Rainbooms 101: How (Not) to Make a Sonic Rainboom

by Needling Haystacks

Results I: Ponyquins, Power Dives, And The Value of A Good Tailor

The next day, Haystacks slept in. He assumed Rainbow Dash did the same. During an early lunch, or late breakfast depending on how you look at it, he worked on some notes for his research. Afterwards, there were a few stops to make.

First was Sugarcube Corner, where he needed and answer from the ever-knowledgable Pinkie Pie. He could have asked Rainbow Dash directly, he supposed, but he did not want to interrupt her recuperation.

"Just a minute!" Pinkie called from down behind the counter as the bell at the door rang. Haystacks looked around at what was on display while he waited.

"Ok, the scones are tucked in!" she said, popping up. What she meant by that was anyone's guess. "Oh, it's you!" she said, "What are you up to while Rainbow Dash is resting? I wouldn't count on her going to the spa, by the way. She really hates that sort of thing."

"I'm getting things ready," he said, "And I was hoping you could help me with that..."

"Wee-eell, I kinda have to work most of the day today to make up for helping out yesterday, but I might could spare a little time," she said.

"Oh, nothing major, I just need information," he said.

"Oh, well, that's no problem then. I know pretty much everything about everyone in Ponyville!"

"So I gathered," Haystacks said just a touch dryly, "So first thing, who is Rainbow Dash's best friend?"

"Hmmm... that's a tough one! I want to say me, but she does have quite a few friends, and I don't know that she plays favorites," Pinkie Pie said.

"Right, bad question," Haystacks said, "Maybe her oldest friend. Wait, I mean the pony who has been her friend for the longest, of those who live in Ponyville."

"Oh, that's easy," Pinkie Pie said with a dismissive wave of her hoof, "Fluttershy! They've been friends for like, ever! I think she may be the oldest of Rainbow Dash's friends, too. I know she's older than me."

Haystacks nodded. "Good. So where does she live?"

"Cottage on the edge of the Everfree Forest. Just go out the door, down forty paces, right twenty paces, then left, left, left, left, right, right..."

"Uh, thanks, I can probably find it from the air," Haystacks said, interrupting. He was pretty sure one segment of those directions would have had him going in a circle. "Also, is there a tailor or department store in town that uses ponyquins and would be willing to give or sell me an old one?"

"Hmmm..." Pinkie Pie thought for a moment. "I'd say your best bet would be Rarity. She runs Carousel Boutique and she uses ponyquins all the time!" Pinkie glanced around furtively, though no one else was in the shop, then whispered to him conspiratorially behind a hoof. "Frankly, I find them creepy."

Haystacks chuckled. "I could see that."

"You will if you go there!" Pinkie Pie said.

"Right. Thanks for your help! If you want to watch, I'm hoping to start the tests tomorrow outside of town."

"Ok! Have fun!" Pinkie Pie said, waving goodbye.

His second question corresponded with the first place he went. He had neglected to get directions, not wanting another nonsensical set of turns, but the building that looked like a carousel was easy enough to find, even from the ground. His wings were pretty sore, so he did not want to try an aerial search.

"Come in!" came a voice in response to his knock. The voice had a noticeable Canterlot accent. A bell jingled when the door opened.

"I'll be just a minute!" said a white unicorn from one corner, "I'm just putting the finishing touches on an ensemble." Except she pronounced the word like "onsombl". Presumably that would be Rarity, the proprieter. He was not sure if that pronunciation was an actual Canterlot or industry standard or if she was putting on airs. Best not to test it.

"No rush," Haystacks said, looking around the room. There were, in fact, several ponyquins around the room, displaying the shop's wares. Clothing was not his strong point. Once you got past hats and lab coats, he was pretty much lost. The fabric certainly looked high-quality, but he could say nothing about the workmanship.

