Chapter Four: A Fun Awakening
Feeling extremely groggy for perhaps what was the second time that week, Scootaloo cracked her eyes open. Headaches are getting worse… Her thoughts felt slow and muddled. For the longest time, she simply laid in her comfy bed, not wishing to crack her eyes open again. Why do they keep happening?! she thought. She might have panicked, but the pure comfort of a fluffy mattress shoved her panicked thoughts aside. “This is nice..” she muttered under her breath. “Nice bed…”
Her eyes promptly shot open, her mind now fully alert. Bed?! Her head and body sprang up, causing her wings to snap to attention. She felt even more confused upon the sight that greeted her. She was in what appeared to be a mare’s bedroom. The reason she came to this conclusion was the grey colored pegasus who slept on the other side of the room happened to be a mare. She slept in her own bed, which appeared to be quite a bit larger than the one Scootaloo was currently occupying. Who is she? She shook her head, figuring she wouldn’t get any answers just laying around.
Getting up, she took in her surroundings. It appeared to be a rather standard bedroom. A few dressers off in the distance, a window whose light shone all around and finally, a few beds. I could just leave. Nodding to herself, she hopped out of the bed and walked over to the only door in the room.
“Oh, you’re awake,” the mare said, her voice barely audible.
Or I could get caught and be screwed. Her heart raced and for a single moment, she considered bolting and running out. However, she didn’t move.
The mare stood up and stretched her body. “My daughter found you passed out. I guess your scooter caused you a nasty fall.”
“I--”
The mare continued speaking, apparently not hearing Scootaloo. “I do appreciate what you did for her. Sure, it was just a ball; but it still meant something to Dinky. Having somepony standing up for her, I mean.”
“Oh, uh, you’re welcome. So… I need to get going, my parents are probably pretty worried by now,” she said, laughing nervously and avoiding the mare’s gaze.
“Hmm,” the mare hummed, but didn’t seem to agree or disagree.
“So, bye!” Scootaloo said hastily and went to open the door, but found it locked. Awkwardly, she fumbled with the lock; all the while the mare didn’t move or blink. When the door was finally open, the mare spoke.
“Your scooter’s downstairs. I’ll go and get it,” she announced, then went to her nightstand and fumbled around for something.
The filly waved her hoof, shaking her head. “No, that’s okay I-- woah,” she paused and tilted her head to examine the mare’s glasses, ”heh, big glasses.”
The mare nodded. “They have to be, they help focus my eyes. I don’t know if you noticed, but I have some pretty terrible eyes. Can make it quite difficult to focus on things without ‘em.” Scootaloo had noticed as the eye had appeared to be trying to escape from its socket. However, with the glasses on her pupils quickly corrected themselves.
“Oh,” she replied awkwardly.
Seeing as the filly didn’t wish to talk, the mare stood up and swiftly walked past her. “My name’s Ditzy, by the way; although some ponies call me Bubbles. I believe Dinky said yours was Scootaloo?”
“Yeah…” Buckin’ great! She knows my name! So… screwed!
She followed the mare through a hallway and down some stairs. Quickly spotting her scooter, she sighed. “Well, I’m not taking that to school,” she quipped, examining the damage. “I bet Bloom can fix it, at least.” She looked outside, then, in a panicked state, looked back to Bubbles. “What time is it?!”
“Almost eight. Do you need a ride to the schoolhouse? I’d be happy to offer.” The mare knelt down, motioning for the filly to ride on her back.
Scootaloo hesitated but knew that she couldn’t afford to be late again. She nodded. After grabbing her bag, which thankfully looked intact, she deposited the loose scooter parts inside. Then she grabbed everything, including the rest of her scooter and hopped onto the mare’s back. “Thanks, I need to get there now.”
