Sayonara, Zetsubou no Poni: Negativity is Magic

by Gallant Tempest

Chapter 1: The Colt of Despair and the Optimistic Mare

“A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.”
- Henri B. Stendhal, France (1783-1842)

It was the first day of spring, and Pinkie Pie bounced along the winding path of cherry blossoms with the cheerfully optimistic exuberance that she was well-known for. She beamed with a face-splitting grin, her heart brimming with hope for the future and the pleasant inkling that today was going to be an exciting and wonderful day. She stopped abruptly in her tracks, however, when she noticed something just a few feet ahead of her that contrasted sharply with the surrounding she was travelling through.

A colt was dangling from a nearby tree branch, strung up by the neck with a noose.

After a few moments of stunned silence, tears began to creep out of Pinkie Pie's eyes as she rushed forward and bounded into the air, grabbing onto the colt's waist and desperately attempting to yank him back down to the ground.

“NO!” she screamed aloud, “You can't do this, you can't! Please don't throw your life away!”

As she pulled harder and harder, the colt began to flail his forelegs in the air, gasping heavily as the noose swung through the air and tightened around his neck, choking him. This caused the remainder of the rope to be stretched tighter and tighter, until at last it snapped apart, flinging Pinkie Pie back a few feet as the colt collapsed to the ground; he gasped and spluttered loudly, reaching towards his neck with his front hooves as he knelt dazedly.

Pinkie Pie was sat upright, looking on in stunned silence; the only sounds to be heard in the forest were the sounds of birds chirping in the distance. Eventually, Pinkie stood up and began to trot over to the colt, but reeled back somewhat when he turned to her, eyes glaring.

“WHAT IF I HAD DIED?!” he screamed, gritting his teeth at the pink mare; then he froze, relenting slightly upon realising what words he had just spoken, as Pinkie's eyes widened at this revelation. Now that she got a closer look at him, Pinkie Pie could see that the colt's coat was a pale brown with a short-cropped black mane; his tail was also styled in such a fashion, and he wore a long patterned grey kimono that went down to all four of his knees – along with a pair of slim spectacles over his eyes.

Swallowing hard, the colt put on a dejected face and turned away from Pinkie. Sighing in a manner akin to frustration, he quietly muttered, “Once again...I did not die.” whilst shaking his head from side to side.

Perking up at this, Pinkie Pie trotted over to him and gently placed a hoof on his shoulder.
“But you just said 'What if I had died!'” she pointed out.

He pulled away from her and looked up wistfully at the tree he had been hanging from moments before, replying with “A pony such as I...does not deserve to live”.

Pinkie Pie tilted her head at this and smiled, saying “Silly! Nobody would try to kill themselves on such a wonderful day as today!” standing on her hind legs, she threw her forelegs up in a grand gesture, continuing with “Today is the first day of spring! New hopes, new dreams, and new joy are just waiting to be found around every corner!”

Dropping back down onto all fours, Pinkie Pie nodded towards a huge sprawling cherry blossom nearby and explained, “If you had killed yourself on a day like today, Pink Gabriel would never have forgiven you.”

The colt squinted at the tree upon hearing this, quietly repeating the name to himself thoughtfully. “Pink Gabriel...”

“Yep, Pink Gabriel!” Pinkie Pie chimed in, her usual excited demeanour quickly returning to her, “With her branches spreading out towards the sky, each one brimming with petals; like a pegasus spreading their wings! I decided to name her that just now!”

After a few moments of awkward silence, the colt turned his head to Pinkie Pie as a look of confusion spread across his face.
“Named...just now?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie agreed, grinning. Suddenly she started bouncing from tree to tree, pointing to each one with her hoof as she went past. “And this one's Pink Young CEO, and this one's Pink Demon, Lord of Terror – and hey, let's name this one Fluttershy, that'll make for some great irony! Oh, and this one is...”

As Pinkie Pie continued her tirade of tree-naming, the colt tilted his head questioningly and raised his eyebrows in stunned confusion as but two simple thoughts crossed his mind; just who is this girl? And why is her method of naming the trees so inconsistent?

A short while later, Pinkie Pie bounced over to the colt, stopping closely in front of him. Placing one hoof under her chin, Pinkie Pie hummed quietly to herself.
“Now, let's see...what should I call you?”

Suddenly, a look of pure, unbridled joy swept across her face as she squealed “I've got it!”
Looking back towards the colt, she pointed her hoof towards him and exclaimed,
“Since you were dangling from Pink Young CEO, the perfect name for you would be…Pink Supervisor!”

The colt's jaw dropped as he heard this, aghast at what he had just been named by this complete and total stranger.
“P-Pink Supervisor?!” he stuttered.

