Chickenman in Equestria

by GroaningGreyAgony

Episode 3: Chicken in the Straw

In our last very exciting episode, Chickenman was stranded in Equestria, a magic realm of talking ponies, and has learned that he may be stuck here away from home for over a month. The ponies are now working out what to do with him...

“Mr. Chickenman?” said Twilight Sparkle. “If you’re ready, there are a lot of things we have to do to get you settled in—you’ll find this in your pamphlet on page four if you want to read along. We’re taking you to the Mare’s office to get you registered and fill out some immigration forms, work availability forms, declaration of Celestial allegiance forms, potentially carnivorous alien registration forms...”

Twilight’s voice was growing dreamier as Chickenman’s eyes glazed over. Applejack finally gave her friend a nudge.

“Oh! Sorry, I was miles away. Anyway, then you go to the hospital for a general examination, including a full physical, blood extraction, and vaccination against a variety of thaumaturgic ailments to which you non-magical beings are subject...”

“Oh, brother,” muttered Chickenman dolefully. “You’re not gonna poke me with any needles, are you? I hate needles!”

Applejack squinted suspiciously. “Didn’t you say you were some kinda hero? A hero wouldn’t never mind gettin’ a shot or three... Or twelve.”

Chickenman chuckled nervously. “You’d think that, wouldn’t you? Actually, it’s a bit of a sticking point with me... heh.”

“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be so bad.” said Twilight with a high-pitched laugh. “Just a little pinch and it’s over with in a minute! Or so. But one way or the other, we have to take you back to Ponyville’s town hall. I suppose that everypony has calmed down by now... Uh oh. AJ, what’ll we do if Rarity sees him like this?”

Applejack shook her head. “Oh, that poor darlin’. She’ll have another one of them fashion emergency attacks, won’t she?”

“I’m afraid so.” Twilight sighed. “Uhm, Mr. Chickenman, I don’t suppose you could take off that outft for a while? We have a friend who’s very particular about clothes, and she’s been very overworked lately, and we’re afraid that if she sees you wearing that dirty and damaged chicken costume, she’ll have a conniption. An actual, literal frothing conniption.”

“Oh. Uhm, well, I don’t really have much on under my costume—”

“That’s quite all right. You can take it all off—public nudity is the custom here. As you can see, we’re all naked ourselves.”

“Uhm, wow, I didn’t—I mean, oh no, I couldn’t possibly—”

Applejack spat into the dirt. “Trust me, mister, ya ain’t got nothing under there that’ll interest anypony in the slightest.”

“Applejack! That’s not very nice.”

“Sorry, Twi, but it’s the truth. Som’a these humans get real strange ideas...”

“Be that as it may,” said Chickenman, striking a pose and declaiming dramatically, “I do not refuse solely on the grounds of modesty. This costume conceals my secret identity. In the relentless fight against crime and/or evil, the hero’s first line of defense is his secret identity, and his costume is a bulwark that protects his life, and the lives of his loved ones, against the vicious retaliation of the unscrupulous criminal element. I cannot in good conscience compromise this precious safeguard, for other lives than mine are at stake...”

Applejack sighed. “I reckon he ain’t gonna take off the doofus-suit, Twi.”

“I think you’re right. Let’s see... Oh! Could we hide him in that hay cart, AJ?”

“Don’t see why not. Okay, Mr. Chickenman, climb in that there cart and get under that hay, and remember to keep your head down until we give you the word.”

Chickenman fluttered uncomfortably. “Actually, I also have a hay allergy...”

Applejack stomped the ground hard, sending a fearful tremor through Chickenman’s frame. “C’mon, we ain’t got all day. Either get under that hay, or lose that costume until you get it fixed up!”

“Okay, okay, I’ll get in the hay. Geez...” muttered Chickenman.

Chickenman covered himself with hay, as Applejack slipped into the cart’s harness. The two ponies then set out for Ponyville, towing the Feathered Fighter behind them.

Inside the hay cart, Chickenman pulled his beak down over his nose and mouth, breathing slowly and muttering quietly to himself.

“Boy, I bet if that guy who dresses like a bat came here, they wouldn’t make him do all this unheroic stuff...”

There was a rustling in the hay around Chickenman’s face, and, one by one, three little filly faces poked through the straw to gaze at him.

“What the hay is that?” whispered Apple Bloom.

“It could be a molting Griffin,” hissed Sweetie Belle.

“Looks like a big old chicken to me,” said Scootaloo.

