i read when im bored, im i aint bored so much :P
Twilight is invited to go to a concert with Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. when she meets the beautiful Gray mare named Octavia things do not go how they were supposed to go.
Do not expect anything good from this story,
it's my first story ever and my main language is not English.
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Capitalization. Punctuation. Indenting. Paragraphs.
And for f**ks sake, the way you write is dryer than a cracker at a salt farm, telling overused jokes.
*sighs*
Sorry, but as an English major, this pisses me off to no end.
Some non-rage advice: look at how others write. Don't copy it like a mad-lib, but try to follow the flow.
>> evmantheawesome
well yes english is not my main language and this is the first thing i ever wrote.
i am totally aware of the writing being like dry but i've no idea how to fix it.
i'm trying to get better, but that will take a long long time
i am going to re-write it all when i think i've got the flow but for now its just trying trying and more trying
4267783
Sorry about that. I assumed that you were a native English speaker, as most here are. For a non-native, this is pretty good.
4267802
nonono i like to get some hard advice, that way i know what i'm doing wrong
Guys I really need some help with my grammar and how to make it less dry
I personally think the story has potential, if you deal with it correctly. Firstly, to improve with dryness, if you let us know how the characters feel about certain things it can make it more interesting. I enjoy having a full understanding of how a character feels. For example, I can't tell if Twilight is upset about Shining Armor or not. I get the feeling she is supposed to, but there's not enough to tell me she is. Secondly, the characters don't always have to communicate using words. Sometimes I can tell when my friends are upset just by their body language. Less can be more, especially when dealing with dialogue. More descriptive writing for me personally is more interesting than tons and tons of dialogue. Thirdly, when writing with descriptions, it's very easy to use "be" verbs. These are passive and should be used as little as possible. I understand English isn't your first language, so here is a list of them.
Is, am, are, were, was, be, being, been
Also, plot relevance. Why should I care about Twilight going to the spa with Rarity? It has noting to do with the plot and feels forced. When did Twilight ever start going to the spa with Rarity? Another thing: I didn't see alternate universe tag, yet there are some things that contradict cannon. Twilight has seen Shining Armor, because she is an alicorn now. She saw him in the Crystal Empire, at least. This was before she was an alicorn, remember? So, you might either want to change this or add an alternate universe tag.
One more thing: if you aren't already, I recommend you join "The School For New Writers". They give weekly lessons to help people unaccustomed to writing fanfiction.
I look forward to your next chapter.
Good luck and keep writing!
4275807
Nice, this is a comment i really can work with!
Thank you so much, i'll work on all the points
This chapter is good and has potential, but is extremely annoying to read. Why? Grammar. The way your whole story is structured gives me a massive headache. I understand English grammar can be extremely annoying to learn and remember, (believe me, even I can't remember all the rules) but there are a few things you can do to make It a more pleasant read.
1. Capitalization.
ALWAYS capitalize someone's (or somepony's) name. I caught several instances when Twilight or somepony else's name wasn't capitalized, most of them weren't in this chapter though. I saw them mainly in chapters 1, 2, and the story descriptions. This is the only one I saw this chapter.
Another thing on capitalization is in the titles. In the chapter titles, capitalize the first word and the important words. (If they're not the first word, you don't capitalize words such as the, as, and, a, an, and so on.)
The title of this chapter should look less like this:
A concert from the heart
And more like this:
A Concert from the Heart
2. Commas/Semicolons.
Also, commas look very nice in certain places. Semicolons are harder to know when to use, even I still have trouble using them. Still, There are a lot of places where commas and semicolons need to be placed, so I recommend getting an editor to help you with this and my next point.
3. Paragraph Indents/Spacing.
The most annoying thing I ran into was paragraphs. Namely, there aren't any. No indents, no extra line of spacing, no nothing. I can see you start a new line when somepony talks, but the way you type it out makes it hard to catch. Since indents can be annoying, I recommend simply hitting 'enter' one more time when you're ready to start a new paragraph. This makes for a much easier and enjoyable read.
Keep writing!
~DPB
For the people that actual care about this fimfiction; no i didnt stop writing, i just have been very busy lately and i dont want to publish any of my new stuff yet because im struggling with the future story-line(and to make it less dry, but you'd noticed that already i hope). i've set a date on 8-20 to publish what i've got, so get ready!
Chapter 4 is online! I need some hard advise so comment whatever you want! otherwise I'll never improve and I'll keep writing pure crap.
I hereby dub this ship Twilight Melody. Sweet, elegant and simple.
Aaaalrighty then. With my cat on my shoulder...okay, lap now...Arm.
Lap again. Okay. I think she's gotten comfortable now. Yeah. okay, now as I was saying. Let's begin.
You mention wanting tips and the very first thing that I notice before I even start reading is that you seem to put dialogue at the beginning every single time. You don't have to. Let's take this
And try something different with it.
"Good morning Spike" The alicorn said aloud as she stretched out the tired feeling from her joints
The basket she had been speaking to grumbled slightly before the dragon inside finally replied "Agh...Good morning Twilight."
Just a little changeup to make things look a little different. You'll also notice I spaced mine different and indented. that's another little thing you can do to make things look a bit better. At least in my opinion
Twilight goes to Canterlot, but when she meest Octavia everything changed
meest