Room for Rent: A Very Pinkie Christmas

by Drax99

Scrooge You, Santa!

“Bah, humbug!” I groused. It was that time of year, and Pinkie being Pinkie, embraced the earth holiday every bit as much as one of her own. The fact that it involved gifts, parties, being friendly, and *shudder* singing, made it all the more attractive.

“Oh stop being such a downy frowny. We can have fun, and invite friends over, and sing carols!” The pink mare was in full housewarming mode. Decorations and lights were being strung up everywhere. I mean, really, did we need three trees? One adorned the lawn, freshly transplanted, as another sat stinking up the living room with its piney freshness. A third was located in her own room, and would have had a matching one in mine, but that was where I drew the line.

“I’m sorry Pinkie, but this kinda commercial bullshit just ruins the holiday for me.” I crossed my arms and glared at the highly toxic mistletoe that was hanging from my doorway to the living room. I had caught Pinkie eyeing me the entire time she was hanging it, and stood well clear.

“It’s the spirit of the thing! Friends, fun, laughter. Love, forgiveness, and presents!” Bouncing along, she managed to expertly hang each of seven stocking from my mantle, without skipping a beat. “Who cares if you buy your gifts or make them. It’s the thought that counts.”

“And how exactly did you become an expert on earth holidays?” I raised an eyebrow in question.

“Oh, well it’s very similar to what we celebrate back home. At first Hearth’s Warming Eve was just a pony holiday, all about coming together and caring for one another. But in more recent times, we have adopted other traditions from other peoples, and it has grown into something bigger than just Equestria.” Stopping, I saw her eyes drift as if reading a script while she explained this to me.

“You got that from that egghead friend of yours, Twilight, didn’t you?” I rolled my eyes.

“Weeell... She may have sent me a book on winter holidays throughout Equestria. Like this one from the Griffon Empire, where Sandy Claws brings presents to all the good foals, and feasts on the innards of naughty ones!”

“Well only slightly. Her real name was Sandstone Clawfury. She was the religious leader or something for the Griffon Empire a long time ago. Now there is all sorta holidays and stories about her. Of course, when there are gifts and parties involved, ponies are sure to adopt it. I think the more recent tradition is to leave a horseapple for the bad foals.” She giggle and waved her hoof. “And wooo whee! You do NOT want to be the one to forget to clean out your stocking.”

“And you got all this from a book?” I queried.

“Well most of it. I also got some of it from Rainbow Dash. She’s really big into the Griffon culture thing. I think her friend, Gilda, used to be some big shot ambassador’s daughter or something.” Finally stopping for a moment, the pink pony plopped her posterior down beside me.

“Well, you can decorate all you want, so long as you clean up afterwards. Just don’t expect me to get too excited. Christmas was ruined for me a long time ago, and it’s never been the same since.” I shrugged and slouched back into the couch.

“Aww, but you humans have such awesome traditions! Decking the halls, singing the carols, and spiking the eggnog!” Grinning, she flopped into my lap, where I grudgingly gave her a belly rub. What? It was like having a talking puppy. It’s very therapeutic, and I highly recommend it.

“The spiked eggnog I can totally get behind. The rest can go burn in a yuletide fire. Bastards forget what we are supposed to be celebrating, and it makes me sick.” I grumbled, as I took a swig of my own homemade, 100 proof eggnog.

“I especially like the mistletoe!” Grinning up at me, the pink mare in my lap tried her best to look alluring, but only succeeded in looking more drunk than I was. And I was pretty damn drunk.

“You know that shit’s poisonous, don't you?” I looked down at her.

“Really? Well not to ponies. It makes our breath all minty fresh! It’s better for kissing...” Again the smoldering look, as she sat up and puckered her lips at me. I noticed a small sprig of green poison hanging from her topmost curl as she tried to make bedroom eyes at me.

“You’ve been eating the mistletoe, haven’t you?” I deadpanned.

“Maybee....” She drawled, still trying desperately to pucker up to me for a kiss. I sighed, grabbing a nearby pair of scissors, and snipped the offending clump of hair and its deadly payload. With a pout, my pink pony partner rolled over and glared indignantly at me. “Oh poo!” she exclaimed, crossing her arms, uh, crossly at me. I could swear that the curl of hair I had snipped off was back in place, as if it had never been trimmed.

“Yea, I am definitely not kissing you after you have been munching on poison.” I stood up, causing my passenger to roll onto the floor.

“Sorry kid, but this holiday makes me miserable enough without a trip to the emergency ward.” With a small yawn, I wandered into my room, leaving my roommate to deck the halls, or whatever she had planned.

---

A few hours of internet surfing later, I was ready for bed. Since the music had finally stopped, I stepped out to Pinkie’s room to check on her. I know she meant well as always, but I was just not in the mood to deal with christmas. Her door was closed, a sure sign of occupancy, and I stepped up to knock. Instead, I paused as I heard her talking from within.