Bubbles hesitated herself. She didn’t like that the filly appeared alone or that no parents seemed to show up in the middle of the night, looking for their daughter. She wished to question her on it, but she figured she did owe the filly. “Alright, Scootaloo, hop on.” She bucked the door wide open and shot out into the sky. While the mare wasn’t as quick or elegant as Rainbow Dash in her maneuvers, she felt Bubbles was well attuned for flight. “I’m so glad I found these glasses, it used to be a hassle just to walk around! Heh, ponies had started to think I just couldn’t fly straight!” She yelled out.
“You don’t say?” Scootaloo said back nervously.
The trip was short, with Bubbles landing near a group of other school children. “There ya go, sweetie. Right on time.”
Some of the other children, including Sweetie Belle, glanced over. “Uh, thanks. And, um, thanks for last night…” Scootaloo uttered nervously.
“Sure. Are you sure that you’re okay?” The mare’s voice stopped Scootaloo just as she was trying to walk off to join her friends.
“Y-yeah, I’m great. No bruises or anything. Was just a rough tumble is all.” She glanced back to the mare and nearly buckled from the gaze. “I should get to class, heh. Like, now.”
Bubbles nodded. “Right. Have a nice day then.” Without waiting for a response, the mare flew off, worry etched all over her face.
Scootaloo sighed and walked up to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, both giving her quirked brows. “Long story. Just a friend, she saw I was running late and her mom offered me a ride,” she whispered, just out of Diamond Tiara’s hearing range.
“Oh alright, Ah was wondering. Anyway, we should head inside before we get in trouble… again.”
Agreeing with the farm filly, Scootaloo nodded and walked past Diamond Tiara. The filly didn’t blink but kept her gaze on her. Scootaloo could only imagine what the filly was thinking. However, the bell rang, making her ran back in with her friends to avoid being tardy.
Inside, everypony found their seats, and the tension the filly had been feeling a moment before vanished. She was with her friends and Diamond Tiara could not touch her… for now, at least. She’d be stupid to try something, again, in class.
With their projects out of the way, the classroom that day wasn’t as interesting or exciting. Forced to study in silence, the students soon began growing anxious for a reprieve. Not that it was a punishment, but being away from recess sure felt like it to most. Diamond Tiara kept glancing back at Scootaloo, a nervous expression on her face. Scootaloo noted the nervousness, thinking it had something to do with Bubbles. She smiled inwardly. Maybe she thinks the mailmare is my mom. That would shut her up… wait, no. I played along; so why would I do that if I had a mom? Drat! She’s just even more suspicious now! Wanting to bang her head on her desk, she simply sighed and looked away. She was probably in even more trouble, figuring the bully filly would only use this against her in the future. I bet she would out herself and get in trouble just to get me in worse trouble. Bitter thoughts started to take over, making the pegasus filly feel sick all over.
The bell eventually rang, causing the teacher to jump in her seat. “Oh, recess, students!”
Scootaloo was the last one out. As she walked through the doorway, she caught a glimpse of Silver Spoon speaking quietly with the pink bully. Scootaloo sulked and walked over to her friends, trying to keep the misery out of her features. Diamond Tiara, however, was smiling wickedly.
“This is even better than I imagined! No wonder she played along with my ploy! She isn’t homeless, she lives with that stupid mailmare! She’s embarrassed by her mom, of course!” Diamond exclaimed with glee.
Silver slowly nodded in understanding. “So… how’s the therapy going?”
Diamond scowled, looking away from her friend. She looked around then quietly muttered a response. “...Fine! Can we please focus on that pegasus brat now?!”
Silver backed away from her friend’s snappy reply and slowly nodded again. “I guess, but I don’t really see how this helps us.”
Diamond tilted her head, feeling genuinely confused by her friend’s confusion. How could she not see what she did? It was perfect!
Silver then snickered a bit. “Although I would like to see her fall flat on her face for once. Those three are always being so… well, obnoxious!” she said as she tossed her mane, practically fuming as much as Diamond.
