4009942 spelling is an issue, have an iPod that likes to pick the wrong words, and I'll try to stretch it out more. I pretty much type as the story enters my head. I hope chapter two is better.
hmm just from the first 2 chapters it feels really rushed. I just meet the guy and already he's going to war, there's not much character development. I have no real sense of the man.
again your rushing your story you should have put this as the 4 or 5 chapter and had the second chapter about him getting readjusted to his new life the third about him and luna getting together and the fourth about say a group comming back half the group dead other half wounded and celestia being pressed for options decides to give him a small group to lead a raid then build up to this
like a good way to have luna and david get together is have luna kidnapped by the minotars and have david get to go rescue her so that will also let celestia get a little more trust in david
Comment posted by Havokdapony deleted Nov 17th, 2014
YOU TOOK HIS GUN!!!!!! why why would you take an ODSTs gun and give him a sword why?! and the rushing dude the rushing Its a great idea and most likely a great story but 2 chapters in and he's already going to war again dude just.... draw it out ok other than that good story'n'stuff I suppose
Comment posted by Bigbook29 deleted Jun 12th, 2015
Ok your story line is starting to throw me off a bit to much and I'm honostly starting to get confused with the time line....and the chapters really feel rushed so just a question...how much time do you have on your hands when your writing?
4009602 I'm going to try to do the explaining in flashback, but thank you, every bit of criticism helps me make this better.
4009942 spelling is an issue, have an iPod that likes to pick the wrong words, and I'll try to stretch it out more. I pretty much type as the story enters my head. I hope chapter two is better.
4010028 anything you would suggest?
this is bad really bad how this got though i will never know
Hatted should be Hated.
Wemon is Women.
Contented should be continued.
these are ones that stand out the most.
hmm just from the first 2 chapters it feels really rushed. I just meet the guy and already he's going to war, there's not much character development. I have no real sense of the man.
again your rushing your story you should have put this as the 4 or 5 chapter and had the second chapter about him getting readjusted to his new life the third about him and luna getting together and the fourth about say a group comming back half the group dead other half wounded and celestia being pressed for options decides to give him a small group to lead a raid then build up to this
like a good way to have luna and david get together is have luna kidnapped by the minotars and have david get to go rescue her so that will also let celestia get a little more trust in david
YOU TOOK HIS GUN!!!!!! why why would you take an ODSTs gun and give him a sword why?! and the rushing dude the rushing Its a great idea and most likely a great story but 2 chapters in and he's already going to war again
dude just.... draw it out ok other than that good story'n'stuff I suppose
Ok your story line is starting to throw me off a bit to much and I'm honostly starting to get confused with the time line....and the chapters really feel rushed so just a question...how much time do you have on your hands when your writing?