Chapter 1

I'm John Morrison, or as many call me, Reaper. I'm your above average sniper. I kill without question. I always do what I'm told, but of course, that's how I was raised, to be a ruthless non-emotional killer. My dad was a drill sergeant, and my mom was a medic on a military base in Georgia. I was born on February 14, but theres no need to relese the year because that's classified. Most people laugh because I was born on Valentine's day, and how I'm in the military. However, I have grown to hate Valentine's day. It's all about love and happiness, but on Earth, it's never possilbe to achieve true happiness, even if there is a holiday based on it. My parents died when I was maybe 12 or so, I remember how it went word for word. It started out with the principle of the military school I was in calling me up to the office.

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"John Morrison, please come to the office." The speaker announced in the lunchroom, and then went silent. I got up from my lunch table, and as I'm leaving everyone makes the usual "Ohhhhh" sounds because they think I did something. I left the lunchroom and walked down the hallways, noticing the usual military colors splattered along the walls and lockers. Every now and then I'd walk by a teacher and nod, and they would nod back. Once I got up to the door that lead to the principles office, I noticed two other shadows in the room with him. I just shrugged it off and walked in.

"Ah, there you are John, we have some...news about your parents." It scared me there for a minute when the principle paused between those words. I got even more scared when one of the two soldiers in his office pulled out an envelope and handed it towards me. I saw that it was sealed with some weird red colored stuff, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I pulled the letter out, and with it, I saw a silver locket that my mother wore around her neck. I wondered why that was in there. I never saw her take it off, ever, so that means...oh no. I quickly opened the letter and read:

Dear John Morrison,

We are sorry to say that you parents have died in an attack on thier base in Afghanistan. The whole place was burned to the ground before it ended. Your father and mother got trapped inside a burning building, and were burned alive. We found them huddled together, hugging each other, holding something in their hands. Inbetween their hands was this locket-

I stopped reading and opened the locket. I saw the picture of us the day before my parents left for Afghanistan. My mom had her usual military uniform on, in the upper left corner of the uniform, you could see a white box with a red cross inside. My dad was in his best uniform, an Army green suit that had all these weird gold strings hanging off of it. I also noticed all the medals attached to the left side of the uniform. There wasn't much, but enough to notice. Then there was me, I was sad because my parents were leaving. They ensured me everything would be ok, and this was the last picture I ever took with my parents. I was trying process what happened to my parents, but it didn't click. I just went back to reading.

We are terribly sorry for your loss, we mourn for your parents, just like everyone else who died that day. Once again, we hope you live on in a happy, peaceful life.

The U.S Army and Staff

Then it hit me. My parent's, the ones who raised me, the ones who loved me...are gone. I hardly have any friends, so right now. I might as well say it's just me..alone..up against the world. I looked back up, tears in my eyes, and the principle spoke again.

"I'm sorry John, but you must decide on two things here and now." The principle said with a stern look on his face.I stopped myself from crying, there were tears yes, but no full sobbing. I may only be 12, but I know how to control my emotions. "W-What are my two choices." I asked, regretting it.

"One, you can enter the military after you turn 15. Usually we wait untill your 18 or older. But due to your militarized background, we suspect great things from you in the military. That's why we want to give you a head start. However, that means school will have to be rushed. You will graduate two years before any of your fiends do. The second choice is not to join. You can go on, living your normal life, hanging out with your friends, having fun. While other people are off dying in other countries to keep you safe. Now, which one do you want." I was getting ready to say the second, but I stopped before I said anything. I thought for a minute. 'Do I really want people to wase their lives for me? Am I really that important. No, I am just anothr human being. I want to do something with my life, I want to help people, I wan to save people. I want to protect people.' I knew my decision, I was going to join the army.

"I've made my decision...I'm joining the military. I want to protect those people who are close to me. My friends, no matter the number. I want to protect families from the same pain that I've felt today. So to do that, I'm joining the military." The principle just nodded at my statement. The two military soldiers looked at each other, then back to me. I guess they were judging me by my size. I was a bit taller than everyone in my grade. I was very slim, and almost no muscle on me. I had hazle eyes, straight black hair that went down to my shoulders. I also had on a shirt that had the band Five Finger Death Punch on it, as it was my favorite band at the time. I also wore glasses, I preferred not to wear contacts. I thought I looked better with glasses anyways. The soldier to the right of me pulled out a roll of papers, and sat them down in front of me.

"Ok, sign here..here..here..and here, oh and here." I followed his orders, sighning all the spots where he said to sign. After I was finished, he rolled up the papers and stuck them inside a pocket. I was then ushered out of his office by the soldiers. Before I went back to lunch, I turned to look back. I saw the principal in conversation with the two soldiers. I thought about eavesdropping, but decided not to and just go back and finish my lunch.

3 years later

I was finally 15. Today was the day where I went to the army. I stood outside with the other people who decided to join. There were 2 boys and 1 girl. I watched as an army jeep pulled up, and saw that the usual minigun that's supposed to be on the top was removed. Probably not to scare any of us. However, I actually would like to see the minigun on it, maybe even shoot a few thousand rounds. I laughed a bit on the inside, then watched as two people got out of the car. One looked like he was very high up in the ranks. He had a fancy suit on, almost like my dad's old one. I still had the locket of my parents around my neck, and had it tucked under my shirt. I pulled it out to look at the resemblance...yep, that's pretty close to it. The second guy was a soldier, he was bigger and more buff than the two soldiers I saw 3 years ago. He seemed to have an LMG on his back, a few grenades, and I believe he had a revolver on his side. I guess he was ther to look intimidating because the other 3 backed up a bit. However, I stood my ground. I knew these people weren't here to hurt us, instead, they were there to take us to basic training. I later named basic training Hell.

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When the 4 of us got to the base, we were taken away from each other for the usual checkup. I was taken with the other two boys, and the girl was taken over to another tent, probably undergoing the same thing. The nurses there inspected everything: height, weight, everything in a usual checkup. However, they gave us clothes and other standard issue stuff for new people in the army. We walked into what looked like a barber shop, and we saw a man in a white suit, wearing a while apron, and a smile on his face.

"Oh hello, so you three must be the new recruits, come on over here and take a seat. I promise this won't take long." The other two casually walked over and took a seat. I was the only hesitant one, if there was one thing I liked about my body, it was my hair. It's usually the only reason people were scared of me. After my parents died, I just let it grow out. Eventually, it got to the point of where it came behind my knees. Most people steered clear of me thinking I was some kind of monster. Not that it bothered me, I've always preferred being alone. Especially in this hellhole of a world.

"Oh, your in dire need of a haircut son, come on over here. We'll get you first." I stepped back, even though he was ushering me to the seat, I still resisted. I didn't want to lose my hair, I know I may sound like a girl, but I love my hair. I eventually faced the facts, my hair had to go. He put a smile on his face, almost like he was going to enjoy this. He brought up the tool he was going to use to shave my head. It started with a furious buzz. I flinched as I felt it hit the top of my scalp, and felt the cold air nip at my newly exposed scalp. I watched as he did it a few more times. After he was done, I felt...bald. I felt around the top of my head, and of course, not a single strand of hair was left. I looked to the floor, noticing the pile of what used to be my hair. I sighed 'All those years...for nothing'. Soon after the other two got their haircuts we were brought back together. The girl also got a haircut, although, it wasn't as severe as ours. Before, she had hair midway down her back, now, it was a little above her shoulders. We began to introduce ourselves.

