Purple and Gray

by Juru7

From the Spa to Octavia

Twilight walked to Carousel Boutique to meet Rarity over there. The day was just young so they could spent a lot of time together. However they couldn’t be there to long because Twilight did need to catch the train to Canterlot soon.
Twilight stood in front of Carousel Boutique and knocked on the door.
- Knock, knock, knock –
“I’m sorry but we’re closed!” a voice said behind the door.
“It’s me Twilight!” Twilight said not knowing how she didn’t recognize her voice.
Rarity opened the door her mane all dirty, “I’m sorry darling come in”
“What happened to your mane?” Twilight asked while walking through the door.
“Uhh, I had an order that took me like the whole night but it’s finished now” Rarity smiled
“You aren’t going to the spa like that, are you?” Twilight asked the white mare
“Of course not,” she replied, “I’ll be back in a moment”.
Twilight sat down on the couch waiting on Rarity to come back. It was a real mess in here. The curtains were still closed all her fabric was lying on the ground, some was still in the sewing machine!
It was quiet in the room. If you closed your eyes and concentrate you could hear Rarity in the bathroom and Opel snoring anywhere but that’s it.
“I’m ready” Rarity said while coming out of the bathroom with a way to high voice.
“Let’s going then” Twilight and Rarity walked out of Carousel Boutique on the way to the spa

The spa was owned by the two earth pony sister Aloe and Lotus, they were well known in Ponyville although they were working almost every hour of every day. The spa was a moderate white building with strange purple rooftops, it did not have the same architecture style as the other buildings. But it was a one of a kind building.
Twilight and Rarity stood in front of the desk of the spa waiting for aloe or lotus to come and pick them up.
“Rarity, Twilight, what do you want today?” aloe said little bit shy of seeing the princess in real life.
“Ah, darling, the same as usual please”
Aloe took them to the mud bath, lotus was already heating the baths as if they already know Rarity and Twilight would take the usual.
“So how did your morning go?” Rarity asked Twilight while she stepped in the mud bath.
“Nothing special, only a letter from Celestia. She invited me to a concert in Canterlot”
“A concert?! In Canterlot?!” Rarity watched her with curiously,” From who?”
“A pony called, Octavia, never heard of her though,” Twilight said with the most relaxing voice ever.” She said that all the princesses are coming too”.
“Hemm, Octavia,” you could hear Rarity thinking, “Nope never heard of her” Rarity said in disappointment from Twilight, “But all the princesses are coming too you said?”
“Well yes that was what was written in the letter”
“And how about your brother? Shining armor?”
Twilight sighted and a Silence followed.
“Well?” Rarity said not knowing it would hurt Twilight in any way.
“She didn’t mention him, I really want him to come too but I really don’t know.” A tear began to appear under her eye. She missed him, maybe a little bit too much.
“Darling are you alright?” Rarity said after seeing the tear under her eye.
“I just miss him, I haven’t seen him in almost a year,” it was so bad Twilight was even half crying about it. “Doesn’t he care about me?! Doesn’t he want to see me anymore because there is nothing he can brag about?! Only because I needed to become a princess!” her grief was slowly turning into hate towards her brother.
“I’m sure that’s not the case” Rarity said in the hope to comfort her. “He’s probably very busy with rebuilding the Crystal Empire”
“Do you really think?” Twilight said trying to cover her tears
“I am absolutely sure darling” Rarity confirmed
Twilight closed her eyes, sank more in the mud, and tried to relax while not thinking about her bother.
As it was for Rarity she already was in the most relaxing of her life.
“Have a nice day!” aloe yelled after the two ponies.
“Well, that was relaxing, wasn’t it? Rarity looked much better now compared to before the spa
“It sure was, but I can’t stop thinking about Shining armor”
“Can you please cut it off, you’re whining the whole day about him. You can’t change it anymore, or he will come or he won’t, worrying about it doesn’t change it”
They walked further till the point their roads splits, “Thank you for the spa Rarity” Twilight hugged her to strengthen her thanks.
“It’s no problem darling, we need to do this a lot more.”
Twilight snorted back trying to smile. “Yes you’re right. We need to do this much more often”
Both the alicorn and the unicorn went her own way. At the last moment both ponies looked back to let the other know that she liked it.

---

Twilight was standing on the platform with her bags, ready to catch the train to Canterlot. The day went perfectly. After the spa Rarity went back to her home to catch up some sleep, and Twilight had just enough time to go to home, pack her bags, saying to Spike that she was disappointed that nothing was cleaned, and walk to the platform.

A large colored Train came steaming from the left side of the platform, making a huge noise and letting the ground vibrate a little.
Out it came large brown stallion with darkish brown heir. He looked very serious about his job, not seeing a single emotion in his face “Everypony get in for the train to Canterlot!” he yelled
That was her train, the train that was going to Canterlot. Twilight stepped in the train, being careful to not bump her hoof against the step.

The train was almost empty, only a few ponies were sitting on the left side, and the right side was completely empty. Twilight walked between the seats all the way to the end, ultimately to sit there.
After some wiggling she finally had some comfort. She looked outside still thinking about Shining armor.

I really hope he will come.

Comments

[Juru7]

Guys I really need some help with my grammar and how to make it less dry

[DBP12012]

I personally think the story has potential, if you deal with it correctly. Firstly, to improve with dryness, if you let us know how the characters feel about certain things it can make it more interesting. I enjoy having a full understanding of how a character feels. For example, I can't tell if Twilight is upset about Shining Armor or not. I get the feeling she is supposed to, but there's not enough to tell me she is. Secondly, the characters don't always have to communicate using words. Sometimes I can tell when my friends are upset just by their body language. Less can be more, especially when dealing with dialogue. More descriptive writing for me personally is more interesting than tons and tons of dialogue. Thirdly, when writing with descriptions, it's very easy to use "be" verbs. These are passive and should be used as little as possible. I understand English isn't your first language, so here is a list of them.

Is, am, are, were, was, be, being, been

Also, plot relevance. Why should I care about Twilight going to the spa with Rarity? It has noting to do with the plot and feels forced. When did Twilight ever start going to the spa with Rarity? Another thing: I didn't see alternate universe tag, yet there are some things that contradict cannon. Twilight has seen Shining Armor, because she is an alicorn now. She saw him in the Crystal Empire, at least. This was before she was an alicorn, remember? So, you might either want to change this or add an alternate universe tag.

One more thing: if you aren't already, I recommend you join "The School For New Writers". They give weekly lessons to help people unaccustomed to writing fanfiction.

I look forward to your next chapter.
Good luck and keep writing!

[Juru7]

4275807
Nice, this is a comment i really can work with!
Thank you so much, i'll work on all the points