Diamond, seeing her opportunity to strike, seized it. “I know! What do you think I’ve been trying to do? If we succeed in humiliating her in front of everypony, she won't want to show her face in public ever again. With her out of the way, those three will split up like that!”
Not feeling one hundred percent sure on the plan, Silver Spoon replied back hesitantly, “I guess; but what did you have in mind? It’s not like you have any proof that the mailmare is her mother or whatever’s going on. You were lucky that other scheme of yours worked.”
“Yeah, you still owe me a shake for that,” Diamond pointed out, causing the other filly to growl. “I’ll think of something. We just have to follow her, find out everything about her... What’s her name?”
“I think it’s Ditzy,” Silver said while nodding to agree.
Diamond snorted. “Ditzy, stupid name. She looks stupid too. Shouldn’t be too difficult to tail her.”
Silver Spoon glanced over to Scootaloo who was with her friends. “What about her?”
Diamond shook her head. “We can figure something out. I already got under her skin, but if we push too much then we’ll get detention again,” she said, scowling. “Stupid teacher.”
On the other side of the playground, Scootaloo was seated with her two friends. Sweetie Belle was busy practicing her light spell, though, in the daylight, it looked more like sparks than anything.
“It’s still mighty impressive, Sweetie. Is Rarity gonna teach you anything else?” Apple Bloom said.
Sweetie extinguished the light from her horn, then shrugged. “Maybe. She told me to just keep practicing this. I think she wants me to master it until it’s like instinct or something.”
Apple Bloom nodded while suddenly taking on a sour mood. “Yeah… that’s what my big sis said about buckin’. That I’ll get it in time and to just practice on small trees,” she said. She dropped to her hindquarters on the grass and pouted.
“Why do you want to buck apples so badly anyway?” Scootaloo asked without thinking. “Wouldn’t it be cooler to learn how to make crazy magical potions from Zecora? Or be an adventurer like Daring Do?”
Apple Bloom hesitated before speaking as something Scootaloo said bothered her. “Well, apple buckin’ is cool. I don’t know what my special talent is gonna be, but I do live on a farm, ya know. It couldn’t hurt to learn some buckin’.”
Scootaloo’s wing involuntarily twitched. “If it’s anything like flying, then good luck, sister.”
Apple Bloom scowled.
Sensing a fight, Sweetie Belle smiled and hugged them both. “C’mon, girls. Don’t be like that. I figured out some of my magic, so I know you both can figure out bucking and flying.”
“You had your sister teach you. Applejack kept getting distracted with her work. She treats me like a little foal. I hate it!”
Sweetie kept on hugging and smiling while nodding in understanding. “Try Big Mac then or maybe Granny Smith!” she suggested.
Apple Bloom hummed, clearly interested. “I could try.”
Sweetie beamed, then turned to face Scootaloo. Her face instantly scrunched up in concentration, and she froze. She knew Scootaloo’s situation was a tad different. Sweetie Belle didn’t know Scootaloo’s parents, only that they were always extremely busy. They were out. Always out. Rainbow Dash had not been easy to talk to, and when she did converse, it wasn’t normally about flying tips. She was out, too. Still, she had to say something. “Uh, maybe you could try finding a pegasus to speak to?” she suggested tentatively. “I know you say your parents are always busy and maybe they’re not the best fliers,” she said even more tentatively. Scootaloo winced at this. “I, uh, I just mean, Diamond Tiara, said--”
“Yeah, yeah. They’re busy anyway. And who would I get to speak to?”
Sweetie thought back to the morning. “Why not Ditzy Doo? She flew you to class. You know her, right?”
Scootaloo shrugged. “Sort of. I don’t think flying is her special talent, I wanted somepony skilled in flight to teach me. Like Rainbow Dash.”
Sweetie shrugged. “Rarity’s special talent isn’t in magic and she taught me. Just give her a chance and see what happens,” she suggested. When she saw Scootaloo’s mood hadn’t improved, she nudged her slightly with her body. “Or you could keep moping, ask nopony and learn nothing.”