The first boy was maybe a few inches shorter than me, he said his name was Christian. He had, well, did have brown hair, and was slightly more built than me. He then introduced his friend, Chuck, who apparently didn't talk much. He was maybe an inch or two shorter than I was. He had a gruff look to him, and had a much better build than the three of us. Christian said that he and Chuck were on the football team. Chuck was the star lineman and he was the star runningback. I just nodded and introduced myself, then the girl introduced herself after I was done. She said her name was Sarah, she said that she was nothing special, she was only that smartest one in her whole class was all.

After introducing ourselves, we were brought to attention as a drill sergeant walked into the room we were in. He began to introduce himself."So, there are the...FOUR...maggots I have to deal with...hmph. Anyways, My Name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer, call me anything else, and you will regret it...you hear." He said you hear while giving us a one-eyed stare. The other ones, including Chuck, backed away. I didn't move as he got closer to us with the stare he was giving. He then looked over to me, I didn't flinch.

"So, seems like we have ourselves a brave one. We will see how brave you are after this." He then led us all outside to show us our daily routines. For weeks on end we went through the same hellish routine while Major Payne sat around and did nothing. We tried getting revenge on him by pulling a few tricks on him, but all that got us was running around in pink dresses and tutus. Finally we got to the shooting range, the one place I've always wanted to go to. Major Payne gave us standard issue M4 Carbines, and told us to put it on semi-auto fire. We all flipped the switch we found on the side of the gun. We watched as a target popped up in the middle of the field. Everyone started shooting but me, and Major Payne noticed this.

"Whats wrong Jonh, to scared you'd piss youself when you finally shoot something." Major Payne said in a smartass tone, and this pissed me off.

"Fuck no sir, I'm just waiting for everyone else to finish, so you can watch me hit the target dead center, first shot." Major Payne looked pissed with my crude remark, he began to get red in the face. I swear I could see steam coming off his bald head. He turned to the other three and told them to hold fire. They did as ordered, then he turned back to me.

"Alright then, if you're so damn sure of yourself. Try it, and if you do it, I'll let you do it again, untill you miss." I turned, nodded, and looked down my guns sights. I breathed slowly, and took in the slow breeze as it hit my head. Since the target was so close I didn't have to pay attention to wind speed. I just had to pay attention to bullet drop. I looked at the target, adjusted my aim, and fired. I watched as the bullet tore a hole through the red dot on the white sheet of paper. I noticed that the bullet hit dead center, I looked back up at Major Pain, and he was expressionless.

"G-Good job John, shoot again." He then ordered them to move it to 250 yards away. I did the exact same as last time, and hit it again, dead centre.

"H-How...are...you doing this...are you sure you've never shot a gun before Private?"

"N-No sir, this is the first time, why, did I mess up?" He had a look of bewilderment on his face.

"Well, I thing we found the groups sharpshooter, but to make sure...one more test. Set the target to 800 yards!" He yelled to the soldiers down range, they did as they were told. They moved the target down range by a marker that said 800 on it. I looked, and noticed my vision was a bit blurry. I then proceded to put my gun down and took my glasses off.

"What are you doing Private, shoot the target!"

"It's kind of hard with dirty glasses sir!" I responded in a half-assed tone.

"Ok then Private, first thing tomorrow, we're getting you contacts."

"Why sir, I'm perfectly fine with my glasses."

"Not if you're going to be a sniper your not." With this, I nodded and aimed down my guns sights. I had to aim pretty high cause of bullet drop, and had to aim to the left due to the wind. The sarge gave me a weird look.

"Private, what the hell are you doing."

"Judging by wind and bullet drop sir, isn't that how your supposed to shoot?"

"Well, most people don't take that into account. They just shoot, but you seem to know things most people don't, so if you hit this, dead centre or not, you're the team sniper." I nodded and took aim again, adjusting for the same things as earlier. I took in a deep breath and held it. I let it out slowly, and then I took in another, only this time holding it. I slowly squeezed the trigger, and heart the gun fire. I heard "Ohhs" and "Ahhs" in the background, but one stuck out.

"Holy shit son...you're the new sniper of the team." Major Payne said, dumbfounded at the skill I had with a gun. The other team mates congratulated me at being the team sniper.

1 Year Later

My team and I had finally got out of basic training. We had everything we needed for a perfect team. Me, the sniper. Chuck, the heavy weapons and explosives expert. Sarah, medic and technicians expert. And finally Christian, the shock trooper, fast and light on his feet. We were going to be based in Afghanistan, not far from where my parent's died. 'I hope I kill some of those bastards that killed my parents.' We were set to leave next week, so that meant a full week of rest and relaxation, and did I mention parties? We went to two parties in total. One was a boring military party for high up officials, they wanted to meet this so called Special Team and congratulate them before they went to Afghanistan. I must say, that is the most boring party I've ever went to, and that's saying something. The next was a rave, and I absolutely loved it. Lights, hot girls dancing in a sexy style, crazy music with insane bass..yea, my kind of party. That was the first time I had alcohol. Since I was still underage, I wasn't able to get any legally, but my superiors let me ave a few beers that they passed to me. Curious, I drank some. Only to become drunk off my ass the rest of the night. I woke up the next day in my bed, shirtless.

"Oh god, what happened last night." I muttered, and immediately looked around for a girl, thinking I brought one back with me. Thankfully I didn't, I let out a relieved sigh before getting up out of bed. I walked over to my locker, but noticed something...different on my back. I turned my back the best I could towards my mirror, and I noticed a tattoo of the Grim Reaper on my back. It looked like he was watching the land below him, reaching his arms out and casting a deadly shadow on the unsuspecting people below him. He also had a very sadistic smile on his face, almost waiting for someone to mess up so he could claim their soul. When I though about this, Death is a lot like a sniper. 'Death creeps in shadows and watches over those souls he is to claim. He stalks them, waiting for their guard to be down. He then strikes with such deadly force that it leaves nothig but a gust of wind as they disappear into darkness, never to be seen again. Death is much like the sniper. He waits for his prey to make one wrong move, and when they do, the sniper pulls the trigger. The last thing that poor soul gets too see is nothing but blackness, with death not far behind.'

I thought about that for a minute, and let it sink in. I then shook my head a bit to bring myself back into reality. "I need to finish gathering up my stuff, it's almost time to go get on the boat." I gathered a few more things like my iPod, headphones, and anything else necessary for the long sail, and flight ahead. Before I walked out I checked for the locket that contained the last memory of my parents, and sure enough, it was there. I did one last runthough of my mental checklist and walked out to meet the rest of the squad.

"Hey guys, you ready." I looked over, and they all nodded.