“I reckon you’d know,” sniggered Apple Bloom.

“Uh, have no fear, young pony children, you are all safe. I am the wonderful White Winged Warrior known as... Chickenman! I... ah... Achooo!” Chickenman sneezed loudly into his beak.

“I think he’s one of those humans,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Aw, shucks. Can’t get no human-related cutie mark, can ya?” said Apple Bloom.

“Maybe we just didn’t try enough times...”

“Scootaloo, remember what Miss Cheerilee said?” whispered Sweetie Belle. “The Princesses had to pass a big law in Canterlot, calling the humans a protected species. We were mentioned in it by name. We can’t try again.”

“Aww. Well, maybe the human can just help us look. Hey, Mr. Chicken? Wanna help us to find our cutie marks?”

“I am always ready—Achoo!—to assist the weak and downtrodden, no matter how small, for upholding virtue and protecting the innocent is my true job as a hero.”

“Does that mean yes or no?”

“...It’s a yes. So, find your cutie marks? Did you drop them somewhere in here?”

“Uh, not exactly. We’re tryin’ to get our marks in findin’ needles in haystacks. And we put a buncha needles in this here loada hay to practice, but we hain’t found a one yet...”

“Uh, needles, did you say...?”

~~~~~

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack, along with the hay cart, have arrived in Ponyville center and are now in front of the Town Hall...

Twilight hovered over the cart, scanning the town circle in all directions.

“Coast all clear, Twi?” called up Applejack.

“No sign of Rarity. I think we’re safe to bring him in to the Mare’s office...”

Suddenly, from out of Town Hall trotted a white unicorn. “Oh, Applejack, Twilight!” she trilled. “What a surprise to see you here. How are you?”

Startled, Twilight dropped from the sky as Applejack jumped a foot in the air. They both assumed broad bright smiles.

“Oh! Uh, Hi, Rarity!”

“We’re, uhm, just peachy! How ’bout yerself?”

“I’m rather frustrated, to tell you the truth,” said Rarity, walking up to them. “Filing my earnings statement with the assessor’s office has taken the better part of an hour. And that’s right after I’ve spent a very trying morning with a client from Canterlot who had the most impossible demands for a debutante gown. There simply aren’t that many different shades of chartreuse...!”

“Eeee-YOWATCHOOOO!” cried Chickenman, leaping out of the hay and pulling a shining needle from his feathery posterior as he danced in pain. His reddened eyes were watery, his feathers were twisted awry and entwined with tufts of straw, and blobs of revolting goop dripped from his beak.

Rarity stared at him in horror, hooves rooted to the ground, left eye twitching.

“Oh my—It’s—You’re—My word—Worst possible—”

Applejack gave an uneasy smile. “Now, Rares, just take it easy, he’s just a human, he’s new here and don’t know no better...”

“AIIIIGGHHHH!” Rarity levitated a grimy burlap sack from the side of the cart, jammed it over Chickenman’s head, then fled screaming back to Carousel Boutique.

“Well...” said Applejack slowly. “...That went...”

“Uhm, surprisingly well, considering the circumstances.” said Twilight. “Mr. Chickenman, are you okay there in that sack?”

“Uh, it’s dark in here and there’s a lot of... haydust... uh... ACHOOO! ACHOOO! ACHOOO!”

The Crusaders leapt out of the straw and checked their fannies, then groaned with disappointment.

“Aw, we got nothing! This chicken guy didn’t help at all!”

“You don’t suppose that he got a cutie mark instead of us?”

“Well, with how deep that there needle sank inta his butt, he’s gotta have some kinda mark. Let’s have a look!”

The Crusaders took hold of Chickenman’s tattered suit and tugged at it, pulling it off his body with a horrible tearing noise and leaving Chickenman’s tulip-decorated boxers exposed to all of Ponyville as he struggled to remove the burlap sack from his head.

“Tulips?” said Applejack, unable to look away. “Tulips?”

“ACHOOO! ACHOOO! ACHOOO!” declaimed Chickenman heroically.

---

---

Wellllll...! Chickenman wasn’t kidding about the hay allergy!

And another thing. If he needs to abandon that cart in a hurry, might he have to... bale out?

---

DUMM-DUM-DUMMMM!

Be listening next time for another exciting episode in the life of the most fantastic crimefighter the world has ever known...

Buck-bawk-buck-BAAAWWWWWK...!

CHICKENMAN!

He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere!

DUMM-DA-DA-DUMM-DUMMMM!