Tales of Canterlot Castle

by The Ponopticon

The Game (part 1)

-A Tale of Canterlot Castle-

-The Game, Part 1-

The question: what do two ancient, immortal, nigh-omnipotent god-princesses do for fun?

The answer: Princessball.

OOO

“’Struth, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! ERA!” Luna wailed before burying her face in her pillow in despondence.

Celestia stroked her sister’s newly restored starry mane affectionately, making soothing noises even as she glared daggers at the two curious Royal Guards who were trying to catch a surreptitious glimpse of the crying nocturnal princess from the hallway. Celestia snapped the door to Luna’s chambers shut with a thought and a flash of magic and made a mental note to have Captain Shining Armor put those two guards on latrine duty for the next year.

“There, there, Lulu,” the sun princess cooed. “It’s not as bad as all that—they’re just not used to you yet.”

Luna jerked her head out of the muffling confines of her pillow. “Not used to me?” she cried. “They panicked at the very sight of me!”

“You must admit, your change in appearance was quite sudden,” Celestia said, trying to be as diplomatic as possible. “I understand that you were excited to have your powers finally returning to normal and wanted to regain your old form as soon as possible, but ponies these days aren’t used to having their rulers triple in size overnight.”

“Lord Hoofsbury thought I had become Nightmare Moon again!”

“Um… Yes, he means well, but…”

“He attacked me with a candlestick!”

“Er…”

“In the dining room!”

“Well, you should be thankful that Colonel Mustard wasn’t there,” Celestia said with a wry grin, her sense of humour getting the better of her for a moment.

“Why? Is he more proficient with candlesticks as improvised weaponry?”

“Uh… No, no, that was just a reference to…” Celestia began, but then her face brightened as an idea struck her.

“You know what, Lulu?” she continued. “I think I know just the thing to cheer you up: a game!”

Luna cast her sister a wary sidelong glance. “What manner of game?”

“Oh, it’s one of your favourites, if I recall!” Celestia said. “Why, it’ll even make good use of your returned power!”

Luna narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “I fail to see how a mere game might…”

“It’s one that hasn’t been played in over a thousand years,” Celestia interrupted. She was on a roll now, and refused to be stopped before her dramatic reveal. “After all,” she said with a conspiratorial grin. “I haven’t had anypony to play it with.”

Luna’s eyes widened. “Dost thou mean…?” she began, hope plain in her voice.

“Yes,” Celestia confirmed with a nod before leaning in to say in a hoarse whisper:

“Princessball.”

Luna squealed excitedly and clapped her front hooves together like a schoolfilly.

OOO

Dexter Bend, chief artificer of the Royal Canterlot College of Heralds, sat back to admire his latest work, an ornate reworking of the Pennybottom family coat of arms. Everything about it screamed wealth and opulence, from the intricate gold filigree to the facings painstakingly made from precious stones, with the motto in the tongue of ancient Roam adding the weight of history to the whole piece. As an added bonus, although it was only a little over a square foot in size it cost more than most ponies’ houses. Dexter nodded approvingly; although Lord Pennybottom hailed from Hoofington it was clear that he shared the refined values of the Canterlot elite. With a small but self-assured smile, Dexter set the coat of arms down on the section of his workbench he reserved for finished works, adjusting its position minutely to maximise its distance from everything else on the bench. Satisfied that nothing would sully or damage it with unwarranted contact, Dexter turned from the coat of arms to look out the window of his second-storey workshop. He admired the calm sophistication of the Canterlot nobleponies as they walked the street below him…

…just as a massive ball of iron and brass, easily three pony-lengths in diameter, smashed through the stone wall beside him and crunched part-way into the floor before coming to rest.

“A wonderful play, Luna—impressive distance,” said a disembodied but familiar motherly voice from above as part of the ceiling collapsed.

“Ha! Flatter me not with such false sweetness, dear sister. ‘Twould have gone twice again this far hadst thou not flung that tower int’ the way!”

“Precisely why I had to block, my dear Luna!” replied Princess Celestia as she flew in through the gaping hole in the wall. “Oh dear. It seems we’ve done some damage to the College of Heralds. Hello, Master Bend!”