"Allright then, let's get on that ship!" I grabbed my stuff and ran onto the ship. The ship istelf was just a normal cruiser. It was nothing special, even though it was part of a massive fleet out in the Atlantic at this time. It had recently been brought in for repairs due to massive damage it recieved during and attack mostly by RPG's. They didn't do much, but the hull was damaged badly, and all the guns were pretty much out of operation after the barrage of RPG's ended. Once it had been repaired they offered to give us a lift, then they'd have two helicopters take us the rest of the way. We all agreed that would be better, it'd give us more time to rest. We got settled in soon after that, and would soon be transported by helicopter. After 2 days of non-stop sailing on the ship, we finally got the order to pack our bags, and we all hurried;y got your stuff together. I had one dufflebag full of things, and the othey guys had one. However, Sarah, she had two duffle bags, and a carry-on bag filled to the brim with stuff. We all laughed a bit because of her being overencumbered.

"Guys, come-on! Help a lady out will you?" We laughed even harder, Christian finally spoke up through the laughter.

"Haha, not our fault *snicker* that you women always carry so *snicker* much stuff." He then resumed laughing.

"Hmph, fine then. Well could you all please hurry, I want to leave this metal hellhole." The guys and I laughed a bit more before finally grabbing our stuff and walking up the stairs that lead to the deck. Once we got out, we noticed that there were two Huey helicopters waiting for us. I got one one, and the three of them decided to get on the other one. They said they had things to dicuss about me. I'm pretty sure they just wanted to make fun of me as they always did. However, I didn't mind. Those three were the only friends I had, and I was glad I had them. They were the only things keeping me from having a mental breakdown about everything we've been through. We took off about 15 minutes later, and once we hit city limits I noticed a little skirmish going on down below us. I looked over to the helicopter that had my three friends in it. They all had looks of horror, suspence, and awe at the fight below us. Then I started to hear some beeping go off in the helicopter, then what the pilot said scared the living hell out of me.

"SHIT, RPG INCOMING, PREPARE FOR IMPACT!" I braced myself for the inevitable explosion, but I watched as the RPG passed by my head, and out the other side of the helicopter. I felt around to see if everything was there. Thankfully, it was. I then looked over to my friends to see if they were okay. What I saw next, is what made me what I am today.

I saw my friends, cheering that I survived through that, then I heard a faint beeping from their helicopter. A thought immediately went through my mind 'Oh god, please no, anything but those three'.I watched as someone on a building shot an RPG towards their helicopter. Sadly, they didn't have the same luck as I did, the helicopter was hit, dead on. I watched as the helicopter exploded into a ball of fire. I just watched my only three friends die, right in front of my eyes. 'God, WHY, WHY GOD, WHY DO YOU DO THIS! DO YOU HATE ME! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU! I JUST WATCHED THE ONLY THINGS I HAD LEFT IN THIS WORLD DIE IN FRONT OF ME!..Why...why me...why am I always the one to survive...why wasn't I the one that got hit instead of them. They still had a chance at life, me, I chose to spend my life with the military. They could've gotten an honorable discharge and lived happy lives, but now. There nothing but a burning pile of ash and metal falling from the sky.' I broke down into tears right there, ignoring the battle below. I just wanted to mourn for my friends. I remembered all the good times I'd had with them. The pranks, the parties, the good times, the bad. Now, that can never happen again. I cried the rest of the way to the base. Once we got there, I was led to a tent to where I would rest for 2 years of my life. It was nothing to be proud of. Without my friends being here, I felt empty. I'd lost everything in my life. So now, I became a hollow shell of nothing, just someone who followed orders without question, and one who killed without remorse or regret

1 year later

I was with my new squad. I didn't bother to get their names, just their nicknames. There was me, Reaper. Tank, our Heavy Weapons Specialist. Splitz as our shock trooper. Finally there was Sparky, our technician and medic. I was the most skilled in my squad, but I was also the youngest. The other three just made fun of me for being the youngest. That is untill I saved their asses so many times out in the field it wasn't funny. They then took name of the tattoo I had on my back. They said it was like that tattoo described me, like I was the Grim Reaper, so from then on I was called Reaper. Since basic training, I haven't missed a shot. I always hit my target on the mark, and with my Cheytac .408 Intervention, it makes it a deadly combination. I usually let my teammates move to the destination as I give them covering fire, and we have never failed a mission yet. No casualties, no screw ups, everything went perfect, and we even had a few parties at the base congratulating our work.

However, one mission...things went horribly wrong.It was just another day for my squad and I. We just lingered around the base, admiring what little view we could get through the dessert that we were in. We were maybe ten or twelve miles from the closest town. So the base itself was used for an H.Q. It was the biggest base, and most operational in the sector. Our squad was the best of the best there, me being the best shot in the camp, and I usually got greeted by everyone. I usually nodded and walked on. Everyone was at lunch, so I decided to go to the computer room. We had access to internet, although we mainly used them to just goof off on. We already had all the things we could ever want at the base. I brought my own personal computer with me, that way no one would know what I was doing. I sat down at the nearest table, back facing towards a wall. That way if someone came in, they would'nt know what I was doing. That would give me enough time to close the tab and shut down my laptop. I opened the laptop up and turned it on, and there was my usual background. It was of the Grim Reaper, of course. He was sitting on a throne, had both arms grasping the edges of his chair, almost like he owned hell itslef. So, I opened up Google Chrome and decided to go on youtube. I clicked on the search bar, and made that line thing blink, making me know that it was ready for me to type my search in. I was in the mood to listen to some music, so I thought about the first song that popped in my head. I typed it in, let the video load, and hit play. I loved this song, because it describes me so well when I'm mad. I literally turn into a schizophrenic psyco, and maybe turn a little sadistic. There's a long story to how my squad found out why to not piss me off, but that's for another time. I let the song finish, then I brought my attention to the tent opening that opened, then closed. I saw it was my squad coming in, and they had something for me. It was in a long package, and almost as tall as me, it made me curious as to what it was.

"Hey Reaper, this came in for you. It has no address on it, no name, and we don't where it came from. All it has was addressed to John Morrison." Splitz said. So I stood up, put my laptop back in it's case, and walked over to my squad. I looked at the box to see a note attached to it. I open the letter, which looks like it's been through a war entirely, in fact, it was stained with a little blood.

Dear John Morrison,

If you are reading this, then I have sent you my last posession. It is my greatest work of art. The Yawarakai-Te or otherwise known as Tender Hands. It will cut through steel, and never go dull. I hope you choose to do great things with this sword, because it only desires to do good. It won't hurt anything that has good intentions, it will keep the weilder at bay when enraged as well. However, if something evil tries to harm those who do good, it will have no mercy on their souls. It absorbs the souls of the wicked, and thus the more you kill, the stronger you get for a certain amount of time.

From-

After that, I couldn't read the name. The box looked like it was ages old, somehow left for me. It was just a simple wooden box, I could see hay sticking out of the boards that had holes in them due to age. It looked like it was buried, and somehow there was another letter. This one looked more modern, and written not to long ago. I sat the box down and read the letter.