The pegasus smiled slightly and bumped her back. “Fine. I guess I can ask Ditzy.”
“Yay!” She cheered and hugged her friends again. “Alright, girls, let’s Pinkie Promise not to go hunting for our marks until we all know how to use our own magic. Agreed?”
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other skeptically, then slowly nodded. They were going to question Sweetie on it, but it slowly started to sink in. Cutie Marks could wait if they didn’t know how to use their own race’s magic. It just seemed so sensible.
“Alright, I Pinkie Promise,” Scootaloo said while doing the weird motions they had all grown accustomed to.
“I Pinkie Promise too,” Bloom said slowly.
Off in the distance, they heard a mare’s voice that sounded just barely above a whisper. When they strained their ears together, they heard one word that sounded vaguely like ‘Forever!’.
Apple Bloom looked down to her flank longingly. “That doesn’t mean we have to stop hangin’ out, though, right?”
“Of course not! I just figured since you two are both so keen to learn how to use your magic, it would help out,” Sweetie exclaimed happily.
They all agreed, and together they watched Sweetie practice her magic until recess was over.
The school bell rang and everypony was quickly ushered outside. The three crusaders shared a smile then nodded, each going in their own direction. Apple Bloom ran off toward her home, thinking about what Sweetie had said. “Gotta find Big Mac…”
Her sheer determination pushed her hooves further and faster than she ever thought possible. Soon she had run all over the apple fields, through her house, and past their secret headquarters. Eventually, she slumped down against a tree and sighed. “Where the hay is he?!”
Just then Applejack started walking by. “Where’s who?”
“Big Mac. Have you seen him?”
“What for?” she said.
Apple Bloom resisted the urge to groan, but she growled inwardly. Why do I always need a reason? she thought bitterly. “I just wanted to ask him something.”
“Hmm, well, he’s out gettin’ supplies, sorry. What ya need?”
She considered saying nothing but knew Applejack wouldn’t like that. “I just wanted to ask him some stuff about buckin’.”
Applejack cocked her head and nodded. “I told you to just practice on small trees. You don’t need to know anythin’ fancy yet. Just buck.”
Apple Bloom’s ears folded down in disappointment and she nodded. “Okay.”
Her big sis smiled proudly. “Just keep at it, it’ll come,” she explained coolly then walked off, leaving her sister be.
Apple Bloom bucked the tree behind her, then winced in pain. “Ow.” She eventually stood up and cantered back to her house. Seated on the front porch, as she often was, was her grandmother: Granny Smith.
“Woo, why the long look, little filly?” she asked.
Apple Bloom looked back toward all the trees longingly. “I keep tryin’ to get AJ to tell me how to buck. All she keeps tellin’ me is take it easy or some junk,” she replied with a huff.
“Take it easy?! Ha!” The old mare cackled a bit then calmed down when she saw the filly’s gawking expression. “Why, if I had a bit every time young AJ went out to practice, only to come back disappointed, I’d be one rich ol’ coot. When she was your age, she didn’t know the first thing ‘bout buckin’. However, one-day instinct just kicked in and she got it. She’ll tell you that it’s just her special talent, but I know better,” Granny Smith exclaimed with Apple Bloom listening intently now. “Her talent may be with apples, but us Earth Ponies always have instinct. Trouble is not all of us listen to it, we just let nature take its course.”
“What? What do you mean?”
Granny smiled as it wasn’t often others came to listen to her stories. “Applejack is quite skilled at buckin’, farmin’, cookin’, and probably a dozen other things. She’s a special mare, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her flaws. If you ask me, plenty an’ Earth Ponies fail to listen to themselves, to their inner magic,” she clarified.
“Isn’t she using magic when she works in the trees? Isn’t that how it works?”