"There," Rarity said, using magic to wipe her brow with a cloth. She was wearing glasses and had some needles stuck strategically in her mane. Whatever she was doing to the clothing she had been working on, she was apparently satisfied with it. The glasses floated onto the top of a nearby basket.

"Now, then," she said, "what can I do for a handsome stallion like you?"

He was a bit taken aback by that. Plenty of words could describe his appearance, but 'handsome' generally was not among them. Perhaps that was just how she talked?

"Um, I was wondering if you had an old ponyquin I could have? I can pay a little, but not enough for a new one,"

"Oh, is that all? Drat, I thought I had an out of town customer. You really should consider a suit, darling. I it would look simply stunning on you."

This time he was pretty sure it was a sales pitch.

"But, I do believe I have something in the back that's past its prime. May I ask what this is for?"

He thought about this for a moment, but there really was no harm in telling. It was not like someone else was likely to attempt a Sonic Rainboom in the next few days.

"Well, I need to dress it up to look like a pony, so that I can drop it off of a cloud for a pegasus to chase after," he said. Rarity was taken aback on hearing this. Now that it said it out loud, it did sound a bit silly. Rarity pulled together quickly.

"Is this for that thing with Rainbow Dash?" she asked, walking towards the door in the back of the display room. Haystacks followed, engaging in his usual nervous habit of looking intently at everything around his path.

"Um, yes, actually. How did you know?" he said.

"Word gets around in a town as small as Ponyville," she said, "That means you must be that astronomer from Cloudsdale." She walked around as she talked, carefully looking over each of the three ponyquins in teh room in turn.

"Actually, I split time between two observatories. The other one is in Canterlot," he said, looking around the room. This room had shelves of cloth, a sewing machine, and various other accoutrements that were presumably used to make clothing.

Rarity perked up at this and whirled round.

"Canterlot!" she said with some excitement, "Oh, how marvelous! You simply must tell me all about it! Have you been down Fashion Avenue?"

"Nnno, I mostly stay close to the observatory," Haystacks said.

"Oh, but the observatory is in the palace, correct?" Rarity said, "Tell me, what are the gardens like. Have you ever met Celestia?"

Haystacks made a 'sort-of' motion with his hoof. "I technically had an audience once but... well, let's just say it's something I'd rather not revisit. The garden is... green, I guess? I mean it's pretty, but I don't know how to describe it."

Rarity gave a little sigh. "I suppose it cannot be helped," she said, "I shall just have to see them for myself some day. Now, would this one do?"

Rarity used her magic to gently remove the in-progress piece from one of the ponyquins. It was a bit scratched up. Haystacks rapped on it with his hoof. It seems sturdy enough.

"Great!" he said, turning back to face her, "How much do you want for it?"

"Oh, no charge, darling, I was going to have to throw it out in a few months anyway," she said, waving a hoof dismissively. Haystacks shifted uncomfortably. It was not proper to ask for a favor and not at least buy something. Which, he reflected, might be the point. Ah well, might as well.

"I feel like I should at least buy something... what do you have in the way of Pegasus hats? You know, ones that won't fall off when flying?"

In her element now, Rarity animatedly showed him what she had in stock.

Haystacks left the Carousel Boutique about forty bits lighter and one flat cap heavier. 'Retro Chic' Rarity had called. He just thought it looked cool. Plus it had a strap to hold it on the head, which was rather important. He did not have a chance to stress-test that, however, as when he attempted to take off...

"Ow!" he said, wincing in pain as he tried to flex his wings for take-off. Yep, not going anywhere by air today. That was going to be annoying. Maybe he should see if there was a physical therapist in town. ...And if there was, that they took walk-ins.

