“I’m going to tell you a little bit more about tall, dark, and ugly. The one you saw fly off of course, because as you’ve all witnessed he is nowhere near me in terms of beauty.”
The draconequus ran one hand over the back of his head as if it was covered in full, luscious hair.
“Where darkness grows and chaos begins, now born is a new kin-”
“Dispense of the riddles!”
“Fine, fine! So boring.”
He didn’t like being told how to tell his story, but he had no choice considering he no longer had access to his powers and he wasn't exactly an intimidating size.
“Now as I was saying. That thing that broke us out was actually the other side of me. My little dark side, although he isn’t so little anymore.”
The cyan pegasus spoke up.
“We noticed.”
“Don’t interrupt me!”
He placed a pondering index claw on his chin.
“Where was I?”
A metaphorical light bulb illuminated above his head.
“Ah yes, You see whenever something angers me or I end up hating something or the like, I passed those emotions off to my dark side, and he doesn’t forget them. You do know that trapping someone in a statue can really tick them off, right!? And do you know what I hate most? NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING!”
He glared at the alicorn who sheepishly avoided his gaze.
“Discord. The first time Luna and I had no choice. You were far too chaotic!”
“Ah yes, the good old days when I ruled Equestria. But then there was a few months ago.”
The draconequus turned and shot a menacing glare at the six ponies.
“Discord, are you saying we’re responsible for this?”
“In a way, yes. Yes you are. But it wasn’t just you, it was also those ACCURSED ELEMENTS!”
He pointed at each of the elements the six wore.
“Too bad they won’t help you much this time.”
“We’ll see about that!”
“If your minds are set on failure be my guests, but if you want my advice Darky’s probably on the second floor of the castle blowing holes in the walls or something.”
“You heard him everypony! To the castle!”
“Woah now, y’all sure Discord’s the best fella to be takin’ advice from?”
“It’s the only lead we have on stopping that psycho!”
“Well, when you put it that way, I guess we should get goin’.”
As the six wielders of the elements ran off the draconequus looked up to the princess.
“You know as well I do that they’re gonna fail miserably, right?”
“That may be so, but I can hope for better. Good luck my little ponies.”
Inside the castle the six ponies were now entering the entrance hall.
“Alright, we gotta head up to the second floor and see if Discord was telling the truth!”
“Okie-dokie!”
As they ascended the steps they all noticed something was amiss.
“My, this castle has certainly seen better days hasn’t it?”
On the second floor almost everything had at least one hole in it, was broken and lying on the floor, or generally unrecognizable due to damage, and the floor was riddled with holes.
“What happened here?”
“It looks one wild party went down!”
“I don’t think any party could’ve been th-this bad.”
“Parties? Ha! Forget about partying, I’m more interested in the destructive aftermath!”
“Brace yourselves everypony!”
They all took combat stances and on the other side of the room from the largest hole emerged the creature they were looking for, although it was much larger, so large that its horns scraped against the ceiling.
“Who dares oppose me!?”
It lowered its gaze and noticed the six.
“Oh. It’s just you.”
It raised its right arm, breaking it through the floor, and held it out so that its fingers pierced through the wall. It then raised the blade of its tail just enough through the floor for the tip to be jutting out, it then began walking towards the ponies through the floor leaving massive destruction in its wake as pieces of the floor, wall, and ceiling fell as structural integrity was being lost. It stopped in front of the ponies and lowered its head to meet their gaze.
“Do you think you can stop me? Oh, what’s this?”
It acknowledged the elements that they wore. It broke its other hand up through the floor and daintily lifted the element of magic off of the leading unicorn’s head and shook it around a little before just letting it go and land wherever, which was almost through a hole in the floor next to its owner who then picked it up and reequipped it.
“So... you think these are enough to take me down?”
“The Elements of Harmony have never failed us!”
“Is that so?”
It began laughing to itself triumphantly.
“You’re going down whatever your name is!”