The mare nodded. “Well, sure, but that will only get you so far.” She then sighed and leaned back in her chair. “I tried teachin’ them both, Big Mac and AJ, about the finer details of Earth Pony magic. Not that they wouldn’t listen, but with a few folks, er, leavin’ us, they had to pick up the slack. When I saw just how talented they were… suddenly teachin’ them didn’t matter much. They’re happy, I’m happy. Why bother?”
Apple Bloom slowly nodded her head, mostly understanding what she said. “Uh huh, I guess that makes sense, but--”
The mare then suddenly grinned and raised her hoof to get the filly to shush. “‘Course, it’s not too late for you, little missy. Do you wanna learn the finer points in Earth Pony magic?”
“Uh,” Apple Bloom paused to think it over. When she couldn’t think of a reason to say no, she nodded excitedly. I’ll be buckin’ in no time! Why didn’t I think of this before?!
“Excellent! Been waiting to do this for ages.”
Apple Bloom then suddenly frowned. Why wait? “But how come you didn’t tell me this stuff before?”
The mare smiled even wider, then slowly stood up. “Cause you weren’t ready,” she said coolly.
“And I’m ready now?”
“Yep.”
“Oh… okay then. When do we start?”
The mare stretched her bones with a satisfying crack. She then took a seat on her chair and sighed. “As soon as I’ve had my nap.”
The filly groaned over the sound of a snoozing mare.
Scootaloo walked back toward Bubbles’ house. She tried knocking, but there was no answer. She didn’t know her mail route, so she figured she would just wait for her to come back. Sighing, she took a seat on the front porch and waited. She watched various ponies canter by in silence. Her mind began to daydream. What would it be like to finally get her wings working? She had always imagined Rainbow Dash teaching her to fly, but would it matter if it wasn’t her? As long as somepony could teach flight, she could finally fly alongside her big sister!
If these buzzers of mine would finally start lifting me, then I bet Rainbow Dash would notice!
Eventually, she became bored enough to attempt to do a little homework. She spent the time doing on her history reading assignment. For once, it actually made the time fly by; and soon, the sun had slowly started to set.
“Scootaloo?” Bubbles said.
Upon hearing the voice, she shut her book and looked up with a smile. “Hi, uh, I was wondering if you could help me with something?” she said cheerfully, hoping it would help.
The mare nodded then landed. “Sure, what did you need? Uh, you weren’t waiting for me all day, were you?”
Scootaloo shook her head. “Just a little bit, I was doing my homework anyway. I was wondering if you knew anything about flying? My parents are always too busy to help teach me and I’m kind of tired of being stuck on the ground all the time.”
“Oh… I see.” The mare took a deep breath before speaking calmly. “Scootaloo… I’m not the best flyer. I don’t do stunts or speed or even weather. I enjoy being a mailmare because I get to meet lots of interesting ponies and because it’s a breeze to do when you can fly. I…” she trailed off upon seeing the filly’s downtrodden expression. “I suppose I can try to teach you something, though I won't promise instant flying.”
Scootaloo instantly beamed then hopped onto her hooves. “C’mon then, time’s a-wastin'!”
She smiled back with a nervous expression, then invited her into the house. “Right. Dinky should be home soon, so she’ll probably end up watching us. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Uh, I guess not. So, how do I fly?” Scootaloo said bluntly.
The mare chuckled then dropped her saddlebag on a nearby couch. “First, we get rid of our bags because they’ll just weigh us down.”
Scootaloo promptly dropped her bag, then looked up expectantly.
“Right. So, do you ever do any stretches?” the mare said then began to stretch her wings out to demonstrate.
“Stretches?” Scootaloo shook her head but watched her, fascinated. Bubbles would bend down and extend her wings out, then she would shake them a bit. When she was finished with the right wing, she did the other. “Not really…”
“Well, they’re a great way to get the blood flowing. They’re a lifesaver when you’re dead tired in the morning and need to fly somewhere quickly,” she explained.