Dear John Morrison,

We have absolutely no idea how Masamune knew who you were. Maybe there was something..no, he was Japanese. Back then, they didn't even know that there was another land besides theres. We are still trying to figure out some things. Like how he knew how to write in English, or how he knew your name, and here it is thousands of years later. We thought we might as well send it to you. We would like to have it for one of our museums, but it was strictly sent to you by Masamune himself, so we had to fulfill the anchient blacksmith's request. We hope you enjoy his greatest creation, and use it well.

Tim Smith, Archaeologist

I walked over to the box now setting on the table, and opened it. I saw a sword, way longer than a katana, but shorter than myself. It kind of reminded me of Sephiroth's sword off of Final Fantasty, only a few inches shorter. It had a slight curve to it, like most swords do. However, this sword had gold embedded in the blade. You could see gold lines spiraling from the handle up to the tip of the blade. I picked it up, and noticed it glowed slightly.It didn't weigh that much, so I decided to swing it around a bit.

I was having tons of fun just goofing off, even though I didn't have a single expression on my face. That is, untill I hit one of the tables with the sword by accident. I would've though that the sword would just leave a little cut, but no, it cut the whole damn table in half. I stood there, mouth agape, then stared back at my new sword.

"Damn, I'm keeping this thing!" I said, wondering how everyone else would cope with it. I looked back into the box, noticing a sheath created for it. It was also embroidered with fancy gold designs, almost like it was meant to be something to show off. I put the sword in it's sheath, and tried to figure out where I should put it. On my thigh, where it would be in order, or on my back where I would look like a total badass. I pondered for a minute, and eventually decided to put it on my thigh opposite of my pistol. I thought it would be better there anyway, since my back is usually covered in weapons.

"Hey Reaper, we have a new mission. It's in a nearby town, apparently infested with enemies. We are ordered to go in and take them out." Sparky said. I looked up, nodded at them, and gathered my stuff together. I then regrouped with my squad inside our tent. We were all gathering out stuff together for the mission. Splitz made sure his weapons and everything were ready, as did everyone else. I was the only one who wanted to take my iPod with me, which I usually listened to while sniping. They've tried to tell me that if I take it with me that will surely be the death of me one day. However, since I have nothing left to live for, what have I got to lose. I popped in a headphone and just hit random, and it surprised me what popped up first. It was one of my favorite Dubstep songs, so as everyone finished getting their stuff together I just headbanged to the music. It starts out with a girl talking about her and her lover, I think. I know it's weird for a guy like me listening to a song related to love, but hey, I've had my fair share of rejections. Still, no girlfriends though. However, I'm ok with that, I've accepted the fact that I may be meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and I'm fine with it. Then after a bit more of singing, the drop hits, and I start headbanging a bit harder. Few minutes later, after the song was over and another one started, the squad said they were ready. We walked out to the jeep, it was standard issue, and had the minigun mounted on the top. Tank got on the minigun, I got on the passenger side, Sparky got in the drivers seat, and the other two got in the back. Sparky started the car, and off we went into the desert, again.

About two hours later, we were in the town. My squad dropped me off at a nearby building, and as I made my way to the top I decided to pull out my water to take a drink. The building was pretty high up, good enough to overlook the whole town, which wasn't that big. So when I got to the top I went to the edge of the building and started setting up my gear. Once I sat my bipod up, I checked my mags to see how many I have.

"Yep, still have 14 spare clips, and one loaded. I also have plenty of clips left for my Desert Eagle, and my sword, so I'm good to go." I went over to my long distance radio so I could tell the squad I was ready. I turned the knob on the radio, and I heart the usual static before I heard Tanks heavy set voice come in.

"Yea Reaper, you set up and ready go?" I heard the familiar whir of the minigun in the background along with a few cuss words from Tank. "Fucking Shit! Reaper, get to your spot now! We've just been ambushed." With that, I dropped the radio and went over to where my sniper was set up. I loaded a bullet into the chamber and stared into the scope. What I saw was insane. Enemies, hundreds, and they were still emptying from buildings and appearing on rooftops, so I turned on a song on my iPod and went to work.Once the song got to the chorus, I couldn't help but sing in my head, I also timed my shots with it as well. *BANG* "One shot and she's feeling better. *BANG* Two shots and she's on a roll.*BANG* Three shots and she's telling me to go-o-o-o-o-o." I did that every time when the chorus came along. Sadly though, somewhere near the end of the song I had to reload. Which completely ruined the timing. "Dammit, that always happens. Oh well, I guess I'll radio back in and see how it's going. I grabbed the radio on the ground, and called to the team.

"Tank...Tank do you read me....TANK!" I began to get worried, Tank was the toughest, and biggest one out of us all. However, my worries were soon relieved as I heard the insane gun fire from an MG3, knowing that was Tank's personal weapon, then I heard the static of the radio again.

"We read you Reaper, were on our way to pick you up now, the missions a bust. It's too hot down here. We'll be there in about 3 minutes, so get your shit together and get to the bottom floor!" With that I heard another wave of static as the radio cut off, so I quickly gathered my stuff together and started running down the stairs. I got to the bottom, Desert Eage drawn, and checked my surroundings. It seemed clear, then I watched the jeep pull up and everybody got out, and I noticed that someone was injured.

"Sparky get over here! Tank's been hit! He needs medical attention!" I ran towards the jeep as Sparky ran over to take care of Tank. Once I got to the jeep, what I saw wasn't pretty. The normal nice looking jeep was now black from explosions, had bullet holes riddled in the side, and it just looked awful. I looked towards Tank who was laid out on the ground. I noticed that a few bullets hit him in the stomach and arm, so I went over to see if everything was going to be ok.

"Hey, is Tank going to be ok?" I asked, with a very worried tone.

"Yes, the vest he was wearing saved him from most of the impacts, but they still got through. However, we don't have our gunner anymore. His right arm took a bullet, and he can't move it. The bullet seems to have went straight through the bone." I thought for a minute 'Well, I think I could be the gunner. I know I'm accurate enough, but I would miss a few shots...ohh well, I won't count it towards my streak anyways.'

"Tank, can you stand?" I ask, and I heard a slight grunt as the now bandaged up Tank began to stand up.

"Yea Reaper, it hurts like a son of a bitch, but I can stand." I went back over to the jeep and opened the door for him. He and the rest of the squad got in, and I walked around to the unoccupied side of the jeep and opened the door, and crawled to where the gunner would be. I poked my head through the bottom of the hole, and noticed that it was clear, so I got myself ready. My torso was the only thing that came out of the jeep as I stood, and I told the squad I was ready.

"Alright Sparky," I hit the top of the car with my fist "Punch it!" With that, the jeep took off, spinning tires in the dirt. We were almost out of the city, when I noticed something, and what I saw scared me to death. Along the buildings to our left and right were lines upon lines of enemies. They all had machine guns and RPG's, and I noticed one soldier pulled the trigger on his RPG. It flew out with the usual whoosh and I saw it coming towards me. I yelled the first thing that came to my mind.

