To Exist

by Church

Part II

I trot into the nothing, fearless and unemotive. There are no invisible neighbors or imaginary houses, just myself and the nothing, as it always is and always will be. I keep an eye out for spots of imperfection in it, blemishes in its appearance. I can’t find any, and I never will. It is perfect.

It is always perfect.

My pace is a brisk one, as if I have somewhere to be, as if I am late for an important meeting. I haven’t had one of those in years (yes, I have been late for a meeting before. When I was very young, I worked as a savvy salespony *wink wink*). At least I am getting my exercise in so I don’t have to think about those stairs. Dessert tonight will more than likely have something to say about that, however.

What do I think about? Well, since I was on the topic, my younger days I suppose. I was such an adorable filly back then, and I had an off the wall imagination. In fact, I think that those were the days when I invented my invisible village.

Eddy, the dickhead- a representation of evil after reading Hoofer’s ‘Odyssey’.

The painting couple- conceived from my imagination upon my sudden interest for the arts.

Gerda- a character derived from Grimm’s ponytales: specifically the witch from Hansel and Gretel.

Howard- the gardener, made up when I desired to start my own botanical garden.

Of course, Sweets- an extension of myself, what I would imagine my best friend to be.

I was a silly foal. I was a foalish foal. Back when the world made little sense, back when I had to make sense of the world. My creativity certainly kept me going. Gosh, now I think back to those crayon drawings again. Where did those go? They must have been swept out of the house just like everything else has as time persists. Why didn’t William just lock them away in a box somewhere for me?

A couple of hours pass, or so I think. Nothing has happened, just as I suspected would be the case. My mind safely wanders again. I have successfully composed myself and have rid myself of fret and worry. I swim through my thoughts, finding random memories and ideas in the crevices of my mind.

I remember waiting for the bus when I was little. I never actually got to see one, but they were in my picture books, and something struck me that that is what normal foals did. I would sit on the corner, or what I pretended to be the corner, and I’d just wait for the bus. On some days, I remember sitting there for what felt like an eternity. What a ridiculous thing to do, wait for a bus that didn’t exist. Is it really so different from what I do today? Heh, I suppose I’ve never lost sight of my foalhood.

On other days when I was young, I would have a book with me. Books came around every so often, more often when I was little. They would present themselves on my nightstand whenever I woke up in the morning, every one of them something that I hadn’t read before. When I finished them, they’d disappear. So when I was young, I would carry a book into the nothing, and I would sit and read it or just gallop along with it in my grasp. I’ve read Shakespony, Stallionbeck, The Stallions Grimm, and Dr. Shoes. Never had a favorite I might add. I enjoyed every one of their company, and I’d even sleep with them some nights.

“Need a good book again...” I murmur to myself.

More hours pass. Something in my head is telling me to take off and fly, but my better judgement takes that thought and shoves it into a box in the back of my mind. I might as well just jump continuously until I reach a good height. I can climb without leaving my hooves leaving the flat course I run. It is essentially the same as scaling a mountainside or climbing a flight of stairs, the nothing just doesn’t let me fall. It is kind of silly, however, as it is not like it will ever get me anywhere.

So I trot. I trot farther into the nothing, letting my imagination run wild again. My better judgement has told me that this is okay. I have begun to construct a sort of utopia out here, way out in the nothing, about a half day trot through the day. This world is so clean, so I feel as though a city built amongst its void would be ideal. I am making that city. I am the architect, the mayor, the police and the judge of my city. It grows when I imagine it to grow. It disappears when I want it to disappear.

This is where it starts, this is where it begins. There is a great drawbridge that gates the entrance to the community, and of course I have the key. Two guards stand alert at the entrance, attentive and aware of my approach. The white walls of the gate blend in with the surroundings as the guards open the gate for me without a hitch. My key does not have to be used under normal circumstances.

When I trot inside of my city, there is a long and winding road that leads directly up to the main castle. The road splits off to other parts of the utopia along the way, but sometimes you don’t even notice those alleyways, as the breathtaking sight of the castle dominates the skyline. Ivy and other assortments of plant-life line the houses that line the street. The simple cottages of the townsfolk add a piece of hospitality and friendliness to the community, which is why I added them here in spite of grand mansions and such.

Normally townsfolk and fancy looking ponies can be seen crowding the street I currently trot down. Today, I imagine it to be empty. A utopia entirely to myself: what an incredible thing to be a part of. I am relaxed. I am in control. Should I build more today? Perhaps I should decorate the interior of the castle, add a few medieval touches. Why not? It’s my town.

