Prologue: Berry Icicle
"Berry Icicle, what's wrong?" I hear a familiar voice chime this concerned message. My best friend, Yew Leaf, trots towards me merrily and sits down next to me on the wet park bench. The park has been our meet-up spot since we we're old enough to go by ourselves. It was late afternoon and he stared into my distant eyes wondering if I'd tell him or not, but its hard to say no to those prying, soul darkening brown eyes.
"A new guy in town tried talking to me and I made him cry by not talking back." I start to tear up at the thought that I made someone cry. I like to be loving, but its hard for me to get to know people. Yew Leaf and me have been friend's since foalhood and he's easy to talk to about silly stuff like this.
"You know, you could have tried talking to him. Thesaurus seems like a nice guy, give him a chance. He's brand new to the Canterlot suburbs" I see the new guy walk past and he starts to tear up again, but I gallop swiftly over to him. He is tall, dark blue, and slimly set. His cutie mark is a dictionary with a scroll rested on top. He is the resident bookworm.
I give him a shyly kind stare. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry and I'm deeply apologetic for not talking to you, I know it must be hard to be the new guy in town. Sorry." He glances up and smiles. He has forest-like dark green eyes and they are making me feel uplifted.
"Thanks, Its nice to know somepony cares." He trots away, seemingly feeling better. I smirk at him glancing back, those green eyes burting with a well of happy thoughts. He smiles back and gallops out of view.
I sit back down next to Yew Leaf. "There don't you feel better, Icy?" He inquires with those curious brown eyes. They seem to lighten or darken by a hue when he changes in mood.
"Yep, but I gotta go, Bye Yew, see you tomorrow I guess." I fly away, flapping my wings, assured that today I made someone else very, very happy.
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This is a wonderful Idea, but you need a major editor. there are a lot of writing no nos in these chapters.
3364130 Such as....
Deleting my comment, only because I pointed out how Silver Starlight was in fact correct...
i.imgur.com/WCw9S7r.gif
Good thing you know how to deal with evil, mean trolls like me. I should really learn to love and tolerate, shouldn't I?
3364134
In my opinion, nearly everything but his ideas probably differ severely from my own.
3364134 for one, the chapter hold no detail, no description, nothing to truly make us like these characters. while not a writing no no, it's just not a good idea if you want people to like your characters.
In the first chapter, Comet tail is a mary sue by simple fact of not being explained at all. Reasons: 1: being taught by Twilight sparkle, no backstory of any weight or importance given.
2: Knows Discord and chats with him regularly. This is something I wouldn't mind, but I'd prefer to see Such a thing happen over time, like after they save him(if the summary is to be trusted) Most ponies are unnerved by Discord. Unless your character is suddenly flutterscomet sparkletail He shouldn't be so chummy.
3: since you gave no backstory, Comet tail learning advanced gravity magic is very mary sueish.
Things other than that that made me dislike the first chapter:
1: the alarm clock. DEET DEET DEET might be fine in a comic book, but this is a story composed only of words. things like this really kill a reader's immersive mood if not used right, or avoided.
I would suggest you just avoid it and put something like: The harsh and shrill ringing of the alarm clock pounded in my ears.
And it pulls you down the stairs? what? I can see a way you can make that believable, but you need to add description, Like:
The shrill report of the alarm clock sounded in my ears, waking me up with a jerk. My body tensed, I knew what came next.
My alarm clock shuddered before lighting up with a magical (insert color)glow that proceeded to drag me out of bed, onto the floor, through the door, and thumping down the stairs.
"DISCORD!"
That prank curse he put on my now evil alarm clock would be the death of me one of these days...
--------------------------------------------
I'm not a good writer, nor do I know what you want in your story, but it needs more.... just more.
And Comet Tail kinda treats Twilight too much like a friend and not enough like a teacher. I can totally see Twilight taking on more of a friend type role, but there needs to be ... Some... err.. sorry I said I'm not the best writer. give me a moment.
Ah! yes! character development! There needs to be a lot more interaction and complex engagements before we can jump to the interaction status where we are now.
Unless it's just his nature to be silly like that. but still.
I can see him being more one on one with princess twilight, BUT TWILEY!? that's the pet name her brother used to call her. It would be a sore spot to be called that every day.
Unless that's a plot point:
He always liked calling her Twiley. It was a thrill, calling the princess by a pet name without so much as a minor rebuking. However, he wondered why every time he called her that name, her eyes seemed to wander off into the distance. a sad and distant look in her eyes that you would miss if you blinked, before she was back to normal and gleefully lecturing you on the long, boring, and important rules regarding the addressing of royalty and how it was important to show proper respect to the rulers of a land.
He knew she didn't mean it seriously. Twilight was the youngest and friendliest princess, she was totally okay if you socialized with her. but she was a stickler for the rulebooks for sure. How she managed to MEMORIZE the seven-thousand page long equestrian book of law you're not sure you even want to know.
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Again, I'm not the best author. But there is so much potential here. but that's not even the start of all the missed potential. This could be really great of you put some effort into it.
That's only some of my beefs in the first chapter. and I'm not even done. but I'm tired of typing,
3364229 okay but those were short prologues they're not as nearly as descriptive as what I've got planned. Be patient
3365604 I wasn't being impatient. but... ok.
Fantastic I love the Burnt Oak part very mysterious!
3364229 First of all it wasn't Comet calling her Twily it was Discord who at this point has known her for upwards of 100 years. Comet knows Discord because Discord has known Comet since the beginning of his training... I think I'm not the author. And he did explain the alarm clock was magic didn't he?
3368315 I had a very hard time understanding anything that was said. And I looked it over. several times.
Maybe I'm spoiled by AMAZING authors(insert good author of choice, your mileage may vary), but this could be so much better.
3368525 O.K just love and tolerate alright