0(read the notes at the bottom of the page to have an explaination, whenever a number appears after a statement. I think that you will need it, at some point)
Prologue: Friendship and War part 1; Mind Games.
It was a quiet and wet autumn morning on the southern border of the Everfree Forest, I must have awoken up at the 5th Celestial1.; In fact I couldn't sleep very well that night; I remember that I had returned in flyby in the rain from one of those wonderful parties that since one month, more or less, Pinkie Pie throws for Cheese Sandwich, when he randomly passes by Sugarcube Corner, during his journeys. She is always so happy when he is in town -I don't mean to tattle, but those two are so happy together2. They form a composition, if you don't mind the term, really explosive- but I'm rambling right now, sorry.
Anyway, I put myself to sleep, trying not to wake up Angel -he was a little bit paranoid those days, he didn't even wanted me to go to the party-, and I passed out more than getting asleep.
I immediately found myself in my weird dream: I was in a flowery field, I could clearly see my shed in the distance, but there was no Everfree Forest. Princess Luna was with me, but neither my infinite will of bowing down to her could make my hooves move of a single inch.
After a while, I would magically levitate (!) a small rock with a light yellow magic field, throwing it away right after, in front of me.
Princess Luna moved, like to follow the rock, but after a single step forward, She disappeared behind the orizon. Right after that, my friend Rainbow Dash entered my sight, dressed in a bulky white suit and with a big glass helmet in her hooves, and started orbitating over the orizon-hill.
I only could blink once, that I suddenly found myself in a different place, with a relative sense of sickness.
It was the Twin Thrones room in Canterlot, this time, where I could clearly hear a slapping noise from behind the Double Throne of the princesses.
When I came around it I could see a OhmyCelestiaIcantlookIfeelill3, performed on my friend Twilight Sparkle by the Unicorn Trixie and an unknown sand-color Unicorn, with a red-striped yellow mane, and her cutiemark a flaming sun.
Luckily for me I closed my eyes to that horror, but behind my eyelids I saw Discord, sitting on the top of a hill.
"Prepare yourself, Fluttershy" he said, before snapping his fingers.
Suddenly, I opened my eyes, and saw Angel bunny, who climbed my forehead while I was sleeping. Forehead which I could feel hot and sweaty (I must had taken a soft post Pinkie-Party illness during the night), with a look that could express all his worry.
As soon as he noticed that his shedmate had awoken up, he made a loud interrogative squeek in a tense tone, his whiskers softly poking my muzzle.
"Oh Angel, you poor thing, I am okay, It must just have been a bad dream. You know the Pinkie-Party postumes"I whispered to the bunny.
As soon as he heard my calm voice, the fluffy bunny made a soft sigh of relief, he clearly was much more calm than how he was before.
"Me too, Angel. Now, please get off the bed, then I'll get up and make you a nice breakfast, okay?" I moaned, sweetly.
Angel immediately jumped down my mattress, squeeking cheerfully. It made me so happy seeing him like that.
I got up my bed to go take all the groceries that my shedmate loves so much, and crossed my bedroom in front of my mirror; I actually didn't look that good: my mane and tail were horribly ruffled, ruining the match with their pink color; there were terrible dark circles around my sad, blue eyes; even my wings were creased, and I could feel deep chills under my yellow coat. I must had lost many liquids, during the night.
I quietly went downstairs trying not to disturb Angel Bunny, all focused in reading the previous day's newspaper; by looking at it I noticed the piece of news on the front page of the 'Lunar Courier4', which was talking about the previous day's party: 'THE LATEST PARTY THROWN BY THE SUPER DUPER PARTY PONIES PINKIE PIE AND CHEESE; THE CO-ORGANISERS STATED: "THIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY! YES, EVEN BETTER THAN EVERY PARTY THROWN, SCHEDULED, DREAMED, EXORCISED AND SINGED! YES, YOU TOO ARE INVITED TO THE MOST EPIFANTASTIMITHYC PARTY IN ALL OF EQUESTRIAN HISTORY"' it really has been an 'epifantastimithyc' party, like every other party thrown by the super duper party ponies, after all.
I laughed at myself for my pre-packaged phrase. I wasn't really me, thinking like that, in such an absolute way.
I headed to the kitchen table, and started crushing the groceries for Angel, putting them in the automatic washer, and then I made myself a herbal tea, putting it to warm up on the teslagem cooker.
After that, I sat at the table, waiting for the washing cycle of the vegetables to terminate, as the heating process of my tea; at one point, I noticed that the windows of my shed remained closed through all the past day, since I had been away to partecipate at the party.
So I headed to the closest one, removed the metal bar which blocked it, unlocked the lock, and opened the dampers.
With my eyes closed I took a long, deep breath, and in the nostrils on the tip of my muzzle penetrated a nice, strong smell of... ashes and concrete dust? I suddenly widened my eyes, And I really wasn't ready for the devastation presented before my very eyes.
"Sweet Celestia! Angel, quick, come see!"5
I'm not gonna lie, I am immediately (unfortunately) turned off by this story. Though I like the creativity with the whole "interactive text" thing, I think that maybe you should just explain this stuff either in the story (and not in a thing at the bottom), or just make a chapter explaining all of it together (I mean more for the time system you set up, not the other things. Quick edit, sorry). Another thing, maybe try getting an editor. While it is far from unreadable, I still have to go back to make sure I am reading it correctly. I suggest the group Looking for Editors as it has a great base of editors that are willing to help. I wish you good luck with your future in writing, and I can't wait to see what you write!
6978363 Well thank you for your hints ^^ about your troubles with the reading, they may be because english is not my mother language.
I am italian, and I am translating this story of mine from italian; I am sorry if I miss some conjunctions or write some verbs and nouns wrong :( and it is known that the translation takes away some meanings to the actual thing, especially if the translator is not a professional one, as I am not. But I appreciate your honesty, and I am certainly gonna check that group out ;)
6978526 Okay, sorry about that. I wasn't sure if it was your first language and I didn't want to make it seem like I thought that. Thanks for taking the comment as criticism and not just me being mean. Can't wait to see where this goes! Good luck!
6978880 Oh, you are going to love it ;) I hope
6979176 I'm sure I will love it!
Well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. This story is a mess at the moment. It's almost incomprehensible currently, and that's not counting the grammatical errors. I suggest gutting the chapter, reassessing your style a bit, and then rewriting it while keeping good parts. Just remember, I'm being harsh on you because I
am a douchelove you.7032021 I understand that. I have already been told that this first chapter is a mess, even thought it described a dream generated by the god of chaos, Discord.
But it's okay anyway