The town is almost straight out of a storybook. I wanted the town to be perfect, so what better place to derive an idea for a utopia from? Those books always ended happily ever after. My utopia will end up happily ever ever.

As I near the castle, I realized I had forgotten just how huge the castle doors were (how is that possible?). I imagine them to be about ten of me fully stretched from foreleg to hind leg. I trot up to them, the sheer height of them dwarfing me, the intricately carved pattern into the wood a grandiose display of craftsponyship (or imagination). Every time I am here I have carved something new into the wood, some sort of insignia or emblem. Today, I just push open the doors to the inside of the castle.

“Well isn’t that interesting, it’s exactly as I envisioned it,” I joke.

I imagined the inside of the castle to have one grand ballroom at the entrance. Most of the rooms in the castle are blank, as I don’t know what to throw up on the walls yet, but I have the layout designed. At the far wall, there are two separate winding staircases that lead to different parts of the castle, including guest rooms, the throne room, and a banquet hall. I guess that when I designed the place, I had a sweet spot for the old ponytales of grand, medieval-like castles, so that is what mine takes after.

The walls are bare. Can’t have that, can we? No, a castle needs to be extravagant and beautiful... in the very least extremely large and impressive. So, starting with the interior of the ballroom, I begin to decorate.

I start by placing a decently sized marble statue of a stallion reared back on his hind legs in the far right corner. I line the walls with a series of torches, lit to shadow the statue and anypony else in the room. Then, I place a fountain in the center of the room, where I immediately make it spout water from its openings.

Hmmmm. I take the fountain back out. This is a castle, not a mall.

“What next... what next...”

I put up some knights in shining armor, they sit under the torches, guarding the ballroom. It might be awkward to have them stare at you while you dance, but what do I care? Deal with it.

“Um, I suppose that we could use a space for a band.”

I imagine a small stage set into the room, put in the far left corner for a proper orchestra to sit. Overall, the room seems to flow smoothly. The middle of the floor is left open for dancers and merrymaking.

“Now all I need is somepony to dance with,” I say. I smile, thinking of a beautiful stallion offering me his hoof for a dance.

“Nah, I like to dance by myself.”

*heh heh*

Wha? Did I? No...

Suddenly, I lose focus again. My utopia falters, and it starts to crumble away.

No. I hold it up. It didn’t happen. It couldn’t happen.

I heard nothing.

Sweets must be here.

Yes, there is Sweets, she is over by the stallion in the corner.

She laughs at some sort of crude joke she is thinking of.

I draw in a sharp breath, and I hold up my world.

Nothing. Happened.

*You’re such a crack up!*

My world dissipates altogether.

No way.

I heard that.

I swear it.

Loud and clear.

No. No. That is impossible, that can’t be.

Can it?

Shut up! Shut up!

“Is anypony there?” I call into the void. The nothing stares back at me, almost insultingly, “Please, I heard you, I swear I did!”

Nothing answers back, and nothing steps out to show itself. It is only myself in the nothing.

“I heard you! This time I know that I did! Who are you? Show yourself!”

Again, nothing. The possibility of another residing here is killing me now.

“Stop hiding! I heard you! I know it!”

Then, I see a small speck present itself in the distance. Is it somepony else? This is unreal. Perhaps my world has adopted another. I cannot believe it. I hold my breath, awaiting the arrival of this stranger.

A tear forms in my eye. All the years, I have had nopony else. This world is all that I have known. I just now realize that I had been lonely. Maybe this pony is from another dimension. Maybe this pony can take me to faraway places. The possibilities are endless!

The speck starts to get bigger...

and bigger...

too big.

No.

No, this is too soon, it can’t be here already.

My house has come to rescue me from my hopes.

“No! I’m not ready yet! Stop! Stop! Somepony else is here, I know it!”

My house gets closer, so I turn and run.

“Please! I need to find them!” I scream as I gallop in the other direction. I stop myself as an approaching speck can be found in the direction I had turned. William is everywhere.

“No,” I say somberly. “No, please, I must do this!”

I turn again, and suddenly William is right there, right in front of me, having snuck up on me. His door opens, forcibly inviting me in.

“STOP! NO!” I shriek. I am sucked in through the house’s front door, and the door slams shut behind me. The musty smell of the floorboards makes me sick.

I get up from the floor, and I scramble back to the door, kicking and clawing and scratching at it. I try the door handle, but it is locked.

“WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!? WHAT’S GOING ON!” I yell. The sound bounces off the walls and seeps into the wood.

As is the norm, William does not answer. The smell of dinner wafts its way into the room, filling my nostrils as if that were an appropriate response. It is not one.

I am alone again, and I never thought that I could feel so lonely.

o----o

I awake to the alarm clock ringing, a never ending cycle of monotony and bleating noise. I find it hard to say that I indeed got any sleep last night, my mind was working like a clock, and I just opened my eyes upon the smell of coffee.

It doesn’t matter. I am up, and I am ready.

I wriggle out from my covers and I exit my bedroom, where I find the stairwell and I quickly trot down it. I enter the kitchen, where a mug of coffee sits on the countertop along with the news, and a plate of eggs on the table that will go untouched. The note gets ripped to shreds on this morning. It will be back the following morning, but I’m looking forward to a different tomorrow.

I snatch the mug of coffee from the counter, plus the daily news. I imagine the news headline to read “mysterious pony found in the nothing”, but as always, there isn’t anything there. Dammit. I need to relax, simmer down some. I can’t. So what do I think about?

William, open the door.

Open the damn door, William.

I sit in my less than comfy chair, already dreaming about the day ahead. I heard somepony, I know that I did. This was not my mind playing tricks, I heard it. I am going to find that pony today, and then I will know once and for all that I am not the only member of existence.

My coffee does not even taste like coffee today. It tastes like tea... sour tea. I reluctantly down the first swig, and then set the mug on the table, displeased with it for the first time ever. It doesn’t matter. Perhaps they have coffee where this pony is from... if this pony is indeed from anywhere. That door just needs to open.

C’mon, just open already.

Just do it.

I hear a click in the door, and that is all I needed. I leap from my chair before the door even fully swings open, and I race for it. The floorboards groan under my hooves as I gallop toward the door. They’re gonna have to deal with that, because I am poking my head outside in the next instant, trotting into the nothing to begin the day. An exciting adventure surely awaits, and I could not be more excited to get started.

I steal glances over my shoulder, making sure the house is not following me as I distance myself from it. It seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I am safe. My pace is quick, and for being out of shape, it is sort of surprising. I suppose that desperate times call for action and desperate measures.

“Hello? Can anypony hear me?” I call out. My voice carries into the nothing, but I can’t tell how far. I wonder if they’ll be able to catch anything at all.

I listen. I don’t get a response, not even a whisper or a squeak. It’s a bit disheartening, but I have a long day ahead of me. I try again-

“Hello? Please, I know that somepony is out there! Anypony?”

Again nothing.

Perhaps I have to get farther out for them to hear me, or for me to hear them. So I embark farther into the nothing, my mind wishing and hoping for something extraordinary. Something is going to happen on this day, I just know it. Is this the day that my crazy routine ends?

I am getting emotional again, when I promised myself I would never again show such a thing.

A couple hours pass where I have trotted along, all the while calling out into the void and awaiting a response. I haven’t received one to my dismay. I stand hopeful that something will break through, and that sooner or later something will happen.

What will happen if I find that other pony? What if the other pony I find isn’t even a pony? What else exists? There are a lot of questions buzzing around my head today, most of them seem strangely philosophical.

Is there another dimension, another realm?

What will happen to mine if I exit?

What if their reality is worse than mine?

Does another’s company really outweigh everything else, all that could happen?

“Can anypony hear me?” I try again. Still nothing, I am surrounded by a blank sheet of paper. Now, I am a bit more anxious, “You have to be out there somewhere!”

I stop in my place for a couple of minutes. I listen intently, completely immerse myself in my surroundings. Somepony is here, and I am going to find them. If it kills me, then so be it, I will have died knowing.

“This is unbelievable. They have to be here somewhere,” I say to myself.

I continue to trot forward, my hairs sticking up and my nerves on high. I need to find the spot where they can hear me, or where I can hear them. I can’t wait until the end of the day, it will be too late. I need to find them now. But, where is that place?

I trot for another hour and still no luck. By this time, doubt has started to creep into my mind, nestling itself into my skull. I have tried to push it away, but the things it says just seem so truthful and heart-breaking.

What if you were just imagining everything?

Nopony else exists here, only you.

If somepony else was here, why make their presence felt now?

It is something to think about, but not something that I wanted to think about.

“Hello! Anypony! Please tell me that you aren’t a figment of my imagination!”

Nothing. I can feel a solitary tear form in my eye.