The creature backed up as the six mares activated the elements and fired them at it full blast. A layer of stone began covering the creature as its movements were rapidly slowing to a complete halt. Then like that the creature was no longer animate and a statue like Discord was.
“I don’t see why Discord made such a big fuss over this guy.”
“Yeah, he didn’t take as much as he was made out to take.”
“Let’s go report this back to princess. She’ll be glad to hear it’s over.”
The heroes removed their elements and began walking out of the room. At that point, unnoticed by the ponies, the eyes of the statue flashed and pieces of stone began chipping off quickly.
“HuuuuuuuuAAAAAAAAA!”
The creature’s voice boomed throughout the room.
“What!?”
They about-faced to find the creature no longer encased in stone and was now thrashing about breaking whatever was left of anything around it, the walls, floor, and ceiling, nothing within its arms reach was safe from its flailing body. It then stopped thrashing and locked its gaze upon the six ponies.
“I’ll take those!”
It thrust its arm forward and a pulse came from it, causing the now unequipped elements to float to it and it grabbed them once they were within arms reach. It then threw the elements out through one of the inexistent walls which was followed by a bright flash of light and the sound of an explosion.
“I was going to let you live, but now...”
The floor beneath them melted away and all but the pink one fell through. The pink pony looked down and realized she was standing on air. She gasped and then fell.
“...NOW YOU DIE!”
Not bothering to check if its attempt on their lives succeeded it chuckled to itself.
“Now that those nuisances are gone I think I’ll go see what the rest of this world has to offer for me to destroy.”
It hoisted itself up onto what remained of the floor and shrunk itself down to normal draconequus size while doing so, brushed itself off, and flew away.
So, rushed. You really need an editor and you need to learn how to get in ALL the little details. That's what you do when writing. This story needs a lot of editing... Unless you wrote this on an Ipod or your phone, then I see why. Still, it needs editing.
601640
Thanks for the advice. I'll fix that ASAP.
[edit] Also I prof read my stories myself however since I wrote them I often overlook mistakes, I agree that I need an editor. My mind just runs faster than my hands when I type and write.
601885 How about I edit it?
Trying not to brag here, but I can type on the keyboard as fast as my brain can think so thats good. Anyway I have never edited something before, so if you want me to take a shot at doing that, I'll try.
Right, just looked through tha' story and it is somewhat entertaining, I like your origin on Discord's darkside and his appearance, all very inspiring indeed. You're also trying to build up some intensity, but I'm going to have to be brutally honest here. I'm not this mean harsh bully that grew out of your shoulder and is battering you until you give men your lunch money, nope, I just like to be as helpful as I can be, by giving good honest, but painful criticism.
Start off with what I'm trying to say here. Biggest problem, speech tags. Normally I see people use to many speech tags, you, they almost don't exist. We need speech tags so that we know whose talking. Although you make up for this by good dialogue and all, you need speech tags for the less obvious. Occasionally I don't know which of the six manes are talking or the ones between Twilight and Celestia.
Another issue is your perspectives. They're not that bad just that, they could use some warning when your switch who we're looking through, such as an '*' or something. I was unaware with switches between the girls and Discord, but this could be fixed if you switched between them less, at least once less otherwise it is kind of annoying when you make us bounce back and forth.
Another issue is the lack of description. This really is just my opinion and can be ignored if you dislike it or comfortable or just think I am wrong, where fair enough. But you could do with more description to build up the atmosphere, intensity and just pull us more into the world. Personally I would've liked some more build up towards evil Discord, like have scenes with the girls in their everyday buisness but feel something's bads going to happen or follow Princess Celestia trying to investigate the disturbance or really just more of a conversation between Discord and his evil side. It's my opinion, but I do feel that 500words does give enough hype and makes evil Discord less impressive. Again only my opinion.
