the farm house. Then they began to hear the screams, a banshee or something worse, the headless horse. They began to full out run and the screams grew louder and another seemed to join in, calling to the other.

"Faster Apple Bloom! FASTER! Come on sis run! we gotta get back to the house!" Apple Jack yelled with a touch of fear in her voice as she ran. Apple Bloom began to fall behind her as her legs were shorter.

"Ahm running as fast as I can sis! it's gonna get me!" Apple Bloom screamed in terror as she ran as fast as her small legs could take her.

Just then, one of the screams ended in a "Eeyup," and Apple Jack stopped dead in her tracks.

"BIG MAC! WHAT IN THE HAY ARE YOU DOING!!!" Apple Jack screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Just wanted to scare ya sis," the big red stallion said, taking off a mask with glowing red eyes. "I knew you couldn't resist coming back home, so I thought I would scare ya", he said shyly.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO US BIG MAC, YOU NEARLY GAVE APPLE BLOOM A HEART ATTACK!" Apple Jack screamed as she trotted to Bic Mac, socking him right in the jaw. "AND WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS HIDING IN THE FEILD CALLING BACK TO YOU!" she screamed again.

"ow...., I deserved that one...., and they already went home, why?" Big Mac said as he rubbed his throbbing jaw.

"Then who was calling back to you?" Apple Jack asked Just over a whisper.

Another scream was heard from the field, this time alone and far away.

The three ponies jumped and turned to see glowing red eyes staring at them from the center of the field, where the scare crows were located. They screamed in unison and ran for the house. The scream of the first was answered by another and that by a third.

Then the sound of three distinct thuds.

Thud........

Thud........

Thud................

Three screams resound as the scarecrows begin their hunt...........

Comments

[boardgamebrony]

Hey there! You have a pretty good storyline going here. You've got all the key elements to make this a really great tale. You have a good excuse for the characters to put themselves away from home (since you mentioned Applejack didn't want to stay around so many stallions who would be hitting on her. Very realistic concern that a lot of people can relate to, so that works well).

There are few things I'd like to give you pointers on since you've got the spirit and enthusiasm to write, but could use some important refinement.

Focus on EMOTION

"Faster Apple Bloom, faster. Come on sis run, we gotta get back to the house", Apple Jack yelled as she ran. Apple Bloom began to fall behind her as her legs were shorter.

This dialogue could work REALLY well, but you are missing some very important punctuation. Right now, think of punctuation like actors showing emotion on a stage. You only have periods in the middle of this tense scene, which means it's as if the actors on stage are simply speaking lines without giving any emotion. You need to utilize methods of emphasizing the words when the characters are dealing with stress of tension. Check this out:

(You wrote) "Come on sis run, we gotta get back to the house",
versus:
"Come on, sis! Run! We gotta get back to the house!"

Simply by adding exclamation marks, I've made this dialogue a lot more intense.

You can also use italics when characters are trying to emphasize one important word or phrase during a key moment.

"Faster Apple Bloom, faster."
Versus
"Faster, Apple Bloom! FASTER!"

Usually, you will add italics when you've want the reader to focus on this key moment within the tension to help them realize This moment is important.

PACING
Pacing is how fast the story and its events take place. Pacing usually speeds up for action and usually slows down to induce fear or uncertainty (or even to explain something).

Right now, your pacing is going a bit too fast. To increase pacing (and thus, increase the speed of a scene), simply make sure you have shorter sentences and stick to the basic information to keep things moving. To decrease pacing (and slow down a scene), add extra sentences to scenes that elaborate on the events and focus in on what the scene looks or feels like.

Here's what you have so we can use it as a pacing example:

"Ah shucks, your just seeing things...."Apple Jack started, but then also seen a pair of red eyes staring at her from the corn. "Let's get moving and hope that they don't follow us", she whispered as she pick up her speed to a trot.

This moves REALLY fast, meaning the pacing is quick. We need to slow it down to build up tension. You can do this by adding extra sentences after "Apple Jack started." Then they can understand more easily why Applejack wants to move away from this thing. This would be an example of what you could do:

"Ah shucks, your just seeing things...."Apple Jack started. Somewhere in the grass, two pinpoints of red light popped up amongst the corn. They stared, then blinked, then moved closer ever so slowly. Applejack's eyes widened as her mouth opened. She shot a glance at Apple Bloom. "Let's get moving and hope that they don't follow us", she whispered as she pick up her speed to a trot.

---

So the two key things you should focus on in your stories right now are adding proper punctuation to show emotion during dialogue and elaborating more to help build tension when you need to. :)

I upvoted your story cause you've got some great work here! Just refine it a bit more and you've got it! *hugs* Great work!