"HOLY SHIT!" I ducked inside the car, and noticed the trail of smoke the RPG left behind passed right through where I was standing just a few seconds ago. I lifted myself back up to the gun, hit the triggers on both sides, and heard a whirring noise before a hellstorm of bullets went towards the enemies on the left. I think I may have hit an RPG that a guy had ready to fire, cause all I saw was an explosion, and these rounds are not explosive. I took out who I saw on the left, but I forgot about the right side. I looked to the right and saw an RPG heading straight for the car, and I said the first thing that came to my mind again.

"INCOMING RPG! EVERYBODY BAIL!" I stayed in the jeep as I saw three doors open, and 3 bodies fly out and start rolling on the ground. 'Good, my turn to bail'. It was too late though, the RPG hit the jeep on the very top. I felt the heat from the explosion as the shrapnel embedded itself in my skin. I yelled, but nothing came out. The jeep began to flip, throwing me out of it, but I never felt the ground on my backside.

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I felt the grass on my back, and the warm rays of sunlight on my face. I began to set up, eyes still closed as I began to rub my head. "Ow, what the fuck happened?" I opened my eyes and saw I was in a forest, surrounded by trees, flowers, and many other odd looking plants. "The fuck? Where the hell am I? Why is everything so colorful?" I stood up and looked around. I checked to see if I had everything, and I did. I then sat back down. "Wait a fucking minute...I was just in a desert...and now I'm in a fucking FOREST! WHAT THE HELL!...how the hell did I get here!...I need to find someone, and fast. But before that, I might as well look around a bit, maybe figure out where I really am." I walked into the forest, looking for a river, and somehow found one.

"Oh thank god, my throat is dry as can be!" I layed on my stomach and stuck my face into the river, taking a gulp or two before pulling my head back up. "Wow! That is by far the best water I have ever had!" I stuck my head back into the water, and just let the cool current flow over my face. I eventually pulled my head up out of the water and filled my water bottle with that delicious water and moved on. "Now, let's try to find someone to talk to, if there's anyone to talk to. Who knows, I may be the only person within miles of he-." I was cut off by a loud yell for help, and my instincs kicked in. I drew my sniper, and ran through the forest the best I could. When I saw a clearing up ahead, and two shadows I immediately thought I had found my way out of here. 'FINALLY! A way back to the base. If my squad is still alive, were going back in, and bringing the big guns.' I walked out into the opening, and what I saw made so many questions run through my head at once that they were all just jumbled words. Not a one I could recognize, except for one. "What. The. Fuck. Is. THAT!" I watched as this weird creature chased a smaller one. It had the body of a lioness, a snake for a tail, and had a goat protruding from it's back. It looked like a Chimera, one of the beasts of legend. What happened next however, made me want to kill that Chimera. It was chasing something small, and it looked over and saw me sitting down, and started running towards me. However, from where I was sitting, I looked like an animal on all fours, don't see how I got that. I laughed a bit, then I heard something that made me think I was hallucinating.

"Somepony! Anypony! HELP!" said the smaller creature, still running towards me. I thought two short words, 'The fuck?', before the Chimera's snake tail hit the small creature, making it fly towards me. "OOF!" was the sound I let out as I fell backwards on the ground from where the small creature hit me in the chest. I lifted up my head, and looked to see what hit me. It was a small pony, it had a yellow coat, a red mane and tail, and had a red bow in it's hair.

'The hell? What is this, some kind of stoner pony? Am I high? Is this what it's like to be high? Weird, note to self: Never get high again.' I sat up, setting the pony to my left as I stood up. The Chimera was still running towards us. Knowing it was going to kill the colorful little pony, which I thought was totally wrong, I decided to protect it. I ran towards it, and ducked under it, and punched it in the bulge coming out from it's stomach. I saw white liquid pour out from it and onto me. "OH GOD, WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST PUNCH!" I turned and noticed 6 little nipples on it's stomach, and it took me a minute to process what happened. 'So this white stuff that's now covering me is...milk?' "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I PUNCHED YOU IN THE BOOB! BAHAHAHAHA!" I rolled on the ground laughing, but I quickly regained my composure because it let out a very angry sounding roar. "Oh shit." Was all I said before I started hauling ass through the field. I guess we ran around in a circle, cause I saw the same pony on the hill over to my left, but was now standing and watching ME take on this Chimera. I thought for a second, then facepalmed 'What the hell am I doing. I'm a soldier, and I'm utterly loaded from head to tail with weapons.' I pulled out my Desert Eagle, and not knowing I slowed down when I did that, I turned around to a claw coming down and across my chest. I flew back across the field and hit the ground rolling. After I stopped rolling, I stood up and looked down. There were 5 gashes on my chest from where the Chimera hit me. 'Well, this is going to be one hell of a scar once, and if I survive this.' I grabbed my Desert Eagle on the ground, and pulled the slide back, letting a bullet enter the chamber. As it ran at me, I put all seven rounds into it. Two in the snake/tail. Two into the goat, and three into the lion's head. It actually hit the ground, slid towards me, then stopped just a few inches in front of me. I saw a pool of blood come out from under it "That's why you don't fuck with a sniper!" I said, kicking the head of the now dead Chimera. I started to walk towards the small creature, but it must have ran off.

"Well...shit...what the hell am I supossed to do now, bleed to death?" I started to walk in the direction that the pony went in.

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Appleblom just watched the whole thing play out in front of her. This weird creature catching her and gently setting her on the ground ran at the Chimera, not showing a bit of fear. He was tall, and looked very scary. It had weird things on its back, and has a sword on his left leg. 'What is that thing? It..it..saved me? I..I don't know what to do. Ah better go get Applejack. She's got ta know what to do.' Applebloom looked back over to John, and noticed he'd been hit, but watched him pull out one of his weird looking things, and watched him do something to it. She then heard noises coming from it, and holes appear in the Chimera. She watched as it fell over and skidded towards the creature. It walked up to the Chimera and kicked it, probably making sure it was dead. 'Oh no, it's coming this way, ah better go get Applejack now.' Applebloom ran off towards Sweet Apple Acres to get her sister.

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I walked a bit, following the trail the little pony left. I then saw an Apple Orchard, but this one was gigantic. Appletrees as far as the eye can see. "Oh great, just great, a farm. Where am I going to find any medical attention? Well, might as well go on up to the house, if I can find it." I started walking, until I heard a gasp to my right. I looked over and saw the same little pony from before. It ran and hid behind a bigger one. This one was orange and had a blonde main and tail that were tied up at the bottom. It had a stetson cowboy hat on, and then the weirdest thing happened. It talked.

"What in tarnation are you, and what are you doin on mah farm." The orange pony said while taking an defensive stance.

I started talking to myself. "Oh great, not only one talking pony..BUT TWO! Wow, I..I don't know where I am, I got in a fight with a Chimera, heard two talking ponies, what else is going to happen today." I said, still trying to figure out where the hell I am and why I'm here.

"Hey AJ, whats up?" Said another pony.

"Where the hell?" I looked up behind me and I just about lost it. I saw a flying pony, that right, a FLYING pony!

"Woah, what are you?" Said the cyan blue pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail.

"Rainbow, get away from him! He may be dangerous!" Yelled the orange pony.

"How can he be! Can't you see he's hurt! He probably can't hurt a fly!" the cyan one yelled back.

