it was freezing that night. i should have brought a thicker jacket. i was on the subway train going home. my hooves were hurting. the subway train was one of those dirt types, you know, full of trash, graffiti and had a smell so bad you gagged. after about a good thirty minuet ride alone on the train, i got of my stop and looked around before stretching my legs. "ugh..leg freedom, finally" i slowly walked out of the station and headed down the dim lit street. i was use to the dark. as a little filly i was always scared of it. but i eventually got use to it. i was half way down the street when i saw a pawn shop still open. i noticed the TV sets that were on display. the news was on. "well, it cant hurt to stop and see whats going on with the world" i said quietly. i looked at the story that they were talking about. the reporter was a female with a light blue coat with a black mane and a head set on. "three soldiers were killed in a suicide bombing attack this morning, sources say that this war will not be ending any time soon." great. just what this place needs. a continued war. the war with pakastallion had been going on for a long time. in a way i didn't really care because i didn't think it was something that really concerned me. i stayed and watched the weather. it was supposed to rain later on tonight. so i quickened my pace hoping i wouldn't get caught in the rain. it was quiet as usual. everything was ok until i noticed a pegasus was crawling on the ground from around the corner. one of her wings were broken and i rushed to her side. "jeez! what happened?! who did this to you?!" she was in so much pain, she couldn't respond. i heard a noise and looked around. but before i could tell what had hit me, i was knocked out cold.
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i was out for a good 45 minuets before i woke up. my head was hurting alot more than before. my ears were ringing and all i could hear was my breathing and my heart pumping. i felt my phone vibrate so i took it out and read the text out loud. "where are you? come home please. mom." i looked at the time "9:32" before i went any where i looked around. i was in an alley. non of witch was familiar to me. but i let out a sigh and continued walking, hoping i would find a way out. i walked down this ridiculously long alley and came up to a door that had an exit sign. i didnt sigh relief just yet. i opened the door and found yet another unfamiliar place. it was extremely dark. "ef this i need a light" i took out my phone and turned on its light and stuck it on the strap of my bag and continued on. i started to get uneasy and uncomfortable. i kept a switch blade close just in case. i opened another door and was in a small tunnel. i turned of my phones light. it was fairly bright inside."ugh my head" my head continued to throb. "what the hell hit me back there? and why is this happening to me?" i talked to myself a lot. so i turned the corner of the tunnel and at the long end of the hall i saw a black figure move around the corner rather quickly. so i galloped after it. but when i turned the corner, it was gone. i saw a door the had "help" written in blood on it. "what the hell?" i tried to open the door but it was locked. there was a key pad next to the door. "hmm maybe that will open it." i pondered on what i just said. "well no duh pin stripe" i said to my self. i looked around and i saw a piece of paper below a stray box. "hmm" i picked it up and i read it carefully. "ok hard hat. this is the code to the door. DON'T FORGET IT AGAIN!:2846:" i then put the note back and typed in the code. the key pad made a loud beep. and i slowly opened the door to a complete pitch black room. i started to sweat nervously. "ok pin stripe, you can do this. just take it easy and be careful" i turned my phones light back on and took out my knife. and entered the room. the inside was dark and didnt smell very good. i didnt care. all i was worried about were these sharp corners. i hated sharp corners. i entered a small room at the end of the hallway. it was dim lit but not bright enough for me to see. i hated what i saw next. a latter, going down. "yeah, this is totally what i need right now." i debated rather to go down or not. so after some thought i decided i would. i went down into the hole. but then i heard what sounded like water. when i landed i heard a splash. "aww! a sewer!!" luckily nothing important got wet. so i continued on for a good fifty feet and then heard a noise. "what was that? whos there?!" then i saw what looked like a pony whose face was mangled and wings wrapped up in barbwire and broken bones sticking out. i almost threw up. "what happened to you?!" the pony only growled and spat at me. then it tried to attack me. i yelp in fright and dogged it. i didnt know what to do. i was scared. i then used my knife and slashed at her cutting her face witch only mader more angry. "get away from me!" she lunged at me a couple more time then i stuck my knife through her throat. her blood curdling gags were horrid. i was panting as the monster died. "what...the hell...was that?!"
well here my first story, it based of a game ive played called cry of fear. in the future chapters, im probably going to put in references to other fan fics. MABEY!! i dont know. well hope you all like it!
*Sigh*
Spelling errors
Grammar mistakes
Oc self insert
I could go on and on
Is this zombies? I hope it's zombies, I like zombies.
This story has potential, but it needs time and practice. Is this the first draft of your story? I find when I write, the first draft usually goes through a lot of revisions. Aside from practicing the craft I would recommend you read other stories, be they fan faction, literature, or even a research paper, just to learn and see how other authors go about their writing. There is nothing here that can't be fixed and I would be happy to help you out if you need it.
how many other fics or books have you read before typing this?
im sorry every one. ill try hardder and try to make it better.
523534 im sorry. ill do better next chapter.
It's a great concept and all, but the spelling errors and grammar mistakes are many and close between, if you catch my drift. You need paragraphs and capitals and all that jazz. Maybe get yourself an editor?
Cry of Fear spinoff? Maybe I should give this gander.
Well written... Kind of. Remember to capitalize.
thank you all for your feed back. i know i suck at grammar. but i now have and editor. so grammar credit goes to the Scoundrel thank you so much for your help.
well... I'm sorry to say, I just can't get very far in this. It's not actually the story itself, but rather the lack of any kind of spacing between paragraphs... makes my eyes... Unfocus. A good rule of thumb is to hit enter twice after every 3 sentences, or between one person speaking and another. For example
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"The Great and Powerful Trixie demands you pathetic ponies pay her, now!" The deranged unicorn practically screamed across the town square.
"Umm, pay you for what," Twilight asked confused."
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Anywho, fix that and I will definitley give it a go.
ok ill try