“H-hello…” Dexter quavered, not sure whether he should be more awed by the presence of his princess or by the massive amount of destruction she had apparently just caused to his place of business.

“Is that the new piece for old Pennybottom?” Celestia asked cheerfully. “Looks splendid, as always! A bit heavy on the filigree, though.”

“Um…” Dexter glanced down at the coat of arms he clutched protectively against his chest. He didn’t remember grabbing it. “He said he liked filigree,” he mumbled.

“Fair enough! It’s his bits he’s spending, after all,” Celestia said with a shrug as Luna fluttered down to join her.

“Well, sister?” the darker princess prompted. “’Tis thy play.”

“Yes, I’m thinking, Luna,” Celestia said peevishly, her brow creased in thought. “I have an idea, but I’d hate to do more damage to the College.”

“Semper ludicrum per, dear sister.”

Celestia sighed. “Yes, of course. Redintegro panton laxus. Well, then! Mister Bend, is there anypony else in the building?”

“What? Um… just my brother, but he’s in the basement right now…”

“Perfect!” Celestia declared as she took off and flew back out of the hole, Luna close behind her.

The artificer was left in silence for a moment before he heard a mighty cry of “FORE!” and one of the giant obelisks brought back to Canterlot to decorate the downtown area after Naponyon’s conquests in Neighgypt scythed past, sending the massive ball and much of the rest of the College building soaring away into the distance.

“Well struck, dear sister!” called Luna’s voice. Dexter couldn’t hear Celestia’s doubtlessly modest reply as the two princesses sped off in pursuit of the ball, leaving him still clutching Lord Pennybottom’s new coat of arms amidst the ruin of the College of Heralds. For nearly a minute there was no sound except for the occasional crash of shattered stonework falling, until frantic hoofsteps beat their way up the stairs and a stallion—Dexter’s younger brother Sinister—kicked in the previously undamaged door.

“What in the thirty-three pony hells was THAT?!” shouted Sinister.

“Semper ludicrum per... ‘Always play through’?” Dexter muttered to himself as he parsed the old Roamin. “And ‘fix everything later’? No…” He turned to his brother with a look of abject horror. “Sinister, you have to call the Royal Guard! The princesses are playing…the Game.”

“What? Surely you can’t be serious!”

“Of course I’m serious! And don’t call me Shirley!”

“Uhh… What? But I didn’t…”

“Never mind that now!” Dexter cried. “Go! Now! Sinister Bend, the very fate of Equestria now lies in your hooves!”

“Right! Right!” Sinister agreed, then galloped off back down the stairs and out onto the streets of Canterlot, making a beeline for the nearest Royal Guard station.

Finally relaxing, Dexter set the coat of arms back on his thankfully still-intact workbench. Again, he made a few minute adjustments to its position before he nodded in satisfaction and sat back to admire his handiwork, pleased that his latest masterpiece, at least, had escaped the devastation wrought upon the rest of the building.

A small piece of heavily damaged masonry detached itself from the ceiling and bounced off the coat of arms, leaving a tiny dent in the gold filigree.

Dexter Bend screamed.

OOO

Luna raced after the ball as it bounced and tumbled through the small forest at the base of Canter Mountain leaving deep furrows in the earth and splintered trees in its wake. Just as the ball bounced particularly high off of a giant boulder, Luna swung the massive old oak she had uprooted. The tree connected with the ball with a crack that humbled thunder, sending any woodland creatures brave enough to still be out and about in all the havoc scrambling for their homes and sending the ball caroming off in a new direction.

“Ha ha! Deflection! My play now!” Luna cried triumphantly as she dropped the shattered oak and flew after the ball, scanning the forest for a new implement as she went.

OOO

“Well, gentlecolts, I’m sure you’ve all heard the rumours.” Captain Shining Armor addressed the largest gathering of the Equestrian Royal Guard in living memory. He paced back and forth across the stage at the head of the briefing hall, the eyes of his troops following his every movement.

“It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard—the reality is far worse,” he continued. “Their Royal Majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are playing… the Game.”

There were gasps and whispers of “Princessball!” around the hall. Shining Armor waved a front hoof placatingly.

