Twilight Sparkle's Lessons in Azerothian Magic

by Lich-Lord Krosis

Lesson 1: Recap Between Liches

Kel'Thuzad rubbed the brow of his skull lightly, awkwardly watching the prince sitting next to him loudly chug the large bottle of lager that the bartender had forked his way mere seconds ago. With a smacking of his chilled lips, the prince brought the heavy glass container down upon the bar with a resounding *thud*.

"Another." Shining droned, his voice even and calm, despite the fact that he had just drank enough alcohol to kill a minotaur. The bartender, unsure of what to make of the spectacle, shakenly replied.

"Sire... I don't think..." he was cut off by the prince's hoof forking another several bits towards him. The middle-aged stallion looked up to his prince, as if questioning his actions.

"Another, please." he insisted, not looking up from the empty bottle before him. The bartender opened his mouth to reply, but closed it, a sigh exiting it instead. He nodded, trudging off to get another of the bottles from the back.

"Sire... I'm sorry for what I did to Twilight." Kel'Thuzad bowed his head in respect, the lich ready to accept his punishment. Shining snorted, but chuckled soon after, looking to his archmage.

"It's fine, Kel. I overreacted, bigtime." Shining turned back to the bar quickly, nodding in thanks for the chilled lager awaiting him. Holding the sizeable bottle up in respect, he downed half of it in a single gulp, barely a trickle escaping his maw. With a belch unbefitting a king, he announced his wish to speak once more. "And I thought I told you to call me Shining, Kel. We're a bit beyond formalities, yes?" he chuckled, taking another gulp of the burning drink.

"I'm sorry, Shining. It's been... difficult, adjusting to normal life."

Kel'Thuzad took a moment to look around the room. A large array of equines and other sentient animals covered the rather crowded bar, signaling the end of the work week.

"Well... normal is a subjective term, I guess." Kel'Thuzad and Shining shared a chuckle.

"So, how did Twily do, despite everything?" Shining inquired, his muzzle once again turning skyward in a futile attempt at intoxication. Kel'Thuzad took a moment to ponder his king's... addiction.

Now, it wasn't his place to judge, or to pry. But Shining had consumed more alcohol within the last few weeks than all of the Empire combined.

Kel'Thuzad did the math. Being the vizier of the Crystal Court gave him the access he needed to prove it, as well.

The only thing was...

It didn't matter!

Just the fact that Shining was an alicorn would have saved him from this unhealthy plight! The things he had learned from the small OUNCE of blood Lady Cadence had gifted the archlich on Hearth's Warming had revealed more about the immortal species than any philosopher or chemist in the history of Equestria had!

Of course, he was ordered to not publish any of it. Civil unrest at the fact that one of their beloved goddesses bled themselves for science would become a colossal problem. Regardless, Kel'Thuzad was honored that he was considered trustworthy enough to be given such a gift.

Back to the point, Shining's alicornhood along with his lichdom practically made him immune to all forms of weight gain or negative health effects, what with being dead and all.

In short, the prince could drink 200 proof moonshine for the rest of his immortal life, and not have a single side-effect.

Well, despite Princess Cadence probably insisting he stop drinking so heavily, seeing as such a change in diet would surely sour her taste for his lips.

"Kel, you alright?" Shining asked, waving a hoof in the lich's face rather rudely. Not that the lich minded, after all.

"Yes, sir- I mean, Shining?"

"How did Twilight do, despite everything?" Shining asked once more, nodding to the barkeep as he took his bottle away.

"Well, considering what she went through, what with all the murder, she performed amazingly." Kel'Thuzad explained, a hint of pride poisoning his echoing voice. "She missed only several small scraps of flesh on the ribs, and was remarkably thorough with her skinning."

"Good. I... I just didn't want her to freak out on you." Shining admitted. "You're already working overtime with the Helm, seeing as Cadence has been increasingly paranoid about my outbursts after... well... Chrysalis..."

