The War Coming Return
Chapter 1 -Derpy-
A grey mare stood at the look out on what used to be Canterlot. That's right, “used to be”. Equestria has been in war for the past 2 and a half years, and it hasn't been a pretty sight.
When Changelings decided to try and invade again. They had victoriously killed Princess Celestia. The Changelings were chased out afterwards but it was a sad day when the sun died.
Doing the same for what her sister had done for her. The younger sister, Princess Luna, took the role of raising both sun and moon. But, unlike her older sister, she was not strong enough to hold them up and soon got very sick.
It has been that way ever since, but this gray mare was different from the rest. Unlike the silver of anypony else's armor, this one's was gold, to represent Captain of the royal guard, the one on charge. Since the princess could not perform her duties, the Captain has to take charge.
The grey mare’s blond mane stuck out of her golden helmet. She had golden ankle boots as well as her front armor on her chest. You could clearly see on her flank a Cutie Mark of seven bubbles. Some of the soldiers were curious why bubbles was her talent then something that had to do with fighting but they didn't try to ask. The mare also had wings that went over her armor, showing that she was indeed a pegasus. The thing that people wondered most, is that on her left eye was a brown eye patch. Everypony was always whispering that the Captain had lost her eye in a huge fight or that there was a huge scar across the eye. Whatever reason it was, it showed the soldiers not to mess their captain.
The Captain's name never really is told, she is otherwise known as Captain, Captain D, and Sir. The soldiers never really minded it, either way they had found their Captain.
The grey mare wasn't thinking about that though. She wasn't thinking about the war, She wasn't thinking about the princess, she wasn't thinking of herself being captain, and she wasn't thinking about the stories that the soldiers talked about.
The Captain was thinking about a stallion. This was a very important stallion, a pony that could easily change history by just saying something. Oh how she thought about the funny pony. At the view where she stood, was a place where she could see a hill.
The stallion she was thinking of, she made a promise to wait. To wait everyday for him at that spot. Of course, it was too dangerous to go out there. They had people who went out there to look for trespassers or anypony who was left behind that is hurt or injured. She did wait though, she would look out at that hill, hoping that one day, a blue box that is smaller on the outside would appear out of no where and out would he come, The Doctor.
The thoughts traveling through the mare's head were interrupted by her hearing the door open to the entrance behind her. She turned to see a white stallion in silver armor walk in nervously.
"Attention!" Called the Captain. The soldier stood up straight and tall, not trying to move, not even breathe. As the mare walked over she studied him, looking for any signs of changeling on him. While you were at war with creatures who can turn into anyone you can think of, you can never be sure.
The Captain's face came really close to the soldiers face, her eye glaring into the eyes of the soldier. She pulled back and took a couple steps back.
"At ease." She said. The stallion let out a long breath he had clearly been holding. The Captain paid no matter to it.
"News?" She asked.
"Princess Luna had requested that you see her immediately." The soldier said.
"How is she feeling?" She said with a little concern but not enough to show that she super worried.
"She is eating now, but other then that..."
"Good progress." She said as she walked to the doors. "Tell the seekers to check around the town that was once called Ponyville, we haven't checked there in awhile." She said.
"Yes sir." Said the soldier.
"And please once you’re done get some rest, you look like you haven't slept for a week!" She exclaimed.
"Y-yes sir."
"Was that hesitation?" Said the Captain in a annoyed voice.
"No sir." The soldier said gaining his dignity.
"Very well, you are dismissed." Said the pegasus, and she walked out the door, not bothering to see the soldier leave.
The Captain, marching down the hall, held a face of determination, while, on the inside worry about the princess troubled her. Not just because she is the princess, but the fact that they are actually friends. When the royal guard needed a new Captain, the princess had called her up in secret and begged as much as a sick pony could beg. She did agree and the princess wishes to have 'meetings' with her regularly.
As the Captain came up to the door with ever look of seriousness, she gazed about to see if anypony was watching her. When she saw nopony around, she sighed of relief, then knocked on the door.
The door opened with unicorn magic as the Captain entered, the door closed behind her. The room was dark, all the lit up the room was a candle that was right next to a bed.
"Luna?" Asked the Captain.
"My friend... Ditzy..." Said the princess weakly.
"Are you feeling better, I heard you can eat now." Said the now proved Ditzy Doo.