It took a little while to make it to the cottage on the edge of the Everfree Forest on hoof. He tried to gradually flex and stretch his wings into some sort of working condition one the way. It hurt like heck and did not seem to accomplish much. One more stop to make, then. He had to get Fluttershy to go by Rarity's to mock up the dummy. He had explained the idea while trying on hats, and Rarity had offered to put something together. Haystacks had tried to insist that he could do it himself with just a bit of fabric since it just had to look a little like the target person from a distance. Just enough to add that little bit of a psychological edge. But, Rarity had counter-insisted. When he had said he could not pay much, she had offered to do it for the cost of materials. How in Equestria did that mare manage to stay in business? Haystacks had ultimately decided it was not worth arguing about and had given her twenty bits and said to keep any extra. Hopefully that made it pretty clear just how rough a likeness he was planning.

It also had turned out that Rarity knew Fluttershy, so there was no real need for him to head out here. But, Rarity preferred a live model, so she was having him run a message out. Given that he was asking a favor of her, Haystacks could hardly refuse.

Fluttershy's cottage was nearly a quarter hour's trot outside of town, and within sight of the Everfree Forest. As best as he understood, she was officially the ranger in charge of the Everfree Forest, but since most of the forest was officially off-limit to the public, she did not often venture very far into it. As Haystacks approached the cottage, he glimpsed what looked like a chicken coop. Maybe she had to supplement her income somehow.

"Oh, um, come in?" a voice said in response to his knock. Haystacks could not make out what they said, so he knocked again.

"Sorry, coming!" the voice said, slightly louder.

In a moment, a yellow pegasus mare with a pink mane opened the door. Behind her, birds were chirping loudly.

"Sorry, I'm in the middle of feeding the animals," she said softly. Without the door between them, she was now clearly audible, however. "Can I help you?'

"Oh, sorry, did not mean to interrupt," Haystacks began.

"Oh, not at all, I'm sorry to inconvenience you," she said.

"Well..." Haystacks started to counter that he was inconveniencing her far more, but he shook his head as he realized that could go on forever.

"I'm just here to deliver a message from Rarity. She wanted to know if you could come 'round to her place for tea today. She could use your help as a model, and it would kill two birds with one stone that way."

"Oh, those poor birds!" Fluttershy said, a hair louder than previously. Haystacks was startled for a moment, but after a few seconds Fluttershy blushed faintly.

"You meant that metaphorically, didn't you?" she said.

"Um, yes," he said, "So, what's your answer?"

"Yes, that should be fine," she said, "I just have to finish feeding the birds."

A thumping sound came from behind her. Craning his neck, Haystacks could see a rabbit tapping its foot impatiently.

"Oh, and Angel Bunny of course."

Reporting back to Rarity was pretty much the last bit of direct business he had for the day, so all that was left was to try to sort out his wing pain. First, he had to find the doctor. They did not take walk-ins, which it took him thirty minutes to find out as it took that long to actually get to talk to a receptionist. They, however, referred him to the local spa, which had physical therapists on staff. Then, since had did not have an appointment, he had to wait there for a good hour.

They turned out to be big on massage and steam here. He got the first, though it was not his personal preference. Strange ponies touching him was not his idea of relaxing. The latter just seemed odd. Sweat was the body's way of cooling down: why would you want more of it?

Since he was not willing to undergo a massage, the therapist recommended a soak in the hot tub and sleeping with a heating pad between his wings that night. That sounded much more up his alley. And apparently at this point, there was no one else there.

Haystacks sighed as he sunk into a comfortable position. He had not realized just how much pain he had been in until it lessened. He closed his eyes and began idly contemplating various ideas. He only vaguely noted when someone else entered.

"'Scuse me," a voice said, followed by a slight splash. "Hey, it's you! Doctor uh.... Nerdlinger?"

The last bit got just enough of his attention that he opened one eye.

"Oh, hello Ms. Dash," he said, closing his eyes again, "And that wasn't even close. It's Haystacks."

"Ok, then call me Rainbow Dash, " she said, "Feels weird to be called Ms. anything."

Haystacks chuckled and shifted a bit, opening his eyes fully this time. He had a brief flash of embarassment, but it was not like he was any more exposed than when flying overhead.