Upon hearing the word fly, Scootaloo’s eyes lit up. As expected by the mare, Scootaloo began to quickly copy her. It felt weird shaking her wings all about and bending in a weird position, but if it helped her fly when she could not care less. I’d kiss a toad if it helped me fly.
“Good. If nothing else, it will prevent your wings from cramping so much. That’s important.”
Scootaloo bent down again and repeated the motions. “Why?”
“You ever get tired after a few seconds of trying to fly?”
Scootaloo blushed and nodded. She knew that feeling all too well.
“Don’t worry about it, all fillies go through that phase. If you cramp less, then hopefully you can stay aloft for longer. It’s worth a shot anyway.”
It made sense to her, so she kept stretching for a good ten minutes. When it was over with, Bubbles took her out to the backyard so they could practice. The two stood in front of each other.
“So,” the mare began, “let me see what you’ve got.”
Scootaloo didn’t hesitate in jumping into the air while she flapped her wings in a vain attempt to stay afloat. She did manage to stay above ground for a full four seconds, one more than the last time she had tried, but eventually fell flat on her belly. “Ow.”
The mare smiled and helped her to her hooves. “Okay, not too bad, but perhaps you could go about it another way. Instead of just jumping and flapping, try just the last part,” the mare said sagely.
Scootaloo quirked her brow then shook her head. “But that never works!” she protested. “If it did, I wouldn’t be here.”
“Just try,” Bubbles urged quietly.
She sighed and then began to gently flap her wings. Up and down they went, but just as she had suspected, her body did not take off. Feeling stupid, she slowed down to a stop.
“Keep going, do it faster,” the mare commanded.
Scootaloo sighed once more but did what she said. Her wings began to flap harder and harder to the point of a tiny gust of wind beginning to fan Bubbles from the distance.
“Good! Now, just a bit harder. Really push those wings!”
Scootaloo grunted and pushed until a slight buzzing noise could be heard by both. The mare shook her head as she mentally compared the filly to a hummingbird. “That’s too fast and you’re not flapping them hard enough. Try and slow down some, but with each flap, you need to really mean it.”
Instead of listening, the filly stopped in her tracks. She looked up to the mare in disbelief. She was meaning each flap! She almost got angry with Bubbles but remembered that she had asked for her help. Begged was more like it… but what do I do?! she thought desperately.
Bubbles coughed which shook the filly from her thoughts. “What’s wrong, Scootaloo?”
The young pegasus looked down while absentmindedly playing with her hooves. “My wings always do that…” she mumbled, but Bubbles heard quite well.
“I see, that is quite odd,” Bubbles noted out loud. “Do… you perhaps get nervous when you try and fly?”
Scootaloo scoffed and began giggling. “Scared? I’ve done crazier things than just flying,” she said without thinking, “Like, this one time, the other Crusaders and I were at Ghastly Gorge and…” she trailed off, however, when she noticed that the mare was paying close attention to her.
Bubbles nodded. “Go on, uh, what were you doing there?”
The filly gave her a flat look. “...Never mind. The point is, no, I’m not afraid to fly. Why?”
She smiled and shrugged. “Just a hunch of mine is all. I’ve seen ponies mess up their flight patterns when they get afraid, so I figured the same might apply for fillies trying to learn. But getting back on topic, you have to try and cut out the twitchy flapping. Your wings are moving too fast to distribute your magic well enough for flight.”
Scootaloo tilted her head in confusion. Did flying work that way? Wings would move magic around and then you would be flying? Was it as simple as that?
Not noticing the confusion, the mare continued. “Of course, that’s just the basics. Like I said before, I’m no expert in flight. Once you get off the ground, you still need to maneuver your body properly. Sure, I learned how to do all of that; but after a while it just becomes instinct. It’s kind of hard to just teach,” she admitted.
