Words

by TheIdyllStar

'Stories of Madness'

Words

'Stories of Madness'

The tales told to them as young ones, they bring about the monsters, the darkness, the battles, and the victories. They don't mention what the heroes dealt with after the curtains fell. Refusing to shed light on the broken psyches and shattered memories that haunt the victors. These stories brought false hope and dreams to those who had yet to experience the harsh reality that is their life.

Sure, some dealt just fine, other flourished and enjoyed prosperous, happy lives. But others, alot of the others weren't so lucky, plagued by failure, withering and shaky self confidence, depression. These issues were more or less ignored by the general population, kept to themselves about their heartache.

Every so often though, some would go what others called 'mad'. Insane, they'd lose their minds and begin behaving in a variety of inappropriate ways. The truth though was they were the ones who had freed themselves. They stopped caring, stopped trying to deal. The harsh reality was, it was the quiet ones, the ones who didn't open up or express themselves, they are the truly 'mad'.

A few weeks had gone by since the night in the alley. Adaptive had more or less come to terms with his reality. Understanding didn't make it any easier though. His pain, a want not shared, it was making him sick. Sleep had fleeted him in recent days and it showed.

His almost pale expression clearly indicated some trauma, but no one pony cared to ask. Except... Words, but he already knew the answer. The only one.

For all that was Adaptive's, he'd trade it all for just his love. Even if it was forced, even if it was doomed from the start. No chance of any actual intimacy from Words. The reality for Adaptive was that he had placed everything he ever wanted on this blank slate, not Words. This idea of Words, and what he could be, that's what saddened him.

Unable to show his emotions with anypony though, he bottled it all up. Each passing day making him more and more anxious. More and more angry. He couldn't talk to Words about it. It wasn't his place, nor would it be fair. Having no other friends though meant he had to pretend. Pretend he was okay.

Laying in bed, the blue pony looked around. The light of the morning sun burning through the gaps in his curtains. His eyes fixated on the floating dust particles, illuminated by the rays. They appeared so small, yet diverse. Interconnected between each other in an unspoken language.

Envious, he couldn't help but think what it would be like to experience that. The idea of connection with others quickly being eclipsed by his memories of Words. The pony he desired most. For him, Words was the light, not one of the unidentifiable dusts, but the actual source of visualization.

Getting himself off his side and to his hooves, he cleaned himself up. Despite his rejection, Adaptive didn't stop dolling himself up. He wanted to look good for him everyday, incase he suddenly notices. That, and his recently acquired job kinda demanded he looked nice.

Satisfied with his appearance, he headed downtown. Having a few hours before the store opened, he had time to wander and think. Not necessarily the best thing for him though, he always came to the same subject.

"What's wrong? What have I or haven't I done? All I want is to be his, to belong to a pony who cares. Why won't he give me this? He knows he can have me, so why not?..."

Wandering hollowly, he kept on. His thoughts sped, while his body carried him. Before he knew it, the sun had risen and he was near Words' off campus apartment. Wanting to see him, all he wanted to do was rush in, ask him to reconsider his feelings. But he had to be to work soon. That's what he told himself atleast.

Turning to head back, he heard the familiar emotionless tone he'd come to crave coming from behind him.

"Hey, haven't seen you in a while."

Adaptive knew he must atleast say hi, he couldn't run away. Not like he always did.

Trying to be as happy and nice as he could, the earth pony faced his crush. Looking ever so regal as always, the unicorn stared more or less blankly at him, awaiting a reply. In his mind, Adaptive thought that even if he didn't say anything, if he just walked away, Words wouldn't care. Not actually, but he'd pretend. And he wanted that. But he wouldn't do that to him. He wouldn't force him to care.

"Oh, I... I've been kinda... busy lately I guess. Sorry." The slight tremble in his tone, for which he could not control, told both Words and himself he was lying, but the unicorn wouldn't say anything. Bringing up unpleasant subjects right away, no matter how much they needed addressing, wasn't something he wished to do.

The stallion across from Adaptive knew he had been avoiding him as of late. It was something he wished to avoid in conversation though, he really didn't wanna make his friend sad, but even more so he didn't wanna deal with the reason why he'd avoided him.

"Alright then, so what's on the agenda today? Are you working at the book store?" Pulling the blue pony with him, they turned and headed back towards the downtown district. Hesitant to answer, Adaptive just walked lethargically beside him, a realized look of sadness hidden under his down turned hat. Taking notice, knowing exactly what Adaptive wanted, Words changed the topic.

"Do you have time for lunch today? I want to talk to you about something." Words traveled slowly beside him, making sure Adaptive could keep pace in his saddened state. Words wanted to see his face, to see if he had solicited any reaction from his friend, but he hid his expression under his ballcap.

"No... I've work today... It's more important. My job." Adaptive held a cold tone, but he was angry. He wanted the impossible and Words taunted it infront of him. Making statements like he wanted to talk about something, getting his hopes up, just to be let down. It wasn't fair. It was something he could never have. Not truly.

"Oh, okay then. I understand, you need to work. We'll just talk some other time." The next few blocks were spent in silence, the pair trying not to cause any conflict, but one was mad. So very mad. Adaptive wanted to scream, he wanted to slam his hooves to the cold hard stone beneath them and tell him off, make Words tell him why he did this. Why he teased him. It wasn't fair.