“No... this can’t be.”

I’m down, but I will not give up. I slow my trot down, just listening now. Listening to any vibrations or whispers or faint voices in the nothing. If they are here, I will seek them out.

Another hour passes. I haven’t said anything, I have only listened for their voice. They don’t seem to be very loquacious today. Perhaps I had scared them off last time. The thing is, I don’t think that they even heard me last time. So how could that be the case? No, I’m just not in the right spot, I need to keep going.

“You aren’t making this very easy,” I say. “You know we could have had this over with a few hours ago.”

The voice seems to carry. I freeze in my spot. I make no sudden movements. I flick my ears around to various locations in the nothing, trying to pick up on something. Had I heard something? False alarm? Oh, I’m so jumpy. I need to relax.

No, wait.

It had to be.

It couldn’t be.

Could it be?

I listen in closer, my ears acute to any sort of noise traveling in here. What do I hear? Nothing. Nothing, that is, to the unattentive observer. But, remember...

There is no wind out here.

“Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?”

There is no clear answer, but something is traveling through the nothing, I can feel the disturbance. It seems to be growing stronger as the days continue. All of a sudden, my doubts are gone. Somepony is here, and I am getting very close.

I trot again, my hoofsteps making no noise, but my mane jostles around to my annoyance. I hear something in the nothing, I know it. It has to be here, something tells me so.

“Can you hear me!? Hello!?”

The disturbance can be felt coursing through my veins now. The feeling is getting stronger with each hoofstep. I want this now, interesting how my mindset could change in two days time. At first, nothing. And now... the possibility of the discovery of a lifetime.

“Is anypony there?!”

There is a definite buzz in the nothing. With each hoofstep, everything grows stronger and more pronounced. I am positive that I can hear incoherent whispers floating around my head, taunting me. I burst into a full on gallop.

“I can hear you! Answer me! Please!”

*yay*

There it is! I definitely heard that. I don’t think that it is the same voice from yesterday, but it was very faint, so I can’t be sure. All I know is that I heard it, and it was not my own. This is crazy. Somepony else is here, and I thought that only I existed, or perhaps that I was even the last source of life. All that is going to change.

I am teeming with excitement.

“I hear you! Can you hear me? Please! I’m here!”

*louder*

Did I hear that correctly? Contact! This is unreal! There are two of them! I need to find them now, I just need to find them.

“Hello! I’m here! Can you hear me?!”

*yay*

Did they hear me? Did they? I don’t know. Come on! Use your lungs Lily!

“I’m here! Where are you!? I can’t see you guys-”

*LOUDER*

Yes! They can hear me! I just need to be louder! I just need to get my voice up there.

I inhale a deep breath, and I prepare my lungs for the job.

“HELLO! PLEASE, COME OUT! WHO ARE Y-”

*yaaaaaaaay*

One of them cut me off for some reason or another. I’m not sure what happened there, perhaps the two are coming in from different universes. I will try them again.

“HELLO! MY NAME IS LILY BLOSSOM! WHO ARE YOU, AND WHERE ARE YOU?”

I wait. There is no immediate response, maybe they are thinking of one. They obviously speak my language, so there shouldn’t be a discrepancy in translation.

A few more precious moments are wasted. Something is wrong. I no longer hear whispers or feel any sort of disturbance. I can’t feel their presence anymore, it is as if they just vanished.

“Hello!? Are you still here!?”

Nothing. All that I can feel is the void of the nothing. This can’t be. This can’t be, they were just right there.

“Is anypony there?” I whimper.

No response.

Legitimate tears begin to form in my eyes now. Damn me. Emotions make you weak. Emotions make you vulnerable. Am I going to have to classify myself as emotionally compromised?

Suddenly, a speck can be seen in the distance. I know what that is.

“No! No! Not yet! They’re here! They’re here!”

William draws nearer.

I panic, I beat my wings and ascend into the nothing. I loop and do tricks and fly faster, but everywhere I turn William can be seen approaching me head on. It’s as if I am not turning at all.

“No! They’re here! I know it!” Tears are streaming from my cheeks. They evaporate as soon as they hit the nothing.

It is unavoidable, inescapable. William gets closer with each wingbeat, and he isn’t even upside down or crooked, he just comes to me.

“Quick as a cat you are, William,” I sob. I am thrown into his front door, where I end up face down in the floorboards while the door slams behind me.

I don’t smell dinner. I don’t care. I am crying into the floorboards, letting my emotions flow freely. Curse me. Damn me. I must be sick.

