The Discord Parable

by TooShyShy

Pinkie Pie

Pinkie Pie was a pony who loved to have fun. She liked to throw parties, entertain her friends, and play pranks whenever she had a free moment. In fact, she's very much just my type. Sadly, the shippers won't allow it. They're all caught up in the idea of me being with that boring, rule-abiding Princess Celestia. A shame, if you ask m-- Oh, right, I'm telling a story! Ahem.

“What's a shipper?” Pinkie Pie asks, curious.

I haven't the foggiest idea. Something to do with romance, I think. I asked Twilight to explain it to me once, but she pulled out a huge book and started talking about some weird egghead nonsense. “Fan ficcy”, I think she called it. Long story short, I still have n-- Wait a minute! Pinkie Pie, you're not supposed to talk to the narrator!

“Why not?” Pinkie replies, bemused. “I like talking!”

That's all fine and good, but it's completely inappropriate for a character in a story to acknowledge the narrator.

“But we acknowledge each other all the time,” Pinkie points out reasonably. “Why is it different here?”

Because the whole point of a narrator is that he or she has to tell the story! Therefore the characters in the story can't speak to the narrator, otherwise that would ruin the whole story the narrator is trying to tell! Do you understand, Pinkie Pie?

“Nope!” Pinkie Pie answers cheerfully.

Listen, just...do what I say. Pretend it's a game. A game where you do whatever I say and act as if I don't exist. You like games, correct? And you're bound to be really good at this one!

“Okey-dokey-Loki!” Pinkie Pie replies, nodding.

Well, that's sorted out. Back to the story.

“I just have one liiiiiitle question!” Pinkie utters quickly.

Alright, one LITTLE question. Then we return to the story and to the game.

“Just where the hoof are you?” Pinkie inquires, raising her eyebrow.

Where am I? What do you mean?

“I can hear your voice and everything, but I can't see you,” the pink Earth pony points out. “Are you invisible?”

No, I'm....not really sure where I am. I suppose I'm floating in a space between reality and fiction.

“You're in Texas?” Pinkie surmises.

“Texas”? Pinkie, where in Equestria do you get these silly, made-up words?

“I don't know,” Pinkie answers, shrugging. “The Cakes say I have an imagination too large for one head to hold, so the rest of it leaks out of my ears!”

Not literally, I hope! I dislike it very much when my imagination leaks out of my ears. I never manage to catch all of it and my house is normally flooded by the time I contain the leak. Sad course of events.

“I know what you mean,” Pinkie utters, empathetic.

Yes, I.... Oh, for Celestia's sake! Pinkie, can you please just shut up and do what I want? Is that too much to ask? There's not even a story anymore, only a conversation!

“Conversations are the best stories,” Pinkie replies serenely.

Conversations aren't even........! Ugh. You're not going to make this easy, are you? I should have known better than to involve you in a story. I'm wondering if I should try somepony else. Somepony who might actually do what I say without protest. Hmm....... Maybe it's time to look through some of your alternate personas, Pinkie.

“What's a persona?” asks Pinkie, curious.

Let's see what we have here...... Bubble Berry? No, I don't think gender-bending ever did anything good for anypony. Pinkieshy? I won't be fooled into thinking that's a persona. Oh, here's a good one! She'll definitely follow my storyline!

Pinkie Pie is replaced by Pinkamena.

Good! I can tell you're far more serious and easier to control, Pinkamena. Now, if you'll just allow me to resta- Wait, what are you doing?

Pinkamena is holding a knife in her hoof.

No, this will not do. This is disturbing and inappropriate. A pony holding a knife in their hoof? Impossible! We'll have to change this before this story gets even more unlikely.

Pinkamena pulls a gun out of thin air and aims it out the window of her bedroom at Ponyville below.

Now that's just ridiculous. A being without opposable thumbs operating a gun? What nonsense is this? No, I won't have it. I won't have it. The story has been ruined by impossibility. If we're not careful, reality itself might be destroyed.

Pinkamena is preparing the aim the gun, but the weapon suddenly disappears from existence.

Oh Celestia, its begun!

Pinkie Pie, now herself again, is swept away into the void as time and space are ripped apart. Reality splits across the middle, sucking her into a blank white nothingness.

Congratulations, Pinkie. You've destroyed reality! Are you happy?

“I'm always happy!” Pinkie replies buoyantly.

Ugh. Where are we even? It's just....white. No other living pony in sight. It's like we're....trapped in a blank document or something.

“I'm a living pony,” Pinkie points out.

It's finished! How can one tell a story when all of reality has poofed out of existence?

Pinkie appears confused. “But aren't you telling a story right now?” she utters.

I....what?

“If this isn't a story, what are you narrating?” she continues. “There has to be a story for you to be narrating, right? Otherwise it would have just ended. So there is a story, and you're narrating it right now!”

You're.....right! This must all be a part of the story! Pinkie, you're the smartest pony in existence! Well...seeing as no other ponies exist, that's not much of a compliment....

Pinkie Pie checks a watch on her hoof. “Oopsie, I'm late for an important meeting!” she announces.

