Pony vile

Ponyville*

cleaning there houses

their*

Apple Jack

Applejack*

You appear to be neglecting commas and apostrophes.

Apple Jacks voice was loud and very authoritarian.

Applejack's* voice was loud and very authoritarian.

Twilight soon saw the apple stand but was a bit confused at why Big Mac Apple Jacks older brother was trying to separate something but she couldn't tell what it was but she soon noticed mares and stallions moving away from the stand. Soon she heard Apple jack's voice.

Twilight soon saw the apple stand. As she approached, however, she was a bit confused at why Big Mac, Applejack's older brother, was trying to separate something, but she couldn't tell what it was. She soon noticed mares and stallions moving away from the stand. Soon, she heard Applejack's voice.

Basic grammar and punctuation changes need to be done with this story.

Honestly, this story is rather poor quality, but I'm not going to be too harsh, seeing as this is, as you claim, your first story.

A few tips;

Try not to include incest. You may have no problem with writing about it, but some people have a problem with reading it. Unless you're writing for a specific audience, then try not to write about it, as it is a touchy subject.

Try not to rush the story. Try to set up the scene by painting an image in your reader's mind with words. For instance;

The morning sky over Ponyville was dappled with rich golds and orange tints as Celestia's sun slowly peeked its head above the mountaintops, beginning its slow and sleepy journey across the sky