"So I take it you had the same idea I did?" he said, "Given how much you pushed yourself yesterday, I can only imagine how sore your wings must be."

"Yeah... ow," she said, shifting position, "I tried wing balm but it just wasn't enough."

"Mm," Haystacks murmured a non-answer.

Once Rainbow Dash had settled into a mostly-comfortable position, she asked the burning question.

"So I gotta know, how did you beat me? I mean, I know I'm not good on the endurance flying, but you shouldn't be that good at it either."

Haystacks grinned. He did so love explaining things. "Ah, well, that's the trick, isn't it?" he said, "But, much as I might like to use the same trick again, I suppose it's more professorial to explain it."

Rainbow Dash tilted her head in confusion.

"Oh, I'm thinking of going into teaching," he said by way of explanation, "Well, here's the thing. In a straight line, you're probably right, I would not be enough better at endurance flying to win. But, consider the track. Did you notice anything strange about it?"

Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. "Not really."

"Come on," he prompted, "Think of the tracks you see the Wonderbolts use. What shapre are they?"

"An oval," she said immediately.

"Right. And this one?"

Rainbow thought for a moment. "A circle."

"Good! Now, the thing about an oval is, those long, straight parts mean you aren't constantly turning, as you are with a circle. If you don't know how to pull that maneuver, you wind up exerting yourself constantly trying to keep up. The trick, you see," and at this point, Haystacks started plowing on excitedly, gesturing with his hooves and wings to try to illustrate, "Is that for a given air speed, a particular banking angle will give a particular banking curvature, assuming fixed wing angle of course. So, once you get the knack of it, all you have to do is slowly adjust your banking angle as your speed changes. You need only exert yourself to change altitude and regain speed! You see, as the lift force from the air and your own weight combine to produce a net force vector that points inward at an angle and... you've stopped paying attention, haven't you?"

Rainbow Dash had ducked down so her muzzle was underwater and had started blowing bubbles. Of course, being a hot top, it already had bubbles. Were he not so annoyed at being ignored, Haystacks thought, the child-like gesture might have been indearing.

Rainbow Dash looked only mildly abashed. "Sorry, but it started sounding like 'blah blah blah, nerd stuff, blah blah blah, science."

"Mm," Haystacks grunted in annoyance, "Fine, fine. I suppose a practical demonstration would be more your speed. If we have time after the experiments, alright?"

"Eh, whatevs," Rainbow Dash said with a shrug, though her indifference was clearly feigned.

Haystacks shrugged and half-smiled as he closed his eyes again and went back to mentally working out his plans for the next day.

The next day, Haystacks was up bright and early, which was rare for him. Today, though, he could not afford to waste daylight. First stop was Rainbow Dash's cloud house, which thankfully he could get today without excruciating pain. He was not at 100%, which probably meant Rainbow Dash was not either. That could be problematic, but there was no gaurentee another day's rest would help all that much, and he was running out of time before his vacation time was up.

It took several rounds of loud knocking to produce an audible response. "Uggh, coming! What time is it?"

"Morning," he said loudly through the door. Rainbow Dash, bleary-eyes and mane and wings a mess, opened the door.

"Specifically, a bit past 8," Haystacks finished in a normal volume. "Sorry for the wake-up call, but I'll be ready to start in about an hour. Same field where we raced. I'll have everything set up, so just bring yourself."

"Mmph," Rainbow Dash mumbled sleepily. "Alright," she said, barely intelligibly, as she closed the door. Haystacks stared at the door for a moment. He hoped she actually remembered and did not just fall back asleep. At least he had confirmed that her wings were well enough to close a door.

The reception at Carousel Boutique was not much different, except that there was a doorbell there. Probably the living quarters were on the second floor.

"Darling, really, I need my beauty sleep!" Rarity said. She was, Haystacks noted, wearing an entirely too elaborate dressing gown.