"Yes Better, Not well... But Better." Said the princess. Apparently the princess turned to face her cause she said, "Take off that mask, we are friends, it is alright."
Ditzy hesitated, she didn't like taking off her mask that hid her face. But, as the princess asked, Ditzy took off the eye patch, showing both eyes, but were crossed.
"Thank you." Said the princess.
There was silence for awhile. Ditzy could not quite see the princess, she always had to have her room dark so she could heal. They already scan here to make sure she is not a changeling every morning and night.
"Why did you wish to see me?" Asked the Captain Ditzy.
"There is hope." Said the princess, "A hope that will end all of this."
Ditzy gasped, "Really? What is it princess? What?" She asked.
"It had just arrived, soon you'll see Ditzy, you'll see." Said the princess.
Ditzy was just about to ask what it was, until came a knocking at the door, Ditzy quickly put on her eye patch and stood up.
"I'll let you have your sleep, good night princess." Ditzy said as she pulled on her serious face and opened the door.
A guard stood talk at the door. Ditsy recognized it was one of the seekers. "Are you not suppose to be in Ponyville?" She asked in a strong voice.
"Sir! We found something, a pony just standing around and kept asking us questions, we couldn't figure out if he was a changeling, so we decided to bring him to you sir." Said the seeker.
"Yes, very well, send him to the throne room, I shall meet him there, let us be alone, don't let him get out." She ordered.
"Yes sir." He saluted and walked away.
"Well, Ditzy Doo, looks like we are going to have to do this again." She said aloud in a sad voice. She walked to the window and looked at what was once her home.
"Please be okay." She said softly into the wind before stepping away from the window and set off with her mask of determination and anger.
little bit like the Amy Pond type of episode.
@AbiTalker...
1. Your cover art is from the very talented DeviantArt(ist) Equestria-Prevails. I would strongly advise properly crediting him for it, now that you have been informed.
As a side-summary stemming from your cover art... General Derpy is the battle-hardened, but often victorious, chief military officer & trusted friend to Princess Luna. Princess Luna ascended to high-ruler of Equestria after the loss of Princess Celestia and most of the Elements of Harmony during The Great War (a world-war in which Equestra was attacked on multiple fronts all at once, by many different races, but most notably the griffins).
The above background story is from Equestria-Prevails' own stories and resultant art-work. [Thus not from me.]
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
2. Also... David Tennant for Doctor Who #10.
3. And another... Ditzy Doo for Derpy Hooves' Hasbro-licensed name, in-tandem for her (generally fan-accepted, but still UN-official) daughter Dinky Doo.
4. You need a LOT of technical writing clean-up and correction work for your fan-fiction. Your story-premise is fine, and I personally enjoy Derpy & The Doctor stories, both Adventure and Romance (or both).
However... Poor technical writing (spelling, grammar, format, tense, etc.) kills any literary work, no matter how good the story-premise. I would advise finding yourself an Editor and Proofreader(s), if not both. [Literary Writing side-note: You should only have one Editor, but can have multiple Proofreaders.]
Hope this helps.
3690492 i see... here, ill do it that way you did!!
1- I will gladly credit the person thank you VERY much for telling me!
I thank you for the information, but I guess that my story is going to be a bit different but I already made guesses to things and I cannot believe I got it right!! But, I don't want to spoil so you just have to wait and see!
2- If you have kept to update on Doctor Who, you will have seen the 50th anniversary episode that shows that there is another first doctor, thus moving down the list and now David Tennate is officially the 11th doctor.
3- I have heard of Dinky Doo but honestly I am not wanting to bother putting her in this story, you see it isn't really cannon that Dinky is her daughter and the rest that you said.. what?
4- Trust me, I have been told about the cleaning up of my writing, you see I sometimes just don't bother to fix it because I usually do my writing in like 3 in the morning because its like I'm dreaming what happens and I'm glad that you like the idea of Romance and Adventure for Derpy and the Doctor. You see in Doctor Who the Doctor gets with a lot of people and has great adventures with them, and when I saw Doctor Whooves and Assistant I thought they were just amazing together and when I heard of Doctor Whooves and Twilight... I wanted to punch myself in the gut. Derpy is a much more interesting companion then Twilight because she is different and has a backstory and the fact that she is so sad about how she is can easily change things about her, this shows on because of that sadness she becomes stronger and weaker
and seriously... I do try to have some people to read my stories before me posting it... but I don't really have people to do the job... as much as I would like to do that, I just can't. I'm sorry I will try my best to do better
I love your advice! thank you so very very much I know my story isn't perfect, but I hope you cam still enjoy reading it with the mistakes still there
3690621...