A few blocks down the street laid the book store and he hadn't cooled off. If he could get through work without snapping he'd be impressed. But first, he needed to get away from his unicorn traveler. Words had stopped for a moment, the cool morning air rushing past them on the nearly empty street before they separated.

"Hey... I've got another story al-" Words had been cut off.

"You know what! Why can't you just see things from my point! I don't care about your stories!" Standing there, tears brewing under his glossy eyes, he realized he messed up. The moment he snapped, he lost it. Having tried to just deal with it, he couldn't. A shocked, almost angry expression took over Words' face.

"Well... I mean, I do. I-I do care, it's just..." The crying earth pony stepped back, his head down, once again afraid to look. This time though, he was wise not to.

"You just WHAT!?" Words stepped forward, getting close. He pushed the weaker pony to the nearby wall behind him. Right in his face, he went off on him. Attacking everything that was wrong with them. "You think you want me!? You-you-you, that's all you think about! You think you care about me? You barely know me! We've seen each other seriously ten times, five of which were just for lunch together. Even if we were dating, that's not enough time to truly care! Stop it! Just STOP! Alright?"

Words just stood there, watching the immature little pony weep. That's all he ever did when things got tough, he cried. It was how he coped, how he always coped. He never got stronger, never got smarter, he just... cried.

A minute went by with them just maintaining themselves, Words watched, Adaptive bawled. Any passerby's just walked past, ignoring the obvious domestic dispute before them. Adaptive tried to stop, to gain his composure. Getting to a atleast audible state, he looked Words in the eyes, a plea in his expression.

"Just... Just give me a chance... please?" That's all he wanted, all he ever wanted. Or that's what he told himself. It might justify his actions if he reasoned this, he thought.

"No Adaptive, not now. No." Words turned and headed down the street, making his way towards the college. Leaving Adaptive to return to his tears. The brutal coldness of the unicorn's tone resonated in his mind. Upon reaching the end of the block, he stopped. Contemplating his actions, his words.

"Adaptive... what I wanted to talk about today, if we had gone to lunch, I was going to tell you I've decided. I can't lead you on anymore. I've tried and I can't find you attractive. I'm sorry."

"Why? What's wrong with me? I'll do ANYTHING to change for you. Is it cause I'm a guy? I'll change, I'll start dressing like a mare, I'll talk like one. I'll slim my figure-"

"It's nothing physical!" Words stopped for a moment, turning back to him. Looking him over, looking him in the eyes. "Well, I mean, it could be partly cause of that. I do find females more attractive physically, but it's more than that. We're not compatible, emotionally. You want dependability, you want me to take care of you, someone to be the breadwinner. I on the other hoof, I want somepony who could handle themselves. I don't wanna take care of anyone. I want a challenge, someone to make me strive to be better than them, for them. You're not that. I can't see us being together. Understand?"

Adaptive contemplated. He wasn't what he wanted, he never could be. He wasn't smart enough to challenge him, to push him. Unable to handle this, he snapped again. Thinking it was so simple as just a physical thing, he wasn't ready for a definitive no.

"Fine then! You don't want me around?! No one wants me around?! I'll just leave! You'll never have to deal with me again!" Adaptive took off past the still, grey pony of his affection. He cared not if Words followed, nor of his job. His emotions ran wild within him.

So angry, so sad. The idea that the only pony he cared about was not even willing to give him a chance, he wanted it to go away. All of it to go away. The confusion was all he knew. So many things he could've done differently, they could have made Words love him. Somehow.

Reaching his apartment, he hid away under his covers. He began going over his options. The idea of getting by without him wasn't something he could bare. The only things that seemed real were leaving, going off somewhere to die, maybe just in his home, or trying again.

'No, he'd never give me another chance. He hates me. No pony who cares about another lets them run off after saying they were leaving forever. He doesn't care. He never has. Why did I have to fall for such a bastard. I'll do anything he wants, no matter how difficult, just to be with him and he doesn't care. Doesn't SEE a connection. Fucking bastard.'

Adaptive's rage made him want to hit something. He'd hadn't wanted to cause any harm to any other pony in a long, long time, and Words had changed that. The earth pony didn't wanna hurt Words, but he wanted something to hurt. To feel his pain as well.

Instead he just started weeping unto his self once more. Slamming his hoof into the bed, the material doing nothing to accommodate his state. Nothing went away, none of the anger, none of the sadness. Nothing changed.

'I can't handle this. I need something. I need a release.'

He stood up out of bed, scanning his room for anything. Looking for something to make it go away. Anything. Opening his bedside table, he found something. An old knife he kept for defense purposes. Today, it held a different purpose for him. He would use it to make things go away.

It's all he could do. He had control of this. The only thing he still had control of. Sitting on the floor at the end of his bed, he knocked his cap off. His rainbow hair falling over his eyes, the water filter blurring his vision with pure color. Raising the blade with trembling hooves, he aligned the tip under his rib closest to his heart.

'To hear your voice. Nevermore.'

A knock on the door outside stopped him.

"Listen, I know you can hear me through the door." It was Words, he had followed him back. It was probably out of guilt, but none the less he had. Setting the knife on the floor, Adaptive listened. "Don't do anything irrational. I understand you're upset. You apparently only want one thing. And I'm truly sorry I can't love you, but I can still be your friend. I WANT to be your friend. If you open up the door, I can try and help you. Just...".

An agonizing minute passed, fears and hopes flashing before them both. One wanting peace, the other love. One could not be achieved if the wake of the other. Not truly.

"Let me in."