"Just need to pick up that ponyquin," Haystacks said, dipping his head slightly in a gesture of apology.

On the other hand, the Apples had been up for hours.

"Sure, I remember!" Applejack said. He had caught her while she was feeding the animals. "Just remember to clean up after yourself if there's any kind of mess."

By the time an hour had passed from his visit to Rainbow Dash, Haystacks was perched carefully on a cloud with the custom-outfitted ponyquin at the ready. And... nothing. Rainbow Dash did not strike him as the most punctual of ponies, so he kept waiting. And waiting. It was over half an hour later, and he was considering whether to go rouse Rainbow Dash, despite that potentially ruining his initial impression, when he spotted a pegasus flying towards him. With all but their tail and mane blending into the sky, there was little doubt as to who it was, even at a distance.

When she was about the right distance away, a quick shove sent the ponyquin over. Haystacks quickly whipped out the high-speed camera he had gotten permission to use.

As hoped, on seeing the ponyquin dressed up to vaguely resemble her friend Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash metaphorically lept into action. More literally, she dived into action, accelerating at an angle to intercept.

Haystacks eagerly started snapping pictures. There were typical distortions from air disturbances, but nothing like what he was looking for.

Rainbow Dash caught the ponyquin a few feet above the ground, a confused look on her face. Haystacks clicked his tongue in annoyance. He had waited too long to push it off.

"What the hay is this?" Rainbow said, flying up to the cloud observation perch while holding the ponyquin out in front of her.

Haystacks grinned sheepishly. "Well, I thought a little motivation might help, and I wasn't going to use an actual pony, so..." he shrugged.

"That's...!" Rainbow Dash begin angrily, but then she paused. "Pretty clever, actually."

"I know, right?" Haystacks said, taking back the ponyquin, "Now it wasn't ideal, because you were not diving straight down, but I hoped the element of surprise would give you enough adrenaline to make up for it."

Rainbow Dash grimaced. "Didn't work, though."

"Well, the day's young," Haystacks said with a shrug, "Now that you know, it'll take a little imagination on your part, but here's the basic plan. I'll drop this ponyquin off this cloud, and you'll wait to dive after it until the only way to catch it will be to go faster than the speed of magic, thus producing a Sonic Rainboom."

"I've tried diving before... it's never worked," Rainbow Dash said, a hint of embarassment coloring her voice.

"True, but you did not have a specific goal to chase, I suspect" Haystacks said, "I'm hoping that will make a difference. You see, my hypothesis is that as a foal, you lacked the subconscious restraints we all develop as we age. Without those restraints, you accelerated toward the ground at what would have been an unsafe speed. Lucky for you that the Sonic Rainboom apparently allowed on-a-dime turns, or... wait..." A sobering realization dawned on him.

"Blah blah, nerd stuff," Rainbow Dash said, "What's your... what, what's wrong?" She must have noticed his face.

"Errr, well, at an angle was one thing," Haystacks said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head, "But you see, the idea is to dive at the ground, picturing this ponyquin as your friend, in order to hopefully break down your subconscious restrictions that keep you from hitting the ground. If that part works but the Rainboom doesn't happen, then you will... Well, crash into the ground at high speed and probably crack your head open like a... well, ever see a watermelon dropped from cloud height?"

Rainbow Dash gulped. "If that was supposed to be a pep talk, it's not helping."

"Right, I'm starting to re-think this whole approach...," Haystacks said, his hoof to his chin in thought, "I suppose we could just start from up higher, but then lack of oxygen might become an issue. Hmmm..." Gazing vaguely toward town, hoping for inspiration, a bright pink blob caught his eye. He snapped his pinions as an idea just crazy enough for Pinkie Pie hit him.

"Wait here a minute," he said, keeping the blob in sight and gesturing vaguely at the cloud, "I think I have an idea."

Author's Note:

What's sad is, I was sitting on the first half or more of this for weeks...