“Yes, Princessball. One of the oldest and closest held secrets of the Royal Guard. It hasn’t been played for a thousand years, ever since Princess Luna was banished—and we’ve all heard the legends of the single time Princess Celestia tried to play the game against the entire Royal Guard.”

A collective shudder ran through the assembled guardsponies, Shining Armor included, before he went on.

“We’ve also all heard the stories of how the last true game of Princessball started the ten-year conflict with the Griffon Kingdoms known to history as the War of Bloody Skies.” Shining Armor stopped pacing and fixed the guardsmen before him with a grim gaze. “This could give some of the more warmongering of the griffon lords just the excuse they need to threaten Equestria once again. I trust the Princesses and their game completely with the safety of the citizens of Equestria, but the griffons are another thing entirely. We cannot allow them to breach our borders!” he said, stamping a hoof for emphasis.

A young unicorn stallion in the front row tentatively raised a hoof. “But sir,” he said, “wouldn’t it be better to make sure the griffons never even find out?”

Shining Armor sighed. “Yes, Ensign, that would be better. But unfortunately for us, I suspect the griffons already know.”

OOO

“And ye’re certain a’this, laddie? Princessball?” asked Brawwing, Thane of Helmspire Aerie, southernmost of the Griffon Kingdoms.

“Aye, m’Laird,” replied the scout, a young griffon named Swiftin, from where he knelt before his master. “It could nae be else—giants of old trees and even whole buildin’s bein’ tossed aboot like they were nothin’. And a great ball a’black iron through t’all, with th’ two princesses chasin’ after it th’ whole time.”

Brawwing sat back in his throne and stroked his chin thoughtfully with a claw. “Princessball…” he muttered to himself.

“Are… are th’ tales true, Laird?” Swiftin asked hesitantly, breaking his thane’s reverie. “Ha’ they crushed whole cities wi’ their games?”

Brawwing gave a sharp laugh. “Dinnae be askin’ me that, lad—I’ve nae seen ‘em at it. If it happened t’all, ‘twas o’er a thousand years past. What d’ye take me for, a crone?”

At this Keeneye, the thane’s oldest and now most ironically-named advisor, chuckled and adjusted his thick spectacles. “Ach, e’en the eldest a’the crones were nae born when the last and longest-lived a’those who saw those days passed on, young Swiftin,” the old griffon said. “Many a gen’ration stands ‘tween us ‘n’ tha’ time.”

“Aye, but th’ tales ‘n’ traditions stay wi’ us,” Brawwing added gravely. He turned to his advisor. “Keeneye, send oot th’ word t’ th’ other kingdoms,” the thane commanded. “I’ll see t’ our preparations meself. Be off wi’ ye, Swiftin, but stay close—I’ll ha’ need a’ ye ‘ere long.”

“All th’ others, m’Laird?” Keeneye asked after the scout had left. “E’en Greystone Aerie?”

Brawwing gave another sharp burst of laughter. “Especially th’ cowards a’ Greystone! I want ‘em there t’ see us takin’ our long-delayed revenge f’r their treach’ry from the last game, back i’ th’ time a’ Bloody Skies!”

Keeneye grinned, his long-slumbering predator’s instincts beginning to reawaken. “Aye, Thane, ‘twill be done,” the old griffon said. “And vengeance will fin’lly be ours.”

Brawwing grinned himself as Keeneye shuffled away. “Vengeance, indeed,” he said to himself, and barked out another laugh that echoed in the now empty hall.

“Th’ griffons march on Equestria.”

OOO

Celestia laughed like a madmare as she ran, using her wings to keep her precariously balanced on her hind legs while her front hooves held the ball even more precariously above her head.

“Thou’rt cheating, Celestia!” Luna shouted as she galloped after her sister. “No direct contact!”

“No direct magical contact, dear sister!” Celestia called back. “This is totally legal!”

“Cheater!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Cheater!”

“Nuh-uh! And you’re just mad ‘cause you can’t caaaatch meeeee!” gloated Celestia in a sing-song tone. “I can do this all day! Do try to keep up, Luna, if that’s not too much to…”

Celestia looked over her shoulder and paused for a moment—Luna was no longer behind her.