“Dear Mister Jeebus and Sandy Claws. I know I don't usually go in for this praying stuff. I mean, it’s kinda hard to take religion seriously after you have defeated a few demigods, and have had a slumber party with a couple of living avatars, so you can understand. This time I think I need some extra help on this one, though. My friend, Louis, is such a Scroogey McGrumperson, and I can't figure out why he seems so mean this time of year. I mean, did you forget his favorite present when he was a foal? I know he didn't watch his parents get gunned down in a dark alley as a kid on christmas eve, so I’m all confused as to what makes him so sad. Please help him find the true meaning of christmas, and cheer up. I miss my happy Louis!” A deep sigh and a sniffle punctuated the silence, before she finished. “Thanks for listening, but I really think you guys are better suited to this than the Princess. Merry Christmas, and Celestia bless us, every one.”

I stepped away, a little saddened, and padded back to my room. I wasn't ready to burden my happy friend with my reasons for feeling bitter about christmas. I would rather she kept her childlike innocence a bit longer. With a weary sigh of my own, I crawled into bed.

It was mere moments later that it seemed I was awakened by a burst of static. I lept out of bed to spot what had made the noise, only to laugh at what I saw. At the foot of my bed was a cheesy looking hologram, looking like a special effect from the old Star Wars movie. Blinking at me was none other than my old friend, Don.

“Hello? Is this thing working? Oh, awesome, I can see you! Can you see me, Louis?” He waved at me, looking all grainy and green.

“Oh, ha ha, very funny. I suppose you are trying to be Jacob Marley, here to tell me about the three ghosts about to visit me?” I crossed my arms and frowned at him.

“What? Oh shit! It is christmas there isn't it? I totally forgot with all the strange stuff going on here and all.” Scratching his head, he looked around at my room. “This is so damn cool. I feel like Al in Quantum Jump, standing in the hologram chamber. Lyra is trying out this neat astral projection spell she found in one of Twilight’s old books.”

“Lyra? Isn't that the crazy ex-girlfriend that the pony at the bar warned us to steer clear of?” I rolled my eyes and laughed. “What have you gotten yourself into this time, Donnie?”

Suddenly, his eyes grew wide, and he looked over his shoulder at something I couldn't see. “What? Oh yea, she’s a waitress back home at the bar we used to go to.” A pause let me know that someone was talking to him, before he continued. “No, no. Okay maybe. She said you were crazy, and to watch out for you. And after what we did last night, I understand why, but honestly, I never believed anything she said. Yes dear. You know I love you.”

Turning back to me, he remembered that he had another audience. “Oh, yea. Ahem.” Looking rather nervous, like a kid that had been caught doing something he shouldn't, he shuffled his feet at my raised eyebrow. “Yes, well, Me and Lyra are sorta dating.” His head jerked up. “Yes dear, I know. We are totally dating.” and back to me, “Really, don’t give me that look. We are engaged, and plan to get married in the fall, during the Running of the Leaves. I guess that will be spring over there.”

“Married. To a pony.” I deadpanned, before rolling my eyes. “I can't say that I am surprised, but I still think that was pretty damn quick. I mean, a pony?”

“Hey, don't knock it til you try it! Have you ever gotten a blowjob from a pony? They don't have a gag reflex, you know. And then there is this thing she does with her horn that *BZZZRRRT*”

Suddenly a wave of static rolled through the image of my friend, like an old television image. When the image stabilized, my friend was suddenly standing ramrod straight, and pointing a finger at me as his eyes glowed with a creepy gleam.

“Three. Three spirits will there be.” Suddenly his voice took on a deep Earl Jones quality, that reverberated hauntingly like the cheap special effect that it was. I gave a bitter snort, and rolled my eyes.

“Bout time you got to it. Let's hear the rest.” I yawned, theatrically.

“The first will come at the stroke of one.” Darkly, he intoned the proclamation. “The second shall appear to you at the stroke of two.”

“Yea, and the third will show up whenever the fuck he wants, because he’s all death and unexpected. Really man, I am not in the mood. You know how I feel about this christmas shit.” I grumbled at my old drinking buddy.

“Mock me not, for I am merely the herald of your redemption. The third will indeed come as it pleases, but none will be what you expect. This is a gift to you, so I pray that you use it wisely.”

Again the wave of static, rolling upwards, leaving the image of my friend looking over his shoulder. “-omething wrong. I can’t see anyth... Oh, there you are Louis. I dunno what happened. Lyra says she is getting tired from maintaining the spell, so I need to cut things short. You are invited to the wedding, which should be in a few months. Of course, with Discord hanging around, things never seem to go as planned. Can I count on you to be my Best Man?”

Too tired to give a shit, I decided to play along. “Sure thing Don. I’ll be there, if I can afford the pass.”

“Don’t worry about the cost. I have a few favors I can call in. Sorry to cut things short, but I gotta run!” And with another burst of static, the image faded away.

“Lamest. Prank. Ever.” I shrugged, and crawled back into bed. Don marrying a pony. Wow, that was something to think about. How the hell does the sex even work? Will she wear a saddle at the wedding? I decided I was too tired to give a fuck, and rolled over, putting such things aside for the morning.

Author's Note:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_tBtrDN6Ql8MyrUh1EirdLiiUcfmc-k-uD7NA990_o8/edit
Editing this one myself, since my Editor flaked out on me. Again.

What is it with my editors always going MIA?

Comments

[pahnazd]

And here we go, time to re-read this again now!
Let's see if there are any changes, or just copy-paste, split & checked for grammar.