5. Glad to help point out. It is very important to credit the artists, especially the hard-working &/or talented once, who provide the fan-artworks that inspire us.
6. It is David Tennant (no "e") for correct spelling.
7. As for the recent 50th Anniversary & "The Day of The Doctor"... The War Doctor (John Hurt) is not counted towards the "lineage" of The Doctor's regenerations, since The War Doctor was an "artificial" regeneration to help fight in The Time War [Which is a pity, because I like John Hurt (from previous works), and could see him playing the more traditional role of The Doctor.]
8. You can find & recruit an Editor and Proofreaders here on FiMfiction itself. Something I would suggest doing, as well as trying to improve & refine your own technical writing.
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
3690809
5- I agree
6- I totally suck at spelling sorry!!
7- I guess you are right, but I just feel like it's saying it wrong with saying that its the 10th because it's really the 11th regeneration, even though he isn't really in the series of Doctor Who, he still regenerated and its still means that he is now on his 11th regeneration so yeah.. I just like being correct with my sayings
8- I will gladly do so thank you miss!
soo " the grey mare" its back in action hehehe too bad she isnt a general like on the image on deviant art
anyway lets check this story i m expecting great things from this one
3692686 well the thing is that Derpy needs to be the highest there is, the one to actually be in charge if the rulers are gone an your in a war. That would be the captain right? So yeah.
I'm glad you like it so far, but it will be on hold because I'm trying to get an editor and some proofreading done into it.
3693271 well there are lots of perspectives of ditzy that i have seen on many stories like the single mother never giving up , a two hundred year old ghoul who has seen equestria during peace war and the subsecuent post apocaliptic wasteland or the general of the northem equestrian army "the grey mare" as the griffins call her during the war on the equestrian front so i like how a character that on regular sircunstances its a humble delivery employee can take an unexpected road just for the sircunstances of the world they are living in
3693271...
9. Well until the BBC Official DW site, Wikipedia, and the DW canon-wikia, all list The War Doctor as part of the regeneration "lineage" and re-number David Tennant from Doctor Who "#10" to "#11", the correct reference is David Tennant as The Tenth Doctor.
10. With technical literary writing, you will only "suck as spelling" if you leave it un-corrected for others to see. You can use the time while waiting to find an Editor & Proofreader(s) to make some corrections (for but one example: correcting Ditzy from incorrect Ditsy; but many, many other corrections that need to be made)
11. Always remember... It is NEVER "too late" to go back and add-on, correct, edit, revise, refine, or even completely overhaul from the ground-up, your fan-fiction works for the better.
12. It is good that you are working to recruit an Editor and Proofreader(s), really good stories are rarely ever written by a single person.
13. Here are some general guidelines to good-overall literary writing...
~ a. Clean & clear technical writing. As I previously said, you could have the best story-premise in all of Time & Space; but with poor technical writing, your story will crash & burn, and you will only wind up humiliating yourself.
~ b. Hearty word count per chapter. As a general guideline, 3000+ words per chapter is a worthy minimum goal.
~ c. Detailed & descriptive writing. Another fatal literary error far too many fan-fiction writers make is lack of details and descriptive quality. Shoving a bunch of character names upon the literary stage and then shouting at the reader-audience, "this happens! and that happens! and it is totally awesome inside my head! you imagine it too!" It is vitally important to be descriptive to both the surrounding environment of the scene, and to the characters. This is even more important for a Romance angle or story, in showing the emotions involved.
If you fulfill these general guidelines, then while people may not particularly Like your story, few will actively Dislike it when it is clear, clean, and shows that you put the [time + effort] into writing it.
3694522
9- okay then!
10- I see... as you see I am now putting this on hold to have an editor and proofreading done, trust me hopefully in sometime, I can have this story be much better
Very good, I must say I do enjoy this very much! Curious to see what happened to Princess Cadence or Princess Twilight(Or did Cadence perish when the Changelings attacked along with the mane 6) Ooh so many questions I'm eager to read on! This deserves multiple mustaches