Wait... why don’t I smell dinner?

I slowly lift my head, wiping the tears away with a hoof. I look into the kitchen entryway. Something is amiss here. Things have gone amiss for the past two days.

I wearily pull myself to my hooves, shaking off the dust. I stare into the kitchen with puffy eyes. What is going on? I... I suppose there is only one way to find out.

I walk into the kitchen, and I look to the table. I gasp.

Th-there they are...

my drawings from when I was little...

randomly here?

I cross to the table to get a better look. There are six drawings in all, and they are all a bunch of ponies I had made up in my head when I was little. I lift one of them from the counter, gawking at how long it’s been.

‘Twilite Sparkl’, the first one reads in crude hoof. It shows a picture of a purple unicorn with a navy blue mane and pink and violet highlights.

I set the paper down and look at the rest of them. Suddenly they are here? Why? What’s going on?

“What are you trying to tell me?” I say to my house. I get no response, and now it bothers the hell out of me.

“WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?!” I scream.

Then, the kitchen sink gets thrown at me.

Literally.

It screams over my head, narrowly missing me. I shriek, covering my head instantly as it crashes against the wall.

Then, chaos reigns.

Pots and pans fly out from the cupboards, darting around the room and shooting off the walls. The table before me flips over, scattering the six drawings around the room. Miscellaneous items that I didn’t even know I had in this household start to join the pans in the air, jetting from room to room now.

Me? I’m screaming my head off, cowering on the floor.

What do I think about? Nothing. The last thing I know of before blacking out is me in a state of utter fright.

o----o

I awake to the alarm clock ringing... from upstairs. I struggle to lift my heavy eyelids. My head hurts. I groan as I lift myself from the floor of my kitchen, and the sight is atrocious.

Pots, pans, everywhere. They have stuck themselves into the walls. For the first time ever, William has not cleaned up the mess. How... strange.

The familiar scent of coffee cannot be found. The morning’s newspaper and my mug of coffee are missing from the trashed countertop. Even the note cannot be seen. I‘m in a state of disbelief. How... strange.

I stumble out of the kitchen, and I look at my chair in the living room. It has been tipped over, and is in full recline. I didn’t know it could do that. How... strange.

Then, I look out my front door. How strange. It is already open, awaiting my exit. What is it trying to tell me?

I squint into the nothing beyond my door. At first, it is only the nothing I see, just a sheet of paper. But I look harder. Something is there... I think. Isn’t something there? I really strain my eyes now.

No way.

Is that?

Yes.

There is an ink blot on the paper.

I rush to the threshold of my house, and I peer into the nothing. Yes, it is there. A hole in reality, a rift in the world. It has to be. Those ponies... had they found me an escape route? Had they found me a portal?

There is only one way to find out.

I ran.

I ran toward the hole in existence.

Tears streamed.

My heart fluttered.

It yearned,

it bled,

it beated.

I ran.

I ran to the edge of the universe.

I ran to the hole.

It would fit me perfectly, it was the ideal size.

It was made for me,

and I for it.

It neared.

I could peer into its black void, a welcome sight.

This was my chance.

I jumped.

I took a leap of faith.

I shut my eyes.

I prayed.

I could feel it, it was passing through me.

It was so cold.

I shuddered,

I winced,

I prayed.

I passed through the portal completely.

My world was behind me now.

I opened my heart,

my mind,

my being,

my eyes...

I sank.

It was black.

Everything around me was black.

No.

No, this can’t be.

I turned.

My portal was gone.

I stared into the abyss.

The endless abyss.

No.

My emotions had finally gotten the best of me,

and I said that that would never happen.

I cried.

I cried with intense longing.

I felt another’s presence, from somewhere far away,

staring at me in my black box, as if the world had suddenly been turned off.

I cried as they watched.

I cried in the dark by myself.

Suddenly, a light flickered on in the darkness. A neon blue sign emerged from the dark, making its presence truly felt. The sign, in bold letters, read:

You.

What makes a pony exist?

Is it another’s belief in you?

Or is it simply a belief in oneself?

My heart ached.

I wanted it to stop.

Because I could never win.

And I forgot my existence as the void surrounded me, washing me away in an endless twilight.

Comments

[KiaraKovu123]

MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...please?

lol, she heard the yay, I laughed so hard at that...haha!

Please continue, I like where this is going.

Edit: COMPLETE? no, this is just the begining! i...want.............more......sigh....