“Um… Uh oh.”

A burst of deep indigo light exploded behind her and a dark magical contrail shot through with stars stretched out to her right before sharply angling back toward her at impossible speed.

“Whoa! Wait a second, Luna, let’s talk about…”

Celestia’s protests were cut off by Luna’s reply, which consisted of slamming into her at nearly twice the speed of sound. The ball was left suspended in mid-air for a comedic moment before gravity reasserted itself, and by the time the ball thudded heavily to the ground the princesses were already almost half a mile away, still airborne.

“Let me go!” Celestia yelled as she squirmed and struggled to break Luna’s grip—despite the younger princess being only two-thirds Celestia’s size she was remarkably strong.

Luna grinned. “As thou wishest!”

Celestia’s face fell. “Wait! No! I misspoke! I meant…” she began, but again her protests were cut off as Luna not only let her go but kicked off from the elder princess as hard as she could, sending Celestia straight down. The white alicorn was briefly aware of a blur of grass beneath her before she slammed head first into the ground; her world was consumed by dirt and the occasional bit of vegetation as her face dug a deep trench in the earth.

In stark contrast to her sister’s terrestrial journey, Luna traced a long graceful arc through the sky before settling back to the ground next to the ball. After a moment to appraise the massive chunk of iron she hefted it over her head with her front hooves, her brow furrowed and her tongue stuck out in intense concentration. Once she was satisfied that she had the ball balanced, she set off at a run on her hind legs, cackling like a maniac. In the distance, Celestia’s head popped up out of the pile of kicked-up dirt and sod where she had finally ground to a halt, rather dirtier than before but none the worse for wear.

“Hey! Get back here, you little cheater!” she shouted as she launched herself after her younger sister.

OOO

“Is it just me, or does it look like they’re having fun?” Lieutenant Sunbeam asked nopony in particular. The bright yellow unicorn Guardsmare was looking through a battered pair of binoculars at the two princesses in the distance. She was having some trouble keeping track of them—the sheer speed and manoeuvrability the two alicorns were capable of made the Wonderbolts look like flight school dropouts. Sunbeam gave a low whistle of admiration as Celestia intercepted the ball, which must have weighed several tons, and spiked it straight down into the ground with a single hoof.

“Whether or not their Royal Majesties are having fun is irrelevant, Lieutenant,” Shining Armor scolded her. “As members of the Royal Guard we have a duty to fulfill—those binoculars should be pointed to the north-eastern border to watch for any griffons on approach.”

“Aw, come on, Cap’n Shiny,” Sunbeam chided with a dramatic pout. Shining Armor groaned and ran a hoof over his face, regretting—as he did nearly every day now—the unplanned visit from his fiancée that had introduced her pet name for him to his troops.

“I hear you used to have some fun every now and then,” the lieutenant continued. “What, do you save all your fun to have with your girlfriend?”

“The personal life of your commanding officer is none of your business, Lieutenant,” Shining deadpanned. He jerked the binoculars out of Sunbeam’s magical grip with his own.

“Hey!” she protested, but he ignored her and brought the binoculars to his eyes. He panned across the distant mountains that formed the border between Equestria and the Griffon Kingdoms before something much closer caught his attention, a dark shape near the princesses’ “game.” He refocused the binoculars to get a clearer view.

“Oh, ponyfeathers,” Shining swore. Sunbeam’s ears perked up.

“What is it, boss? Griffons?”

“Worse,” replied Shining Armor. “Reporters.”

-End Part 1-

Author's Note:

I hope you like reading accents! Also highly destructive princessly tomfoolery.

More serious note: this little 3-part arc takes place a bit before many of the other chapters, as Luna has only just regained her adult form. Given the only very loose continuity between the Tales, I haven't worried about placing them in chronological order. If this worries you, I recommend finding the nearest solid wall or piece of furniture and beating your head against it until the worry goes away.

Other, similarly serious note: I apologise for the horrible dog Latin. I don't actually know Latin, and if anyone out there does and knows a more correct way of saying "Always play through" and "Fix everything later," please let me know.