"Hey Applejack, I noticed that you weren't at the market today, so I thought I'd stop by and buy a bit of...what are you?"

I turned to see who said this, and to my right I saw a lavender colored pony, and a purple mane that had a violet stripe running through it, tail mached the mane as well. What I saw on it's forhead finally made me lose it. It had a HORN! THE FUCKING PONY HAD A DAMNED HORN!

"Rainbow, Twilight! Get over here!" Now the orange one was yelling at them both, and they walked over there. I finally lost it.

"Ok, I just fought a damned Chimera, saved the one that's cowering behind your leg, got myself cut up and am now bleeding like crazy and am slowly losing my sanity. Now I see a Unicorn and Pegasus, boy..what the hell am I on. I am probably hallucinating, or stoned off my ass. Ha...that's it...HA..I've finally gone crazy! After all these years of death and war, THIS! is what makes me go insane...BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...I've finally lost it. Anybody know where I can find a staright jacket? Anybody...no? WELL, THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT!" I lost it, I'd finally gone crazy. I thought I acted crazy before, but now it's a whole different story. I started laughing, uncontrollably, then I started getting light headed.

"Looks like this thing is off his rocker. Twilight, anything you can do?" the orange one said to the lavender one, whom I assumed was Twilight.

"I know a sleeping spell I can put on him. I don't know what it will do. Maybe he will act more sane after he gets treated. Here, let me cast the spell, then we will take him to Fluttershy's so she can fix him up." Twilight said, this made me go even crazier.

"Magic, great, not only do they talk, BUT FUCKING MAGIC!" Twilight's horn started glowing. "Oh great, now your damned horn is glowing, what are you going to do. Shoot me with a purple lazer, or does it come out of your mouth? Either way I don't see how this day could get any weirder. Wait a minute? Why do I feel sleepy all of a sudden?" I then hit the ground, out cold.

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"Twilight, what in tarnation is that thing?" Applejack said to Twilight.

"I don't know Applejack, but let's get him to Fluttershy's before it die-" Twilight was cut off by Applebloom.

"ARE YOU CRAZY! HE TOOK DOWN A CHIMERA BY HIMSELF!"

"I'm sorry Applebloom, but yes, we must. He's something I have never seen before, and he said he saved you. So he deserves a chance to explain himself. Now, let's get him to Fluttershy's before he gets any worse." Twilight picks up John with her magic and starts carrying him to Fluttershy's, and everybody else just follows in silence.

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A/N: Well, I've read through this time and time again. I've consulted with a friend on here about this, went through 3 different versions. I like this one out of all, but my friend has yet to return feedback on it. If he says that he doesn't like it, then it's up to you guys if I change it or not. So until then. Comment, Criticize, or just...idk...punch a Chimera in the boob? That personally made me laugh the hardest XD

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Discorded Q

Discorded Q #1 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · ·

1) Miniguns are rarely found on jeeps, they are 50 caliber MGs, Miniguns are for Helios and the occasional tank.
2) Sniper is a very bad term for his position, try 'Reconnisance' or 'Long Rang Support'
3) An actual Americal Drill Seargent might just pulverize you if you were to sware at him
4) Applebloom knows it as a Manticore, Not a chimera
5) Why didn't he use his sword for the Manticore? It's much more close range than a Deagle
6) This is more Prologue and chapter one.

Excuse me if any of this is retarded, I am using my iPhone for this and it only gives you half a center meter of writing space, Knighty better fix that.

Overall thought: It's ok I guess, however a more detailed analysis will come in a couple of hours, it is 12:35 Am here and Yo quiero dormir.
(EDIT: That means; I want to sleep)

The_Deceiver

The_Deceiver #2 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · ·

awsome story keep going

Always Shipper6

Always Shipper6 #3 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · ·

430317

Ok...first of all..with the whole sword thing. It was after the Chinera hut him across the field. It was running at him, so he pukle out his pistol as it was still out if range. So did I do better in this one? Or was my HiE better? I'm waiting for the major corrections coming from you...I put a lot of work into this to make it at least an entertaining story =D

Always Shipper6

Always Shipper6 #4 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · ·

430317

I speak Spanish as well you know XD...but you probably translated it for the non-Spanish speakers XD...no offense to anyone

Discorded Q

Discorded Q #5 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · ·

Okay, ready for a mother load of a comment...

First off, the description.

The description is the first part of your story new readers are to read. To be frank, your description is pretty bad.

Time to pick it apart, red Italics show fixes:

John Morrison, a cold hearted, sometimes quiet, smartflank (Avoid pony related words if you are describing a human in the description. At first this made me believe that he is either a pony, or turns into one... and the plot contains neither.) who has been through many tough times in his life (You could either list them, or explain that there were too many times to remember. Avoid that non-descriptive phrase.). Starting when he was twelve and in middle school (You don't need to say just "In middle school", that is descriptive, yet not descriptive enough, What middle school did he attend? and if he was 12 it would be implied that he attended middle school at that age). He had to choose two path's after something happened(That, sir, is a useless phrase, it just makes new readers frustrated, you can explain that his parents die in the description because they were in the prologue). He chose the path to protect and serve (Out of?). He was put into a squad of 4, and as they were out on a mission, an RPG dashed over John's head, he looked up and noticed another one, coming right for the jeep he was in. "EVERYBODY BAIL!" He yelled before the jeep was hit. (The description is for describing, not the story...) Everyone but John managed to get out of the jeep, with him being in the gunner seat, so he took most of the blast. When he awoke, he was in a strange land, and totally unharmed. With his pistol drawn, he sets out to find how he got into this strange land, but as he was walking, he heard someone scream. (This is an OK sentence, you could end the description here, to entice mystery and anticipation, thus hooking the reader before they even start). His protective instincts kicked in, he ran towards the scream, only to notice something big chasing...something small. (How typical -_-) ("Parentheses in writing (however necessary) are not required." you don't need that bit of A/n there.)

Will John save this colorful creature? How will John deal with this strange land he mysteriously woke up in? What are it's main inhabitants? Are they hostile or friendly? (When will authors stop asking plot spoiling questions in the description? You don't need these, these just say that you ran out of ideas.) All will be answered in my VERY FIRST MiE (that's what it's called right?) fic "The Heart of a Soldier". Yes, Ik I'm currently working on an HiE fic, but I thought I'd give a shot at MiE...see if it was more my speed. Remember, always leave comments on what you think of the story =D..I'm also open to criticism. So talk and comment away. I also know I have the whole military thing weird, I just did it my way. XD (Why is this connected? Split it from the main description was a horizontal ruler ([h r] without spaces), author's notes should never be in the main part of the description.)
HORIZONTAL RULER IN ACTION

Now the separation of the Prologue with the first chapter... (Yey...)

Okay, this would make an ideal prologue:

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Dear John Morrison,

We are terribly sorry for your loss, we mourn for your parents, just like everyone else who died that day. Once again, we hope you live on in a happy, peaceful life.

The U.S Army and Staff

And end it there, it seems legit. I WILL NOT pick this apart as I did the description. However, I think I could just... re-write... it...

HOWEVER BEFORE I DO!