Here's a list of notes anyways I gathered. Again they can be ignored. But they're just evidence to try and back up what I'm saying and to try and help. So please try and consider them.
wretched little ponies for if I ever escape from this ACCURSED STATUE/ Wanting revenge against thee six for escaping the statue from what I understand?... Right
a pose of terror laid motionless as usual./ Not like other statues that tend to walk around like it's nobody's buisness.
A white alicorn princess was pacing back and forth anxiously./ In my opinion, you don't need the word anxious as we can already tell she's anxious and the action's descriptive enough.
“But we sealed him up only a few months ago!”/ Whose talking?
While they were bickering amongst themselves,/ Why are they bickering? If you're referring to the two last speeches, you're better off leaving as the Princess coughed afterwards.
continued to be motionless./ Then why mention it.
“Jeez it is so boring in here. I still don’t know how I managed to do this for over a thousand years!”/ A little more warning that you've changed perspectives.
Back to the pony group they were getting close to the garden area containing the statue they sought./ Sentence could be shortened.
Back to the still motionless statue./ Stop using the word motion, it's annoying!
no, this wasn’t Discord/ Do you realise how dumb that sounded?
I’ll pretend to have never seen you here/ I hope this isn't suppose to make him sound scary when he uses something like the word 'pretend'.
“Oh really? And what was that about you helping us? Why would you help us?”/ Whose talking!
He knew he had them./ How did he know he had them? Again better of you deleted this bit.
This was news to her./ Again delete.
He didn’t like being told how to tell his story,/ We know he didn't like being told and we can tell he's in no situation.
the alicorn who sheepishly avoided his gaze/ Why is she sheepishly avoiding his gaze? Is she like acutally ashamed she imprisoned Discord?
“DIscord,/ Shouldn't you mean Discord.
But it wasn’t just you, it was also those ACCURSED ELEMENTS!”/ I'm just going to slap my own face at this.
“Oh. It’s just you.”/ Was he scared it was the boogy man?
“You’re going down whatever your name is!”/ Is this suppose to be funny?
and a statue like Discord was./ Unnessecary again.
causing the now unequipped elements to float to its hand which it then closed/ rephrase please?
Keep on writing
606171
I'll see what I can do about those issues. I really do appreciate constructive criticism, people like you allow better stories to be written, being able to figuratively sift through a pile of seemingly perfect peas and find the ones that spoil the bunch. As for the continual usage of the word motionless it was there to accentuate the fact that even though there is notable activity within the statue, nothing noticeable was on the exterior. The sheepish avoid of Discord's gaze? That was Celestia realizing she was partly responsible for his dark side being created and subsequently freed. "You're going down whatever your name is!" that was to show they didn't know or have a name for him. "Oh, it's just you." he wasn't expecting a group of ponies to be attacking him let alone the one's he met not even fifteen minutes ago. I was trying to make some things vague but what you say is true, at points it is too vague. Keep the good criticism comin' if you find anything else that bothers you.
606478
Good to know I could be of help. But just to note that what you were doing then wasn't trusting the reader, got to trust that we know the statues not moving (And if you still disagree, please use something besides motionless, it is really repetitive). Your also changing Celestia from a very proud and caring character, she didn't imprison Discord because she felt like it after all and how was she to know? But then I'm getting too much into characters, which I try not to argue about and I guess I am just being a little iffy.
But again glad I could be of help.
603844
I'll take up that offer. It'd be a new experience for the both of us. When I finish working on part three I'll try to figure out how to send it to you for editing.
While I did find this enjoyable.......I think one of the main reasons Discord works is because he isn't some monstrosity hellbent on destruction, he's a being of chaos and works through twisting ones thoughts and being very deceptive. But in general the story is pretty good and I look forward to seeing how the real discord works his magic in this.
606525 Ah could take up that offer. So the only thing I gutta do now is wait?
614415
I guess so.
It might be a while.
I need a cover image for this story. I drew the one for Space-Time Requiem, but honestly I don't think I could do this one justice. Maybe I should have a friend of mine draw it.
614415
You are working on the chapter right?
If you're not able to just let me know.