Kel'Thuzad recognized a faint snarl from within his monarch's chest, indicating that it was not just the volatile and powerful magics of the Lich King influencing his thoughts and actions scarcely a week ago.

Kel'Thuzad, on the other hand, was rather on odd ends with Chrysalis and her... king. While the lich and the nerubian were colleagues back when they both served under the banner of Arthas' Scourge, and they were colleagues now under the banner of their new king, their relationship since their little scuffle had soured. Sure, the lich didn't blame Anub'arak for protecting his mate, even if it was a misunderstanding, but he was getting rather tired of being killed nearly every week now.

But, thanks to his brief instruction to his king on the fundamental basics of lichdom several weeks beforehand, he was able to return to the land of the living within an hour of his death, rather than the tedious week or so a lich normally requires on their own.

"Sire, if I may interject?" Kel'Thuzad asked, cursing himself for his forgetting of their agreement already. Shining seemed not to mind however, gently nodding as he stared at the new bottle of ice cold lager before him.

"Is there a reason besides the fact that Chrysalis attempted a hostile takeover of Equestria that you hate her?" the lich asked. Shining turned to him, a look of seriousness across his muzzle.

"The following conversation never happened." Shining commanded. "Are we clear?"

"Crystal, sir." Kel'Thuzad inclined his head. Shining sighed, beginning his tale.

"Do you know what changelings primarily feed on, Kel?" Shining asked, before taking a swig of his bottle, the icy liquid swirling down into his dormant stomach, only to be 'digested' into nothing by the caustic necromantic energies within him.

"Well, from what I've read, they feed on emotions. Particularly love, if I'm not mistaken. If love is not available, lust... will... suffice." Kel'Thuzad looked to his king, a look of sadness staring him back in the face. "Sire... did you and Chrysalis... fornicate?"

"Yes and no." Shining admitted, a choked growl coming from within his stomach. "I should have seen it... should have known..."

"Shining. Look at me." Kel'Thuzad uncharacteristically asked. Shining begrudgingly looked to his friend, waiting for the berating...

.........

Instead... he felt a pair of arms wrap around his barrel.

"It wasn't your fault."

"But I..."

"IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, SHINING." Kel'Thuzad more forcefully commanded. "It won't happen again, either. A few subtle changes to Cadence's everyday appearance that even you wouldn't notice has assured that. If Chrysalis or anything else tries something, I'll know."

Kel'Thuzad withdrew from the embrace, and nodded to the king.

"Don't worry, I won't tell Cadence. Your secret will stay with me to the grave, no matter how long it takes me to reach it." Kel'Thuzad chuckled.

"Thank you, Kel." Shining smiled, bashing his hoof on the bar.

"Yes, sire?" the aging stallion asked, cleaning a mug with a wet rag.

"Get a shot of whiskey for the both of us..." Shining smirked, looking to his archmage's confused face.

"Shining... I can't..." Kel'Thuzad stopped once Shining held up a hoof. The whiskeys were placed before the two of them, and Shining gestured to his drink, before levitating his own.

"Not to drink, to toast, Kel." Shining smirked. Kel'Thuzad smiled, and carefully balanced the small glass cup between his pointer finger and thumb.

"To... to friends." Shining and Kel'Thuzad nodded, before clinking the small glasses together.

Maybe I'll let Cadence know about her husband's secret.

Considering that she already told me she knows, anyway...

Comments

[EvilEnchantress]

Onward to the practice of necrotic magics.

[Arcane Howitzer]

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I hear C'thunium is very pretty, but it's about as tough as spaghetti and slightly flammable besides.

Sharite has this neat purple-gray color, but it's melting point is only about 80^oF, so good luck making any useful equipment from that. Still, might be good for a chemical weapon, and if you sprinkle some it a flamethrower's fuel tank, it actually causes the fire itself to scream.

Unfortunately, N'zoth didn't show up for the blood drive, so we didn't have anything to work with from him.