Of course, it wasn’t that simple, nothing ever was. It’s my wings, they’re the issue! If I can just learn how to use them and get off the ground then I can figure the other stuff out as I go, Scootaloo concluded inwardly. She had never been surer of anything in her life. Getting off the ground was the issue, not the other stuff. Besides, it worked before. Why should it matter now? she thought further. She had no answer for that and knew that if she had had an answer, then there would be no point in asking for help. It worked before. “Can you teach me how to stop buzzing them?” she tried.
The mare pondered the question for a good while. Eventually, she shook her head. “No. I have ideas, but most of them probably aren’t safe to try. I think, for now, you should try and practice flapping without buzzing. Take things slowly until you’re sure that those wings can move fast and strong.”
She looked at her wings and flapped them a few times while making a conscious effort to not buzz. “Are you sure that will work?”
“I’m certain it will help. Just try practicing on and off for a few days. If after then you can’t stay afloat for more than five seconds… then I’m afraid you’re going to need a tutor. Your parents can probably hire one from Cloudsdale,” she finished with a smile.
Scootaloo’s smile wavered a bit, but she nodded. “Okay, so three days?” she said.
“Yes, I believe that should be enough. Practice until then. Come back in three days and show me what you’ve got.”
Scootaloo looked skeptical, but something about the mare’s instructions seemed to make sense. If buzzing her wings wasn’t helping, then why not try it another way? She nodded and grabbed her bag. After thanking the mare, she was soon on her way back to the clubhouse. She had some practicing to do.
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Hey so far, this is an okay story. Not bad, not good just okay and worth reading.
6591971 Interesting, is there not enough conflict?
6592293 I don't think that's it, you have the set up of a good story. It's either I'm not too big a fan of your presentation style and/or you need to do some tweaking to make it work better. Not saying that it's bad, just that it could be better. I honestly don't know how to describe it, but let me try.
Lets see here, you kind of flew by that whole cupcake knights thing, it seemed like you could have expanded on that a little more. When you have the thoughts of the characters it sometimes seems out of place for whatever reason... I can't explain why they do. The whole going back in time to get Sweetie perspective was okay, but I'll be honest that I skimmed most of it, once I got an idea of what it was about. I made a mistake, not saying yours is, with my own fiction using that kind of thing though but on a pretty grand scale, had to completely redo the chapter. You seem to switch between characters a little too freely.
None of those things are bad, nor are they good. They are what the writer makes of them and/or the reader perceives of them and to me you're doing an okay job so far. It also might help to know when this takes place, obviously before the end of season 4 as you're using the library. I forgot whether you mentioned if Twilight was an Alicorn or not. Anyways, hope I was able to somewhat answer your question.
6592418 You sort of did, but not really. The cupcake knights thing was meant to be a joke, first and foremost. Granted it has nothing to do with the overall plot, so maybe it was a poorly designed joke?
Now, by switching between characters freely do you mean it seems like, in a scene, it switches from one character's perspective to another without much warning? Is that off putting? I've sometimes done this in the past, though, I try to keep it focused on one character until I switch scenes by using an HR tag.
This is before season 4 and before Twilight becomes an alicorn.
As for thoughts, do you have any examples of poorly placed ones? For that matter, what about the freely moving around thing?
Do you mean if I'm going to switch to a scene and have it backtrack to a character to get their perspective, it should be more deliberate and more expanded?
By the way, I don't know if you're making any sense, but this is the most constructive criticism (if it is any) I've gotten in months, so thanks.
6593096
In chapter three you go from Sweeties to Spikes to Sweeties to Raritys thoughts in the same bracket. That's kind of what I mean by too freely. Like I said before nothing is wrong with it, but at the same time it feels like it's losing focus? Even though it wasn't. That's partially why I ended up skimming most of that chapter, I think.