“Yeppers! That's the name I picked, and that's the name that sticks!” Pinkie replied cheerfully, hopping up and down on the spot.

The look of shock remained on the colt's face, but his expression turned somewhat stern as he shook his head and spoke to her in a level voice.
“You know, you can't just go around naming things like that.”

Pinkie froze in mid-bounce, daintily drifting back down to the ground with a bemused look on her face. “Huh? Whaddya mean?”

The colt cleared his throat and continued. “You cannot simply name things as you please. Only those with power and money can name things in this world. Even then, you can only name certain things, such as sports stadiums…” his expression turned sour as he carried on, “yet one day this will change, and landmarks and towns will be able to be renamed; eventually, those who have the money would be able rename locations such as Ponyville, Canterlot and possibly even Equestria itself to their own desires!”

His eyes clenched tightly shut, the colt threw his head back and screamed at the top of his lungs,
“I'M IN DESPAIR! This pitiful, greedy, money-obsessed world has left me in despair!”

Turning back towards the tree, the colt pulled out both a small saddlebag and a small stool from behind the tree with his teeth, and slipped another noose out of the bag. After carrying the stool to where the branch was, he threw the rope up over the tree and, through a careful combination of using both his teeth and his hooves; he managed to tie the rope to the tree. Standing on his hind legs, he gripped the noose with his front hooves and glared towards Pinkie Pie.
“I would much rather go back to dying, thank you very much.” he spoke coldly.

Pinkie Pie looked forlorn and lost momentarily, but then cheered up and exclaimed “It's just like I said! Nobody would try and kill themselves on a wonderful day like today!”

The colt gave her a cold stare and replied in an icy tone, “Oh, really? Then what was I just attempting to do – and furthermore, what am I attempting to do now?”

Cocking her head to one side, Pinkie squinted at the colt for a few moments before beaming, her eyes widening as she excitedly replied “You were just...just...trying to make yourself taller!”

Upon hearing this, the colt let go of the noose and jumped down from the stool, trotting over to Pinkie Pie with a concerned look on his face.

“...what?” was the only response he could muster.

“Yeah! Yeah, that's it! You were just trying to make yourself taller! Although...” Pinkie placed her hoof on her chin, glaring thoughtfully at the colt for a few moments, “I don't see why you'd need to make yourself any taller. You seem just fine the way you are!”

Shaking his head frustratedly, the colt began to stammer “B-but I...I wasn't even...trying to...” before sighing and giving up, looking back towards the grinning pink pony with a look of annoyance on his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The colt that can only see things negatively...
The mare that can only see things positively...

...a meeting that should never have taken place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suddenly, Pinkie exclaimed “Oh, by the way; this is for you!” as she pulled out a small collection of coins from what seemed to be hammerspace with her hoof. “Four bits! That should be enough to pay the naming costs” she giggled.

The colt gasped slightly, looking down at the money with a mixed look of anger and surprise; he began reaching for the money, but then frowned and smacked the money out of Pinkie Pie's hoof, causing her to stumble back in shock. Gritting his teeth, the colt turned away and galloped off, screaming aloud “I...I was really trying to die, you stupid mare! And I'll never accept that name! Never!”

Once he was gone, Pinkie just gave an equine shrug and mumbled “What a strange pony. Oh, well!” before happily bouncing along through the forest and carrying on as she was before.

---

Many hours had long since passed now, and all of Ponyville was basked in the warm orange glow of the sunset. Humming joyfully to herself, Pinkie Pie was happily trotting towards the school, eager to begin the new evening classes she had enrolled in.

“I've never been to evening classes before. The bulletin board was kind of nondescript about what we were supposed to do in class...” Pinkie mused to herself, “but it sounds like it could be kinda fun! And maybe I'll get to meet some new ponies, too! Although really I doubt that, considering that I know every single pony in Ponyville-” Pinkie paused as she realised something she hadn't quite noticed before.

“Except for that one colt I met earlier today. I don't think I've ever seen him before.” At this point, Pinkie switched to her oft-used mode of transportation – overexcited bouncing – and began grinning to herself. “I'll have to ask everypony about this new pony, so that I can find out who he is and throw him a welcoming party!” she exclaimed happily.

After only a few minutes, Pinkie had reached the school. Noticing the door to be ajar, she reached forward with her hoof and pushed it open. Inside, she saw that the small, nine-seat classroom was already almost full; in fact, she was the last one there. Amidst the chatting members of the group she noticed quite a few familiar faces.

“Rarity! Twilight! Fluttershy! I didn't know you guys were taking these evening classes!” Pinkie yelled optimistically to her friends as she closed the door behind her, bounced over to her front-row seat and sat down.