Some points:

1) Ok fine is position is called Sniper, HOWEVER, snipers can not do their job alone, they always have a partner called a Spotter. Spotters give range, wind speed, distance, and moral support for his Sniper buddy. Who is Reaper's spotter?
2) Chimera: (in Greek mythology) a fire-breathing female monster with three heads lion's head, a goat's head, and a Dragon's head, also it has a serpent as it's tail.
(When searching "chimera" in google:)
scaryforkids.com/pics/chimera.jpg
Manticore: A mythical beast typically depicted as having the body and head of a lion, bat like wings, and the sting of a scorpion.
(When searching "manticore" in google images:)
s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyae6yRbNw1ql8nzuo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAI6WLSGT7Y3ET7ADQ&Expires=1334100311&Signature=O1swCWzd2uKBQ%2BInVi%2FAOAaGKS8%3D
Hope I sorted that out... It is a Manticore, not a chimera.
3) "Oh thank god, my throat is dry as can be!" I layed on my stomach and stuck my face into the river, taking a gulp or two before pulling my head back up. Soldiers with a mind between their shoulders would NOT do this. They become completely undefended and are liable to be shot by the enemy. They would however use a bottle.
4)"Sephiroths sword" -> "Sephiroth's sword"
5)Sparky would be more a "nurse" as medic is generally the male term.
6)"Haha, not our fault *snicker* that you women always carry so *snicker* much stuff." He then resumed laughing. THAT IS SILLY! you don't need actions in speech, insead try: "AHAha, well it's not our fault that you women always carry so much stuff!" He choked out between snickers, then promptly resumed laughing. Though, I have a hard time believing that the squad of 4 would pick out the nurse for bringing too much stuff if it's to KEEP THEM ALIVE.

Meditate on this while I rewrite your prologue...

Always Shipper6

Always Shipper6 #6 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · ·

432444

I'll make sure to fix those...but thank's again for the criticism...I take it this one is better than my other story starting out? But the thing about the chimera. I looked it up, and I got the definition of it from wikipedia. It said it had a snake for a tail, a lioness's body, a goat coming out from it's back, and a normal male lion's head. I went by this description...btw..cool pics bro XD...and rlly...thanks for the help. your criticism really helped me last time.

thelazycommenter

thelazycommenter #7 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · ·

WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE LET ME SLEEP!

it's 7am and I haven't even slept yet....

Always Shipper6

Always Shipper6 #8 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · ·

432654

ok...what?

thelazycommenter

thelazycommenter #9 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · ·

432658 I may or may not have spent the past 5 hours reading pony stories about humans in equestria, and kept telling myself that "this is the last one, then off to sleep"

and out of the 15 ones that I found today, you're one is the second best!

Always Shipper6

Always Shipper6 #10 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · ·

432675

Ha...sounds like me when I first got on the site. And thanks for the compliment. Since I'm working on two stories, it may take me a while to get the chapters out (My first one isn't near as good as this one if you ask me...first chapter wise anyways). But I'm glad you liked it

garouken

garouken #11 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · ·

best story i have read so far. plz keep going

Blue Tunes

Blue Tunes #12 · Apr 11th, 2012 · · ·

Issue I have is with the whole 'team sniper' thing. He's a sharpshooter, snipers go through an entirely seperate training process. The other thing that didn't really sit right with me is the whole 'pressure a 12 year old kid to join the military the day his parents die' thing. Otherwise it's quite well written and i'm interested in reading more

Always Shipper6

Always Shipper6 #13 · Apr 11th, 2012 · · ·

439288

Like I said...I know absolutely nothing about the whole military thing. I just winged it. I know I shouldve done at least SOME research on it, but my mind wouldn't let go of this story until I at least wrote one chapter. But I'm glad you like the story, and thank you for stating your opinion

Buck525

Buck525 #14 · May 25th, 2012 · 1 · ·

So many things I noticed:
I wrote this as i was reading your story so everything is in order.
I overlooked misspellings for the most part and i stopped listing errors halfway through this chapter.

format to read these: what you wrote / what i think it should be/ what was changed or comments

1: I was born on February 14, but there's no need to release the year because that's classified. // No one's birth year is classified. ( I have a top secret clearance, I know)

2. It's all about love and happiness, but on Earth, it's never possilbe to achieve true happiness, even if there is a holiday based on it. / It's all about love and happiness, but on Earth it's impossilbe to achieve true happiness. / You can end the sentence at true happiness.

3. My parents died when I was maybe 12 or so, / My parents died when I was maybe 12 or so. / period instead of comma

4. It started out with the principle of the military school I was in calling me up to the office. / It started with the principle of military school calling me up to his office.

5. "John Morrison, please come to the office." The speaker announced in the lunchroom, and then went silent. / "John Morrison, please come to the office", the speaker announced in the lunchroom. Try not to be too descriptive, the speaker going silent is a given.

6. I got up from my lunch table, and as I'm leaving everyone makes the usual "Ohhhhh" sounds because they think I did something. / usual, "Ohhhhh", sounds / nothing big here just commas

7. Once I got up to the door that lead to the principles office, I noticed two other shadows in the room with him. / Once I got to the door I noticed three shadows in the principles office. One i presumed to be the principle, but i had no clue who the other two could be. / i took some extra liberties with this If you have to use multiple sentences to describe a scene then so be it. Don't try to put everything into one sentence. The next sentence should be like: As I entered the office, (describe the office). (be sure to make include the soldiers in the office because i was caught completely off guard when one suddenly appeared with an envelope.)

8. "Ah, there you are John, we have some...news about your parents." It scared me there for a minute when the principle paused between those words. / "Ah there you are John, we have some", fear set in as the principle paused for a moment, "news about your parents". / Keep the order going forward, no one likes to reread a sentence.

9. I got even more scared when one of the two soldiers in his office pulled out an envelope and handed it towards me. / I became more fearful as one of the soldiers pulled out an envelope and handed it to me. / Since I rephrased the last sentence must rephrase this as well.

10. I saw that it was sealed with some weird red colored stuff, but I didn't pay any attention to it. / I saw that it was sealed with some red wax, but I paid it no attention as I pulled out the letter. (The ending to the sentence was abrupt and needed more details.)

11. I pulled the letter out, and with it, I saw a silver locket that my mother wore around her neck. I wondered why that was in there. / With the letter was a silver locket, the same silver locket that my mother wore around her neck. I began to wonder why it was here. /

12. I never saw her take it off, ever, so that means...oh no. I quickly opened the letter and read: // change means to meant.

13. We are sorry to say that you parents have died in an attack on thier base in Afghanistan. / We are sorry to say that you parents have died, in an attack on their base in Afghanistan. / grammar and misspelling their as thier.

14. The whole place was burned to the ground before it ended. / The entire area was burned to the ground. / whole place doesn't sound right and again too much detail. it ended is a given.

15. Inbetween their hands was this locket- / In between their hands was this locket. / It's a complete sentence you don't need to put the - unless he was being cut off mid sentence.

16. My mom had her usual military uniform on, in the upper left corner of the uniform, you could see a white box with a red cross inside. / My mom had her usual military uniform on. In the upper left corner of her uniform you could see a white box with a red cross inside. / more grammar.

