Mistakes.

Mistakes everywhere.

I won't downvote, but at least go back through this and fix them. I see potental in you, but it needs work.

And, if it humors you, I read this on my 360.

Commentaries should go in author's notes.
Anyway, interesting story, even if the beginning felt weak.

Good start except

1.get rid of the first part. Stuff like that should be reserved for the cover and author's notes.

2.fix the grammar in some of the sentences. Having to translate a story's grammar is a huge distraction.

3. Get rid of redundant sentences. If a sentence repeats the same information as the sentence before it, it is not needed.

Aside from that, I see a lot of potential here.