“Hello, darling!” Rarity greeted Pinkie with a smile, “We were as surprised to see each other here as you were! Although I'm not exactly sure as to what the curriculum of the class will be, I thought I might as well try it out and see what its like,” she explained.

“Hey, that's just what I thought, too! Weird coincidence, huh?” Pinkie said exuberantly. Before anypony had a chance to respond, however, she barrelled on with “So, where's the teacher? Have any of you guys seen them yet?”

“Not yet,” Rarity admitted, “in fact, he appears to be running rather late, which I must say is rather unbecoming of a teacher...”

Just then, the school door swung open, and all heads turned towards the doorway as the teacher stepped through doorway. Pinkie's eyes widened with shock, however, when the realisation of whom it was hit her.

It was the same colt from earlier that morning.

“Good evening, class-” he began, but he froze the second he laid eyes upon Pinkie Pie.
“Y...you!”

Pinkie started waving her foreleg in the air excitedly, grinning happily at the colt that was the last pony she'd expected to see here.

“Pink Supervisor!” she exclaimed cheerfully.

Upon hearing this, various ponies began whispering amongst themselves.
“Pink Supervisor?”
“What kind of name is that?”
“Kinda weird, don't you think?”

Trotting over to the front of the room, the colt leapt on to his hind legs and slammed his forelegs onto his desk.
“Th-that's not my name! Pink Supervisor is not my name!” he shouted nervously, fearing for a bad first-time impression from his students.

“Uh...I don't think anybody ever really thought it was…” Twilight pointed out, the rest of the class murmuring in agreement at this – all except for Pinkie, who was just sitting there quietly and grinning at the teacher.

Shaking his head, the colt grabbed a pencil in his mouth and scribbled his name in kanji onto the flipchart. Stepping back, he tapped against the flipchart several times with the pencil before placing it down onto the desk and turning back to the class.

“My name is Nozomu Itoshiki. I am to be your teacher for these new evening classes, which I have organised myself along with help from Miss Cheerilee.”

“Huh. That’s an interesting name…and what’s with those symbols you drew, anyhow?” Pinkie inquired.

Turning to Pinkie Pie, Twilight explained “They’re kanji, Pinkie. It’s an alternate form of writing to the one we use here in Ponyville,” before turning back towards the teacher. “You must not be from around here, am I right?”

“You would be correct, Miss…”
“Twilight Sparkle, sir.”

“However,” Nozomu continued on glumly, “my name is the worst name that any creature in Equestria could have. You see, the kanji for my name is made of thirteen strokes, which I am sure you are all aware is often said to be an unlucky number. Furthermore, all the symbols in my name mean something that either relates to poor luck or misfortune.”
He sighed and shook his head despondently.

“If that’s the case, then why not try writing your name horizontally instead of vertically? I’m sure that would solve the problem.” Twilight suggested.

Nozomu looked towards Twilight with a panicked look on his face. “Well, you see…that might not be the best idea…”
“How so?” Twilight asked, a bemused expression crossing her face.
“Because…um, well…” Nozomu mumbled nervously.

Jumping out of her seat and in front of the flipchart, Pinkie Pie grabbed the pencil off of the nearby desk and started scribbling the name horizontally.

“Let me do it for you! It shouldn’t be too hard!” she exclaimed muffled through the pencil in her mouth.
“N-no, please…don’t!” Nozomu protested, but it was too late; Pinkie dropped the pencil back onto the nearest desk, and gave a cheerful “Tah-dah!” to what she had written.

Upon seeing what Pinkie had written, Twilight gasped in shock. “Zetsubou…but that’s the kanji for…” she gulped nervously, “…despair!”

Pinkie looked towards Nozomu with a surprised look on her face, as the rest of the class began mumbling to each other. “So that would make you…Mr. Despair!” she pointed out unhelpfully.

At this point, Nozomu had had enough. Snarling, he slammed is front hooves on the desk and pointed towards the door, screaming “That’s it! This class is dismissed! Everybody, get out right now!”

As the class emptied, Pinkie Pie stood in the doorway looking towards Nozomu, who had his head hung and turned away from the doorway.

“Mr. Despair? Are you coming?” she asked earnestly in a worried tone.

But Nozomu only shot her an angry glance and pointed towards the doorway.
“Out. Now.”

After Pinkie Pie had left closing the door behind her, Nozomu opened the drawer of his desk and pulled out a small glass, along with a bottle of whiskey, before proceeding to pour the whisky into the glass. Shaking his head, he quietly grumbled “Confound these ponies…” before downing the whole glass in a single go.

A few moments later, he sighed regretfully and placed the items back into the drawer, before exiting the classroom and locking it up for the night.