A meeting?! A lovely thought, Pinkie, but as you can see, we are....

Pinkie turns around and seizes the whiteness as if it is solid. She spreads it open, creating a gaping hole. Through the hole Ponyville can be seen.

How....How in Tartarus?!

Pinkie steps through the hole and back into Ponyville, closing it behind her.

I...I can't even tell you how many laws of time and space you've violated!

“Is it....ten?” Pinkie guesses.

Pinkie, you can't just go around doing whatever you want. The laws of space and time exist for a reason!

“But you break those laws all the time,” Pinkie points out.

I'm literally the GOD OF BUCKING CHAOS! Of course I distort the laws of time and space. I was there when they CREATED the laws of time and space! I was only a waiter at the time, but I think I got the gist of it. The point is, I'm exempt from those rules. Some pink ball of cotton candy shouldn't be exempt from them either!

“What about humans?” Pinkie replies.

You're not supposed to know humans exist! Sweet Celestia, the amount of havoc....

“But humans are reading this right now!” Pinkie utters, surprised. “Isn't it rude to pretend they don't exist?”

That's the whole point of being in a story! You pretend the audience isn't there and go about your business. Bathing, reading, eating, sleeping...

Pinkie looks disgusted. “People are watching me bathe?” she utters. “Pervy!”

Per--? You don't even wear clothes!

“Oh Celestia, you're right!” gasps Pinkie. “That's even worse! People see me naked every day!”

Yes, that is the POINT. Now, about the STORY...

“You perverts!” Pinkie announces to the sky. “Stop spying on us while we're naked!”

Pinkie, don't talk to the readers.

“Why not?” Pinkie asks, frowning.

Because that makes the story very confusing. If one of the characters acknowledges the audience, it brings up a whole host of questions.

“Like what? Like...hard questions you can't answer?”

What?! I am DISCORD, LORD OF CHAOS! I CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTION IN THE UNIVERSE!

Pinkie thinks for a moment. “Alright, then. What is the meaning of life?”

Seriously? That's the oldest question in the book. What's with sentient creatures and their desire to know the meaning of life? Why does life have to have a MEANING? Really, you're all such pathetic creatures!

Pinkie frowns. “So...there is no meaning of life?” she asks.

Of course there is. The meaning of life is [redacted].

Pinkie's frown deepens. “The meaning of life is [redacted]?” she utters, confused. “What does that even mean?”

What do you mean what does it mean? It's perfectly straightforward.

Pinkie shakes her head. “Not really,” she replies. “For one thing, what are those weird things on either side of the word? They look like tiny staples.”

Oh, forget it. I should have known you wouldn't understand. Can we get back to the story? I'm tiring of this little game.

“Didn't we decide that this was the story?” Pinkie points out.

This can't be the story! You asking me the meaning of life? You breaking space and time itself with your antics? No, that's not a story.

Pinkie raises her eyebrows. “And why do you get to decide what is and isn't a story?” she demands.

Because if somepony doesn't make rules, you can literally write anything you want and claim it's a story, when it is in fact less than nothing.

Pinkie's eyes light up. “Oooh, you mean like one of those Ponypastas?” she asks. “I don't know exactly what they are, but they sound delicious!”

Pinkie, if you're so certain you know what a story is, why don't YOU try narrating for once?

Pinkie's eyes light up again. “Really?” she asks excitedly. “Do I get to make my text all cool like yours?”

No, that would confuse the readers.

Pinkie flattens her ears, looking sad. “Awww….,” she sighs.

Chin up, Ms. Pie! You have a story to tell. Let's see how you do, shall we?

Pinkie clears her throat.

“Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, a dark evil stirred. It was an ancient malevolence, a shadow of pure hatred left over from a long-forgotten war between the sun and the moon. It had slumbered for centuries, gathering its power. At last, it was strong enough to rise from the ashes of its defeat and drape its hideous shadow across the land. It descended upon the helpless ponies, devouring their hope and quenching their loyalty. One and all rose to take this evil as their true ruler, betraying the princess in their desperation to live. But the evil was not to be appeased. It sought only death and suffering. Thus the ponies died for their betrayal and their trust of this malevolence, shown no mercy in its sadistic lust. Ponykind crippled, the evil set upon the land's protector. It laid waste to her armies in one mighty sweep of its power. At the conclusion of a battle in which distant universes exploded, the princess was slain and evil claimed the land as its rightful kingdom.”

Bouncing up and down, Pinkie looks around excitedly. “So, how'd I do?” she asks. However, there is no answer. Perplexed, she looks around. “Hey, Mr. Narrator!” she calls. “Is the story over? Is this the end?” Still receiving no answer, she shrugs. “I guess I'll have to do it!” she announces.

That's all, folks!

Comments

[silvadel]

Pinkie, you are so macabre.

[Ultimate Bromaeda]

What, I made a sandwich
Hello
Don't acknowledge me!!!

[Keywii_Cookies55]

This made me laugh hysterically, I love Pinkie, XD

[radicaldinoking]

Absolutely the best!... Pinkie is adorable.

[Accurate Balance]

SCP Foundation reference?

[TooShyShy]

9117511
Unintentional.