17. I also noticed all the medals attached to the left side of the uniform. / I also noticed the medals attached to the right side of his uniform. / Describing as seen from his eyes it would be on the right side of the uniform. For those that know that detail it feels weird to force a change of perspective for the description.

18. They ensured me everything would be ok, and this was the last picture I ever took with my parents. / They assured me that everything would be ok. This was the last picture I ever took with my parents. / assured not ensured. again too many details in one sentence.

19. I was trying process what happened to my parents, but it didn't click. / I was trying to process what had happened to my parents, but it didn't click in my head. / small grammar detail.

20. We are terribly sorry for your loss, we mourn for your parents, just like everyone else who died that day. Once again, we hope you live on in a happy, peaceful life. / We are terribly sorry for your loss. We mourn for your parents. We hope you live a happy, peaceful life. / again too many details "just like everyone else who died that day" just sounds like an insult.

21. The U.S Army and Staff /
Respectfully
Chief of Staff Gen. Raymond T. Odierno / (or whatever name you want to put.) Usually letters like this are signed by the Chiefs of Staff

22. I hardly have any friends, so right now. I might as well say it's just me..alone..up against the world. / I hardly have any friends, so right now it's just me, alone, against the world. / More grammar. Pauses in speach are usually indicated by commas. When you have pauses in speach try to put what he's thinking during the pause, this way it will feel more natural as the reader begins the next part of the sentence.

23. "I'm sorry John, but you must decide on two things here and now." The principle said with a stern look on his face. / "I'm sorry John, but you must decide on two things here and now", said the principle, a stern look upon his face.

24. I stopped myself from crying, there were tears yes, but no full sobbing. / Tears began to flow from my eyes, but I kept myself from letting my sorrow get the better of me. / I completely rephrased this one because it didn't sound right when I first read it..

25. "W-What are my two choices." I asked, regretting it. / "W-What are my choices." I asked, immediately regretting the decision. / If he's stuttering on what i don't think he'll be able to say two. "regretting it" isn't very descriptive.

26. "One, you can enter the military after you turn 15. / "One, you can enter into the military once you turn fifteen.

27. Usually we wait untill your 18 or older. But due to your militarized background, we suspect great things from you in the military. / Normally we would wait until you turned 18 or older, but due to your militarized background, we suspect that you will be able to acomplish great things in the military. / Grammar mostly.

28. You will graduate two years before any of your fiends do. / You will have to graduate two years before any of your fiends do. / Grammar again.

29. You can go on, living your normal life, hanging out with your friends, having fun. / You can go on, living your normal life. Hanging out with your friends and having fun. / run on and grammar.

30. While other people are off dying in other countries to keep you safe. / While others are off dying to keep you safe. / again stating what is assumed. Try to avoid using the word people unless you have to.

31. Am I really that important. / Am I really that important? / It's a question not a statement.

32. life, / life. / end of sentence

33. I knew my decision, I was going to join the army. / I knew what my decision would be, I was going to join the army. / more descriptive

34. I was very slim, and almost no muscle on me. / I was very slim, and had almost no muscle on me. / Grammar

35. I had hazle eyes, straight black hair that went down to my shoulders. / I had hazel eyes and straight black hair that went down to my shoulders.

36. I also had on a shirt that had the band Five Finger Death Punch on it, as it was my favorite band at the time. / I was wearing a shirt that had the band, Five Finger Death Punch, on it. It was my favorite band at the time.

37. I also wore glasses, I preferred not to wear contacts. / I was also wearing glasses, as I preferred not to wear contacts.

38. I was then ushered out of his office by the soldiers. / I was then ushered out of his office. / assumed description

39. Today was the day where I went to the army. / Today was the day when I went to the army.

40. I stood outside with the other people who decided to join. / I stood outside with a few others who had decided to join. / people here is fine, but I'd still try to avoid the word.

41. jeep pulled up, and saw that the usual minigun that's supposed / hummer pulled up, and I saw that the usual machine gun that's supposed / Hummer are the vehicle that have machine gun mounts. Jeeps don't usually get them. There is not a single hummer that has a minigun mount on it.

42. you will regret it...you hear." He said you hear while giving us a one-eyed stare. / you will regret it", he closed one of his eyes and stared us down, "you hear". / Use the pauses available to you for descriptions.

43. The other ones, including Chuck, backed away. / The others, including Chuck, backed away.

44. "Whats wrong Jonh, to scared you'd piss youself when you finally shoot something." Major Payne said in a smartass tone, and this pissed me off. / "Whats wrong John, too scared you'd pissed yourself when you finally got to shoot something," the major said a smartass tone in his voice. It pissed me off.

45. "Well, I think we found the group's sharpshooter, but to make sure... one more test. / "Well, I think we found the group's sharpshooter, but to make sure, he took a moment to think, one more test. / again injecting thought into pauses works wonders.

46. // Who is his spotter?

47. We were going to be based in Afghanistan, not far from where my parent's died. / We were going to be deployed in Afghanistan, not far from where my parent's died. / deployed is the army jargon for being sent to any bases overseas.

48. I must say, that is the most boring party I've ever went to, and that's saying something. / I must say, that is the most boring party I've ever gone to, and that's saying something. / Grammar

49. 'Death creeps in shadows and watches over those souls he is to claim. / 'Death creeps in shadows and watches over those souls that he is there to claim. / Grammar

50. He then strikes with such deadly force that it leaves nothig but a gust of wind as they disappear into darkness, never to be seen again. / Then he strikes with such deadly force that it leaves nothing, but a gust of wind as they disappear into darkness never to be seen again. / Grammar

51. fleet out in the Atlantic at this time / fleet out in the Atlantic at the time. / Grammar

52. massive damage it recieved during and attack mostly by RPG's / massive damage it received during an attack, mostly by RPGs. / Grammar

53. hurried;y got your stuff together. / hurriedly got our stuff together, anxious to get off the ship. / Grammar. You can add some small details here, make it more colorful.

54. I had one dufflebag full of things, and the othey guys had one. However, Sarah, she had two duffle bags, and a carry-on bag filled to the brim with stuff. / Each of us had a dufflebag full of things, except Sarah who had two dufflebags filled to the brim / Avoid describing the same thing for multiple people. Also avoid the word stuff unless that is the only thing you can use to describe something.

55. We all laughed a bit because of her being overencumbered. / We all laughed a bit because of her overencumberance. / Describing something in the present using past tense is bad. not only bad grammar but it just doesn't sound right. I would use a different word but overencumberance just fits all to well.

56. walking up the stairs that lead to the deck. / walking up the stairs that lead to the flightdeck. / It's called a flightdeck.

57. I got one one / I got in one

58. There nothing but a burning / They're nothing but a burning

59. We just lingered around the base / We just lingering around the base

After the big intro everything just started fitting in place. You have a few grammar errors here and there, but aside from that you've done a great job.

Mexi-Can

Mexi-Can #15 · Jun 26th, 2012 · · ·

431255
Tu hablas español, ive never seen another brony speak spanish!

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