As for poorly placed thoughts... Well It's not so much that they're poorly placed now that I'm looking at it again, it's more so that they're too in line with the narrative and almost seem to complete and/or repeat what is being said and/or narrated. It works but at the same time it leaves little to the imagination? It's still really hard to describe. Chapter 2 has this:
The very thought of not knowing every lie she had just told Twilight scared her to death. If this gets out, or if Twilight asks me again… and I don’t know… she’ll get suspicious! As Twilight copied down the notes, Scootaloo wondered how hard it would be to steal them when she wasn’t looking, copy them down, then put them back. I can’t ask for a copy; that would seem suspicious, too! I’m the one that’s supposed to know!
It's okay, yet at the same time you could do something like, "Scootaloo wondered how hard it would be to steal them when she wasn’t looking, copy them down, then put them back. She figured Twilight would notice them missing and disregarded that idea. She could ask Twilight for a copy, but she didn't want to give Twilight any grounds to investigate her life more closely."
As for the back in time thing that was merely a well... warning, as that kind of thing can totally screw you over if you don't do it right. I learned that the hard way. You did it okay, just keep in mind for future reference some people find moving back in a story a little jarring when it's not in the form of a flashback. By the way, the chapter I made went back in time like four times, soo yeah, just don't do that and you should be good. I fixed it so it pretty much only moves forward now and that was hard to do.
Finally the cupcake knights thing, I don't think it was poorly constructed. Just poorly executed. Just needed to expand on it and make it into something joke worthy. I've got my own made up game in my fiction that I've expanded on and I think successfully made into a joke and plot device.
Well I hope I was able to more clearly state my thoughts on things.
6593776 That's funny. I guilty of skimming stories, but usually it's because an author seems to put far too much fluff in their stories that fail to focus on the overall plot.
The thought thing you mentioned, the example, seems like a sort of oversight on my part. I've been trying to re-read my chapters so I can re-write things, make them seem more sensible. But that was a good suggestion to what I actually have written down. Often it can be difficult to discern what a character, such as Scootaloo, would actually think and feel in certain situations. But keep in mind that she's still a child, so I wanted to simplify some aspects, such as that explanation and her thoughts. Still, nice idea.
Do you think the thoughts, the ones I've provided in the story, are jarring? Or annoying?
Flashbacks can be very jarring too, often I find myself skimming through them because I'm just too eager to get back to the story. I know they're a part of them and it's irrational to skip them, but unless it adds something, something big, to the story then they just feel like mistakes.
You did make things more clear, and I suppose it would be cool if I actually spaced out how Cupcake Knights worked. Maybe next time.
I do appreciate you taking time out of your day to comment and give me some advice, though. Really, I do.
6593801 Naa that's the best I could describe the thoughts. They're hard for me to explain.
It's true I suppose flashbacks can be jarring as well. I would defiantly skim a flashback that I've already read, but if it was new something from the characters past that isn't yet known I can see myself skimming it if it's not too interesting.
No problem! I know exactly what it's like to get little to no constructive feedback in my own story and always leaves me wondering how I'm doing.
Anyways you defiantly got something here.
6593931 Well, thanks. I think I'll check out on of yours.
I've sometimes thought Rainbow is just to talented to teach Scootaloo, she isn't able to explain things to someone who it doesn't come naturally to. Bubbles does a pretty good job.
6595925 Ouch, you have wounded m- her.
Ah, Bubbles. That's a name I haven't seen in a long time...unless we're talking about Powerpuff Girls, of course. I honestly like Muffins as a name even better than Derpy or Ditzy, but even Bubbles isn't half-bad considering her Cutie Mark. Diamond Tiara is seeing a therapist? Can't be about her being a giant bitch, because she'd probably bankrupt her father with therapy sessions before that issue got resolved
>Glasses Bubbles
Something like this, then?
derpicdn.net/img/2014/5/20/631566/large.jpg
You know, I have to think because my brain is flooded with fandom headcanon right now, but Rainbow Dash hasn't ever actually given Scootaloo any actual lessons in the show, has she? If only Rarity were a pegasus, then her Element would involve her giving lessons until Scootaloo can fly.